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InvisibleFerris
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Extended Loner Phase
    #8018337 - 02/13/08 04:21 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

I can't really explain why, but at the moment I'm going through this marathon of sticking to myself, shunning social situations in favor of solitude. It's mostly intentional, to be used as a method of coping with the changes in my maturity that I see as neccesary for me to succeed.

The deal is though, I've made a few attempts lately to get back to normal and make some new friends, but I find myself reluctant to follow through. I went on a couple dates with this real smart, good looking woman and then I just stopped returning her calls. I can't even explain why. I guess I've gotten to used to relying on myself now. I don't want to feel as if I need other people, since that is some sort of sign of weekness, but I do need them.

I've always been a quasi-loner, mostly cycling between an extended group of friends I never cared about and then back to the core one or two best friends. Now I lack that support network and I find that I'm in a pretty deep rut.

Mentally, I'm fine, but I'm going to have to change this soon. I don't need advice on how to find friends, I can do that easily enough. I just want to know your thoughts on psychological dependency on the loner lifestyle.

Thanks for reading this long post, just typing it helps in some small way already.


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Invisibleappleorange
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Re: Extended Loner Phase [Re: Ferris]
    #8018862 - 02/13/08 06:39 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Some of us are happy alone; some of us are happy around others.

People who are happy alone, need to be with others sometimes; people who are happy with others, need to be alone sometimes.

haha, hope you liked my little zen poem there.

:hippie:


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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: Extended Loner Phase [Re: Ferris]
    #8018992 - 02/13/08 07:12 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

I fluctuate between being very introverted and very extroverted. Sometimes I'll spend a lot of quality time alone and then I'll have weeks of being super social as often as possible. If you're comfortable and happy, then cool. If you really would rather be social but there's something holding you back, it would be a good idea to try and dig around inside of yourself to identify what it is. Maybe you have a fear or insecurity you aren't fully aware of, and identifying it may help you dissolve it so that you can persue friendships more actively. Do you assume that friends will inevitably let you down? Does being alone all the time make you feel heroic or in control? These are just some ideas. I hope they help.


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OfflineGinseng1
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Re: Extended Loner Phase [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #8019540 - 02/13/08 08:43 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Do you feel sad and lonely? It sounds like you are fine being alone, but if it's starting to eat you up... then you gotta do something about it.

Do you have any buddies that you can just call up and hang out any given day? If you are feeling like you've spent too much time in the dungeon, call them up and go out for a beer and some laughs.

I have frends that I see 3-6 months at a time. But everytime we hang it's good times. I like that.. having friends that you almost never see and everytime you get together it's just nice catch up convos and stuff.


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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Re: Extended Loner Phase [Re: Ferris]
    #8026568 - 02/15/08 10:26 AM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Ferris said:

Mentally, I'm fine, but I'm going to have to change this soon. I don't need advice on how to find friends, I can do that easily enough. I just want to know your thoughts on psychological dependency on the loner lifestyle.






I think you hit it on the head when you used the word dependency. I do the same thing, and it's usually motivated by a desire for comfort and security. I know I can rely on my own company; with others it's never a sure thing.


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Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:


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InvisibleFerris
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Re: Extended Loner Phase [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #8027257 - 02/15/08 01:09 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

NiamhNyx said:

Do you assume that friends will inevitably let you down? Does being alone all the time make you feel heroic or in control? These are just some ideas. I hope they help.




Upon introspection, it probably has to do with the fact that I was raised by a single mother who was always working, so I took care of my siblings and I. I left home at a very young age.

So you might say I simply rely on myself too a flaw.

Also, I have a very high standard for my ego, which means it's either very high, or just normal, which is not enough. When I hold other people to my standards of maturity, they rarely ever meet it.

I'm aware of these errors in my judgement and try to avoid them at all costs, but that doesn't keep me from doing what I feel is comfortable.


Quote:

Ginseng1 said:
Do you feel sad and lonely? It sounds like you are fine being alone, but if it's starting to eat you up... then you gotta do something about it.




I'm neither sad nor lonely, but I do feel a need to be normal, to fit in more. When I put it like that however, it sounds like "selling out." What I need is to find a comfortable compromise, or like in the past, find people that share a lot of my views, which can be rare, but I've always done so in the past somehow.


Quote:

Ginseng1 said:
Do you have any buddies that you can just call up and hang out any given day? If you are feeling like you've spent too much time in the dungeon, call them up and go out for a beer and some laughs.




Ya, I do have friends, both where I live now, and old friends that live far away now. The friends I have now just lack dimension, interactions feel meaningless.

I'd like to be able to be objective enough to know whether the people are the same and I've just somehow become too esoteric for normal interaction, or if something is indeed wrong. My fear is that I'll discover it is the latter.

I've been socializing like crazy lately under the premise that I am the problem and I've been forcing myself to have fun, which has actually helped a little. I hope it'll be the boost that is necessary to where everything will just come naturally as it used to.

The other possibility is that I'm getting old and boring prematurly, which is something that might not be that bad, but I won't lay down and die just yet. (I am only 21 by the way).


Quote:

WhiskeyClone said:
I think you hit it on the head when you used the word dependency. I do the same thing, and it's usually motivated by a desire for comfort and security. I know I can rely on my own company; with others it's never a sure thing.




I used that word very deliberately. It's become such a way of life, I've forgotten any other way. I agree with you fully and see I'm not alone here.

Anyone else going through this situation, take some comfort in knowing that I don't think this way of acting isn't normal, it is at the most a minority opinion on the many ways life can be lived. The only reason I desire to change now is that I know how many ways there is to live life and how short life can be. For these reasons, I'd like to live life as many different and hopefully unique ways as possible.

I don't think many would be on the Shroomery if they didn't have some desire for the original. Although hardly anybody ever truly acheives this goal, it by no means hurts to try.


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