Okay, there is a long story to capture where I've gone and what I've done in an attempt to find myself - peace - happiness, but I'll spare everyone of that, because I'm sure most others are just as long. This journey, however, has taken a big toll on me recently.
But there is an issue with my thinking that plagues me every second of every day. It gets in the way of everything I do. It causes headaches, prevents sleep, cuts any task short, causes forgetfulness, and actually physically 'hurts' me. This is a kind of thought that just says "SHIT" and assumes everything is wrong. There's a rush of blood to the head and I actually find myself losing balance and concentration. It occurs anywhere, doing anything, and makes me an extremely uptight person. Recently, it has gotten a lot worse, as I injured my head falling several times, and the symptoms it causes are more apparent. ie. the loss of balance and 'dystrophy'.
I do not understand the origin of this thought. It will be amplified by the presence of others. In fact, the presence of others at all is a serious problem for me - I have come to realise. Though having a positive outlook on life (it's not that difficult) and feeling very upbeat about what my personality appears to be, the presence of other people is 'painful', especially crowds or open areas. I believe this problem with people is related to a childhood involving significant mistreatment, which created many layers of psychological defenses which were simply beat upon constantly by the movement of my life, thus snowballing the original problems.
However, this 'shock' reaction that keeps coming alive - ALL THE TIME - as if it were part of a thought pattern, is what really worries me. It is self-destructive, having absolutely no survival value, and it is both voluntary and involuntary (I can trigger it, but it often triggers itself). What the hell is it doing there?
It will destroy beautiful things, just for the sake of seeing if they can be destroyed - by this I mean beautiful states of mind, beautiful states of sleep and social harmony. It's as if there's suspicion of everything failing so I cause it to fail anyway - but this is not quite a reflection of my thoughts. It seems to standalone - I don't work my way to it.
It's so serious that I feel tension under my nose or around my eye or on my forehead when it comes - like there is just a ridiculous amount of blood slamming into the brain.
What the hell? There are no immediate physiological issues. I'm booked in to have a CT scan done to check brain integrity after my injuries (I've already had one which checked out okay). But this problem was there before the injuries - I simply wasn't so aware of it, because the injuries coincided with the destruction of a few illusions.
Could it be something like a psychotic symptomatology, caused by repressed memories and emotions? Is anyone here familiar with Stanislav Grof? His work on 'basic perinatal matrices' which reflect our birth experience and our attempts to come to terms with it has been of extreme interest to me - especially considering I have relived some birth experiences in sleep and continue to do so (when able to sleep). The repression of childhood experiences may also be a huge factor - as when I had a panic attack in a crowd mid last year I actually relived some of this experience - I even regressed my age, very briefly. I have the feeling, though, that I have worked through the childhood experiences and may be deep in the perinatal matrices. This is all I have to throw at the situation...
What can we add to this? What ought I do? Psychiatrist? Anti-psychotics and anti-depressants for breathing space? LSD, mushrooms - anything to break defenses and open the mind up?
I'm prepared for a very long discussion about this and would be happy to go into my 'learning experiences' which might be of a peculiar interest, and maybe reflect my psychological make-up...
Cheers!
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Wherever the hero may wander, whatever he may do, he is ever in the presence of his own essence — for he has the perfected eye to see. There is no separateness. Thus, just as the way of social participation may lead in the end to a realization of the All in the individual, so that of exile brings the hero to the Self in all. joseph campbell For, behold, the kingdom of God is within you. jesus
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Are you in good shape? It may not solve the problem, but exercise could help a lot with the symptoms. If you do a lot of sprinting, high intensity exercises, your body will be better prepared to deal with bursts of stress, and as a result your anxieties and panic attacks shouldn't be as taxing on the body.
I have lots of experience using herbs for anxiety, if you want some recommendations please PM me.
I know there are other folks here who can address your psychological issues better than I so I'll end my post here. I hope you get better soon.
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