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OfflineKetamineKatalyst
Skyhighatrist
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Registered: 01/26/08
Posts: 1,647
Loc: Koma Kluster
Last seen: 13 years, 6 months
Re: Opening Paragraph of my Story [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #8554453 - 06/23/08 01:23 PM (15 years, 9 months ago)

I like it Penguarky, it definitely makes me wonder wtf is going on and what will ensue. Too stoned to give any constructive criticism right now, but who am I to judge anyways? My grammar and vocabulary is probably not on par with yours!

It'll be cool to read it when it's done.


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"Cosmic Love is absolutely ruthless and highly indifferent: it teaches its lessons whether you like/dislike them or not." John C. Lilly


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
f n o r d
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Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
Re: Opening Paragraph of my Story [Re: SneezingPenis]
    #8554730 - 06/23/08 03:06 PM (15 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

YawningAnus said:
we are just giving you opinions, not lambasting you.

I think you always need to keep poetry in mind when writing prose. some people find prose is license to prattle on... (not that you were)...

Quote:

A veiny, weathered woman's hand



right here you are using visual descriptions regarding the hand... now maybe you want the readers to know that it was a womans hand, but IMO that really isnt a visual description but more of a narrative slip.
I would have gone with:
"a veiny, weathered hand...."
or
"A veiny, yet feminine weathered hand..."

maybe worded so that feminine isnt ambiguously describing the hand or the quality of the weathering.

you have a good lexicon and proper use of it, and you have ability to impose your imagination upon others with words... just start reading your stuff out loud more and go through it once to see what can get the "directors cut".




A really do appreciate all the comments and I was joking about being lambasted.  :smile:

Good call on the "keeping poetry in mind" idea.  I'll definitely use that.


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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.

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