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 JacquesCousteau
Being.
 
Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
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Okay, last batch, then I'm done:
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"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
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I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls. But, on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. But, you know, Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "fuck it, cut em up!"
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When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Put some peanut butter on there, man."
But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it. 'Cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself!
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"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
...
"This shirt is dry-clean only... which means it's DIRTY."
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JacquesCousteau
Being.
Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
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Quote:
BrainChemistry said:
"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit."
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BrainChemistry
Captain Obvious
Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 3,657
Loc: Mountains of N. America 
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
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Quote:
I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!
Priceless
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Word to your mom.
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JacquesCousteau
Being.
Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
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"I wish I could play little league now. ... I'd kick some fuckin' ass."
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JacquesCousteau
Being.
Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
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It has been a pleasure remembering Mitch with you.  *highfive*
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BrainChemistry
Captain Obvious
Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 3,657
Loc: Mountains of N. America
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
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"If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink. But if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a fucking non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem too. And there are symptoms, like when you fall down, does it always hurt?"
"My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see."
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Word to your mom.
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Ampathy
Quiet.
Registered: 08/03/08
Posts: 127
Loc: New Jersey
Last seen: 12 years, 7 months
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Quote:
JacquesCousteau said:
Yeah, I'm wondering about that new album... I guess someone compiled some of his other work for him after the fact?
Unless I'm like... way behind the times and it actually turned out to be an April Fools joke... that would kick ass.
Mitch's death was announced on April 1st, 2005. He died on March 29th.
It was his way of getting the last laugh. I have much respect. 
His widow took all of his unreleased lives and made a CD of stuff people haven't heard
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Dank_Trichome
Registered: 03/28/08
Posts: 751
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
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 Re: Mitch Hedberg!  [Re: Ampathy]
#9026254 - 10/03/08 10:23 PM (15 years, 6 months ago) |
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Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Epigallo
Stranger
Registered: 09/17/06
Posts: 8,155
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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I saw a wino eating a grape. I said dude, you have to wait.
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Cannabischarlie
Resident badass
Registered: 11/28/05
Posts: 15,183
Last seen: 5 hours, 11 minutes
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Re: Mitch Hedberg! [Re: Epigallo]
#9026661 - 10/04/08 12:18 AM (15 years, 6 months ago) |
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is this dry humour
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This section of the signature line has been intentionally left blank.
 we could all use a little more sunshine.
 yeah, she's funny and somewhat interesting. not a beauty queen, but not bad lookin. i'd feel quite honored to fuck janine garofalo. -tiny_rabid_birds
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 California
A E S T H E T I C S A T A N
Registered: 12/27/04
Posts: 72,118
Loc: H A U N T E D H O U S E
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"Acid is my favorite drug. Acid expanded my mind. Because of acid I know that Acid is way better than margerine. I saw through the bull shit."
"Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns..."
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jewunit
Brutal!
Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 34,264
Loc: Ohio
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"I saw a seagull by the lake but I said 'Don't worry dude I won't say shit.'"
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!
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doja42
Stoney Baby
Registered: 07/22/08
Posts: 59
Loc: Kennesaw, Ga
Last seen: 15 years, 2 months
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The first Mitch joke I heard was "I went to the store to buy a candle holder, but they didn't have one so I got a cake.”
About 3 hours later when I got the joke, I laughed for about 5 min straight, and fell in love with Mitchell!
Quote:
JacquesCousteau said:
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
Love that one!
I loved his little one liners that would make you pee your pants when you realized what he just said
Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
And his random life observations that made you think of things in a different light, like
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"
I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!"
Love you Mitchell, RIP
Edited by doja42 (10/04/08 01:07 AM)
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doja42
Stoney Baby
Registered: 07/22/08
Posts: 59
Loc: Kennesaw, Ga
Last seen: 15 years, 2 months
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Re: Mitch Hedberg! [Re: Ampathy]
#9026868 - 10/04/08 01:26 AM (15 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Ampathy said:
Quote:
JacquesCousteau said:
Yeah, I'm wondering about that new album... I guess someone compiled some of his other work for him after the fact?
Unless I'm like... way behind the times and it actually turned out to be an April Fools joke... that would kick ass.
Mitch's death was announced on April 1st, 2005. He died on March 29th.
It was his way of getting the last laugh. I have much respect.
His widow took all of his unreleased lives and made a CD of stuff people haven't heard
Yea, remember her, his girlfriend named Lynn.
Quote:
She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.
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Merkin
neep.
Registered: 07/04/03
Posts: 27,537
Loc: Ass Flavoured Pie Factory
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this is funny as 
mitch on that 70s show
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Wheels of cheese wheeels of cheeeeese!!!
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