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InvisibleRebelSteve33
Amateur Mycologist
Male

Registered: 05/28/02
Posts: 3,774
Loc: Arizona
Some Sappy Poems About Being Alone
    #816387 - 08/14/02 12:14 AM (14 years, 3 months ago)

by RebelSteve33

All I Really Want

Every night I go to sleep
in this same old bed,
with recurrent thoughts of loneliness
running through my head.
I only have my pillow
to wrap my arms around.
But I feel no warmth or comfort
from this lifeless mound.
My blankets cannot keep me warm
in this cold and empty bed.
I need a person next to me,
and then the warmth will spread.
A heartbeat beating next to mine,
a warm breath on my skin.
Someone to whisper in my ear
and fill the void within.
That's all I really want, you know,
is someone for me to hold.
Someone who will hug me tight
and keep away the cold.

Loneliness Gone, Loneliness Gained

A minute's departure,
and my seat is gone,
leaving nothing at all
for me to sit on.
At first I'm upset
with the theft of my chair,
but then I look over
and notice your stare.
With a smile you scoot
and make room for me,
I say a quick prayer
and then sit down with glee.
Our legs press together,
our bodies are close,
such a wonderful feeling
in such a large dose.
I could sit here forever
in this seat next to you,
this is just what I needed,
what I wanted to do.

But then, all too soon,
you get up and leave.
That this won't last forever
I can hardly believe.
A feeling of sadness
creeps over my soul.
This moment of comfort
has taken its toll.
Cuz now when I get up
and walk out the door,
I'm feeling more lonely
than ever before.

... Like I said; they're sappy!


--------------------
Namaste.


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InvisibleRebelSteve33
Amateur Mycologist
Male

Registered: 05/28/02
Posts: 3,774
Loc: Arizona
Re: Some Sappy Poems About Being Alone [Re: RebelSteve33]
    #830278 - 08/20/02 12:56 PM (14 years, 3 months ago)

*bump*

comments are greatly appreciated, whether good or bad.
you can't get better without constructive criticism.

here are my own comments on my poems:

1. i tried to use some good imagery and the warm/cold metaphor to really paint the picture of loneliness in the mind.

2. this poem describes a specific instance, but it can be analogous to something bigger. i'm sure a lot of people have experienced something similar to what this poem describes.


--------------------
Namaste.


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Offlineapatheticgoddess
carnivore

Registered: 08/15/02
Posts: 95
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
Re: Some Sappy Poems About Being Alone [Re: RebelSteve33]
    #830481 - 08/20/02 02:42 PM (14 years, 3 months ago)

i liked the second one best. they were both describing feelings of loneliness and being alone, but in the second one you had a story to illustrate that point, i think that's what made it more effective.


--------------------
this post is a work of fiction and is for entertainment purposes only.


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OfflineMuppet
Nomadic Jester
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Registered: 08/14/02
Posts: 28,785
Loc: (523) 327-2836
Last seen: 5 years, 10 months
Re: Some Sappy Poems About Being Alone [Re: RebelSteve33]
    #831699 - 08/21/02 12:37 AM (14 years, 3 months ago)

Well, seeing as you asked for it -
I personally liked the first one better myself. I think everyone's gone through exactly that at some point in their life. But it doesn't only describe a situation that practically everyone can relate to, it also depicts it in a completely non-biased fashion (e.g. there were no sexual specific refrences at all) And I think that those two points alone make it so it can be related to on a personal level by a wide range of people...which, in my mind, is what truely makes it so great. Rarely can you express something through poetry that can be interpreted in a million different ways by a million different people and still get the same exact message out to every single one of them...and I honestly believe that's exactly what you've done with that first one. It really is a true work of art as far as I'm concerned. And the best part about it is how you were able to fit so much meaning in such a few number of lines. This, I think, shows how much skill you really do have...and I think you should be proud of yourself. [/ass kissing]


--------------------


:craven:  Ravings of a Madman  :craven:


Edited by Muppet (08/21/02 12:39 AM)


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