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jivJaN
yes


Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 4,245
Last seen: 10 years, 10 months
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My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely)
#9397540 - 12/09/08 03:54 AM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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As a child i was pure. Laughter , love , fun , joy FREEDOM. I had parents. I had friends. I had myself and everything around me. Parents taught me their ways , friends told me what was cool , i told them what was cool and teachers in school tried teaching me what they took for granted. We were .. well not rich , but just set pretty good financially.
When i would "have to" go to bed , i wondered why i am secluded in this little room while my parents were laughing and having a good old time with their friends. Why i did not deserve to be a part of it. I can be funny too. I can listen and interact just like them. It made me sad. These were early signs of separation. Why was i not allowed in their circle ? What did they not want me to see.? They were drinking , smoking cigarettes listening to music and having fun throughout the night.. talking about "grown up" stuff right ? Wrong.. Do you want your child to see you drinking a glass of whiskey and telling sex jokes. Probably not. It is now my opinion that they simply were trying to avoid having to explain why this is the way they interact with each other. Why they have pleasure in these things. Why am i not allowed to do so? Children are curious. I was curious. What are our parents actually doing with their teachings ? Trying to prepare us to be ok with this ? *That was step one.
When i was nine , my family decided to move from america back to my home country. My father owned a night club that was at the time being run by his friends back home. It turned that his "friends" decided to take it in a different direction.(this is knowledge acquired on this subject later in life)
They had a little section of the club that was a little prostitution agency, for lack of a better term. The club was being bullied arround by the local criminals and they wanted percentage. Maybe mafia is a better word. So they infiltrated .. and things kind of got out of control. My father decided to go back and take care of this situation. So.. We all went back. 10 days later he was beat to death. He actually went into a coma for 2 days and passed away. I thought.. How unfair. My mother told me he just got into a fight , was punched and landed on a step with the back of his head. Basically an accident. The trial was on. Nothing happened. The night club was "inherited" by my mother as his wife. I started being followed on my way to school daily.. and a couple days after my pregnant aunt was kidnapped. So.. my mother was scared.. Gave the club away. We were left broke. *That was step two.
So.. my mother was alone.. taking care of my sister and i .. with basically no skills , being that she gave birth to me at the age of 20. She got scared. Not too long after .. she found a new guy. And.. this new guy was one of my fathers friends. I thought.. Maybe my father wouldnt like this if he were alive. Why would his friend try to make a move with his wife. Why didnt this happen before he was killed if it was love? If it was something pure ? Well .. when i was almost 11 i got a brother. His father disowned him and wanted nothing to do with him. My mother was now alone with 3 kids. *That was step 3
I was now going going to school in this country for the second year. Kids around me were growing up. Getting bigger.. talking more.. Starting to swear and use expressions that their parents or older brothers and sisters would use. So for me being a short little half-americanized boy.. It was a little stressfull. They dont like americans. They called me an american. I thought why ? What difference does it make ? I had clothes from america , so i was labeled a show-off. They didnt know it was tj max. and other stores parents would go , to shop for their kids that just get their shit dirty constantly.. And who cares anyway ? I was a nice little kid. I didnt lie. I saw no point in it. But.. some of those little fellas would say that they are busy.. grounded .. whatever.. and i would go outside and play alone only to see them accidentally hanging out at the same place? I thought , again WHY? Why was there a need for such dishonesty ? Why was there a need for secluding me in the first place? They didnt even know me that well to say that i am this or that.. I was just a trend i quess.. *That was step four
Well... everybody got a little bit older. I was observing these interactions all around me. Boys hanging out with boys.. Girls with girls.. boys with girls. Teacher with us students. Older kids with younger kids. Parents with kids in general. And.. I noticed a pattern. I was still very young not 7th or 8th grade.. The pattern was.. very , very simple.. A simple notion that governed the interaction and the existence of all these people in a certain way. Control. Everything.. was simply a form of control. I thought.. AGAIN.. WHY? Where did the need come from.. and what was the purpose. So.. to an effect their must be a cause... It was fear. All of these little kids : scared of older kids, scared of being secluded,scared of being lonely. Scared of this separation.. yet they were empowering it as long as they were not on the lower end. And i somehow managed to connect this to everyone else.. Not just my school and "buddy" surroundings. Even to the older and younger people. Male, female it didnt matter. Everybody was a part of this game. So was i .. But it seemed as though i was loosing. Now that i think of it who cares about winning or losing a game. But.. What do you do .. when the game is all there is ? *That was step five
We all got a little more older. It was the time when boys, stop worrying so much about hanging out with boys and start getting involved with the girls. There were many pretty girls. Girls tend to grow a little bit faster that boys so most of the pretty girls were taller than me. I thought.. it doesnt matter. If we really like each other.. it shouldnt be an issue. Well... what do you think happened ? I got a girlfriend.. she liked me.. i liked her.. But she was "popular" got made fun of for the height difference . And that was just "unacceptable" I got made fun of too.. But i didnt really care. So.. she didnt actually break up with me... She sent a friend of hers.. to ask another guy.. infront of me.. whether he would go out with her. Oh well.. *That was step six
Needless to say.. that step kind of made me accelerate through the following steps. I was going to start playing this "game" of theirs. And oooh.. was it easy. I started applying this research i had done on these people and i wasnt in sorrow anymore. I wasnt wondering why they do it. Why this separation was present. Why hierarchy existed and why power,control through this fear that they all failed to notice. And if they noticed , they failed to admit and refuse. It was almost like.. They wanted to be evil motherfuckers every last one of them. Fighting for that number one spot. Well.. no more i said. If thats the game you play , and i have to play it.. Im gonna do it so i dont suffer. Im gonna win. And not to my surprise.. It wasnt hard. I thought how stupid they were to like me now. I was still the same person. What they liked about was this Lie i was using to get around. Even before high-school.. i was manipulating people to the extent that they were not aware of it. One guy .. One girl.. Or a big group of people.. I didnt care.. and it was easy. This applied even to my teachers , and "grown ups" I will not go into the techniques.. I feel they are unnecessary and the further text will explain why. I went through high-school in a completely different fashion. I thought that it was no longer necessary to be "noticed" .. To be someone everybody knows. I felt more comfortable doing this work without being distracted by all the people that liked me and what-not... I thought.. If they dont know its me.. All the much easier. Worked like a charm. I was going into early adult-hood. I wasnt that short anymore. And i was pretty handsome. Basically.. i wanted something.. I got it. And nobody ever.. had a clue what was going on. Approaching my 18 year i already had thought that i was simply superior to this cowardly race of mammals . I used to call them worms. Worms that left slimy little trails everywhere visible only to my dilated eye , and light did not change my solitude. I had hate. I had disgust. I had pride , spite and a big fucking ego. I did not love anymore.. I couldnt. How could I ? Recognizing only the purity i saw within myself and no-one else. Pattern-like character alteration of other did not deceive me , because it was all that shaped the environment relentlessly around me. Pregnant smokers switching to a light cigarette. Friends with excuses, and women who love when you dont care. I took nothing for granted. Nothing was free and the constant string presence convinced that true selflessness was only an imagination. Just like this love thing everybody was holding on to so blindly. , like it was the only relevance in ones life. What can it mean to love ? Being "in love" seemed to be the maximum according to my research. But it was.. giving blindly without a second thought, being preoccupied with only an idea and being hypersensitive to every contact to the one they "thought" they loved. But it never seemed to last without a proper counter-reaction. "Fuck you if you dont feel the same way i do." So.. i put a truth in what i thought to be this absract chemical battle. Loving means honestly diregarding yourself for someone else without ever wishing that this someone knows or sees your sacrifice. So.. is it possible i thought. Is it possible to be so unimportant ? This question would dwell in my mind for a long time..
Untill.. i met a girl. Beatiful girl. As girls were always an easy target for me.. i approached this individual accordingly. With subtle trickery.. She was going to a protest for animal rights. Now.. despite my (at the time) opinion on humanity i always loved and immensely cared for animals and plants and nature in general. I thought that these humans had no right ,in the first place, to get such a beautiful planet only to be destroying it like this. So i told here very eloquently how her protest was futile , being that the governing powers laugh at this , and use the ridicule of caring individuals like this to make other people not want to be a part of it. Just like those little kids in school... Well.. i ended up going anyway. She said how she has a boyfriend. I thought.. "Perfect ! I love destroying these delusional attachments " And .. i did. I walked her home.. and after not making any advances whatsoever.. I just kissed her. One of the tricks i used to use, only on certain females. But then the strangest thing happened... It started raining. Pooring. Instantly as our lips touched. And.. what can i tell you. Ill never forget that kiss. It was something totally out of the ordinary. I met up with her a couple times later and i would feel extremely calm in her presence. Free.. of this negativity and hatred i created and just let boil on a low simmer. It just disappeared. She was... Pure. There was no lie on the inside and even though the personality would try.. i cannot be deceived. There were many blockages in her attitude .. And i did many very nice things for her. Probably things that no other person has. So this made her let down the guard.. And.. I got a hug. Will never forget that hug either. Or any of them for that matter. It was like a surge of light and love incomprehensible.. Almost healing.. I could tell she was very hurt and frustrated by the social surroundings.. and those hugs were just.. Freedom. Was i "in love" ? I beg to differ. For.. this , was the first time , i was willing to renounce everything to keep her safe. I would have ended my life , my entire existence as a being so she would shed no more tears. And she would cry a lot. She was a vegetarian , an activist .. did all kinds of charity work.. And .. she was a beautiful 6foot "lady"  So.. I said. I will do one more experiment. I will give myself, unconditionally .. absolutely 100% . I was not to matter. I.. was just .. her toy if she felt like playing.. This was my intention. Even though i was feeling something completely new.. I had many built up thoughts behind that would not flee so easily. So.. i did for some reason look at this as an experiment. At least.. in the beginning. After a while.. I was completely lost. There was no more of the old way .. because she was my point of focus. Nothing else mattered. It was this one hug turned everything around. Was it for the better ? I didnt know.. Pain , beauty,sadness,nervousness, euphoria .. EVERYTHING just became available in enormous amounts. Ridiculous humans, trivial expressions and stories and the "meaningless touch" ..started gaining a new shape. And the twisted ego poisoned with narcism stopped carrying me everywhere around. I was not a winner anymore , for i had stopped my search for victory. All i wanted was that hug. That feeling of being home... of being a child. It is clean, Strong .. and without a lie.. And it filled me with this feeling that gave itself the right to be the only ONE. And it was not my first. ... Far ,far from it. Good .. i thought.. I was finally.. Losing control. It was going good.. i was satisfied. And then.. She left me... For the first time in my life i was unable to have sex. I couldnt.. She was so precious.. I felt like i would be making her dirty.. hurting her.. I tried.. but with no success.. I was ashamed. There she found , that it was her, that was the problem , and thought she was not attractive enough.I tried convincing her it was me.. And we tried many time more.. With no effect. I couldnt do it. And it wasnt the lack of sex that drove her away.. Simply the one thing that she lacked..The ego.. the self-love.. She was somehow convinced.. that she is the problem. She left.. Losing .. more control.. She left..... I wanted to cry.. But i couldnt. Cruddy habit and my personal behavioral pattern i had so naively acquired was blocking it. And i was writing. And all the best words were written while these tears , doing life sentence, planned their escape...angry,said,demented from the idea that they will end up as snot on some double quoted paper in the toilet bowl when i blow my nose. An unjust conviction, futile in the battle with the system that punished so cruely..and does not care for the consequences. Like anything else that possesses power and control.. Like you .. Like me.. Cold because the body has got into the habit of heating itself.. on its own.. all curled up , and small without the warmth that spreads our arms.. lips.. legs.. Why then do we need this quasi power and feeling of firm principle ? Rip me apart from all sides.. Confuse me ! Scare me ! hurt me ! I give myself the true power.. I renounce you.. I renounce myself.. I do not wish to own.. I wish to belong..
All control .. was lost.
There.. came in.. The psychedelics  The world i wished to inhabit became available. The people seemed to transform to the pure i was searching for.. They were easier to bare and connect with. Many of them somehow.. probably realized they cant be fake around me. I noticed it like a glitch .. Like a bug in a video game. I discovered .. a world i could belong in. And soon after.. it became so obvious to me. I was wrong.. The entire time.. I was fucking wrong ! When you get to be "GOD" for a little amount of time.. you realize.. You dont want to touch anything. Leave it alone.. Creation is so beautiful, powerful, yet so fragile to be meddled with.. It is the free will which makes existence plausible.. Loving.. interesting , funny , discusting and all the above.. It is the control that hinders the purity.. The outer effect of this "super someone" who thinks he is better , and that he can explain to you the right way. NO.. Every single "bad" thing , if you will has happened because of the infringement of free will.. These people here are not really the way ,this mask we call personality tends to show us.. They are but.. Victims of an unfair treatment. And the easiest way out always seems to exact same counter-reaction. They are full of fear and identify them selves with this power figure to feel safe. It is like.. We are all children.. Simply being secluded in our fucking bedrooms and taught that 1+1 is 2. But its not. We are children.. All of us.. Not just humans.. And we all need love. Not this false love.. this self righteous expression of a glimpse of a feeling. True love. And true love is.. knowing the truth.. and loving it. Without looking back.
So.. My journey had drastically changed its course. Upon the realization of myself , being in the past as one of these malevolent figures that got this planet in the state it is. My cause became different. I was not to care for myself.. I was to care for others. (I now feel as this change , although very agressive and self tormenting , was indeed very necessary.) To serve.. Others. This went .. almost to the point of martyrdom in everyday life. All is one... And this was the message to be sent wherever it may be heard. An opinion to be stated , whenever it is requested. A helping hand.. whenever it is needed. I was , and still am .. A servant. But not a part of the slavery that governs this world.. A servant.. to the infinite creation. I had learned.. how to cry.. I had become peaceful .. serene.. helping .. caring ..loving to all beings. I shine with my pure now , with light towards every soul. Cause even tha "bad guys" just need a twinkle .. I twinkle in the eye of creation , a dying star giving birth to an entirely new universe. And we all hold this within.. And walk in it at the same time. Positive thinking and emotion was to be the turning point for this planet.. just as it was for me. And if others would not seek this. I would not say , honoring the free will.
But.. something happened. An unexpected error. A virus.. i thought , wrongfully i might add. I started having very, very negative thoughts. Just streaming into my brain. A voice like my own.. contradicting and denying every pure and healthy thought. Totally .. irrational , ignorant.. INSANE. I thought i was loosing it. I thought.. mind control ,illuminati,the orion group , i was possessed PERSONALITY DISSORDER .. Every threatening idea came to me in its attempt to frighten me.. I was talking to myself as if it were another person.. And then i would get a response back at me like i were saying it back at myself. Inner dialogue that never ended and always involving idiotic attacks at my identity. To make me give up on this quest of raising consciousness.. Raising global awareness and , peace , love unity.. all just started to seem like it was going to be my downfall.. Terrible nightmares.. Terrible thoughts , terrible state of mind.. Mentally , emotionally unfit to be around others.. But i was brave.. Fighting this negativity.. So i tried facing it.. Letting it take over.. And.. It would.. I would become the projection of this negativity and could see this in the way i was behaving toward others.. So.. i went back. My suffering continued. I was to stay on track. Not to forget my mission. And if that meant.. explaining my point of view to this voice constantly than so be it. I would sit in one spot and do this untill he gives up. I always knew that this was me actually defying myself.. But , it seamed so hard to explain this , that another figure was far more appropriate for me to deal with. And thus .. i gave my other self existance.
And then.. All of the sudden. Realization. It was ME. Always.. But .. It was the old me. My negative thoughts were the result of memory. I have been a changed person for some time now. I thought.. there was no hope for people.. Now i know more.. I know better. And this transition has made realize my true path. But the brain.. had a hard time changing so fast. The awakening/remembering process was a little harsh on the mind. My Soul is stronger now , and i have forced my brain too much to do such a spin on itself. I had discarded the old me like a worthless piece of shit.And the world made him be this piece of shit. But it wasnt his fault. It wasnt MY fault.I am endlessly sorry. In all this commotion i actually forgot to love myself. NO MORE i said. Now.. WE are ONE. Now i am ready to serve. All is ONE -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you very much if you have made it this far. I tend to go a bit too far sometimes , But i felt it was necessary.. For myself.. and for others that find themselves on a similar path.
I remember myself as i was.. As a child.. Pure.. I recognized myself this way.. But my environment , which is one we all share.. was not showing itself in this form. It was not my fault , no matter how conscious and aware i was when making the bad decision in my life. And its not your fault. We are all a part of the same lie , and breaking through can be difficult if you think you are the only one.
I am here.. after everything.. To tell you .. That everything.. will be ok. We just need to love each other.. and stop being scared.
Infinity is what awaits us.Adonai
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--------------------- All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional. They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively. I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal. If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..
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Scratcher
Stranger

Registered: 01/05/00
Posts: 2,323
Loc: eH
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: jivJaN]
#9400635 - 12/09/08 03:55 PM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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I read it all and found it very interesting. I found many similarities with consciousness shifting events I've experienced on my own path. I have always wanted to put my story down on paper now that I have had a fair amount of time to reflect. Maybe this post will inspire me. I do like your writing style. Many obscure points that, I'm sure, have specific meaning to you, but leave room for interpretation for the reader. And of course, the message of Oneness is my own personal truth as well. Cool post, thanks for taking the time to type that all out!
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lavod
Seal Whisperer


Registered: 06/23/06
Posts: 5,446
Loc: Over the rainbow
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: Scratcher]
#9400863 - 12/09/08 04:22 PM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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93 Doves of dawn. 93 93/93
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c0sm0nautt


Registered: 05/19/08
Posts: 10,303
Loc: The Astral Realm
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: lavod]
#9401256 - 12/09/08 05:12 PM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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I really enjoyed the read. You have had a interesting human experience, and it has no doubt shaped and molded you to be who you need to be.
I feel I have tapping into your soul, all the hardships and pain, and all the love.
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Kickle
Wanderer



Registered: 12/16/06
Posts: 17,885
Last seen: 11 minutes, 24 seconds
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: c0sm0nautt]
#9403059 - 12/09/08 10:06 PM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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A worthy read.
Do you think your outlook will continue to change, or is it now set?
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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jivJaN
yes


Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 4,245
Last seen: 10 years, 10 months
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: lavod]
#9403196 - 12/09/08 10:21 PM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
lavod said: 93 Doves of dawn. 93 93/93
Im sorry.. i dont understand.  Am i supposed to ? I will try to make an interpretation. Well.. my right ear is ringing.. Could be good ?
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--------------------- All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional. They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively. I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal. If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..
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jivJaN
yes


Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 4,245
Last seen: 10 years, 10 months
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: Kickle]
#9403309 - 12/09/08 10:35 PM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Kickle said: A worthy read.
Do you think your outlook will continue to change, or is it now set?
oops.. didnt see that one 
The "outlook" ,as you say, is ever-changing, Although the ultimate goal is the same for all of us. When one progresses to the point of attaining all necessary knowledge, he becomes a part of intelligent infinity. The experiences dating from the primal , up to the last point in the truth seeking process , all the incarnations , all the densities simply all the existence he ever had...are gathered and serve as an example to the infinite creation, so to speak.. One ceases to have an identity , to have a self. And becomes pure energy... Light. The ultimate service .. Allness and Foreverness
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--------------------- All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional. They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively. I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal. If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..
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Kickle
Wanderer



Registered: 12/16/06
Posts: 17,885
Last seen: 11 minutes, 24 seconds
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: jivJaN]
#9403445 - 12/09/08 11:00 PM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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What makes you so certain of the ultimate goal?
You speak of the past as if it is set, but I'd argue that it is a reflection of your current point in time. Likewise with the ultimate goal.
If where you are is subject to change, so then, would the goal.
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
Edited by Kickle (12/09/08 11:03 PM)
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jivJaN
yes


Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 4,245
Last seen: 10 years, 10 months
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: Kickle]
#9403824 - 12/10/08 12:26 AM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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Well.. im not sure.. I guess it would be more appropriated if i said that the previously stated IS my outlook.
 I didnt mean to propose that this is a "philosophy" everyone should pursue. They are simply my understandings. What i was trying to say is that the way of perception in always changing for me.. It is the notion which shows the progress IF perception and consciousness has changed through the catalyst of love and/or wisdom. Although .. the "final ?" goal cannot , for me, be more obvious.. And it is - returning to the source. Becoming who we really are under all these distortions , for i do perceive them all as distortions , simply necessary to induce learning. And every story is simply a story to enlarge the "network". For it is intelligent infinity .. not infinite intelligence.
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--------------------- All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional. They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively. I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal. If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..
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ChiefGreenLeaf

Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 1,596
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: jivJaN]
#9418975 - 12/12/08 02:39 PM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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That was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. I am at a point now where I am realizing my path and I am amazed with the similarities. This has really roused up a lot of feelings. Time to go love.
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ivander
Paragon of Animal



Registered: 11/01/08
Posts: 1,519
Last seen: 11 months, 16 days
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: ChiefGreenLeaf]
#9422903 - 12/13/08 05:27 AM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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as a personal friend of jivjan... all I can say is, that I am, a bit, so to say, better informed on some of those things, I observed over the years, but never found right place to put them, considering him as a personality...
..anyway, it was a great life story-so far, to read...
I'll take care for the girl, and I hope seeing you soon...
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Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. - Nietzsche I've never faked a sarcasm in my life. True story.
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JohnnyTruant
The Polycannon



Registered: 10/02/08
Posts: 226
Loc: The great state of Mind
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: jivJaN]
#9425432 - 12/13/08 04:52 PM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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I have had a very similar experience to this so far, mentally anyway. The only significant difference in my experience is that I never decided to play their game. I was too proud of being "above" it to let myself participate, for any reason. I still don't participate, but only because I think it keeps us "in the system" so to speak.
You decribe everything perfectly. Awesome post.
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jivJaN
yes


Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 4,245
Last seen: 10 years, 10 months
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: JohnnyTruant]
#9425739 - 12/13/08 05:41 PM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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Well yes.. Trying to be above the system by following its code , so to speak , only perpetuates the continuity of the same. You have been wise not to indulge. Perhaps.. i needed to make mistakes , in order to learn. Thank you for reading
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--------------------- All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional. They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively. I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal. If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..
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JohnnyTruant
The Polycannon



Registered: 10/02/08
Posts: 226
Loc: The great state of Mind
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
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Re: My path (caution - very long and to be read entirely) [Re: jivJaN]
#9425891 - 12/13/08 06:07 PM (15 years, 2 months ago) |
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Yeah, mistakes are excellent teachers. Even in not participating in the "system" I made a mistake. It may be best not to indulge in the game, but only if you abstain from it for the right reasons. Pride was my enemy for a long time, and was ultimately what kept me from moving beyond simple knowledge of the truth.
I'm all better now though
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