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mycould
Stranger

Registered: 01/22/08
Posts: 83
Loc: Somewhere over the Rainbo...
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help is the hardest thing to ask for...
#8020916 - 02/14/08 02:03 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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sorry if this makes no sense... ive sat and deliberated on the best way to say this for so long that ive decided its best to just start typing... i recently worked for my dad, and was living with my girlfriend... about two months ago i got my girlfriend pregnant. I've never considered myself a very religious person by any means, but after i found out she was pregnant i literally begged "god" to let her have a mis carriage, which she unfortunately did. Around the same time she had the mis carriage i started stealing money from my dads company. The way i was stealing i could never get caught and never did get caught... eventually i woke up and realized how wrong i was in doing what i was doing... but found that i couldnt resist the temptation of having an almost endless supply of money... i realized that i needed to quit my job so i did. I started to grow ever more disgusted for stealing, and i also felt responsible for another living being not being here, so i had to leave my girlfriend and move back in with my mom to try and salvage myself. Ive been living with my mom for about a month now, and ive gone from being hi almost every waking moment and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, to not smoking anything for this last month. Physically i feel better than i have in a long time, but emotionally i feel like a roller coaster. Ive still yet to find a new job and my mom is starting to get irritated. I still have not completely dealt with how i feel about these things ive done and wished, and im starting to feel like more of a burden everyday. I've noticed that i have an increasing amount of talks with myself and im wondering if im losing my mind. I've also had so many suicidal thoughts im starting to believe that i want to die. I dont want to relieve myself of all my burdens b/c my burdens arent that big, but i feel that in ending myself i will release everyone else from the burden of me. I do not always feel this way but ive found that i slip into little "fits" of depression and i am worried that one time i will get carried away with one of these. I've tried talking to a shrink in the past and found it to be an extreme waste of time and money. I've also been prescribed to anti depressents but i dont believe i could stand myself if i needed to be dependent on a substance to be happy, so ive never gotten the prescription filled. Its extremely hard for me to ask for anything i cant provide for myself, so this is an extremely difficult situation i find myself in. Does anyone have any advice or am i just a waste of time?
-------------------- Whether you believe you can or believe you cant, either way you're probably right.
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JoseLibrado
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Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 569
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: help is the hardest thing to ask for... [Re: mycould]
#8022588 - 02/14/08 02:09 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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hahahaha. You funny little fucker, it sounds like you have the same problems i got.
WE ARE FEELING BAD ABOUT OURSELVES!!!
WHY???
Its so simple that it gets complicated.....
Feeling like you are a burden, comes first from concluding you are the burden.
A burden, Like any type of PAin, definatly has a source. IE/ If you walk through a patch of poison IVY, the ITCH, being a burden, came from the source; WALKING through a patch of poison IVY.
SO to sum this up - Burning Itch=BURDEN
Cause of Burden= walking through a patch of frozen ivy.
Cause of walking through the patch = LACK OF KNOWLEDGE THAT IT WOULD MAKE A BURDEN, EITHER FOR YOU OR FOR OTHERS.
PROBLEM: IF you NEVER intended CAUSE a BURDEN for anyone, including yourself.
There exists a fundemantal truth that comes from this about life;
IT TAKES MORE THAN A DECISION, TO GET WHAT WE WANT OUT OF ANY SITUATION.
So think about how it took more than the decision to have sex with your girlfriend, that caused the pregnancy.
In this situation you LACKED knowledge that would have made you stop what you were doing, so that you could not get her pregnant.
So the cause of what happened with your girlfriend, gather from the fact that you surely feel that pregnancy was BAD - must be something external to you.
AND IT WAS!! It was simply a lack of knowledge that you were going to get her pregnant that made her pregant. Just work Backwards from the fact that your decisions in everyday things, are not the deciding factors to whether or not you get what you want.
Showing us that crucial Truth!
If it takes more than a decision on our behalf, to get what we want.
Then it is logical to say that getting what we want, takes more than a decision.
Since this is true - it must mean that a decision to get something - has the crucial element of what you HAVE TO get IT.
IE/ You can decide to buy a car or not intend to get your girl-friend pregnant but since it takes more than a decision to get these things in the future, then it must only mean that WE did not HAVE what it takes to get what we want...as in we would not be able to buy a car, without MONEY and We would not be able to make sure that our girlfriends stay BABY-LESS, Without the knowledge that our ACTIONS during the sex, will get her pregnant.
SO What this comes down to then?
- It comes down to two things, complex and difficult to maintain in the mind.
1. It is Impossible for our decisions to get us what we want, all the time.
AND SOOOOO
2. 'GETTING WHAT WE WANT' is decided by something more than our intention and decision to get it.
Therefore, IF it takes more than our decision to get what we want and we find that we are getting what we do not want....
The only possible thing left to do is - GET what we do not have, by improving our abilities, challenging ourselves to improve what abilities and knowledge we have, increasing them until they become the stuff it takes, to get the stuff we WANT!!!
SO right now your feeling really bad about yourself, because you think you are the CAUSE OF BEING A BURDEN TO PEOPLE AND YOURSELF, but you surely did not EVER one DAy, get up in the moring and SAY "I WANT to GET my girlfriend pregnant, i want to be addicted to stealing money."
Showing me that you, LIKE ME, are missing something that would allow you to achieve what you WANT. Such as, a better quality of life for you and for others!!!
Every person is like this.
Mistakes are a natural part of the process of life, where we learn and are invigorated to achieve what we Fail at.
Ying and Yang.
Add me to MSN - We can chatt about this Im pretty depressed right now too, it would be nice. Socca_freak12@hotmail.com
Love and peace to you and to all!
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: help is the hardest thing to ask for... [Re: mycould]
#8022968 - 02/14/08 03:55 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Continue to talk with yourself.
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JoseLibrado
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Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 569
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: help is the hardest thing to ask for... [Re: MOTH]
#8023166 - 02/14/08 04:39 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Oh and try not to talk much with yourself. Try to use thought that doesnt involve words, when you decide what beliefs make you feel again!!!
PEace to you and to all
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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mushbaby
woodswalker




Registered: 09/30/06
Posts: 2,645
Loc: in my own lil world
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Re: help is the hardest thing to ask for... [Re: JoseLibrado]
#8028008 - 02/15/08 04:20 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Women aren't the only ones who suffer when there's a miscarriage. That guilt (especially since you really didn't want a kid) can really cause problems in all different areas of your life.
Not being mean here, but the reason you feel like a burden is you currently are a burden. But you don't have to stay that way. Maybe start small, a part time job, any kind of job. Get out of that house. Maybe take the anti-depressants. Don't have to take them forever.
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mycould
Stranger

Registered: 01/22/08
Posts: 83
Loc: Somewhere over the Rainbo...
Last seen: 14 years, 2 months
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Re: help is the hardest thing to ask for... [Re: mushbaby]
#8029972 - 02/16/08 01:56 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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i realize i am a burden... and i have no intention to be. Ive applied to sooo many different places looking for work, and three times now ive had to ask my parents for money for gas to look for jobs and i cant find anything... its driving me crazy and i honestly feel there is nothing i can do about it
-------------------- Whether you believe you can or believe you cant, either way you're probably right.
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mushbaby
woodswalker




Registered: 09/30/06
Posts: 2,645
Loc: in my own lil world
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Re: help is the hardest thing to ask for... [Re: mycould]
#8030273 - 02/16/08 06:46 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Well since you are trying, give yourself a break. That's what parents are for, helping us. As long as you are trying to help yourself they should understand.
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JoseLibrado
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Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 569
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: help is the hardest thing to ask for... [Re: mushbaby]
#8032318 - 02/16/08 07:14 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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A burden is something you dont intend on being.
Have you recognized that if you did not intend on being a burden, you are beating yourself up for something that you NEVER intended on being.
Examples of things that you never intended on being
- Heterosexual, a persons you gets fear from things, like death, whatever body and sking color you have.
Utlimatly these are all things that you didnt intend on being, so just focus on changing them because since you didnt decide yourself to have these things it had nothing to do with you, unless you think you are....circumstance....happening...chance....hahah. No i didnt mean circumcized hahah, i meant if you think you are circumstance.
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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mycould
Stranger


Registered: 01/22/08
Posts: 83
Loc: Somewhere over the Rainbo...
Last seen: 14 years, 2 months
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Re: help is the hardest thing to ask for... [Re: JoseLibrado]
#8036464 - 02/18/08 01:54 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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i really do appreciate your feed back and concern, but i hate needing help it makes me feel stupid like no one else needs help why the fuck do i? But i finally got a job at pac sun woot. I just cant quiet my own head. If i sit down and meditate i can but without concentrating on it it goes a mile a minute. I think i am developing schizophrenia but it just hasnt progressed to the point that im seein people that arent there. Its like i have a million different inputs in my head and i listen to them in almost every situation possible. I need to stop thinking soo much but i just cant make it all shut up. Example being that ive belonged to this forum for about a month or so and i literally am lookin at shit on here alll the time, but i have no posts and its not that i care about how many posts i have or anything, but i read what people are talking about and i have so much that i want to say but my head takes on so many different view points that it all gets jumbled and i cant decide on what i wanna say or how i wanna say it. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.... by the way i would love to chat with you jose but i only have aim my sn is mycoolhood if you got it and still wanna talk... again your effort and especially your time is greatly appreciated and its nice to know that someone gives somewhat of a fuck.
-------------------- Whether you believe you can or believe you cant, either way you're probably right.
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JoseLibrado
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Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 569
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: help is the hardest thing to ask for... [Re: mycould]
#8040211 - 02/18/08 09:18 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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check out the post on help, it will give you something that is not already in that brain you have or you are?
And if you are the brain, why is it that it can be watched? Watched is a verb, as is subject is to playing, as playing. Its there i think.
My time has been purely given through a means of desire, there is really nothing to thank me for because you are thanking me for my feelings then and to my feelings i only attribute truth as the cause of them. So thank the truth i guesse, cuz thats the only reason i feel the way i do, which gives me the motivation to help.
man yesterday was the craziest day of my life things are changing to quickly now it can be amazing or terrifying, depending of the present beliefs running throught the mind.
Aim. I dont have AIM. I must aquire it, would you like to use emails?
What is your email?
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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mycould
Stranger


Registered: 01/22/08
Posts: 83
Loc: Somewhere over the Rainbo...
Last seen: 14 years, 2 months
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Re: help is the hardest thing to ask for... [Re: JoseLibrado]
#8041341 - 02/19/08 01:14 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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mhood@fuse.net
-------------------- Whether you believe you can or believe you cant, either way you're probably right.
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