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 AnarchoTrip
Young Blood
 
Registered: 03/26/07
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 Yr Opinions, please 
#8062709 - 02/23/08 11:26 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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I've been noticing, more and more frequently, some of the after-effects of what I believe taking psychedelics and engaging in primitive activity has resulted in. This isn't to say that ALL people who drop acid are going to have the same psychological oddities that currently possess my mind--but I do want to blame my mindset and drugs on some interesting and repetative thoughts I've been having.
Mankind, in general, legitimately scares me. Occassionally, with specific people (both friends and strangers) certain people project an aura of evil--the same aura, I'd say, as what I've experienced while under the influences of psychoactive drugs. It's a rather frightening experience; it begins with me noticing the aura--it's not visible, just a general feeling or 'sixth-sense,' once I've recognized an 'evil aura' my imagination is plague with mental images depiciting these people in horrifying ways. They tend to resemble zombies, desperation is clearly visible in their eyes, and often snarley and gnashing their teeth. It honestly is a frightening experience; I don't believe I externally react to it, yet, but it's becoming more and more intense and haunting.
Another psychological experience I've been having is a personal one--it's as if I'm in a constant state of paranoia that I am a creep. I'm noticing minor social-phobia, thankfully not causing me to become a shut-in, but annoying enough to be encumbersome. As I described people in the previous paragraph, I feel that I am something similar to these demons. I can best describe it as an intense emotion of desperation--the feelings that I'm worried I, sometimes, possess. My phobia is irrational in that I don't consider myself desperate and I have no conscious memories of me acting in this sense. However, I reconsile my fear in the fact that I have no conscious memories--but I'm unaware of what I do unconsciously. In the same way that I've seen desperate men inappropriately assert themselves onto women--they are acting not fully conscious of their actions; rationalizing, lying and decieving themselves. I fear that I have, at some time, or that I will act inappropraitely unconsciously.
I suppose I should clarify what I mean by desperate. Man is desperate for things; commonly it is sex, money, attention, praise, etc. I, myself, do not consider myself a very desperate person (and many friends agree) but I'm still wary and afraid that I occassionally project this emotion of desperation. I haven't the slightest clue as to what I could be desperate for, but it's the same generalized emotion. Also, I have evidence supporting the idea that I could be doing this unconsciously in that I have created very good skills at rationalizing the controversial things that I do (e.g. snorting coke in my friends' room without their knowledge) into my permitting unconsciousness. It's a very annoying phobia, most recently plaguing me during intimate moments. Luckily, however, it's not socially or healithly distracting.
These irrational fears I've been getting are extremely annoying because, consciously and soberly, I honestly mean good-intentions to the world and mankind in general. It may be cheesy, but I really do feel that I have the capacity for so much love for the human race--friends and strangers--and I truely want to love and help my neighbors. So it really sucks when you want to act with love and feel that you're acting out of desperate hostility.
It's truely bizzare in how I view myself and my actions lately--and I'm not sure if it's just social conditioning or whether these feeligns really are true. General adjectives that often describe myself by my 'haunted imagination' are "ugly, desperate, disgusting, and inappropriate." Quite the self-image. Forive me, more clarification; those adjectives, I feel, are from my unconsciousness--consciously I honestly take myself as an attractive nice loving young man That unconsciousness frightens me though. I do love my neighbor and I will repeat that every day of my life if I need to remind these phantoms.
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YIPPIE!
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DimensionX
King of Birds
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Maybe you have some kind of guilt deep down. Like you recognize that humans can be fiends, and as a human that means part of you is one. But at the same time, you basically are a good person, and want to continue being one. So you feel a kind of guilt between these two sides of yourself. Also it could be just a fear of becoming what you hate.
Edited by DimensionX (02/23/08 11:56 PM)
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 MushmanTheManic
Stranger
Registered: 04/21/05
Posts: 4,587
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Yeah... LSD always makes me over-zealously psycho-analyze everyone's behavior, including my own. My brain normally tries to figure out the reasons for people's behavior, but this process is usually running in the "background" of my cognition and not brought to my attention. When I'm on LSD it seems like I'm overwhelmingly conscious of this process and it is on overdrive. Sometimes it is interesting and insightful and sometimes it turns me into a paranoid nutcase.
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backfromthedead
Activated
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'Mankind, in general, legitimately scares me.'
Yes sir.
Animals.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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So you are beginning to learn.
This is a normal reaction to ones first glimpses outside the cultural box. Most will quickly retreat back into the shell. But IMO you are at the edge and looking down the rabbit hole. It's your decision (maybe) what to do now.
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"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.
" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.
With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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backfromthedead
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 Re: Yr Opinions, please [Re: Icelander]
#8064037 - 02/24/08 11:16 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Mushrooms revealed the most negative in the world and I.
Both though.
One.
The knowledge of good and evil means something to me.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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And what does it mean?
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"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.
" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.
With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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backfromthedead
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Re: Yr Opinions, please [Re: Icelander]
#8064317 - 02/24/08 12:25 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Something like GRRRR...
In you at the deepest level.
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AnarchoTrip
Young Blood
Registered: 03/26/07
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Last seen: 14 years, 6 months
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or, for me, more like AHHHH...in you at the deepest level.
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YIPPIE!
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Quote:
backfromthedead said:
Something like GRRRR...
In you at the deepest level.
It's all there waiting to be explored. Understanding and accepting is the only way such powerful forces can be controlled IMO. Otherwise they are a time bomb.
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"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.
" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.
With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group
Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,441
Loc: Under the C
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Quote:
Something like GRRRR...
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
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Re: Yr Opinions, please [Re: Icelander]
#8064654 - 02/24/08 01:55 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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I agree. Being able to handle the darkest parts of yourself begins with accepting that it's in you and that it doesn't make you a "bad" person to have these places or even to explore these places. Once you can accept it and let go of the shame and fear you can explore it more or less safely and come to understand the relationship the dark places have with the rest of the self. I find this kind of hard to explain, does that make sense?
Acceptance preceeds letting-go.
But for the record, laying off the coke might help you gain a sense of groundedness.
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backfromthedead
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Re: Yr Opinions, please [Re: Icelander]
#8064655 - 02/24/08 01:55 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Understanding and accepting what is the question.
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RedRainDrop
LucidPsychonaught
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Re: Yr Opinions, please [Re: NiamhNyx]
#8064685 - 02/24/08 02:05 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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I know what your talking about... and those senses in my experience seem to be right most of the time....
Aura is something i think to be a real energy, as well as spirit. psychedelics teach us we are not separate from nature, but rather a result, and that all living things are working together, to keep us alive.
Yin and yang are a very real thing.... dont think your going crazy... most people just dont understand spirituality.
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Fact: Saving the environment can take centuries
A blow job can take up to 5 minutes.
"When was the last time you heard green peace talk about the immense pleasure you get when you put your penis in someone Else's mouth? " -jonlajoie
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BrainChemistry
Captain Obvious
Registered: 06/19/07
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Loc: Mountains of N. America 
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
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Quote:
These irrational fears I've been getting are extremely annoying because, consciously and soberly, I honestly mean good-intentions to the world and mankind in general. It may be cheesy, but I really do feel that I have the capacity for so much love for the human race--friends and strangers--and I truely want to love and help my neighbors. So it really sucks when you want to act with love and feel that you're acting out of desperate hostility.
You want to be a good person to others, a good friend, and someone who people look to for care and love. But the problem is, your brain is distracted by these "fears". If you know anyone who has the type of character that is always pleasant, smiling, and generally kind, it is because that is simply the way their psyche is built. They don't experience any paranoia or fear.
I'm sure when you're in private, the fear is much less? And you think about how you want to treat/behave around other people? I know this because I went through a very similar experience, and I believe I am finally recovering. Its no good to constantly worry yourself. The only thing that results in is you being unsociable, which in turn results in unhappiness.
When our brains are distracted by other thoughts, you can't really behave in the way you want to. Its a hard thing to do, but you have to train your brain to eliminate these unpleasant thoughts. Tell yourself, "These thoughts aren't necessary to my person. I am in control of my own mind." Even if you just focus on making your mind completely blank, it will be a step in the right direction.
If you feel you have the capacity for love and affection for others, than think of that. Think of what you can do for others to help them, and show that you care. Listen to what people are saying and try to be their friend. The fact that you experience these "auras" around people is completely in your mind. No person is naturally evil...well, most people. But every person is a fellow human, a brother, who deserves respect and attention just like you.
I hope this helps, and we'll keep discussing.
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Word to your mom.
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xFrockx
Registered: 09/17/06
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I went through a very paranoid phase after my first mushroom experience like you're talking about, but I reasoned through it. You must realize that when thinking about the characteristics of people and your world that you are not observing them for themselves, but rather, you are observing the effects of other people and the world on yourself.
To make this more clear, I'll user an example from Descartes. Consider the sun. When you look at the small yellow orb in the sky every day you do not consider it to actually be a small yellow orb. Rather, because of your knowledge of astronomy you recognize that the sun is a massive celestial body. The sun observed by your senses is not only deceiving, but also wrong. Instead, your external knowledge takes over. In the sun's case, you take this knowledge from astronomy, which has been passed on to you from those who actually study the field.
For the sake of explanation, lets say that you believe the sun really is a small ball of yellow light because of a science that you were taught to be fact. Like your conceptions about the public after your drug experiences, your conceptions about the sun are only based in your perception, they are not direct observations.
What I'm getting at here is that you have had your perceptions altered by an incredibly mind-shaking experience. It is not surprising that this experience has changed how you view the world around you, but you must realize the truth of the matter. The world is not any more or less evil now than the day you took LSD, it is only your perception that has changed. Over time you will find that the world may seem less evil to you as this experience fades, and remember these words then, as they will make much more sense than now. What you should now take from them is the knowledge that the world really isn't good, or evil, its only the world, and you can look at it any way you please.
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AnarchoTrip
Young Blood
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Re: Yr Opinions, please [Re: xFrockx]
#8066044 - 02/24/08 08:05 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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I'm not suggesting that, after experiencing psychedelics, I believe there to be more evil in the world than previously; you're completely right, it's all my perception that's different. I've seen some sides of folks and now I feel like it's haunting me and even changing my opinion about others/myself.
Also, thanks for whoever brought up the coke thing, after first experiencing these things, I have been engaging in even further "socially-looked-down-upon" activites and my best example is cocaine. I fear that a lot of this is me picking up from social stigmatism--cocaine use is usually criticised in society, and even though I've never become violent, raped someone, jumped out of a window, etc etc, I still feel stigmatized against, therefore making me feel less and less "good." It's irritating that I recognize this, and still feel it.
I'm sure, as long as I don't become obsessive, I'll work my way through it. Every time I "see" one of those demons in someone I remind myself that they're really not intrinsically evil (and same for myself). Just keep reminding myself of love and it'll all be okay.
thanks for the feedback, however. It's been refreshing to let this out to an understanding communitiy.
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YIPPIE!
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haroldmeeks
Stranger
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N
GIOY
LIE
F
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appleorange
Rainbow Technician
Registered: 12/30/07
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Loc: Reykjavík
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?
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haroldmeeks
Stranger
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well... obey the speed limit +-4 knots_
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EternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
Registered: 04/04/05
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welcome to my ignore list
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
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It's also possible that you are not seeing the 'demons' of other people, but rather projecting your own on them. I can't tell you if this is really what's happening, but it's at least a possibility worth exploring. Just ask yourself honestly if this might be at least partially accurate, no shame or judgement necessary. It also seems highly possible that you're getting bad vibes from people who know you're on coke. Coke makes decent people act like arrogant dickbags, so a lot of people are predisposed to be resentful and annoyed by anyone giving off a coke vibe, whether or not they're actually doing anything innapropriate.
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EternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
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Re: Yr Opinions, please [Re: NiamhNyx]
#8066230 - 02/24/08 08:44 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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I went through a similar thing after one of my mushroom trips.. I thought I could see evil in people. I don't really know what to make of it. Maybe I was so humbled that everyone else seemed like a monster.
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BrainChemistry
Captain Obvious
Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 3,657
Loc: Mountains of N. America
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
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Sounds like your gonna be OK man. Just remember, the first step in making a change is recognizing the problem and having the desire to fix it. I think you've got all that. 
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Word to your mom.
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