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viedub
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Registered: 06/12/04
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Beginning of this story im writing
#8047363 - 02/20/08 01:39 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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So i've been reading a certain unmentionable book lately, and it's inspired me to start a little writing of my own. I did this all within an hour last night at like 4am, and I'm not sure where I'm gonna go with it, so take it with a grain of salt i guess...
Up into the sky I looked with tired eyes and a mind so confused and poisoned with vodka, that I would be falling over if I wasn't already lying on the ground. The grass and leaves itched my back and arms enough to make me curse whatever fucking desire I had to get so stinking drunk, so drunk that I had to lie down and busy myself with counting the stars that made up the big dipper. Maybe it was the fact that I just lost my job, maybe it was the fact that my car had been stolen a few nights before, who knows, but it sure wasn't the fact that I hadn't been cross eyed wasted in the last 2 days. I lit another cigarette and began to mumble something about fiscal responsibility when Josh ever so slightly toed me in the ribs to get my attention.
"Hey man, don't get too comfy here we still gotta go back to your place and pick that new batch of mushrooms..." What a fantastic human being I'd become; growing mushrooms, running out on a $117 bar tab, getting fired from a renowned studio for stealing recording gear... Most people I knew grew up wanting to be CEO's of big companies, or actors, or restauranteurs, or some bullshit like that. A restauranter - what a load of shit. If I were one of those guys in my situation, I'd probably be wondering where the hell I went wrong, where I lost track, where things got hard or confusing and I just gave up... but I wasn't them, and I sure as hell wasn't thinking that because I knew I had been this way all along. One time when I was 14 I got in trouble at school when the counsellor came in and asked all of us what we wanted to do when grew up. "A fireman!" some kid said. "A pop star!" said some little whore. I think she turned out to be a stripper or something, what a bitch she was. When he got around to me I hadn't really thought of anything so I told him I wanted to be a high school guidance counsellor. He wasn't too thrilled about that. Truth was, I had no idea what I wanted to be. I didn't even really want to be one of those day-dreamy idealists who floats around for a decade or so like I probably would, because they all ended up working for banks or being a computer programmer or something else lame.
I guess that's what happens when you don't have a plan, things go to shit, and rightly so. I felt pretty rotten for cursing those greedy bastards that I went to kindergarten with for turning out to be accountants and businessmen, yet who was I to judge; I was one drink away from lying in a pool of my own urine and vomit. I heard Josh's footsteps in the corner of my ear as he stumbled in the direction of my apartment and I decided to get up and follow him; for we had fungus to harvest, and it was going to be a long night. There we walked down the dimly lit street like a couple of rejects from a Larry Clark movie, drunk on Smirnoff and youthful optimism... yeah right. It was going to be a long night.
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WhiskeyClone
Not here


Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Re: Beginning of this story im writing [Re: viedub]
#8047839 - 02/20/08 03:32 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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My opinion: Don't seek feedback this early. Keep writing until you have a draft.
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d


Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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Re: Beginning of this story im writing [Re: viedub]
#8049225 - 02/20/08 08:57 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Stop using the passive voice. And read some Bukowski.
-------------------- Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
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theorganicdomino
Psychedelic ZenBuddhist



Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 1,855
Loc: Here & Now
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Re: Beginning of this story im writing [Re: viedub]
#8050517 - 02/21/08 05:08 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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One of the key lessons of creative writing:
"Don't tell, SHOW!"
Illustrate what's going on with your character through action and characterisation - proclamations of feelings are wearisome and lazy.
Have your character's behaviour and mode of speech indicate where he's at emotionally.
-------------------- "You've got to get hold of the thread of marching time, pull the fuck thing down, get on the end of it and pang yourself to the infinitude of absolute mind" Ken Campbell - Furtive Nudist "The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced" - Aart van der Leeuw
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WhiskeyClone
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Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Quote:
theorganicdomino said: "Don't tell, SHOW!"
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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viedub
Stranger

Registered: 06/12/04
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Last seen: 15 years, 3 months
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Re: Beginning of this story im writing [Re: WhiskeyClone]
#8052058 - 02/21/08 02:07 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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All good, thank you
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Boots
Disenchanted


Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 1,137
Loc: Northwood, Ohio, U.S.A.
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Re: Beginning of this story im writing [Re: viedub]
#8058499 - 02/22/08 09:35 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Definitely a bit too introspective on behalf of the narrator.
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viedub
Stranger

Registered: 06/12/04
Posts: 38
Last seen: 15 years, 3 months
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Re: Beginning of this story im writing [Re: Boots]
#8065058 - 02/24/08 04:10 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Fair enough, but keep in mind wherever i go with it, that was just an intro. I didn't really wanna jump into everything and not have some background on anything, especially the protagonist
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Boots
Disenchanted


Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 1,137
Loc: Northwood, Ohio, U.S.A.
Last seen: 15 years, 2 months
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Re: Beginning of this story im writing [Re: viedub]
#8067748 - 02/25/08 06:33 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Come to think of it, it reminds me of the narration used by those grumpy detectives.
"Maybe it was the smell of whiskey on my breath that did it, but she certainly was no stranger to danger" lol
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