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Anonymous #1
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How to get over the "mommy/daddy never loved me" thing?
#7986254 - 02/06/08 11:14 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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I have serious issues with my mother, and even my father. My mom and I are good friends now, but I feel we still don't connect like we could. We are just FRIENDS, you know?
The issues spanned my childhood where it seemed like she never cared about my happiness and only dragged me along like luggage. She still has those moments sometimes, and will really say things that hurt me. I've kind of hinted at this, but she either gets upset or is completely oblivious to it. She is extremely oblivious to a lot of things, and definitely isn't faking it. So I feel that a lot of my rough childhood stemmed from the fact that she didn't know any better, but it doesn't hurt any less.
My dad is another story. I spent almost every childhood weekend being happy at his place. Then one weekend he asked me to stop coming, and ever since that happened I've become deeply depressed. He never contacted me either, and the only way I hear from him is to email him every once in awhile or set up a visit date. I can never talk to him about this stuff because he is deeply racked in medication. And even if he did understand my concerns, he would lie like he always does and fake his way out of anything.
I try to forget these things and move on, but can't help think that they had a strong impact on my personality. Making me cold, disconnected, and sad. And if I ever hear or see anything on TV/in a book/ whatever about a happy mother/father and child or something about that I'll bawl my eyes out. Infact I'm crying right now just thinking about Charlie Chaplin's "The Kid".
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JoseLibrado
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Registered: 04/21/07
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Re: How to get over the "mommy/daddy never loved me" thing? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7986705 - 02/06/08 01:27 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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I think i know why you feel that way.
Its because of an idea in the mind that has you believe in the family as a place of true love and caring.
Really family is nothing like that. You could say i had pretty much the opposite of what you have had and resent me for saying this - but experiencing my family memebers as more than just friends, hurts me alot more and is detrmimental to my development as a creative energy, who by nature is free to love anyone in any way it finds nessecary.
This is key then - because this is the root of what you are suffering from ....an belief about what it the word family means.
I just had a chat with my friend and she was previously considered a cousin, who began to notice that she too had been limited so much by preconcieved, taught and ingrained ideas about family to the point where she would feel completly in their control, emotionally and habitually.
She said that in retrospect, this word family with its meanings bring nothing but detrimental and unrealisitc feelings to a person that have had her life in strangle hold, when really she has realized along with me that it is all a construct of the mind that makes her feel like she has to give special consideration to their desires, sacrificing what she knows she should be doing with her love, setting it free!!!
I think another example of a person who has suffered from this is my mother. She has sacrificed herself for this person she calls her mother, in the name of the meaning behind the name!!! Because of this she has hurt herself beyond acceptable realms and is suffering like a drug adict ttrying to rid herself of these concepts that make her act in sucha destructive way....heres the other thing too...its not good for the person you are doing this stuff for too, because they themselves become dependent on your sacrifice to be happy.
If you want to talk with that person who lies to you when you want to chill with them and fakes his way out of it, i think it would be best to talk to him about the past and how you have forgiven him love once again for it. It seems like he feels like he failed you as a father and feels guilty about it, once again showing the hurtful concept reaking havoc on your desire to love each other, like im sure you both would love to.
I think it would be good to talk to your mom about the divorce and what happened at that traumatizing time in your life as a way to make peace.
I wish you the best and i know you wish yourself that too.
Much love and joy to all you girls and boys!
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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mrsautoman
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Registered: 06/15/05
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Re: How to get over the "mommy/daddy never loved me" thing? [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#7990774 - 02/07/08 08:32 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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For some people, having a child means some switch inside you gets flipped. You suddenly see things differently and your priorities reorder themselves. I know that before I had my kid (who is almost six months old) I couldn't imagine living the way I do now. But THANK GOD it's not as hard as I thought it would be... because of those blessed instincts that kicked in.
I don't think this happens for everyone, though. Some people experience pregnancy and childbirth as they would any other biological process: get through it and on to the next thing. I cannot say if this is a failure of hormones or perhaps just a resistance to the parental mindset.
Please understand I'm not trying to make value judgments about "this kind" of person vs. "that one". I don't think anyone can fully understand how good of a parent they will be until they are in the situation. But by then you have a kid and what the fuck are you gonna do? You can love the shit out of your kid and still be completely inept at raising them. You can always hope that in any situation people will do the best that they can, but I haven't always done my best. Some days I'm too human for words and I just don't give as much of a fuck as I should.
You want to know what I think is one of the best things about being an adult? I see my parents as people, not as archetypes. It's easier to let go of all the blame and resentment.
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~I was born of a voice untimely, the so-called echo of a man's ordure~
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enotake2
Stop Bush's war



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Re: How to get over the "mommy/daddy never loved me" thing? [Re: mrsautoman]
#7997235 - 02/08/08 05:36 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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My mum is really unfeeling and undemonstrative and she is mean sometimes too. She likes to kick people when they're down. I used to confide everything in her because I had this preconceived notion that was what mothers were for and you should be able to tell them anything. Then I learned that I should be selective about what I tell anyone if I wanted to protect myself - and chose to tell people who I expect will be supportive and that group doesn't include my mother! We have gotten along a lot better ever since! I don't think she has always done the right thing and I feel angry at her about a lot of things. But I also think she cares for me in some ways and there are plenty of examples of caring behaviours and I just have faith that in some way she loves me.... There is not much life in there - but all the same I have to have faith, and I use those supportive behaviours to support that belief. My dad on the other hand is a very caring and nice person at heart I believe. He has been controlled a lot by my mother as well and my mum is into having a 'united front' - makes dad go along with her decisions and actions re us kids. He doesn't really handle or express emotions very well and it is hard to have a deep conversation with him about stuff that's personally affecting me but I know he loves me and I don't blame him for not knowing how to have supportive conversations about some things - a lot of people don't. I just wonder if there is a middle ground for you - is there some examples of supportive or loving behaviours your mother has done? - just you seem to be taking a black and white perspective. How much do your know about your Dad's circumstances around when he asked you to stop coming over? Is he on psychiatric drugs? If so could that have something to do with it - like if he wasnt capable of looking after you... It sounds like you have tried to talk to him but I wonder if you have really made a strong statement to him about how important it is to you to get some information and perspective on the situation. I would also be making a strong statment about how you feel about it - If you can elicit some empathy in him re the impact in you, you have a better chance of getting an explanation from him for his behaviour or at least an apology. Your needs are as important as his - 50/50. Fuck him if he doesnt want to talk about it! I also wonder if you had other relatives or adults who were kind to you when you were young and gave you positive parenting. I see my grandmother as my real mother in a way. She was always very loving towards me. I only saw her about once a month. But I think of her kindness and I feel quite comforted and less like I missed out.
-------------------- Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. "Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium "My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: How to get over the "mommy/daddy never loved me" thing? [Re: enotake2]
#7999196 - 02/09/08 06:06 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Well my mother has some ways of showing she loves me, and we get along quite well most of the time. But like I said, there are those moments when she is completely empty that tear me apart. Especially when she is stressed, she can say really hurtful things.
My dad is on a lot of pharm drugs, and the reason he didn't want us to come over was because he was talking to a girl online that he ended up starting a family with. And now there is big trouble with that.
As for any other positive adults? My older sister was kind of good but kind of a bitch so I could never really trust in her. My step-dad is really cool sometimes but most of the times he was/is a verbally abusive drunken asshole on the brink of snapping at all times.
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Muppet
Nomadic Jester



Registered: 08/14/02
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Re: How to get over the "mommy/daddy never loved me" thing? [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#7999626 - 02/09/08 10:38 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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I know this has already been said before, but just to reiterrate the truth:
the ONLY problem you're having right now is building your parents up to be something in your mind that they simply are not (i.e. because they were the ones responsible for bringing you into the world - that somehow makes them obligated to treat you differently then anyone else) now...this *may* have been at least partially true once upon a time back when they were raising you (or should have been at least) but the second you began caring for yourself - you were no longer beneath them
you can not expect them to bow down to you once they have given you the PRIVLEGE of being seen as an equal (nor should you)
and why anyone would ever want to be treated as a child ad infitum is beyond me
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Ravings of a Madman
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Anonymous #1
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Re: How to get over the "mommy/daddy never loved me" thing? [Re: Muppet]
#7999697 - 02/09/08 11:08 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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My childhood relationship with my mom and step-dad were far worse than it is now.
Back then I used to starve, be dragged along to house work/clothes shopping/ real estate scouting for hours on end in the promise of food or just because they didn't want to leave me at home, my mom would say nastier things to me, my step-dad actually hit me a couple of times back then and fought with my mother more often, etc. And the only trip they ever took me on was actually a tour of all the antique shops they wanted to look at.
It's not the now that causes me the most grief. It's the years of neglect and pain in the past that I can't get over no matter how hard I force myself to try. Even though I can't seem to remember most of it (probably blocked out).
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enotake2
Stop Bush's war



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Re: How to get over the "mommy/daddy never loved me" thing? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8000261 - 02/09/08 01:56 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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I'm really sorry you had that experience - it sounds like it has caused you a lot of grief and pain. And fair enough from your description. It's a priviledge you have given us to let us in on your past, to confide and trust in us. It sounds pretty complex though and it makes me wonder if maybe you would be better off talking this through with a therapist? Ehat do you think you need to do to help yourself to start to heal?
-------------------- Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. "Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium "My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: How to get over the "mommy/daddy never loved me" thing? [Re: enotake2]
#8000432 - 02/09/08 02:38 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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That's what I've been wondering. I don't know how to begin to heal.
Therapist would seem more viable if I wasn't so poor and if I didn't move all the time.
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