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Shop: PhytoExtractum Buy Bali Kratom Powder   Unfolding Nature Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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Anonymous #1

a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out
    #8492590 - 06/06/08 12:39 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

I know its not good but i'm shooting for decent lol. here's the rough draft of chapter one, I have more but i'm wondering at this point if you would read on or say fuck that garbage. pick one of those two responses please.

Chapter one

For all intensive purposes the following tale is useless. Why would I waste my time writing it all down then
you may ask. The truth is that I don't have an answer to this question. The next question you may have is, why
then should I waste my time reading it. Once again, I don't have a reasonable answer to this question.

If you are still with me I'm happy to continue. The events, if I may call them that, which occurred, or did not
occur over the past 4 weeks have entirely reformatted my being, as I relate to it. You may feel free at this
point to disregard that these events took place over the course of 4 weeks, as that has no bearing other than
to ground myself in the false reality which we, you, and formerly I are bound. To tell a story, I believe one has
to reference a common ground shared between the storyteller and reader.  This common ground of which I speak is the
very matter which constitutes our shared reality.  This reality, in my opinion, is merely a necessary figure of
our collective imaginations. One which allows us to interact, procreate, and, in essence, sustain our species.

As of this point, I am fully aware that this is to you, utter nonsense. Would you believe me if I were to tell YOU
that I know you? That I have been you? That I currently am you? If your answer to this question is yes, then go
ahead and put this book down, or better yet, deliver this book to someone who isn't as crazy as you. If your answer
is no, then you are who I am writing this for. By the time you finish this book, your answer will still be no, but
that is alright. I have already stated this book has no purpose, that is not my aim. However, I promise I will
drive your imagination to heights unknown to you, or give you a window into a fantasy, as pertains to your
definition of reality, beyond your imagination.

Let us consider dreams for a moment, as once again this serves my purpose of achieving common ground between us.
The very nature of dreams, is that they are woven of fibers we possess. As fantatistical as they may seem to us at
times, they are fully comprehendable by means which we already understand on some level. A dream is not a
fabrication of concepts or items, it is a reaagrangement and combination of those for a purpose. Depending on your
current subconscious state, the purpose of your dreams may or may not be of any importance to you. My goal here is
not to educate in basic theories of the dream, which has been covered as thorougly as a subjective theory can be to
date, by minds far beyond my own. What I wish for us to agree on is that a dream is merely a representation, or
misrepresentation if you will, of tangibles painting a meaningful, subjectively speaking of course, picture.

A dream is the closest concept with which I can draw upon to bring us to the level of taking a leap into a fantasy.
I hesitate, nay, refuse to call this which I am writing about "my" fantasy because with every fiber of my being
I do not believe that to be the case. Imagine a dream that is completly out of your own hands. A dream that could
be entered as you are, and left as more than you were. By more, I am not implying an inherent positive gain, but an
expansion of that which consitutes you. Would this be a dream? By my definition, no it would not. Anything that you
play an active role in, but have no control over, and you are changed within would have to be a reality, would it
not? If you don't believe so, what would your definition of a reality be? Now come up with your own term in your
mind to use as a label for that which I am speaking.

I feel that last thing I should point out before I begin my story, is that this reality is not my reality, nor will
it or could it ever be your reality. This is OUR reality in the true sense. What I mean by "the true sense" is a
baseline of energy. The force within which purely experiences. There is no thought, opinion, or grounds for
self-reference, only experience. I know that is a seemingly impossible concept to wrap your mind around, as I
couldn't imagine it myself five weeks ago. This is not a shortcoming, but an inevitability of being human. At this
point I implore you to take my word on this concept within the bounds of reading a story of fiction, Which, in the
end, is all this can be, correct?


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Anonymous #2

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8492638 - 06/06/08 12:54 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

wow, when, you write, you, use, a, lot, of commas, which, makes reading, your shitty chapter, more excrutiating, than, it, already, is.

All kidding aside, I'll be honest.  It's not very good and I wouldn't want to continue reading very much.  It's really a bunch of jibberish which makes it seem as though you are a pseudo-intellectual trying to sound "deep".

The poor grammitical quality (see: commas) makes it even worse.  Overall, there is probably a reason you work a minimum wage job and only call yourself a "writer" on the side.


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Anonymous #1

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #8492651 - 06/06/08 12:58 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

lol, it's supposed to be jibberish. And in the end is a 100 plus page suicide note written by a person with a mental disorder, if that clears anything up.


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Anonymous #3

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8492863 - 06/06/08 02:05 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

So, what's the basic premise of the story? That first chapter explains a lot about nothing (IMO) if the story is still unknown. I think the first chapter is the most important of any book, and if you don't grab the reader with your first few paragraphs, they will probably slip your book back on to the shelf and carry on.

That fact aside, it isn't terrible. There may be a few grammatical errors, but nothing really noticeable, and you use enough variation in language to keep the reader somewhat interested (again, you are in dire need of a compelling storyline to back it up).


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Anonymous #1

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #8492937 - 06/06/08 02:31 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

that was the basic point in asking if you could tolerate reading on or not, the story gets started in the second chapter. it's basically a snowballing story of some guys journey through his own head over a months time written from an increasingly manic and constant severe schizo-affective perspective.

I thought it was a fairly original good idea...I figured I would present the basic premise to anyone before reading it, seeing as I write for fun and only people I know would ever end up reading it. A crazy person doesn't explain themselves they just get on with the ranting.


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Anonymous #2

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8492949 - 06/06/08 02:36 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

it sucks.

Despite how "original" and cool you thik it is, it's still gibberish.  I know thats the point, I get it.  It sucks.  No one would want to read that.


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Anonymous #4

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8493028 - 06/06/08 02:56 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

I will be honest.  It is not good.  It's fluff.  I don't want to discourage you but you are a long way from producing something enjoyable to read.  I will try and be constructive.

Passages like these are not terribly meaningful to anyone but you:

A dream is the closest concept with which I can draw upon to bring us to the level of taking a leap into a fantasy.

I feel that last thing I should point out before I begin my story, is that this reality is not my reality, nor will
it or could it ever be your reality. This is OUR reality in the true sense. What I mean by "the true sense" is a
baseline of energy.


Anything that you play an active role in, but have no control over, and you are changed within would have to be a reality, would it
not?


As fantatistical as they may seem to us at times, they are fully comprehendable by means which we already understand on some level.

Fantatistical and comprehendable are not words.  And that's "for all intents and purposes," which is a grating cliche and should be avoided anyway.

It really rings with self-indulgence.  It's as if you believe we are willing and eager to bear with you until you are finished vomiting out these convoluted ideas.  Example:

I hesitate, nay, refuse to call this which I am writing about "my" fantasy because with every fiber of my being
I do not believe that to be the case.


Use fewer words to say what you are trying to say.

This paragraph in particular struck me as quite arrogant:

As of this point, I am fully aware that this is to you, utter nonsense. Would you believe me if I were to tell YOU
that I know you? That I have been you? That I currently am you? If your answer to this question is yes, then go
ahead and put this book down, or better yet, deliver this book to someone who isn't as crazy as you. If your answer
is no, then you are who I am writing this for. By the time you finish this book, your answer will still be no, but
that is alright. I have already stated this book has no purpose, that is not my aim. However, I promise I will
drive your imagination to heights unknown to you, or give you a window into a fantasy, as pertains to your
definition of reality, beyond your imagination.


Do not make the reader promises you can't keep. In fact, don't address the reader directly, it's not polite.  Don't involve me in your story.

It appears you have not read enough good writing to write something good.  Yet.  By all means continue writing, but pay attention to how the professionals do it.  They write with density.  They use as few words as possible.  They use the smallest word that does the job.  They can have you hooked in the first six words of a novel.  If any one sentence doesn't want to make me read the next one, I'm never gonna get through it. 

Read something by Hemingway, it will teach you how refreshing it is when the author keeps it simple.


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Anonymous #5

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #8493060 - 06/06/08 03:07 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

If you gave me that story to read I would glance at it and read it in the shitter (if there were no other options).

When I was done I would be pissed at you for wasting my quality shitting time reading that drivel.

:thumbdown:


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Anonymous #6

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8493064 - 06/06/08 03:08 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

-it's basically a snowballing story of some guys journey through his own head over a months time written from an increasingly manic and constant severe schizo-affective perspective.


That isn't a terrible idea but you need to delete everything you have just written and start from scratch again.  No more pseudo philosophizing, no more addressing the reader, no more meandering and tangent narration.  Now that all of that is out of your system  you can start over.

Your direction is all over the place and that makes it unreadable.  Nothing happens and that makes it uninteresting. 

If you want to philosophize write non fiction.


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Anonymous #7

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8493068 - 06/06/08 03:09 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

You need to catch the reader in the first ten pages.  Most people won't keep reading past the fifth page if they're not hooked. 

i.e. hook first chapter, not the second. 

also:

Quote:


For all intensive purposes the following tale is useless.




Okay, no reason for me to keep reading now.  Too bad that was your opener.


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Anonymous #8

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #8493092 - 06/06/08 03:16 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

You need a better hook, i stopped reading 2 sentences in.


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Anonymous #4

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8493112 - 06/06/08 03:19 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
that was the basic point in asking if you could tolerate reading on or not, the story gets started in the second chapter. 




That is a huge problem.  All stories need to begin at the beginning.  Nobody will read it.  I couldn't even tolerate one page.


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Anonymous #1

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #8493129 - 06/06/08 03:23 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

apparently you can't edit these posts, but i decided to take credit for my drivel, so continue further bashing in the pub, lol.


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Anonymous #9

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8493519 - 06/06/08 05:03 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

In the first five pages? You should capture the reader in the first five lines!

And you start it off with a discouragement:

Quote:

For all intensive purposes the following tale is useless. Why would I waste my time writing it all down then
you may ask. The truth is that I don't have an answer to this question. The next question you may have is, why
then should I waste my time reading it. Once again, I don't have a reasonable answer to this question.




It couldn't hold my attention, sorry.


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Anonymous #7

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #8493536 - 06/06/08 05:08 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
In the first five pages? You should capture the reader in the first five lines!




Of course the sooner the better.  But the point that I was getting at is that it's a fact that most editors will decide within five pages or less if they will accept a manuscript.  Just quoting an article I read on the topic.


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Anonymous #10

Re: a short story or book I am working on - depending on how it plays out [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8496699 - 06/07/08 04:24 PM (15 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
apparently you can't edit these posts, but i decided to take credit for my drivel, so continue further bashing in the pub, lol.




dont see it as bashing man
consider yourself blessed that everyone is being so candid in their criticism. dont be discouraged, keep writing and be sure to avoid the mistakes you've made.


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