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I wrote this up a couple years ago. It was my second trip, on 18 grams fresh cubensis (4 fruits between pinky and index-finger-sized) blended with aronia juice (MAOI?) and lemon, taken on an empty stomach.
Within 20 minutes of dosing, the streets were undulating. I hurried home on foot, stopping only 4 or 5 times per block for no reason. I went upstairs immediately, needing to escape the noise downstairs. I closed the stairs door, but my dog began whimpering. I couldn't have him whimpering, so let him up. His nails on the stairs grated on me.
I drew the curtains and turned off the lights. Even in the dark I caught my face in the mirror and watched startled as waves rippled through it leaving ghostly traces. The light bleeding in from the curtains' edge was too much. I laid down and pulled the blanket over my head; it felt like a gel or rubber.
Some noises from downstairs were bothering me. I was starting to panic that I hadn't made adequate preparations, wouldn't be able to escape the noises that seemed so loud and unnerving. I got up and called to my wife where were the earplugs? "We don't have any." "Can you please turn the television off?" She did. I laid down again. Their voices hurt. Music. I turned on the radio and it was talk. I turned it off without searching for other stations.
Pulsing throbbing patterns, moire lines, and the sounds of a jet engine of rising pitch, muffled, filled my perception. There was a problem in this energy field, and it was me; I was the source of turbulence in the rush around me. I would have to be broken down and eroded to resolve the tension, restore the peace. I was afraid. I regretted having joked earlier about not knowing the potency of these fruits.
The part of me that watched, that tried to record and remember and monitor and analyze and direct, the part that was saying "this is kicking my ass, this is strong, this is not a recreational experience!" could not continue. I began composing a good bye note that I would slip under the door, telling my wife that I would be OK but going away, and that she should go away too, leave me. Of course it was too late to actually write a note.
I was coming apart, merging and splitting and slipping away, pleading with myself to let go, not perpetuate the tension by pleading with myself, thinking and watching and being my own subject; that would have to end. Very afraid.
I opened my eyes and the light from the curtains' edge was streaming in like full sun, white. I shut my eyes tight and felt my body drifting apart, melting in the covers, forming warm puddles seeping into my dog's curly coat.
I heard music, very energetic polyphonic music rising in pitch and tempo and volume, along with the jet noise changing pitch as if trying to keep a constant airspeed and heading in a hurricane. It was pleasurable, throbbing, like a trembling leaf in that storm, tearing free of the branch. I smiled as I felt coming apart; smile broadened to split ears and join at the back of head. This went on for what seemed like half an hour. Lost grasp of time. I might have blacked out or slept.
Next I remember tears coming from my closed eyes. I began to mutter "the innermost center of the matter, the heart of the heart, the secret" and similar. I felt the presence of my friend who had died one year ago. I was very happy about this. I cried more. More faces and names of dear ones far or lost, all near me, all one. This lasted for what seemed like 20 minutes. I repeated their names. "The place where [name] and [name] and [name] are, the secret place" and so on.
Wife came in some time later and asked how I was. "I am imperturbable." I farted and laughed, and my little son did too. I talked about dying and decomposing and having nothing to fear. We cuddled and kissed. I got up and made a bowl of oatmeal. Only 4 hours had transpired. Next day my thoughts were clear and lively.
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