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Offlinedmtryptamine
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Registered: 09/21/06
Posts: 52
Loc: Pennsylvania (Pittsburgh)
Last seen: 1 year, 1 month
Writing
    #7994088 - 02/07/08 09:46 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

I wrote this article, and i was wondering if anyone could review, and give a critique?

Here is a link:
http://www.helium.com/tm/847177/relatives-begin-there-always


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We have got to realize that we are being conditioned on a mass scale, start challenging this corporate slave state!


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Offlinebodhiman777
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Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 69
Loc: Adirondacks
Last seen: 15 years, 7 months
Re: Writing [Re: dmtryptamine]
    #7994281 - 02/07/08 10:42 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

it's filled with too much unneeded language.
cut it in half, take a machete to it. pull out unnecessary words like
'basically''s
'simply put's
'prove to be's.
stick to your points, they get lost in your thick paragraphs

Quote:

dmtryptamine said:
The best way, simply put, is to plan ahead for the inevitable, so as to avoid all the ***mishap*** that goes along with disputes resulting from poor planning or even a complete lack of planning.





thought you should check your grammar too.

any more editing will be 16.50 a page.


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