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sam420
CertifiedReptilianOverlord



Registered: 01/14/05
Posts: 3,144
Loc: Scotland
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: b0b gnarley]
#8471221 - 06/01/08 02:03 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
This guy is waking down the street and he passes a guy going the other way who has an orange for a head, he thinks to himself that if he doesn’t ask why this guy has an orange for a head it will annoy him for ever, so he chases after this guy and says " ’scuse me for asking, but why have you got an orange for a head?"
"Well the gentleman replies, its a really funny story actually. One day i was walking through town minding my own business and this Genie pops up out of nowhere, and says i can have three wishes. So i thought about it for a while, and for my first wish i asked for £100 million, the genie then clicked his fingers and told me to go and check my bank account and then disappeared. So i went and checked it and low and behold there it was just over £100 million in my account, then the genie pops up again and says ’what is your 2nd wish?’ Not being a very big hit with the ladies I decided to ask for 10 women on call at any hour of the day to fulfil his every sexual need. "Done" says the genie and disappears into thin air, when i got home i was greeted by 10 beautiful women who immidiately ripped my clothes off and begin to pleasure me in ways i never imagined. Later on that day the genie pops once again and says "right, only one more wish left, what will it be?" realising this is my last wish, i thought long and hard and after 20 minutes of silence i said
"Can i have an orange for a head?"
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i'm a spy huntin rap dinosaur from the future
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b0b gnarley
Hold my beer and watch this!



Registered: 01/17/08
Posts: 3,246
Loc: The Bounds of Reality
Last seen: 15 years, 7 months
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: sam420]
#8471243 - 06/01/08 02:07 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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Wiccock_Sucker is buzzkill.
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jewunit
Brutal!

Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 34,264
Loc: Ohio
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: Gainer]
#8471247 - 06/01/08 02:08 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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What's the difference between a white Jew and a black Jew?
The black Jew sits in the back of the oven.
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Gainer
Syzurp



Registered: 10/20/04
Posts: 1,468
Loc: Ðirty §outh
Last seen: 1 month, 2 days
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: jewunit]
#8471251 - 06/01/08 02:10 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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-------------------- "I mean, it's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!" -Captain Murphy "Quit being a bitch and pill me up" -Dr. Quinn "Smoke that bitch" "I am not Stormy, I am He who smokes Bitches!" -Stormy
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jewunit
Brutal!

Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 34,264
Loc: Ohio
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: Gainer]
#8471269 - 06/01/08 02:15 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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(Sorry Wiccan, a couple gay jokes.)
Did you guys here about that gay couple that died during sex? I was sitting here wondering which one went to heaven first. My guess is the one on bottom because he already had his shit packed. (Works better as a conversation between two people. Good party joke.)
So this one time these two gay guys were showering together and going at it. Their dog starts barking so one says "Hold on, I gotta go let him in. Whatever you do, DO NOT cum without me. I mean it!" He lets the dog in and comes back to see cum EVERYWHERE. On the ground, walls, shower curtain, fucking everywhere. "I told you not to cum without me!" The other responds "I didn't, I just farted."
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Gainer
Syzurp



Registered: 10/20/04
Posts: 1,468
Loc: Ðirty §outh
Last seen: 1 month, 2 days
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: jewunit]
#8471317 - 06/01/08 02:26 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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These aren't that funny but one really tripped me out cause it happened to me.
"Someone asks you for a dime and you tell them you're out of herb"
Guy at a bar had a handful of change I wasn't paying attention to the change when he asked you got a solid quarter. I'm like nah but my friend over there has plenty of herb he might sell you a quarter. Guy says laughing nah man a quarter for the pool table.
Quote:
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STONER WHEN..... (45 reasons)
--Every story you tell begins with, "We were really high and..." --You buy your Visine (eye-drops) at a wholesale club --You're a Bob Marley fan and you don't even like reggae - Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you. --Someone asks you for a dime and you tell them you're out of herb --The High Times centerfold turns you on --Every vacation you wind up in Amsterdam or Jamaica --Your friends call you Smokey --Your parents call you Smokey --Smoking resi on a daily basis is essential to keep your bowl from getting clogged --Your cigarette gets way too heavy --You think everyone is staring at you and there's nobody in the room --All you want to do is drink & smoke & eat & smoke & chill & smoke... --Your room turns into your grow room --The lab technician testing your urine sample gets high off the fumes --Your best friend just happens to be your dealer --You vote Harry Browne for president --A friend without weed is a friend in need --Your bumper sticker reads "Honk for Hemp" --Someone finds a roach in your room, it's not a bad thing --Your bong becomes an extension of your arm --You went to a Hempfest --You can't remember the Hempfest --Your video collection consists of endless Cheech and Chong sequels --Your too phoned to stone home --Your creativity is only used when you have nothing to smoke out of --You can ask for weed in other languages --The mind is a terrible thing to waste, but you don't mind being wasted --Sorting out life's problems, the answer is always roll, lick and smoke --You want to have kids named Herb, Bud and MaryJane --You were born caucasian but all your friends assume you're Chinese --Your clothes are full of burnholes from dropped joints --You learn about the KGB in history class and all you can think about are green sticky buds --If an autobiography of your life was made into a movie, it would be called "Waiting to Inhale" --You own too many pairs of Birkenstocks --Breakfast consists of a spliff, some OJ, and a bowl packed with Fruity Pebbles --You smoke your screens and save your roaches --You clean out your car and smoke the shake you found on your car mats --You forget your friends' names --You forget your own name --Your motto in life is "Why ask Why? Just Get High" --You call people you don't even like to hang out with, just because you know they've got buds --You roll your blunts fatter than your 40oz --You begin hearing knocks at the door and CD skips that aren't there --You find yourself in the kitchen eating everything but Spam...then you eat the Spam AND THE FINAL REASON YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STONER... When you have to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
-------------------- "I mean, it's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!" -Captain Murphy "Quit being a bitch and pill me up" -Dr. Quinn "Smoke that bitch" "I am not Stormy, I am He who smokes Bitches!" -Stormy
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Ferris
PsychedelicJourneyman



Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 11,529
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: Gainer]
#8471633 - 06/01/08 04:22 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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This is what I hit on my one and only stumble for the day, I thought some of them were pretty funny, especially one of the last ones about the granny.
Quote:
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Obligitory source link
-------------------- Discuss Politics
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Coaster
Baʿal



Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 33,501
Loc: Deep in the Valley
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: Gainer]
#8471635 - 06/01/08 04:23 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Gainer said: My doctor told me to stay away from methamphetamine. So I bought a fifteen-foot straw.
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Prisoner#1
Even Dumber ThanAdvertized!


Registered: 01/22/03
Posts: 193,665
Loc: Pvt. Pubfag NutSuck
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: Asante]
#8471711 - 06/01/08 04:43 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Wiccan_Seeker said:
Quote:
Sorry for the racist one's I'd post some about white people to but I don't know any someone help me out.
What happened to the white guy that ran into a wall with an erection? -He broke his nose.
lets correct this real fast
"what's 12 inches long on a white man?" -not a damn thing
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Le_Canard
The Duk Abides


Registered: 05/16/03
Posts: 94,392
Loc: Earthfarm 1
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: Gainer]
#8471742 - 06/01/08 04:55 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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A bunch of gay guys are sitting in a hot tub when a big wad of cum floats to the surface. One of them giggles and asks "who farted"?
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Gainer
Syzurp



Registered: 10/20/04
Posts: 1,468
Loc: Ðirty §outh
Last seen: 1 month, 2 days
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: Le_Canard]
#8471950 - 06/01/08 06:02 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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Taken from erowid they have a page of funny quotes from their experience reports. http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp_humor1.shtml
Quote:
"My mother told me that she had to leave the room a couple of times b/c she could not help but laugh at the things I was doing or saying - which she figured to also be a side effect of her stress of me almost dying. Her favourite was when I stood on the bed, stripped naked and swooshed my hands over my body, yelling ‘and ALL of this for only $3.99!!" (Dimenhydrinate)
-------------------- "I mean, it's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!" -Captain Murphy "Quit being a bitch and pill me up" -Dr. Quinn "Smoke that bitch" "I am not Stormy, I am He who smokes Bitches!" -Stormy
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Ferris
PsychedelicJourneyman



Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 11,529
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: Gainer]
#8471978 - 06/01/08 06:12 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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That made my day.
-------------------- Discuss Politics
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hoopershroomer
Bonafide Oneironaut



Registered: 03/30/06
Posts: 1,704
Loc: WA
Last seen: 8 years, 3 months
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Re: Another joke thread. [Re: Ferris]
#8473139 - 06/01/08 11:33 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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a good one to say to a girl, on a date, at a party or whatever....
Why are pubic hairs curly?
because if they were strait they'd poke your eyes out!
-------------------- "Life lived in the absence of the psychedelic experience that primordial shamanism is based on is life trivialized, life denied, life enslaved to the ego." "You teach the world how to treat you, by showing the world how you treat yourself." A well developed sense of humor is far superior to any religion" "Everything you could want and could be, you already have and are."
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AtticusProphet
just a tool



Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1,065
Loc: within you and without yo...
Last seen: 13 years, 6 months
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what has 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a dog!
-------------------- There's just one small problem...
...and it's a big one!
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