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Anonymous #1

How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back?
    #7985977 - 02/06/08 09:29 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I just found out that someone close to me has been talking and spreading shit about me to my friends. Airing dirty laundry and trying to make me look bad to make himself look better.

I'm so fucking disgusted. I want to confront him about it. I found out because I found a PM written by him that he dumbly left open on the computer. Maybe he wanted me to know.

He likes to tear people down to make himself feel better. The worst type of slime. And he pulls examples from past behavior of mine (I used to be crazy) to throw it in my face in the present moment, even when I've worked SO FUCKING HARD to change who I am and to grow, he doesn't see it, he only sees the crazy times and he doesn't accept that I am different now. He points out TO THIS DAY stuff that happened five and six years ago and then brings it up whenever it would be most advantageous. How is that fair? I can never recover in his eyes. NEVER.

It makes me absolutely sick. I am starting to see him for who he really is. It isn't pretty. He is a subtle oppressor. He doesn't even realize that what he's doing is hurtful. He just says, "I'm sorry, BUT...." and goes on and on.

But I have to love him anyway. I have to get out. I feel more betrayed by him every day (and really stupid that I could have gotten into this situation) and my resentment is mounting.

rant off/.

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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7985994 - 02/06/08 09:34 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back?




I would interrupt any form of contact with them, without any explanations. :shrug:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7986013 - 02/06/08 09:39 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

MushroomTrip said:
Quote:

How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back?




I would interrupt any form of contact with them, without any explanations. :shrug:




Yup.  Cut him loose.  What do you need someone like that for?


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Offlineofzeroconcern
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #7986017 - 02/06/08 09:40 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Sever all attachment.
Sever all contact.
Cover the entire thing with apathy syrup.


--------------------
"Who can see the future? Those who create it."

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Anonymous #1

Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7986092 - 02/06/08 10:06 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I just want to know why he brings up my sordid past again and again, why he can't see me as who I am now.  :frown:  I mean, I know I'm not perfect and I may even be guilty of the same thing that I am pissed at him about right now but I feel like he is vindictive with the way that he uses such sensitive information.  It's hard to explain.  I feel like I am just always stuck in that time period with him, like he will never see me as anything other then fucked up and crazy and he always brings it up during intense conversations, especially when he's trying to prove a point against me in discussion. 

The PM I found was just him telling my friends the same thing he says to me when he wants to prove a point, referring to my fucked up past.

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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7986099 - 02/06/08 10:09 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
I just want to know why he brings up my sordid past again and again, why he can't see me as who I am now.




Probably because he's an asshole.

As long as you keep him in your life, you keep his shitty behavior in your life. It's your choice, not his.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Anonymous #1

Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #7986149 - 02/06/08 10:28 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

The problem is that I feel like I owe him something!  I really was fucked up back then and he took care of me.  In a way he's still taking care of me!  A friend suggested I cut all ties, on all levels of my being.  I know how to do this but I am nervous to.  I still have feelings for him in a way, even though I know we are not healthy for one another.  I just am scared I guess.  I know he posts on the shroomery more lately so that's why I made this post anonymous.  He doesn't come in this forum anyway, I don't think. 

I know that to move on with my life I have to terminate my relationship with him.  It's just hard, because a part of me still feels that attachment to him very strongly even though I know I must move on. 
:frown:

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InvisibleHuehuecoyotl
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7986202 - 02/06/08 10:53 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

You don't have to associate with people who do not promote your health and well being, BUT that being said...quit wasting energy on self importance. Anger is merely an energy sink. Being offended accomplishes nothing. Just move on without looking back. You don't owe anyone anything no matter what. Just because something has been a certain way in the past does not mean that it cannot change. You only owe it to yourself to be healthy and happy.


--------------------
"A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda

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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7986204 - 02/06/08 10:56 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Yes, that's one more reason to end everything.
If you will occupy your mind with thoughts like these, then you will find it very difficult to end the relationship with him. So just stop these thoughts and focus on what's important to you. It is very hard to keep a mental balance when you're around a person like that, and this is exactly what's keeping you back.
Just think that you are entitled to be happy and find someone to share your happiness with and who appreciates you for who you are. But more than anything you owe this to yourself, you need to rediscover who you are and how to feel good with yourself.
Think about these matters as much as possible and reflect upon them, it will be easier for you to end everything.
I'm wishing you all the best. :heart:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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OfflineQuerjek
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7986222 - 02/06/08 11:04 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

How old are you, and how long have you known this person?

I've been through similar (-ish) things (mostly the other guy thinking that I was trying to backstab him because he has severe trust issues; I wasn't at all trying to harm him), but I've moved past that all and while he still believes that he's an extremely self-righteous person (and therefore extremely selfish), I've got better things to do with my life. Hope that makes any sense (a tad convoluted I know, but I think I had a point somewhere in there...)

:smile:


--------------------
tripping eyes and flooded lungs
northern downpour sends its love

Edited by Querjek (02/06/08 11:04 AM)

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Anonymous #1

Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: Querjek]
    #7986262 - 02/06/08 11:15 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I'm in my mid-twenties and I've known this person for about twelve years.

Hue and MushroomTrip; thank you for your words. I am taking them to heart. I like what Hue said: that I only owe it to myself to be healthy and happy, and that's it. Isn't that the truth! Thanks man. And MT, thanks for pointing out that the type of thinking I was employing was not serving me. Time to start generating the thoughts that do...

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Offlinehpi
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: ofzeroconcern]
    #7990381 - 02/07/08 02:37 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

ofzeroconcern said:
Sever all attachment.
Sever all contact.
Cover the entire thing with apathy syrup.




Sever all major arteries.

It keep him quiet forever.


--------------------
Tohu Tehom Theli Than Leviathan Tanin'iver Taninsam!
Tohu Tehom Theli Than Leviathan Tanin'iver Taninsam!


There exists one lie that is the absolute worst. A lie that has successfully infiltrated many of the Western governments. This lie is Christianity, and it must be fought in every way, shape and form. Burn the churches and kill the priests. The abomination that is Christianity must be wiped from this Earth.





4-Methyl-Aminorex

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Offlinebeneath
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7990471 - 02/07/08 03:22 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

give me an address, I'll have my boys come over with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.

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OfflineDivinatory
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7990871 - 02/07/08 09:19 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I've had many of the same problems throughout my life. Before I dealt with it I just tried to look the other way and keep things as they were. Unfortunately, this really dragged me down over time.

Now, I've kinda "woken up" in life and have a new way of dealing with these issues. I simply cut all connections with the person and focus on the things that make me happy. It's hard at first completely erasing them from your life, but over time you become accustomed to being without them and you start realizing how much you're better off without all of that negative energy, which in turn makes you much happier, less stressed, and more peaceful.

I say drop him, drop him completely and resist your urges to take him back. It will greatly benefit you in the long run.

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InvisiblePoid
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7991682 - 02/07/08 01:17 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
I just found out that someone close to me has been talking and spreading shit about me to my friends. Airing dirty laundry and trying to make me look bad to make himself look better.

I'm so fucking disgusted. I want to confront him about it. I found out because I found a PM written by him that he dumbly left open on the computer. Maybe he wanted me to know.

He likes to tear people down to make himself feel better. The worst type of slime. And he pulls examples from past behavior of mine (I used to be crazy) to throw it in my face in the present moment, even when I've worked SO FUCKING HARD to change who I am and to grow, he doesn't see it, he only sees the crazy times and he doesn't accept that I am different now. He points out TO THIS DAY stuff that happened five and six years ago and then brings it up whenever it would be most advantageous. How is that fair? I can never recover in his eyes. NEVER.

It makes me absolutely sick. I am starting to see him for who he really is. It isn't pretty. He is a subtle oppressor. He doesn't even realize that what he's doing is hurtful. He just says, "I'm sorry, BUT...." and goes on and on.

But I have to love him anyway. I have to get out. I feel more betrayed by him every day (and really stupid that I could have gotten into this situation) and my resentment is mounting.

rant off/.




When I found out that my best friend was talking shit about me, I fought him. Maybe you should kick his ass or something.


--------------------
Well I try my best to be just like I am, but everybody wants you to be just like them. --  Bob Dylan
fireworks_god said:
It's one thing to simply enjoy a style of life that one enjoys, but it's another thing altogether to refer to another person's choice as "wrong" or to rationalize their behavior as being pathological or resulting from some sort of inadequacy or failing so as to create a sense of superiority or separation as yet another projection of a personal fear or control issue.

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Offlineenotake2
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7992954 - 02/07/08 06:14 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I reckon it sounds like this person has severe personality issues - as in a personality disorder - like borderline or psychopathy. I had someone the same in my life not too long ago - spreading garbage about me. If so, the person who said trust is the issue is right and these people can't experience empathy. It's funny - when they criticise people, because they have stuff all empathy and so don't understand you - all their criticisms are projections - ie sound suspiciously like the criticisms are about them!- the things they dislike about/are true of - themselves. The guy is emotionally abusing you. One type of behaviour that can be an expression of emotional abuse is hurting that is disguised as helping. He may be saying he is trying to help you by bringing up your past mental health issues, but since these issues are in the past and this is constant - it is actually a way of bringing down your self-esteem. I found reading about personality disorders and emotional abuse really helped me to contexualise and understand my situation. I also read about early signs to look out for that someone may be an abuser and that has helped me to prevent other abusive types entering my life. It is a matter of being willing to filter out people early before your life gets entangled with theirs. Here are some early warning signs:
* feeling stupid around the person
* jealousy (on their part)
* when the person criticises others, they don't talk about others as though they are human
* victim blaming
* 'just world beliefs' - the belief that bad things happen to people because they deserve it, and good things to people who deserve it. These beliefs can be applied to anything from poverty, mental illness, unemployment, the innocent party in a car accident! their own victims while they are abusing them, and any other negative event, and can be the cause of victim blaming.
* manipulation - there is an inverse relationship between manipulation and empathy, because if someone lacks empathy they are more able to bully their way to get what they want. Empathy is the basis of morality, so this is a bad sign.
*charm - this is on the continuum of manipulation. Not all charming people are manipulators but it is something to be wary and careful of til you know the person is alright. Look out for other signs listed here.
* very intense involvement early in a romantic relationship or friendship.
* risk taking, promiscuity, a lot of drug abuse.
* poor personal boundaries and difficulty respecting the boundaries of other people when they set them.
All these things are matters of degrees and there will be exceptions but if you see a combination of the above or a pattern emerging - I'd be pretty wary. And then run.

I recommend looking up info on the internet on 'cluster B' personality disorders (most people who have one will qualify for others in the B cluster - the distinctions between the four are a bit arbitrary - this guy might fit a few of them) and also psychopathy. Also I'd look up info on emotional abuse.
I have a book on borderline personality for people who are not borderline but are involved with someone who is and it has a whole chapter titled "lies, rumours and accusations: distortion campaigns". It recommends this strategy - if you care about the opinion of a person the abuser has been talking to:

*act calm, composed and in control no matter how upset you feel.
* validate the othe person's concerns before explaining the facts. eg. say that if the rumors had been true, it would be a very serious matter.
* Do not disparage the abuser. Instead eg. sincerely express your concern for them, or acknowledge your confusion about why the person would say such a thing, etc
*realise you can't control what other people think about you. Say what you need to and then let it go.

It's also important to recognise that people see what you see - this guy probably acts like a dickhead around other people or he eventually will and treat them the same way. So if they can't see his words for what they are now, they probably will eventually, and if they never see it, or won't give you the time of day to explain yourself and listen to you - then they were never worth being friends with anyway.

I recommend saying to yourself "I trust myself" and love yourself. Also, listen to your feelings and act on them to make yourself feel better. Also, maintain your own integrity while you are dealing with the situation, you don't want to give him ammo or open yourself to suspicion from people that his lies are true - and for your feelings about yourself as well, of course. It sounds like you are taking steps towards this already and I send you love and wish you the best of luck.


--------------------
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium

"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.

Edited by enotake2 (02/09/08 04:22 AM)

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OfflineCMACD
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: enotake2]
    #7998537 - 02/08/08 11:23 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I don't do anything because

A. I have no self-esteem

B. I'm a fuckup and it's going on way too often for me to try and manage it all. Oh fuck, hopefully one of these days I'll just get the guts to kill myself. :smile::crazy:


--------------------






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OfflineManianFH
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7999037 - 02/09/08 02:27 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Get out, asap... You don't need that shit in your life. There is a WORLD FULL of people who are so super cool that you would never miss that guy ever again. Fuck him, forget about him, get out of that situation ASAP, and get on with your life!


1000th post WOO-HOO!!!! (I had to do it :grin:)


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: How do you react when you find out someone has been talking shit behind your back? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7999062 - 02/09/08 02:47 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

My best friend in highschool did the same thing to me so I just cut her out and started hanging out with other people who were a definite step up. It was the best decision ever.

You deserve way better. Trust yourself.

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