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lhommemachine
RenaissanceWoman


Registered: 07/23/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Tucson, AZ, USA
Last seen: 15 years, 5 months
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On the brink, with 1g
#7981451 - 02/05/08 04:04 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Life is what you make of it. We will always struggle... As I do. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I woke up feeling energized. Paid rent, tidied up the house, took out the trash and decided to do some yard work. Interacted with my Neighbors, spent time with my daughter. Cooked and woke up my husband to a foot massage. Took our food for a walk to the park, where we picnicked at sundown.
Simple and satisfying tasks for a Saturday. I am all about a good state of mind leading into a trip; from what I've read over the years.
Around 9pm, I did a 1g dosage of Shrooms. I had done a similar dosage, maybe less, a few months prior. But I'd say the effects were a bit stronger coming on this time around. I'm quite the light-weight, apparently. I went into the trip about 9:30pm. Though it only spanned until about 12-1am.
Going into it, I was actually on the telephone with a friend from NC. They weren't aware of my state, and it was merely typical talk. I noticed my mind was a bit more excelled, and that I was actually carrying [my own] conversation really well. I'm normally very anti-telephone, for reasons of awkwardness.
At some point, I stood up and became overwhelmed. Handed the phone off to my husband and sat down in a Lay-Z-boy. Felt as if I was having a rush of low blood sugar. Once I sat there, it seemed to get progressively worse. But standing. HA! The only way that happened was when my daughter woke up. Picked myself up and out of that chair, got her out of bed... but that was the extent of my actions. Lied back on the chair with her, and waited for Dad to get off the phone to tend to her.
By this time, without anyone around me, and no music present... I started to feel waves of emotion. I resisted tears welling up, but then they came. Along with a sickened feeling in my body. I felt I need to get up, but I couldn't. Though, that CHAIR was providing me with some sort of comfort.
Having read “The Giver” lately, I began to feel as if I could feel the world around me. The book aside, I've experienced this sensation in my youth. I am a very emotional being. My way of escape is expression, through words. So my husband being occupied was a frustration in that moment.
I felt as though I needed to eat, and I was fearing passing out. I would say, I had gotten on a sort of mind-loop. Hungry. Need to eat. Not appetized. Feeling funny. Going to pass out... and again.
My appetite hasn't been that great as of late. So it was a general fear I had for myself and my well being. Recently wrote: “Lack of energy, is holding me back. Due to several reasons. Primarily the belief I’ve had since adolescence: eating, urinating and defecating are a waste of time and action. I’d joke I wanted a catheter installed. That we will be the truly superior species when we can go without such things.
I may not proclaim that as much as I once had, but it has come out in my lack of action. Don’t fear, I’m not some combustible ball of bodily substance. I have surely been paying visits to the restroom, that is plain irresistible.
Food, on the other hand, has not been quite so tempting. I am without an appetite. I feel I need the resources. Though, the taste of food simply isn’t enough to tempt me. At least not for more than a good solid meal and some slight snacking.
So, I am surviving. But my body generally feels drained, as I trudged along. I am not functioning at full power. Though, I can really push myself to the limits.
So I can sit, or do some simple task, and drift off into thought. Now, sitting here writing, I can zone into the words I’ll write. Like a traffic tunnel, I can see my exit: write the thoughts. Though there are so many, that I trail on. The bright fluorescents lighting my path, sidetrack my perspective, blinding me away from the initial thought and action. It is endless.
A more conscious state of mind has been my objective. So I don’t often lull myself into this near-catatonic state. I feel that is the brink of my insanity. I do love a challenge. Though if I’m going to speak of “wasting time”, than balancing on my mental beam should be appropriately categorized as such.”
Christopher brought me a burrito, from earlier that day. Egg and bacon. Incredibly unappealing in that moment. But I liked it's warmth, and held onto it for comfort.
As Christopher went back to feeding Krislynn, the mind loop persisted.
Then I just got up, found the phone, and called my friend Vanessa. She didn't answer, but it was the act of communication that was necessary. She has a very mellow song for a ringer, so that calmed me down. (Can't believe I forgot to have music around, now that I look back!) When her answering machine began receiving, I just started talking.
It was in those moments, that all the emotions just flowed. Happiness & laughter. Sadness and crying in Christopher's arms. I probably said no more than a couple of sentences, with all of he laughing and crying I was doing.
After hanging up, I found refuge on the toilet... for a REALLY long time. Sitting down was just the end of my “working it through” thought process. But once my ass hit a platform, I could not muster my moving.
So in came two mind-loops at once. The matter of eating, and knowing that I need not be sitting. I remember not having the motivation to talk, much of this time. I was just sucked into feeling. I was just fighting with myself, knowing what actions need to be taken, and not doing a damned thing. It was based on simple matters, but was a reflection of the overall struggle I've been experiencing.
Christopher tried to help me, but I can only imagine the frustration I caused him. I doubt I was being clear on my thoughts, and I know I was being stubborn. Though, I recall explaining to him the imagery I found when I closed my eyes. It was all that I could find to make sense of my feelings. Water appearing on a black surface, slowly corroding a fluorescent blue dirt away.
When he coerced me into JUST taking a bite of the burrito, I was disgusted even more so. Egg and Bacon. I have been having issues with my eating habits. Overall, I don't believe in the consumption of meat, poultry, fish. Unless we are doing it to survive, I would say the breeding of animals for slaughter is unethical. We have plenty of other sources for food. Though I do see the nutritional value of meats, and I find it hard to resist. Especially considering the mass market being focused around the pyramid food groups. Most vegetables aren't on shelves, but every cut of meat is surely stocked.
So I chewed on the rubbery egg, and fat of the bacon... it didn't seem appealing to down it. After a long while, I did. But that was all I ate for the duration of the trip. Got up from the pot, and moved to the couch in our living area.
It was there that Christopher was finally able to join me in thought, as Krislynn had been put down to sleep again.
It was then that I made sense of the sensations I'd been experiencing. A profound De-ja-vu. Not the feeling of a disconnected limbo, in which you're outwardly experiencing the moment. A more intense rush of, “I have been here before, in this prolonged moment, in this very place at this very time... and I am meant to experience it for all it's worth... This is not fleeting.”
Everything felt familiar, the whole rest of the night. And I wouldn't stop making that known.
Carrying on our conversation, I expressed to Christopher my thoughts of deeper meaning behind this De-ja-vu.
Life for Christopher and I has excelled profusely since we met. Somehow, I feel as if our life moves according to planned... without us ever having planned it. The road we've chosen is challenging, and oddly intimidating, but carefully understood. Hurdle Jumping Hippies, if you will. We look wide eyed toward our future, live out our present, and pray on the past. Our souls intermingle and our minds coincide.
... In those moments on the couch, next to Christopher, I realized it all as it was. The things I had said or felt in years prior, they connected. I put myself in perspective.
Remembering my parents, and feeling them course through me. They live on still, with plenty of regret, depression and loss of life. I've always known their greater will, as well as their darkest demons.
Knowing the feeling I was in... I had felt this sort of euphoria during labor. Overwhelming at first, and wanting someone by my side... in the end it was myself that carried me through, I was just blessed with the presence of two beautiful people in the hereafter and glow. These experiences gave me pride, where I am normally at a loss of self. Getting excited and confident about the brighter things in life, seemed satisfying.
Singing our daughter to sleep again in the evening, the notes came with ease. Sang strong, and without the rasp I'd come accustomed to feeling from smoking. I surprised myself, with how harmonious I sounded. Just as in my dreams.
I just barely dove into it all, and it'd already worn off. I enjoyed the mild introduction... I got a taste, but didn't indulge.... That will be for next time. Give me a few weeks time, and I'll have a deeper perspective... another trip to tale.
-------------------- -- Jacqueline |LhommeMachine | PestilentProbe | Poetically Poised|
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wrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy



Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 13,676
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 16 hours, 23 minutes
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sounds like you had a pretty well rounded trip. i generally have a harder time with the lower doses as you took, then say a moderate dose of 3 grams or so. to me its kind of like having one foot in the water, so to speak. i have a harder time "letting go" and spend most of the trip restless with no real direction, stuck looping between my ego and sub conscious. upping the dose a bit loosens my grip just enough to allow myself be fully submerged into the experience.
music is a MUST.
for the next time, we up the dose and get a sitter for the little one. we have plenty of music on hand, and we venture outside to look at the stars and trees and other things of the natural sense. maybe have some paper and pens handy, to do some doodling or writing or what have you. oh, and we have wrestler_az come over to play next time as well 
im glad you are taking a cautious approach to the experience with the smaller doses to start. but i think you will find a higher dose to be both more enjoyable and beneficial.
-------------------- how's your WOW?
Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM)
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krypto2000
Unknown


Registered: 12/05/06
Posts: 11,579
Last seen: 4 years, 3 months
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Re: On the brink, with 1g [Re: wrestler_az]
#7983542 - 02/05/08 05:31 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Haha, I just opened two threads, the first being the superman trip report which took me some time to read. Seeing how comparably long this is I think I will save it for later . My dinner is getting cold right now lol, but I look forward to reading this a little later.
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krypto2000
Unknown


Registered: 12/05/06
Posts: 11,579
Last seen: 4 years, 3 months
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Re: On the brink, with 1g [Re: krypto2000]
#7983825 - 02/05/08 06:35 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Ah well thanks for sharing, I'm glad you enjoyed your trip . I love hearing low dose trip reports cause they don't seem to be too common around here.
I'd have to agree with wrestler_az though, I've noticed that low doses tend to be more confusing for me with more of a mind fuck for the most part. And you must try tripping outside sometime, I love just sitting around in the sun.
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Gabe McFadden
Qwiet, I'mhunting wabbits.


Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 18
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Re: On the brink, with 1g [Re: krypto2000]
#7983831 - 02/05/08 06:37 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Wow
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2end4
Fuckin Immortal



Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 774
Loc: Aristonda
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
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Trippin in Tustoned huh???
-------------------- Praise Bob!
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Gabe McFadden
Qwiet, I'mhunting wabbits.


Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 18
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Re: On the brink, with 1g [Re: 2end4]
#7983975 - 02/05/08 07:07 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Nice Arnold pic
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wrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy



Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 13,676
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 16 hours, 23 minutes
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Re: On the brink, with 1g [Re: 2end4]
#7984008 - 02/05/08 07:12 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
2end4 said: Trippin in Tustoned huh???
its how we do it in the desert
-------------------- how's your WOW?
Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM)
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lhommemachine
RenaissanceWoman


Registered: 07/23/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Tucson, AZ, USA
Last seen: 15 years, 5 months
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Re: On the brink, with 1g [Re: wrestler_az]
#7990523 - 02/07/08 04:53 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Well, Wrestler, Clear Eyes birthday is on the 11th. Vanessa already mentioned doing something for that occasion. I already proposed Mushies at our place, with you as well. Haven't heard anything yet, but it should be a "go". Although, I don't know what actual day we'll celebrate... depending on work schedules and all that. I'll keep you updated.
Christopher has already put together a 10+ hour playlist, with lots of good IM and other such tech tracks. I am looking forward to having you about, for the fact that you really made that E trip a blast... and you were just riding on our glow. Our house is quite cozy compared to the last, but we still have our yard! So star gazing it is! And yes... I'd love to pick up a pen and do some writing/drawing. I'm looking forward to a fuller effect. 
Grandma will watch over the little mongoose. No worries.
-------------------- -- Jacqueline |LhommeMachine | PestilentProbe | Poetically Poised|
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wrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy



Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 13,676
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 16 hours, 23 minutes
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sounds like a plan, and i look forward to it.
-------------------- how's your WOW?
Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM)
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civil twilight

Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 512
Loc: Wisconsin
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Re: On the brink, with 1g *DELETED* [Re: wrestler_az]
#7992224 - 02/07/08 03:22 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Post deleted by civil twilightReason for deletion: .
-------------------- "You dropped your pocket..."
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baraka



Registered: 07/15/00
Posts: 10,768
Loc: hyperspace
Last seen: 2 years, 26 days
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Wow i enjoyed reading that.
-------------------- This is the only time I really feel alive.
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BoulderBoomer
Super Tramp



Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 347
Loc: Kanchanaburi Province, Th...
Last seen: 4 years, 16 days
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Re: On the brink, with 1g [Re: baraka]
#7993626 - 02/07/08 08:04 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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That was some great writing, very beautiful. You certainly can express yourself well. I look forward to reading more of this.
-------------------- "We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams." -Willy Wonka
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