I will start this post off by saying that i really appreciate everyone allowing me to offer help.
I wish to think it is time for me to get some now too.
Last saturday, my little brother 15, went to a party. He got really drunk and was brake dancing, where he almost died hitting his head on a metal furnishing.
This experience brought up the memory of an event that happened while on vacation about 9 years ago. It was a traumatizing event, really and i think i forgot about it because i buried it unconciously deep down into the bowels of my emotional body, as the way to cope with it. It seems like my parents did not know how much of an effect that had on me and didnt question my emotional stability.
My brother was about 6 or 7 years old. He was sitting on a one story roof watching some kids play soccer underneath them. I was watching him and playing the game, when i decided that it would be best for me to go up and get a glass of water for me to drink and maybe a bite of something to eat. I think i talked to someone about my brother, quite possibly my grandmother and she mentioned that he should get down right away. I looked out from the balcony and told him to get off, right away, in a hasty fearful voice. My brother turned his body and his foot he used to push himself up, missed the mark. He tumbled down one story smacking the hard ground. I'd thought he would surely be dead, as i saw that he was not moving, shocked i stood there and my father yelled at me saying "YOu were suppose to be watching him!!!". Basically that "YOu were the cause of him falling and at that moment....dieng."
I cried ceaselessly for an hour after. Literally dude. One straight fucking hour. The last view of my brother was in my fathers arms, looking like he was passing out and to my imagination and horrid...dying.
Well its been 9 years and he still able to use his body. And i begging to see that ever since then, i have always had an uneasy anxiety about life. I think it has to do with it floating around in my subconcious for so long. Sparking the idea of guilt in me and making for obtrusive fear of the feeling of guilt, as my mind tries to mitigate the pain of it, mentally and physically.
I know that i was not at fault for my brother collapsing from the ground. It seems like it was actuually the decision I had in front of me as the best one to make at the time, which is to blame for the incident.
I know this because my intentions were never for my brother to fall. So i must have just lacked the right stuff that would have made sure that he wouldnt have fallen.
Later i will add to this, sharing with you another part of this story and why i was left in a constant state of anxiety since then.
I will see you later. And peace to us all.
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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During that time, about one or two years ago, i began to believe that i had HIV/AIDS and worse, that i had transferred it over to my family.
It is quite a story because it starts in my grade 5 elementary school class. A girl i knew was doing a presentation on aids. She mentioned that AIDS began as a an outcome of two men rubbing their penises together. Low and behold, me and my cousin used to sexually give affection to each other, which started off as a way to try ot what my parents were doing and my cousin saying "I know". Rubbing our penises together and kissing. It was good fun up until 12 years of age. Well that day i was so shocked i cannot even recall it. I can see one memory and wow, i just put myself there and i had a flash back of the feeling....holy fuck. Thats one of the worst feelings ever.
So there i was, around 10 years old or so, thinking i had created and was the cause of my family getting AIDS. This happened a couple years before the incident with my brother.
And since then it has been really hard for me to feel ease and peaceful. I think these events left me to feel an unease towards, change and the future. Fear basically, for anything new that will happen. Anxiety like crazy. And i think i have not settled my past and they have become demons. I have this one thought that influences my life so much. It is a thought that says that something negative will happen soon and that if times are good - it is to good to be true and there is something waiting arond the bend that will anihilate my good feelings.
It is pretty rough handling this but i feel alot better right now righting this. I really love you all.
Let us experience peace.
PS. Any stories, advice, even if it just re-iterates something that has been said, is good. As many unique ideas as i can get are welcome.
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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