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Anonymous #1
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Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style.
#9000667 - 09/28/08 11:54 PM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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I just started the first draft. I've posted my work here before and got some great feedback. Basically, I just want to know if my style of writing is decent yet (and, would you read it?). I've only been writing on my own for a couple of years.
Quick summery: I'm taking a break from my big writing project and doing a short horror story. Plots still forming. As of right now, the story seems to be moving towards a certain event occurring in which an entire block of houses is found abandoned, all powers off,a single empty squad car is found in the middle of the street, and on top of it all, it's Halloween night! Haha, as you can see, I'm still working the plot out. This scene is introducing two main characters and is the opening of chapter 1.
The Dead Block
Danny set the bowl of candy down to reach for her buzzing cell phone. She paused the movie and looked at who was calling. It was Liz Kolden. Danny smiled and answered. “Alright, your calling at-“ Danny checked her watch, “7:30pm. What happened?” “Disaster. Absolute disaster,” said Liz. “Details. I want all of them,” said Danny curling up on the couch. “Things started well enough. Parents were out at some party and he had a movie all ready to go for us. It was so cute, he turned his living room into a little movie theater for me. Even had the popcorn ready to go. Paul’s got a projector, so he had that big white screen all set up to. We both snuggle up on the couch and I’m loving every second-“ “What movie?” “You impatient bitch, I’m getting to that part.” “Sorry, sorry. Go on.” “Thank you. He starts naming movies, and I just say to pick one. I don’t give a fuck, I just wanted him back on the couch. So he picks one, turns down all the lights, turns up the volume and pushes play. I decide to behave myself, at least until the movie actually gets going.” “Behave yourself?” Laughter came out from Danny’s side of the phone. “The movie starts, “said Liz, ignoring Danny’s last comment, “Event Horizon. Heard of it?” “Oh god, Stephen swears by that movie. I haven’t seen it, but you know Stephen loves those fucked up movies.” “Danny, you know I’m horrible with scary movies, but I can usually deal with it.” “Deal with it? You made me spend the night with you after we saw Leprechaun at Joshes house.” “Hey, you promised we wouldn’t talk about that night. But I’ll tell you right now, 5 minutes into Event Horizon, I was almost peeing myself. He touched my hand, and I actually jumped.” “Why didn’t you just ask him to turn it off?” “I don’t know, I was asking myself that when I was driving away from the house in complete shame. I guess I’m self conscience about being scared so easily. About halfway through the movie, right when it’s getting really fucked, the projectors bulb blows out. Complete darkness. I told him to turn on the lights, but he started laughing and going on about how creepy it was. I pretended to laugh along with him, but asked him to turn on the lights again. Danny, I couldn’t see a thing. He gets up and starts fucking with me, saying he that the women in the movie with no eyes was standing in the corner, watching us. Then starts tickling me. That’s all it took…” “Oh no…” “Yeah…I let go. Completely lost all control. He stopped laughing and asked if we tipped over some water on the couch. I shoved him off and ran towards the hallway. Found the switch and turned it on. I looked over at him and he was still on the couch but now he was smelling his hands and a pillow with this look on his face. A minute later, I was out the door driving.” “Oh my god,” said Danny, who could barely get a word out through her laughing. “Oh, jesus Lizard, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry” “I’m headed home to go get cleaned up. Hey, would you quit laughing? Fuck. I called for your support, you bitch.” “I know, I know. Come over after you change. I didn’t mean to laugh, I was just imagining that face when he realized-“ “Let’s just stop talking about it. I’ll call you when I’m on my way over.”
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#9000878 - 09/29/08 12:52 AM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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I wouldn't read it, but it looks like it would sell.
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Anonymous #3
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#9000943 - 09/29/08 01:08 AM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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epic fail
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Anonymous #4
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#9001703 - 09/29/08 08:58 AM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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Youre a fag iss
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Anonymous #5
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#9001763 - 09/29/08 09:19 AM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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Not bad.
Certainly doesn't read like a horror story at all yet, though.
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Anonymous #6
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #5]
#9001838 - 09/29/08 09:37 AM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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YES
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Anonymous #7
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#9001916 - 09/29/08 10:01 AM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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Leaning towards a NO. dialogue is important, but to write an entire short story told through the dialogue of a phone conversation doesn't do much for me.
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Anonymous #8
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#9002325 - 09/29/08 11:51 AM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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You're writing an entire short story and all we get is a single yes or no comment?
Ok.
No.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #7]
#9002327 - 09/29/08 11:52 AM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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This is just the opening of the story, right after that last line, they hang up and the main character begins her journey home. I like the mix responses. Maybe I'll post the next short section a little later today.
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Anonymous #5
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#9003343 - 09/29/08 03:32 PM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said: This is just the opening of the story, right after that last line, they hang up and the main character begins her journey home. I like the mix responses. Maybe I'll post the next short section a little later today.
That would be good. Maybe you can include a little of the horror that we're supposed to be opinionating on here.
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Anonymous #9
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#9004075 - 09/29/08 06:11 PM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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Keep going, it's totally readable. Most creative writing I read in the anon forum is hopeless.
My biggest complaint would be that not much is revealed about the characters through that dialogue. We know Liz is a fraidy cat, we know nothing about Danny. It's a bit tiresome to follow dialogue between people we don't know at all. Drop hints about these people throughout the conversation. If, say, Danny could hear Liz sucking on a cigarette between her hurried sentences, or trotting down the sidewalk in her stilettos, Liz would begin to take shape for us pretty quickly. Right now they are both pretty much blank faces to the reader.
Do you know who these people are yet? Their habits and prejudices, their lifestyles and their pasts? If you do, let the reader know, and quickly, because we'll only bear with you for a page or two without something particularly intriguing. Put questions in the reader's head right off the bat.
Post more, I would like to read it.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #9]
#9004543 - 09/29/08 07:25 PM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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#9, characters are still a little weak, I definitely hear you on that one. I think it's simply because I don't have a good feel for who they are yet. Characters are a challenge for me and usually take a couple pages of writing until I find out who they really are. I posted this for one main reason: I don't have anyone to ask if my writings any good. I'm not in school right now, and my friends aren't big on writing. I'll post a bit more after this just so I don't leave you hanging, but the plot is still being built and I'm probably going to be rewriting much of this.
“Love you Lizards.”
“Love you more old Dan.” Liz hung up the phone shaking her head. Calling Danny only made things worse. Did that bitch realize she had to go to school on Monday with Paul sitting directly behind her? She felt a renewed wave of horror pass over her just thinking of what Monday held.
Her jeep came to a stop in front of a passing group of kids with bags of candy. Two moms following the group of kids gave Liz one of those 'uh-oh, it’s one of those girls' looks. More than anything, those looks annoyed Liz most. She looked into the mirror. Her black hair was a complete mess and her thick eye shadow was smeared. She snapped the mirror shut and continued down the small street. It took almost 5 minutes to get down the street. Liz could already feel her skin forming rashes were the urine was drying. Oh, I can’t take this anymore, Liz said to herself as another group of kids passed in front of her car. Alright, time to find a new way home. She pulled out onto a main street. Just as she was began down the busy street, sirens sounded from behind her. “Oh Fuck.” Liz looked in her rear view mirror, and saw the police officer behind her with lights moving back and forth. On instinct, she tried to remember if there was anything illegal in the car. She had asked her brother to take out the rest of the pot, but the bong under the seat… The patrol car pulled into the left lane and passed Liz up. She laughed a little, reached under her seat and felt the bong. That would’ve been bad, she thought, not quite as bad as pissing on some guys couch, but still pretty bad. She turned back into the neighborhood on a dark looking street that seemed like the crowds might have already mobbed. It was Hallways Ave-the name didn’t ring any bells. She just moved into a house with her Brother in this area so she didn’t know her streets yet, but all these neighborhoods were laid out the same way.
As she made her way down the unnamed street, things began to seem wrong. For one, it was abnormally dark. There must have been a power outage, because along with every house being completely dark, even the street lights were out. And as she moved down the street, she could see the glow of red and blue lights coming from the center of the road. Liz slowed the jeep down and pulled up to the police car. The squad car’s doors were both open, but no police officers. “Oh Christ…” Liz brought the car to a stop and waited for a moment to see if an officer was going to tell her to turn around. But no one came. Liz leaned over and looked around, nothing but dark houses. “Oh fuck it,” said Liz. She put the car in drive, and started moving around the police car, which was no easy task; the right side of the police car left just enough room for a small car to get by. It looked hopeful at first, but just as she was about half way through, she looked to her left side just in time to see the officers rear view mirror hit her own and go flying back. Liz let out a yelp and stopped the car. She glanced around waiting to see an officer shaking his head and coming towards her. ‘You broke my mirror you little cunt! And you have a bong! I'm puttin' you away for a LONG time!’ But all she saw was the houses painted in the colors of the silent police lights, blue and red. Afraid to cause anymore damage, Liz put the car in reverse and parked it were she originally stopped. “Oh god, why me. I just want to get home, take my shower, and maybe try and forget what this horrid holiday has already put me through.” She opened her door and stepped out of the car. “Hello?” She called out, moving towards the police car. No answer. As she began looking around for any sign of activity, she noticed the other thing that was strange about this street: it smelled. It was faint yet sharp, hidden just beneath the smell of the city. She couldn’t place a name on the smell, but it was unpleasant enough to make anyone begin breathing through their nose. The police car was empty. The bright flashing lights made very thing around her seem even darker. She sighed and looked around, not sure what to do. Her rash began a slow, constant stinging. She looked down to see if her pants seemed wet, but what caught her eye was not her pants, but little dark drops that were covering the police door and the dark puddle that she was stepping in. She frowned and bent down to take a closer look. Her fingers reaching towards the puddle-
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Anonymous #8
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#9004648 - 09/29/08 07:42 PM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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Well, if you're going to allow a little more exchange between us as the audience and you as the writer I'll say this. Overall, it's a pretty good read. It doesn't matter to me if the characters don't appear full-blown in the first page. In fact, if they did I wouldn't like it. I can't think of too many stories where that happens.
The only criticism I have is some of the dialogue. It doesn't sound real; it sounds like a guy writing how he thinks girlfriends' talk. I'd find a way to get the girls to sound more like girls without overdoing it. I've read it and re-read it trying to get girls nowadays to sound like that in my head but it just doesn't work.
Aside from that tiny glitch I'd say you have something. It's obvious you can write. Keep it up.
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Anonymous #10
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #8]
#9006087 - 09/30/08 12:03 AM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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It's pretty readable and quite funny.
Some short narrative in between the dialogue could make things clearer. At first I thought once he answers the phone they're in the room together. Maybe mention some things like crackly voice or signal breaking up to remind us they're still on the phone.
Stylistically, I don't like "buzzing cell phone". I'm sure there's a term for it. For me it's sloppy writing. You do it again here: "said Danny curling up on the couch."
I haven't read part 2 yet.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #10]
#9006576 - 09/30/08 03:07 AM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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Yeah, I'm going to tone down the dialogue just a bit and make things much more clear as far as setting goes.
I'm sorry about part II...I'm rereading it and it's really inconsistent and has lots of typos. I'm not posting anymore until I work this thing out and properly revise it. But thanks guys, really...this helps a ton hearing people point out these things.
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Anonymous #11
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#9088238 - 10/16/08 07:26 PM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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I am worried.
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Anonymous #12
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Re: Writing a short horror story...just need a simple YES or NO on writing style. [Re: Anonymous #11]
#9088449 - 10/16/08 08:05 PM (15 years, 4 months ago) |
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i'd read it. fuck the haters
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