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OfflineMrBump
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Registered: 10/01/02
Posts: 4,263
Loc: Denver, Colorado
Last seen: 4 years, 8 months
The True History of the Bush Presidency, as told by The Onion
    #9661219 - 01/22/09 07:22 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Click this link to get to the site that is hosting the Onion links http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/010952.html

Or just read all the headlines here and  :rofl2:

The Onion. Other histories of the Bush years will doubtless be more factual, but none will ever be truer.

January 26, 2000: Bush Reaches Out To Hispanic Community With Generous Tip.
March 8, 2000: Bush ‘Refuses To Dignify’ Mass-Murder Allegations.
July, 26, 2000: Bush Reluctantly Accepts Donation From Parents.
August 9, 2000: Republicans’ ‘Diversity Through Imported Africans’ Plan Criticized.
September 13, 2000: Bush Surges Ahead In Polls After Strong Showing On Pommel Horse.
October 4, 2000: Bush Vows To Do ‘That Thing Gore Just Said, Only Better’.
October 18, 2000: Bush Horrified To Learn Presidential Salary.
November 15, 2000: Bush Executes 253 New Mexico Democrats.
November 15, 2000: Nation Plunges Into Chaos: Pro-Bush Rebels Seize Power In West; D.C. In Flames.
November 15, 2000: Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S.
December 20, 2000: Bush Calls For End To ‘Era Of Political Argument’.
January 17, 2001: Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’.
January 24, 2001: ’80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch.
March 21, 2001: Congress Adds ‘All Your Base Are Belong To Us’ Amendment To Bankruptcy Bill.
April 18, 2001: Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil’s Minor Works.
May 9, 2001: After Careful Consideration, Bush Recommends Oil Drilling.
May 30, 2001: Bush Actually President, Nation Suddenly Realizes.
June 20, 2001: Bush Trying To Decide How To Spend His Tax Refund
July 18, 2001: Bush Vows To Remove Toxic Petroleum From National Parks.
August 1, 2001: Bush Finds Error In Fermilab Calculations.
August 22, 2001: Bush Vows To Wipe Out Prescription-Drug Addiction Among Seniors.
September 26, 2001: American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie.
September 26, 2001: Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell.
September 26, 2001: God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule.
September 26, 2001: Hugging Up 76,000 Percent.
September 26, 2001: Arab-American Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn’t Kill Anyone.
September 26, 2001: Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake.
September 26, 2001: Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In ’80s.
September 26, 2001: Report: Gen X Irony, Cynicism May Be Permanently Obsolete.
September 26, 2001: Jerry Falwell: Is That Guy A Dick Or What?
September 26, 2001: The U.S. Military Is Pondering Its Response Options.
September 26, 2001: Talking To Your Child About The WTC Attack.
September 26, 2001: U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We’re At War With.
September 26, 2001: President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation’s Ballad Singers.
September 26, 2001: Statshot: How Have We Spent the Last Two Weeks?
September 26, 2001: Dinty Moore Breaks Long Silence On Terrorism With Full-Page Ad.
September 26, 2001: Point/Counterpoint: We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage…
September 26, 2001: Infographic: Making America Safer.
October 3, 2001: U.S. Urges Bin Laden To Form Nation It Can Attack.
October 10, 2001: Freedoms Curtailed In Defense Of Liberty.
October 17, 2001: Woman With Sore Throat Thinks It Might Be Anthrax.
October 31, 2001: CIA Admits It’s Good At Overthrowing Stuff, Not So Much The Intelligence.
November 14, 2001: U.S. To Arab World: ‘Stop Hating Us Or Suffer The Consequences’.
December 05, 2001: All Proceeds No Longer Going To Charity.
December 5, 2001: America Is Ready To Laugh At Me Again.
December 19, 2001: What Is Sexy In The Wake Of Sept. 11?
January 16, 2002: Bush Attempts To Distance Self From Yet Another Failed Business.
February 6, 2002: Bush Earmarks 1.5 Billion Gold Stars For Education.
February 20, 2002: Americans Would Be Outraged If They Understood Enron Collapse.
February 27, 2002: $5 Million Bounty Placed On Recession.
March 6, 2002: Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Shitty Jobs By 2003.
June 5, 2002: Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason.
June 20, 2002: Fan-Favorite First Season Of Bush Administration Released On DVD.
July 24, 2002: Bush Begins Hunger Strike To Protest Human-Rights Abuses In Nepal.
July 31, 2002: U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan.
August 7, 2002: Lou Dobbs Hosts Moneyline From Window Ledge.
September 11, 2002: Second Birthday In A Row Ruined By Terrorism.
September 11, 2002: Bush Won’t Stop Asking Cheney If We Can Invade Yet.
September 18, 2002: Bush Sends Troops To West Nile.
October 2, 2002: Bush Seeks U.N. Support For ‘U.S. Does Whatever It Wants’ Plan.
October 16, 2002: Bush On Economy: ‘Saddam Must Be Overthrown’.
November 20, 2002: When I’m Feeling Blue, I Can Always Go To My Undisclosed Location.
December 4, 2002: Report: Presidents Washington Through Bush May Have Lied About Key Matters.
December 11, 2002: Bush Gives France 30 Days To Speak English.
December 18, 2002: Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six.
January 15, 2003: Bush On North Korea: ‘We Must Invade Iraq’.
February 5, 2003: Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials.
February 12, 2003: Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance.
February 12, 2003: Ashcroft Orders Staff To Chain Him Tightly Before Next Full Moon.
February 12, 2003: North Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention.
February 19, 2003: Terrorism ‘Not Likely’ Cause Of Fire At Local Laundromat.
March 5, 2003: Bush Offers Taxpayers Another $300 If We Go To War.
March 12, 2003: Bush Orders Iraq To Disarm Before Start Of War.
March 12, 2003: Congress Accidentally Approves Arts Funding.
March 26, 2003: Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle.
March 26, 2003: Vital Info On Iraqi Chemical Weapons Provided By U.S. Company That Made Them.
March 26, 2003: This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region/No it won’t.
March 26, 2003: U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Front Lines.
April 2, 2003: Government No Longer Even Bothering To Hide Halliburton Favors.
April 2, 2003: Bush Thought War Would Be Over By Now.
April 2, 2003: I Should Not Be Allowed To Say The Following Things About America.
April 9, 2003: Bush Subconsciously Sizes Up Spain For Invasion.
May 7, 2003: Bush Cites The Last Starfighter As Inspiration For Entering Politics.
June 4, 2003: Bush Visits U.S.S. Truman For Dramatic Veterans’-Benefits-Cutting Ceremony.
June 11, 2003: Infographic: Exaggerating the WMD Threat.
June 18, 2003: GOP Reports Record Second-Quarter Profits.
June 18, 2003: U.S. Refuses To Allow U.N. Weapons Inspectors Back Into Iraq.
July 2, 2003: Bush Asks Congress For $30 Billion To Help Fight War On Criticism.
July 23, 2003: Bush Not Heard From For Over A Month.
August 6, 2003: Cheney Regrets Buying Bush Laser Pointer.
August 14, 2003: Republicans Introduce Economic Equality Bill For Fun Of Shooting It Down.
August 20, 2003: Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder.
September 10, 2003: Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them.
September 10, 2003: White House Denied Third Mortgage.
September 17, 2003: Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act.
September 24, 2003: U.S. Government To Discontinue Long-Term, Low-Yield Investment In Nation’s Youth.
October 1, 2003: 85% Of Public Believes Bush’s Approval Rating Fell In Last Month.
October 1, 2003: Cheney Suspects Bush Listening In On Other Phone.
October 15, 2003: Bush Disappointed To Learn Chinese Foreign Minister Doesn’t Know Karate.
October 15, 2003: Lieberman Pledges To Gloss Over The Boring Issues.
October 22, 2003: CIA-Leak Scapegoat Still At Large.
November 5, 2003: Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The ’80s.
November 5, 2003: Karl Rove Ensures Republican Elected As Student Body President.
December 3, 2003: Bush Re-Election Campaign Creates Thousands Of New Jobs.
December 17, 2003: Bush Won’t Put Down New Football.
January 21, 2004: Bush Vows To Discover, Legalize Aliens On American, Martian Soil.
January 28, 2004: Bush 2004 Campaign Pledges To Restore Honor And Dignity To White House.
January 28, 2004: Rumsfeld Only One Who Can Change Toner In White House Printer.
February 25, 2004: Bush To Cut Deficit From Federal Budget.
March 3, 2004: Bush To Make Up Missed National Guard Service This Weekend.
March 10, 2004: Cheney Clotheslines Aide.
March 17, 2004: Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress.
March 17, 2004: Bush Calls Incumbency Key Issue Of Campaign.
March 24, 2004: Bush Urges Iraqis To Pass Amendment Banning Gay Marriage.
March 31, 2004: Bush Addresses 8.2 Million Unemployed: ‘Get A Job’.
April 7, 2004: Price Of Nuclear Secrets Plummeting.
April 14, 2004: New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly.
April 21, 2004: Cheney Wows Sept. 11 Commission By Drinking Glass Of Water While Bush Speaks.
April 21, 2004: Iraqis Arming Selves For Independence.
April 28, 2004: Bush To Iraqi Militants: ‘Please Stop Bringing It On’.
May 12, 2004: Bush Vows To Pay Closer Attention To Needs Of Non-Presidents.
May 19, 2004: U.S. To Fight Terror With Terror.
May 26, 2004: Fed-Up Cheney Enters Presidential Race Himself.
May 26, 2004: Bush Posts Classified Ad For 90,000 Troops.
June 16, 2004: Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented.
July 7, 2004: Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush Into Signing Gun Ban.
July 7, 2004: Nation’s Liberals Suffering From Outrage Fatigue.
July 21, 2004: White House Declares War On DSL Provider.
July 21, 2004: Secretary Of Defense Humiliated As U.S. Credit Card Rejected.
August 4, 2004: CIA Asks Bush To Discontinue Blog.
August 11, 2004: Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America.
August 18, 2004: Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It.
August 25, 2004: Swing States Roughed Up By Bush, Kerry Operatives.
September 1, 2004: Small Group Of Dedicated Rich People Change The World.
September 1, 2004: Vacationing Bush Accepts Republican Nomination Via Live Satellite Feed.
September 1, 2004: Cheney Urged Not To Work Blue During Convention.
September 8, 2004: Bush Campaign More Thought-Out Than Iraq War.
September 8, 2004: Hundreds Of Republicans Injured In Rush To Discredit Kerry.
September 15, 2004: Cheney Returns To Camp Crystal Lake.
September 22, 2004: Bush Introduces New Timmy Blanchard Left Behind Act.
September 29, 2004: Documents Reveal Gaps In Bush’s Service As President.
October 6, 2004: Irrelevant Pop Stars Unite Against Bush.
October 6, 2004: Bush Arrives At Debate Wearing Flight Suit.
October 13, 2004: Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected.
October 20, 2004: Nader Polling At 8% Among Past Supporters.
October 27, 2004: Republicans Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote On Nov. 3.
October 27, 2004: Countdown To The Recount 2004.
November 3, 2004: Nader Supporters Blame Electoral Defeat On Bush, Kerry.
November 3, 2004: Millions Of Work Hours Lost To Voting.
November 3, 2004: U.S. Inspires World With Attempt At Democratic Election.
November 10, 2004: Bush Promises To Unite Nation For Real This Time.
November 10, 2004: Nation’s Poor Win Election For Nation’s Rich.
November 10, 2004: U.S. To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq.
November 17, 2004: Republicans Call For Privatization Of Next Election.
November 24, 2004: White House Thanksgiving Turkey Detained Without Counsel.
November 24, 2004: Swift Boat Veterans Still Hounding Kerry.
December 22, 2004: 44 Suspicious Packages Detonated Under White House Christmas Tree.
January 5, 2005: Bush Celebrates Millionth Utterance Of ‘Lessons Of Sept. 11’.
January 5, 2005: Bush Unveils New Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives.
January 19, 2005: White House Dishwasher Tenders Resignation.
February 9, 2005: Bush Defends Deny-Side Economics.
February 23, 2005: Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored.
March 9, 2005: Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: ‘We’ll Go Through Iran’.
March 23, 2005: Colin Powell’s Tell-All Book: Steroid Use Rampant In White Houses.
March 30, 2005: Bush Launches Preemptive Attack On Social Security.
March 30, 2005: ‘Missed Connection’ Ad Obviously Cheney.
April 6, 2005: Cheney Offspring Bursts From Bush’s Chest.
April 27, 2005: Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students’ Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad.
May 4, 2005: Arizona Man Steals Bush’s Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President.
May 19, 2005: Bush Challenges America To Produce The Perfect Romantic Comedy By 2009.
June 1, 2005: U.S. Intensifies Empty-Threat Campaign Against North Korea.
June 8, 2005: Bush Lifts Ban On Vigilantism: ‘Let’s See What Happens,’ Says President.
June 15, 2005: Bush Fishing For Compliments During Press Conference.
July 20, 2005: Marine Corps Shortens Slogan To ‘The Few’.
July 27, 2005: Bush To London Bombers: ‘Bring It On’.
July 27, 2005: Supreme Court Justices Devour Sandra Day O’Connor In Ancient Ritual.
August 3, 2005: White House Denies Existence Of Karl Rove.
August 3, 2005: Bush Acquired By Martian Zoo.
August 10, 2005: Bush Vows To Eliminate U.S. Dependence On Oil By 4920.
August 31, 2005: Bush: Vacation Ruined By ‘Stupid Dead Soldier’.
September 7, 2005: Cheney Dropped By White House HMO.
September 7, 2005: Bush Tearfully Addresses Nation After Watching Field Of Dreams.
September 14, 2005: Halliburton Gets Contract To Pry Gold Fillings From New Orleans Corpses’ Teeth.
September 14, 2005: Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court.
September 21, 2005: Bush Braces As Cindy Sheehan’s Other Son Drowns In New Orleans.
September 28, 2005: Bush’s Approval Rating Of Other Americans Also At All-Time Low.
September 28, 2005: U.S. Launches AIDS-Awareness Campaign In Botswana: ‘You All Have AIDS,’ Says U.S..
October 5, 2005: Halliburton Given Contract To Rebuild Cheney.
October 12, 2005: Bush To Appoint Someone To Be In Charge Of Country.
October 19, 2005: President Bush Urges Nation.
October 20, 2005: Bush To Throw Out First Through 120th Pitch Of World Series.
October 27, 2005: Bush To Nominate Next Person Who Walks Through Door.
November 2, 2005: ‘Scooter’ Libby Wishes He’d Ditched Nickname Before Media Coverage.
November 2, 2005: Bush Orders Mass Bald Eagle Slaughter To Stop Spread Of Bird Flu.
November 16, 2005: Long-Awaited Beer With Bush Really Awkward, Voter Reports.
November 23, 2005: Bush To Increase Funding For Hope-Based Initiatives.
November 23, 2005: Topeka Mayor Now Highest-Ranking Non-Indicted Republican Official.
December 7, 2005: More Americans Falling For ‘Get Rich Slowly Over A Lifetime Of Hard Work’ Schemes.
December 7, 2005: Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom.
December 21, 2005: U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy.
December 28, 2005: Cloned Cheney Lacks Charm Of Original.
December 28, 2005: Bush Elected President Of Iraq.
December 28, 2005: White House Celebrates Fifth Straight Year Without Oral Sex.
December 28, 2005: Well-Rested Bush At The Top Of His Game.
December 28, 2005: North Korea Nukes Self In Desperate Plea For Attention.
January 17, 2006: U.S. Holds Going-Out-Of-Business Sale.
January 18, 2006: Bush Urges Senate To Give Alito Fair, Quick, Unanimous Confirmation.
January 20, 2006: CEO Needs $30 Million Aspen Home To Recharge Batteries.
February 1, 2006: President Creates Cabinet-Level Position To Coordinate Scandals.
February 8, 2006: White House Debuts Iraq War Infomercial.
February 14, 2006: Bush Hides U.S. Report Card In Sock Drawer.
February 15, 2006: President Bush Escapes From Weekly Bath.
February 20, 2006: White House Had Prior Knowledge Of Cheney Threat.
February 27, 2006: Democrats Vow Not To Give Up Hopelessness.
March 13, 2006: Bush Increasingly Focused On How Revisionist History Will See Him.
March 20, 2006: White House Reporter Asks How Many Mountain Dews The President Slams A Day.
March 23, 2006: World Leaders Urge Condoleezza Rice To Take NFL Commissioner’s Job.
March 28, 2006: President Bush Designates 1 Million Acres For Federally Protected Water Parks.
April 5, 2006: Detroit Sold For Scrap.
April 5, 2006: Critics Blast Bush For Not Praying Hard Enough.
April 26, 2006: EPA Didn’t Know Anybody Was Still Drinking Water.
April 26, 2006: Bush Calls Cabinet Meeting To Get Story Straight.
April 28, 2006: President Approval Rating Remains High On eBay.
May 17, 2006: Oil Executives March On D.C.
May 23, 2006: President Bush Invokes Executive Super Powers.
May 24, 2006: Bush Puts National Guard In Charge Of Public Relations.
May 24, 2006: Hillary Clinton Is Too Ambitious To Be The First Female President.
May 31, 2006: Critics Blast Al Gore’s Documentary As ‘Realistic’.
June 28, 2006: Insurgent Secretly Terrified Of Winning Control Of Iraq.
June 28, 2006: Government To Defend Marriage From Dashing Reginald St. Croix, Esq..
June 30, 2006: Vice President Cheney’s Severed Hand Chokes Chairman Of Ways And Means Committee.
July 17, 2006: Deadlocked Supreme Court: ‘Someone’s Voting Twice’.
July 18, 2006: Bush Quietly Rolls Back Iraq Death Toll To Zero.
July 19, 2006: Scratch ‘N Win Ballots To Debut In November.
July 21, 2006: U.S. Soldiers Ask Rumsfeld If They Could Get Surprise Visit From Loved Ones Instead.
August 1, 2006: Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self.
August 9, 2006: Condoleezza Rice Holds Bathtime Talks With Undersea Representatives.
August 15, 2006: U.S. Dedicates $64 Billion To Undermining Gates Foundation Efforts.
August 30, 2006: Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think.
August 30, 2006: Bush Gives Up Presidency For True Love.
September 7, 2006: Bush: ‘History Cannot Judge Me If I End It Soon’.
September 11, 2006: NYC Unveils 9/11 Memorial Hole.
September 27, 2006: New Job Posting On Craigslist Clearly For Secretary Of The Interior.
October 3, 2006: Flustered Bush Misses Air Force One Flight.
October 4, 2006: President Bush Decides The U.S. Will Fight The Terrorists In Ohio.
October 11, 2006: Bush Urges Expanded Drilling Of Alaskan Wildlife.
October 31, 2006: GOP Throws All Financial Support Behind One Candidate.
November 1, 2006: Bush: Thousands Of Registered Democrats Needed For ‘Extremely Important’ Mission.
November 3, 2006: President Bush Asks U.S. Soldiers To Stop Dying.
November 3, 2006: Laura Bush Suspects Anniversary Card Penned By Speech Writer.
November 7, 2006: Politicians Sweep Midterm Elections.
November 7, 2006: Republicans Blame Election Losses On Democrats.
November 7, 2006: Voter Turnout Reaches All-Time Low Of 17.
November 8, 2006: Rumsfeld: ‘My Half-Assed Job Here Is Done’.
November 22, 2006: CNN Renews This Week At War For Next Eight Seasons.
November 27, 2006: Troop Morale Boosted By Surprise Visit From First Dog.
November 29, 2006: President Bush Spills Coffee On Computer That Has All Of The Government’s Files On It.
December 11, 2006: Discouraged Bush Begins Seeking Approval Of Other Nations.
December 12, 2006: Marine Hopes To Spend Second Tour Of Duty On Different Baghdad City Block.
December 12, 2006: Clinton Finally Takes Responsibility For Bush Administration’s Failures.
December 13, 2006: Failed Attempt At Hyperbole Yields Dead-On Statistic.
December 18, 2006: Generous Vice President Cheney Gives Hard-Working Media Field Day.
December 18, 2006: Karl Rove Accused Of Throwing Midterm Elections.
December 18, 2006: Ken Lay’s Children Inherit 4,000 Pensions.
January 3, 2007: Laura Bush Crushes Life Out Of White House Intruder.
January 19, 2007: White House Hints At Surprise Twist Ending To Bush Presidency.
January 22, 2007: Bush Rushing To Get Nation In Order Before Hu Jintao’s Visit.
January 23, 2007: CIA Director Quietly Buys Nuclear-Attack Insurance.
January 29, 2007: Bush Commits One Additional Troop To Afghanistan.
January 31, 2007: White House Quietly Retracts Entire State Of The Union Address.
February 2, 2007: Bush Deploys 20,000 Wishful Thoughts To Iraq.
February 14, 2007: President Bush Sacrifices National Lamb.
February 21, 2007: Giuliani To Run For President Of 9/11.
February 23, 2007: Dick Cheney Can’t Get Enough New Hearts.
February 28, 2007: Manny Ramirez Plays With Bush Family Dogs.
March 13, 2007: White House Adds Eight Inches To White House Fence.
March 26, 2007: Injured Troops Request Extended Tours To Avoid Being Sent To Walter Reed.
March 28, 2007: Heroic Secret Service Agent Takes Question Intended For Bush.
March 28, 2007: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses To Confessing Under Torture.
April 2, 2007: Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister.
April 11, 2007: Cheney Spends 2-Week Vacation Lying Motionless In Open Grave.
April 11, 2007: U.S. Counter-Counterterrorism Unit Successfully Destroys Washington Monument.
April 23, 2007: Cheney Celebrates Earth Day By Breathing Oxygen.
April 25, 2007: President Bush Reaches Out To Nation’s Fallen Bees.
May 2, 2007: Bush Has One Of Those Days Where He Feels Like 68% Of People Hate Him.
May 17, 2007: Fall From Pommel Horse Puts Cheney’s 2008 Olympic Hopes In Doubt.
June 5, 2007: Secret Service Agent Takes Out Dandelion On White House Lawn.
June 6, 2007: Retired Gen. George Washington Criticizes Bush’s Handling Of Iraq War.
June 20, 2007: Addressing Climate Crisis, Bush Calls For Development Of National Air Conditioner.
July 16, 2007: Bush Orders F-16 Flyover To Cheer Himself Up.
July 24, 2007: Bush Texting While Mahmoud Abbas Speaks.
August 6, 2007: DNA Evidence Frees Man From Zoo.
August 24, 2007: Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy.
August 31, 2007: Heartbroken Bush Runs After Departing Rove’s Car.
September 5, 2007: New Secret Service Agent Disappointed There Are No Decoy Presidents.
September 6, 2007: New Orleans Saints Relocated To Help Heal Utah.
September 12, 2007: Statshot: How is the New York Times padding its opinion page?
September 20, 2007: In The Know: White House Announces ‘Everything Is Great In Iraf’.
September 21, 2007: Fifteen Awesome Lies about Hillary Clinton.
September 26, 2007: Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work.
October 3, 2007: New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love.
October 10, 2007: Cost Of Freedom At All-Time High.
October 13, 2007: Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man.
October 31, 2007: Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation.
November 6, 2007: Bush Proud U.S. Economic Woes Can Still Depress World Markets.
November 7, 2007: Infographic: Democratic Candidates Turn On Clinton.
November 12, 2007: U.S. Intelligence: Iran Possesses Trillions Of Potentially Dangerous Atoms.
November 21, 2007: Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life.
December 10, 2007: Bush’s New Dentist Faces Tough Confirmation Hearing.
December 16, 2007: Iraq War No Longer Interesting Enough To Make List Of Year’s Top Stories.
December 17, 2007: Infographic: The Presidency In The Year 2007.
December 18, 2007: Gore Wins Oscar, Nobel Peace Prize For Slide-Show Presentation.
December 21, 2007: Bush Acknowledges Existence Of Carbon Dioxide.
January 1, 2008: The Candidates.
January 5, 2008: Bush Begins Preparations For Nation’s Final Year.
January 23, 2008: Bill Clinton: ‘Screw It, I’m Running For President’.
January 30, 2008: We Must All Do Our Part To Preserve This Climate Of Fear.
February 15, 2008: Asian Markets Fall Like Cherry Blossoms In Gentle Spring Rain.
February 22, 2008: Bush Hopes Recession Doesn’t Affect Sales Of His Memoirs.
February 27, 2008: Bush Vows To Make It Up To Country Somehow.
March 18, 2008: President Bush Accidentally Signs Cast Into Law.
March 19, 2008: Infographic: McCain’s Running Mate.
March 21, 2008: JPMorgan Chase Acquires Bear Stearns In Tedious-To-Read News Article.
April 9, 2008: Cheney Re-Grows Limb In Front Of Shocked Advisers.
April 9, 2008: Iraq War Memorial Planners Forced To Revise Length Again.
April 10, 2008: $46,000 Vacuumed Out Of White House Couch.
May 1, 2008: President Bush Unveils New ‘Impotence Only’ Sex Policy.
May 14, 2008: Obama Voicemail Message Not That Inspiring.
May 14, 2008: Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together.
May 23, 2008: Bush Announces 8-Month Plan To Steal Favorite Desk Lamp.
May 28, 2008: President Bush Converts West Wing Into Injured Animal Shelter.
June 11, 2008: Latest Cheney Tape May Contain Evidence Of His Whereabouts.
June 16, 2008: Grandmother Proud To Have Lived Long Enough To See First Viable Female Candidate Torn Apart.
June 18, 2008: Bush Says He Still Believes Iraq War Was The Fun Thing To Do.
July 2, 2008: Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency.
July 7, 2008: Steven Tyler Laid Off From Aerosmith As Band’s Jobless Rate Hits 20%.
July 9, 2008: Bill Clinton Sadly Folds First Lady Dress Back Into Box.
July 11, 2008: Debt: Should The World Forgive Ours So We Can Be Rich Again?.
July 14, 2008: Recession-Plagued Nation Demands New Bubble To Invest In.
July 30, 2008: Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet.
August 12, 2008: Cheney On The Court.
August 20, 2008: Basketball Rolls To Stop At Cheney’s Foot.
August 22, 2008: Bush Told To Sign Birthday Treaty For Someone Named ‘Kyoto’.
August 26, 2008: Bush Lets War Widow Punch His Arm Once.
August 27, 2008: Cheney To Speak At Republican Convention From Section 109, Row 56, Seat 3.
September 1, 2008: Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts.
September 2, 2008: Gay War Hero Awarded Posthumous Dishonorable Discharge At White House Ceremony.
September 3, 2008: Top Story On John McCain Run Out Of Obligation.
September 10, 2008: President Bush Only Has To Spend 20 Trillion To Inherit Bush Family Fortune.
September 10, 2008: Economists Warn Anti-Bush Merchandise Market Close To Collapse.
September 17, 2008: Infographic: Rumors Swirl Around Palin.
September 11, 2008: Obama Suddenly Panicked After Gazing Too Far Into Future.
September 17, 2008: Obama Deletes Another Unread MoveOn.org E-Mail.
September 22, 2008: Man Succumbs To Seven-Year Battle With Health Insurance.
September 24, 2008: Point/Counterpoint: Gov. Palin Has No Foreign Policy Experience…
September 29, 2008: Palin Brushing Up On Foreign Policy At Epcot.
October 3, 2008: Bush Goes Blonde For Remainder Of Presidency.
October 7, 2008: Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters In Crucial Swing State.
October 13, 2008: Michelle Obama All That Stands Between Love-Struck Media, Barack Obama.
October 15, 2008: Bush Calls For Panic.
October 13, 2008: Financial Planner Advises Shorter Life Span.
October 17, 2008: John McCain Not Going To Ask Cindy McCain Twice.
October 20, 2008: Fleet Of Alien Destroyers Demand Details Of Obama’s Universal Health Care Plan.
October 24, 2008: Palin Family Just Sitting Around Living Room Eating Jerky.
October 24, 2008: Ron Paul Promises To Return When Country Needs Him Most.
October 26, 2008: Lieberman’s Overlords Most Displeased.
October 29, 2008: As Election Draws Near, Area Man Moves To All-Obama T-Shirt Rotation.
October 30, 2008: Struggling Lower Class Still Unsure How Best To Fuck Selves With Vote.
November 1, 2008: Barbara Bush Runs Aground Off Coast Of Maine.
November 3, 2008: Bush Asks Advice For This Friend Of His Who Invaded Iraq.
November 4, 2008: Millions Of Voters Refuse To Exit Polls.
November 4, 2008: Bush: ‘Can I Stop Being President Now?’
November 5, 2008: Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job.
November 12, 2008: Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase.
November 17, 2008: Fraternity In Danger Of Losing House Launches Harebrained Scheme To Fix Economy.
November 19, 2008: Crocodile Bites Off Bush’s Arm.
November 24, 2008: In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Costume.
November 26, 2008: Vice President Cheney Burns Down White House Aviary.
November 28, 2008: Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone.
December 1, 2008: I’m Really Gonna Miss Systematically Destroying This Place.
December 2, 2008: U.S. Economy Continues Campaigning For Barack Obama.
December 4, 2008: Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks.
December 8, 2008: Bush’s Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall.
December 9, 2008: Supreme Court Overturns Bush v. Gore.
December 10, 2008: Bush Picks Laser Background For Presidential Portrait.
December 14, 2008: Bush Frustrated By Mother’s Constant Questioning Of His Plans Post-White House.
December 16, 2008: WaMu Files For ChapLev.
December 16, 2008: $700 Billion Bailout Celebrated With Lavish $800 Billion Executive Party.
December 17, 2008: Outgoing First Lady Laura Bush Shows Michelle Obama Secret White House Bone Closet.
December 18, 2008: America’s First Gay President Concludes Historic Second Term.
January 6, 2009: Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush.
January 9, 2009: Vice President Cheney Seen Dragging Egg Sac Through West Wing.
January 12, 2009: Bush Spends Day Feverishly Booby-Trapping Desk.
January 13, 2009: Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate.
January 13, 2009: Congress Debates Adding Elaborate Dance To Obama’s Inauguration Ceremony.
January 14, 2009: Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush’s Brain.
January 14, 2009: Bush, Cheney Stand Back-To-Back, Cock Shotguns One Last Time. - MY FAV

So there. All that remains now is for Bush to spend the rest of his life doing penitential good works.

Addendum: Trust The Onion to bring the whole Bush saga to a tidy conclusion:

January 20, 2009: Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep.


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If it weren't for the bloody corpses, I wouldn't have any corpses at all.

There are two ways to get to the top of an oak tree: start climbing or sit on an acorn.

Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

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Invisibletruekimbo2
Cya later, friends.
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Registered: 12/08/02
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Re: The True History of the Bush Presidency, as told by The Onion [Re: MrBump]
    #9661422 - 01/22/09 07:51 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

sorry, i am no where through it, but holy shit lol, check this one out:

bush: "our long nightmare of peace and economic prosperity is over"

lol, from when he first took office.


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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
Re: The True History of the Bush Presidency, as told by The Onion [Re: MrBump]
    #9661788 - 01/22/09 08:36 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

September 26, 2001: American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie.



LOL


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Offlinewrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy
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Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 13,679
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Re: The True History of the Bush Presidency, as told by The Onion [Re: MrBump]
    #9661800 - 01/22/09 08:37 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

as funny as it may be, thats a lot of words...


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
f n o r d
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Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
Re: The True History of the Bush Presidency, as told by The Onion [Re: wrestler_az]
    #9661981 - 01/22/09 09:12 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

take your time


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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.

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InvisiblePyroBurns
душа кофе


Registered: 10/14/07
Posts: 4,343
Re: The True History of the Bush Presidency, as told by The Onion [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #9662270 - 01/22/09 10:07 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

December 28, 2005: North Korea Nukes Self In Desperate Plea For Attention.

February 15, 2008: Asian Markets Fall Like Cherry Blossoms In Gentle Spring Rain.


These two are the best. :lol:


--------------------
Remember to cut your nails regularly.


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