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OfflineTeKHeAD009
Stranger
Registered: 04/04/02
Posts: 760
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
Kathy
    #966155 - 10/16/02 04:31 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

**My last post here for while, I swear  :smirk:**

In my dreams you still come to me,
One year has passed between.
I wish I could just talk to you,
I don't think that will be.

Call them haunting or reunites,
No matter either way.
I miss you and dreams don't help much,
I always want to stay.

These dreams they are not very grand,
Glimpses of you and me.
Not doing, talking, anything,
They seem as plain as sand.

Simple as sand may sometimes seem,
Its always much more deep.
Miniscule parts make up the full,
Defining the whole heap.

Your autumn hair,
Your freckled face,
And beautiful brown eyes.
Your slight smile,
Your illusive laugh,
Our uneasy good byes.
Your brick built walls,
And barbed wire fence,
But how you let me through.
I sincerely hope you don't regret
The day that I met you.

You've inspired me in ways unseen
I hope I've done the same.
Its unfortunate our end had come
As quickly as it came.

In my dreams you still come to me
One year has passed between.
I'd much like more then just these dreams
Please write me dear Kathleen.

Any constructive criticism encouraged. What do you guys think? 


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Offlinemr_kite
The Watcher
Male

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 2,577
Loc: shambhala
Last seen: 5 years, 4 months
Re: Kathy [Re: TeKHeAD009]
    #968992 - 10/17/02 02:18 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Yeah, definately a huge improvement from the first one you wrote. You've started using imagery a lot more and that makes it a lot more interesting and enjoyable. I like all of it, apart from maybe the sand bit... I don't really get it, and I'm not too sure if it works, but maybe that's just me. Keep writing, it's the only way you'll keep getting better.


--------------------
let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love


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Invisiblepuscle
genius of love
Registered: 01/07/01
Posts: 4,539
Loc: NY
Re: Kathy [Re: TeKHeAD009]
    #969067 - 10/17/02 02:39 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Yeah, that's good stuff.


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OfflineTeKHeAD009
Stranger
Registered: 04/04/02
Posts: 760
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
Re: Kathy [Re: TeKHeAD009]
    #969131 - 10/17/02 02:57 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Thank you... that'll be the last of it for a while... till I know I get better  :tongue:

I used the sand thing as a comparism. The dreams I have of her are so plain. There is nothing involved compared to all of my other dreams where I am actuially doing something. These dreams are just of us... thats it. Not talking or doing anything - just a brief glimp of us together. But yet they're so detailed in the ways then listed. And they spark such an emotional reaponce in my dreamscape.

Your right it does throw it off a little. I'm sure I could have figured out a better way of comparing it. 
(edit - typos)


Edited by TeKHeAD009 (10/17/02 03:09 PM)


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Offlinemr_kite
The Watcher
Male

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 2,577
Loc: shambhala
Last seen: 5 years, 4 months
Re: Kathy [Re: TeKHeAD009]
    #971484 - 10/18/02 05:25 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

I like it. Even more now because I understand it more, from your explaination. It would make a damn fine lyric. Keep posting them, it's good to see other people's work. you could just post several in the same thread.


--------------------
let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love


Edited by mr_kite (10/18/02 05:27 AM)


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OfflinePenguin
You can't be me I'm a Rockstar

Registered: 02/10/02
Posts: 1,830
Loc: On the Arctic ice shelf.
Last seen: 2 years, 6 months
Re: Kathy [Re: mr_kite]
    #982035 - 10/22/02 07:28 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

did you say brick? J/K. I like it!


--------------------
The fear of loss is always greater than the desire for gain


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