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Anonymous #1
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Growing apart from friends
#8005759 - 02/10/08 06:11 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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So lately people have been saying I've changed a lot. Upon further introspection, I've found it to be true.
I'm hard to hold a conversation with, because I don't enjoy small-talk, and I more or less stopped pretending to care about it.
My girlfriend who I love deeply is growing apart from me as well. It sucks more than anything in the world. That fact that my best friends are slipping away from me means I have no one to talk to about it, so I've just been extremely depressed for the past few weeks.
Every smile I have is either faked, or just a short-lived relief from how I've feeling deep down.
It's been a really shitty month for me... I've tried to talk to my girlfriend about it, and she honestly doesn't care about what I have to say anymore. She's become desensitized to it almost... The only people I can actually talk to, is my brother, and two of my friends, who don't go out of their way to talk to me about it. I feel as though no one cares about me.
But you have to understand, me and her have been dating for over 3 years, and I love her to death. I've never loved anyone as much as I've lover her. Seeing her drift away from me is just as painful as when one of my close friends died a while ago.
So my question is, do you think I should make an effort to win these people back? Or is change something that should be followed, rather than friends?
I'm giving up tripping for a while until I sort all this out, it's really getting to my social life, I can tell.
I've been thinking maybe I'll vent to one of my friends that I don't have too strong of a bond with, and see where that takes me. I dunno...
Any advice?
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Thin White Duke
Stranger
Registered: 10/20/04
Posts: 51,530
Loc:
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8005785 - 02/10/08 06:15 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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If it's making you feel bad, then make the effort to try and get things to how they used to be.
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Drewwyann
Slayer of ticks
Registered: 10/30/06
Posts: 4,077
Loc: Atlantis
Last seen: 10 years, 5 months
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. nevermind, just ended up being bad advice.
-------------------- Anyone need a glass pipe? : http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002435158931 Love powerfully
Edited by Drewwyann (02/10/08 06:30 PM)
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appleorange
Rainbow Technician
Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 4,868
Loc: Reykjavík
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: Drewwyann]
#8005872 - 02/10/08 06:33 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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what about you has changed? has it been a good change or a bad one?
not enjoying small-talk is a bad thing. the people who put it down are the ones who are unable to do it.
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Anonymous #1
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any suggestions on how to start hanging out with them more? How to break the 'we haven't hung out in a while, and this is kind of awkward' ice?
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: appleorange]
#8005883 - 02/10/08 06:35 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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whats changed about me, is that it's very hard for me to talk to people.
I can't show that I care about what they are saying anymore, and I never have any input to give back. I just sort of hear what they are saying, and say the first thing that comes to mind and hope they like it.
So negative. I'm losing all of my friends essentially.
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appleorange
Rainbow Technician
Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 4,868
Loc: Reykjavík
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8005902 - 02/10/08 06:38 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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do you still like your friends?
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Cubie
Moderator
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: appleorange]
#8005908 - 02/10/08 06:41 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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It sucks growing apart from eachother but it happens and you can't change it.
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Thin White Duke
Stranger
Registered: 10/20/04
Posts: 51,530
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8005910 - 02/10/08 06:41 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: any suggestions on how to start hanging out with them more? How to break the 'we haven't hung out in a while, and this is kind of awkward' ice?
Eh... truth be told, I'm kinda going through the same thing. Not quite as bad as you. I used to hang out with my friends every week, but for some reason I just haven't seen them since October. And what with going to Australia for two years I think it's safe to say I'll probably never hang out with them again.
Am I bothered? No. I'm looking forward to meeting new people.
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Cubie
Moderator
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: appleorange]
#8005914 - 02/10/08 06:42 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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It sucks growing apart from eachother but it happens and you can't change it. Because by the time you notice its too late.
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appleorange
Rainbow Technician
Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 4,868
Loc: Reykjavík
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yea. since I graduated from high school, i've been losing my friends too. i work, go to school, people change, some friends od, some go to jail, some people moved.
that's life I guess
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: appleorange]
#8005929 - 02/10/08 06:45 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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I love my friends.
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Cubie
Moderator
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: appleorange]
#8005942 - 02/10/08 06:49 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
appleorange said: yea. since I graduated from high school, i've been losing my friends too. i work, go to school, people change, some friends od, some go to jail, some people moved.
that's life I guess
Yup. This fact of life everyone learns eventuley
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appleorange
Rainbow Technician
Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 4,868
Loc: Reykjavík
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8005948 - 02/10/08 06:50 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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you need to ellaborate a little bit better as to how you have changed.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: appleorange]
#8006016 - 02/10/08 07:04 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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thats just the thing. Other than it being hard for me to hold a conversation with some one, I don't know how I've changed.
I've even asked on of my friends how they think I've changed, and they said "I can't explain it. you just have".
It sucks so badly because my two best friends, and the person I love more than anything are all leaving me at the same time. If it was one of them at a time, over time, it would be so much easier, but it has to be all at once.
But one of my friends even talked to my girlfriend about how strange I've been acting lately, which makes me feel even worse.
It just really, really sucks. All three of them at the same time.
So, sorry I can't explain how I'm acting different. Social awkwardness is all I can really chalk it up to.
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EternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 7,152
Loc: Time and Space
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8006129 - 02/10/08 07:31 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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to me, it sounds like you've changed your perception as a result of tripping and it's put you a little too far outside your comfort zone (or your friends) perhaps? i think it is wise to take a break for a while. give it some time, this will sort itself out
i'm not going to say "cut your losses" or anything like that because i went through a similar phase and i'm still good friends with most of my old friends.
Quote:
Or is change something that should be followed, rather than friends?
that is really only something you can answer, it is up to you to decide where your priorities are at
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Cubie
Moderator
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Don't worry buddy you'll make new friends. If your current friends cannot accept you how you are..then maybe their the ones who changed.
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BrainChemistry
Captain Obvious
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Posts: 3,657
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: Cubie]
#8006273 - 02/10/08 08:01 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Ever since I tripped for the first time, I started thinking about myself and my relationships more. It definitely made me feel more socially awkward. Before I started tripping I would never second guess my actions or my words, but now that I'm a little more self-conscious I do. There are some days when I'm happy with myself and my life, and I'm like whatever. Other times I wonder what I'm doing and think about how strange I actually am. I find that on those kinds of days, I speak much less and feel more tired. The best thing I can do is remember that I am just a simple person like everyone else, and my thoughts matter just as much as theirs.
If someone is talking to you and you don't have much to say, just say you're sorry and you're a little bit distracted. They might even ask if something is bothering you and give you a chance to open up a bit. Otherwise, just ask yourself what your opinion is on whatever the person is saying, and whatever you think of just say it. Most people are too wrapped up in their own thoughts to think about what you're thinking, as long as you say something that makes sense and keeps the conversation going it'll be fine. I often find myself listening to people talk a lot, and asking them questions. I don't really start too many conversations. But as I've recently found out, a lot of people like that quality about me. They think I'm interested in them and just being friendly. Thats not a bad thing at all.
Also for me, before I go to sleep I try to think about what I'm going to be doing the next day, who I might be meeting with, etc. It helps keep me focused and not drift into meaningless thoughts.
-------------------- Word to your mom.
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JoseLibrado
return
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The question I see you have to answere here is.
"DO I want people to like me for the types of experiences i can bring them, as a free agent of truth or would i rather act like something i do not freely want to be, only to be liked for my act"
Simply put - "Do i want friends to like me, free and true or do i want friend to like my act, constricted and limited"
With any relationship its the same thing - My cuzin gave me an interesting metaphor when she came to me one day to talk about her pain.
The person said "Jay...Im sick of feeling like i have to act all the time, its like walking on thin ice, feeling pressured not to fall through."
She built this relationship with this guy, on a act of some sort, thinking that it was her new self. Eventually she realized that it couldnt happen anymore, but the fear of not finding other people who will care for her freely, had her crawling back onto that pond with thin ice. Eventually she will circle back tho...we all do. It takes time to learn about new ideas and more importantly it takes perseverence to follow and live them.!!
From personal experience it is easier and easier, but the first steps are fucking HARD...cuz on the one hand you have this clear understanding about reality, but on the other you have these FEELINGS of fear and insecurity that stop you from seeing the truth.
We always give it what he have...so in any case, what has happened in the past and will happen in the future, WAS what was HAD to happen to us, because it was all we HAD to make it occur.
May we find peace once again!
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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OneMoreRobot3021
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 61,024
Loc: the sky
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8007092 - 02/10/08 11:26 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Who you gonna be? The you you want to be, the you you feel you really are, or the person everybody's used to? It's hard being who you are sometimes, when other people expect certain things from you. But if they are really, truly your FRIENDS...they'll love you. Just be yourself. Do whatever feels right. Don't ever compromise your essence for the expectations of others. Ever.
-------------------- Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake. -Erik Davis
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Tangerines
Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 17,918
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Quote:
OneMoreRobot3021 said: Who you gonna be? The you you want to be, the you you feel you really are, or the person everybody's used to? It's hard being who you are sometimes, when other people expect certain things from you. But if they are really, truly your FRIENDS...they'll love you. Just be yourself. Do whatever feels right. Don't ever compromise your essence for the expectations of others. Ever.
You are a wise man. I hope to meet you at NE gathering if I can make it.
I have been goin through similar shit and you just made more sense than I have ever been able to.
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SurReality
PsychAdemic
Registered: 12/21/06
Posts: 11,808
Loc: Colorado, USA
Last seen: 1 year, 8 months
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this is something everyone must experience in an interesting happy ALWAYS CHANGING LIFE. Realizing that you're losing relationships can be very lonesome, but all relationships are built around some mutual interest... in 1st grade you socialize with your gender, because at such a younge age theres not much you can relate to but gender and naivity(sp?). So in highschool you find a hobby, sport, or HABIT... I (semi-regretfully) based my friendships around my habit. Im sure many can relate to this riged shady path here... so now i've been getting very bored, and unsatisfied with getting high as my priority number one. I'm trying to manage my habits so they don't get in the way of whats important, so now I've realized i can't keep my stoner buddies around me if I'm trying to take getting high off my priorities. this sorta sucks, but there really is no other way to socialize with someone you always smoke with other than smoking so now im sorta just an anti-social, and i really find it difficult to make a friend who i am interested in. I, finally after 18 years of life lessons, realize how important it is to select friends that you are truly interested in. Because if your with your friends alot, you will be influenced by how they socialize. So now I'm sorta dumping my friends who just care about their next high, and hoping to find people with dreams, goals, and aspirations to discuss rather than their new fat hook-up. This has been sorta of a lonely time, although its not like i just ignore my old friends - i do blaze it with em occasionally, but no more cutting class to burn or searching all day for a bag whats great is that no is really hurt about it at all, so i've realized its more of a 'misery loves company' companionship to stay high but the less heads the more high...
so whether your friends are slipping from you, or you from your friends. Take a look at the mutual interest in the relationship, maybe you will find its for the better and learn to recognize the potential interest in your future friendships. I feel once i learn to filter friends in that i'm interested in, i won't ever be bored as long as i'm socializing with them. (but at times i feel like my filter is clogged or defective when i just can't find the right words in my mind to throw out to snag a good friend)
eh i've been up for about 40 hrs, I hope this doesnt seem like a rant... fuck its still the tweekend
-------------------- ProDOPEFiend Diary: (my public diary) PodCast
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WhiskeyClone
Not here
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Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8008475 - 02/11/08 11:47 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: I love my friends.
Then reach out to them. That's love. Don't leave it up to everyone else. Call them even if you don't feel comfortable with it. Do things for them. There is nothing more powerful than an unexpected act of love or thoughtfulness.
Engaging small talk is not that bad, and it has great benefits. Deep and meaningful social interaction can only happen once people warm up to each other a bit. Sometimes it takes the form of inane banter... so what? Don't resent this entry-level chatter; not every conversation can be poignant. It is more important to keep your friends close than to take a stand against silly social customs.
If you don't reach out to people in your life, you will lose them all.
To love is to act, not to feel.
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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RonaldFuckingPaul
Our Dear Leader
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: WhiskeyClone]
#8010765 - 02/11/08 08:29 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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You're not alone broham. I pretty much have no friends anymore. I stopped answering my calls. Most of my "true" friends are off to college. Tripping in my opinion has changed me for the better. I feel like I see reality without the "filter" everyone else seems to have leading me to not be able to relate to most people. I feel like most relationships are completely superficial and are for the most part(except for family & true friends) just there in an evolutionary sense to jerk off your ego and reafirm the illusion of this "reality". yadda mean? Then again..I've always kind of been a loner..maybe this is just what I am and I should get used to it..It's not so bad mang
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pong
kretan
Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 4,311
Loc: west coast
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Quote:
BrainChemistry said: Ever since I tripped for the first time, I started thinking about myself and my relationships more. It definitely made me feel more socially awkward.
anybody else feel less socially awkward from tripping. i have never been thinking more about my relation to the rest of the world and i have never been less awkward. just because you feel awkward doesn't mean you are, and some people who dont think they are really are unbearable. keep thinking man about your relations and i suspect you will find some answers and become 100% confident.
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Rustifer
prestige worldwide
Registered: 04/10/05
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Loc: Central Texas
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people change I don't hang out with any of the people I hung out with in high school, and broke up with my girlfriend from that era too.
I tried sticking to all of those people for too long and it made me very unhappy.
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Cubie
Moderator
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: Rustifer]
#8012201 - 02/12/08 06:46 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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After I started tripping I cared less about the rest of the world and started looking inward to my self.
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WhiskeyClone
Not here
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Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: pong] 1
#8012216 - 02/12/08 06:53 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
pong said:
anybody else feel less socially awkward from tripping. i have never been thinking more about my relation to the rest of the world and i have never been less awkward.
Me too. Tripping always renews my compassion for everybody else. If psychedelic use made me more and more alienated from everyone else, I'd stop using them.
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: WhiskeyClone]
#8012264 - 02/12/08 07:26 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Tripping definitely eases social anxiety for me.
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mentalIMAGE
21st Century Schizoid Man
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: MOTH]
#8012583 - 02/12/08 09:42 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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I feel what you mean, regarding friendships and whatnot.
I find that the friendships I have right now are incredibly special, and going somewhere good. We each have our own indiviual dreams, such as finishing school, finding a career path we could enjoy, but also we have a "group" goal, and I find that this is really what solidifies our friendships. It's not always about getting stoned, however when we do get stoned we come up with some great, fun, positive plans and ideas.
For instance, we all decided we were going to save our money for the summer, buy a van or two, and take a road trip to B.C. or something. We all love being outside and seeing new places, so we figured this would be a great way to really potentiate our own individual dreams and desires, and would also be a great experience to open us up.
The plans have been laid out and we're already saving.
I highly suggest that, if you do find some friends who will accept you for who you are, to develop something, whether it be an idea to travel or even just go on a psychedelic camping trip outside the city. All these experiences are great for bonding.
May your path be lit for as long as you walk.
-------------------- We are always acting on what has just finished happening. It happened at least 1/30th of a second ago. We think we're in the present, but we aren't. The present we know is only a movie of the past. Ken Kesey
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PDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Re: Growing apart from friends [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8017662 - 02/13/08 01:26 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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I do not think you should chase your lost ties.
Same thing has happened with me for similar reasons. - Breaking up with girlfriend of near 3 years because we have different interests and very few things to share aside from coffee shops, thriftstores, innane gossip or movie watching.
Plus my goroup of friends are all moving in a totally different direction than i want for myself. Some are popping out kids, others are struggling to manage their lives, and yet others just want to leach off their parents..
Really, the details are unimportant - What im saying is... I've been unhappy with my social group and relationship for quite some time, and since i've chosen to break away - I have never felt so good (in my adult life.)
Accordingly, ive bought myself the freedom to dart off to South America soon and im hoping to begin a whole new chapter of my life filled with intention, direction, healthy ways and meaningful relationships.
Why back track - Move Forward!
(didn't read whole thread, just the first post.)
-------------------- GO OUTSIDE.
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kake
The answer to1984 is 1776.
Registered: 05/06/99
Posts: 2,782
Loc: The 66th harmonic
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Quote:
OneMoreRobot3021 said: Who you gonna be? The you you want to be, the you you feel you really are, or the person everybody's used to? It's hard being who you are sometimes, when other people expect certain things from you. But if they are really, truly your FRIENDS...they'll love you. Just be yourself. Do whatever feels right. Don't ever compromise your essence for the expectations of others. Ever.
i dedicate this to the ops of irc
-------------------- The answer to 1984 is 1776.
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