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dorkus
don't look back
Registered: 04/12/04
Posts: 1,511
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so im laying in bed
#7963427 - 02/01/08 04:57 AM (16 years, 21 hours ago) |
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obsessing over the fact that ive blown my mind and it really really scares me. it is like i wake up or have many different personalities and now im thinking about all the obsessions that go through my mind on most days. ive lost all contact with normal life, withdrawn from my girlfriend and just keep thinking im divine and can project thoughts into peoples head or read their mind.
i want to go to a zen center but it shames me that i will slip into those delusional thoughts and always think that i have some sort of realization.
i dont know what to do.
most days my mood is really good and all but based on ridiculous illusions. i keep grading everyone. obsessing over eyes and ears and bodyparts as pointers to some idiotic scale of spiritual development that only exists in my own mind.
meditation calms me but i snap in and out.
its sad. i think all my friends back in norway know i am braindamaged. i dont know if the damage is permanent. its not my iq though, im still doing well in poker, chess and iq tests. its something else, like my common sense is broken. i keep getting these illusions that everything is about me like a disgusting narcissism.
sorry about this. i just dont know where to turn when i wake up from this fog every now and then.

i went as a spectator to an academic debate about god at a university in the city i stay in now and thought i knew all the answers and that everyone felt my energy. i had to withdraw my focus on the speakers because i believed i made them uncomfortable. and i meditated and thought people were drawn into my energy.
Edited by dorkus (02/01/08 05:26 AM)
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dorkus
don't look back
Registered: 04/12/04
Posts: 1,511
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Re: so im laying in bed [Re: dorkus]
#7963475 - 02/01/08 05:26 AM (16 years, 21 hours ago) |
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its not even that i feel bad, but i feel nothing. or i feel good but feel withdrawn without any love or attachment. my body is filled with energy and im sweating. delusions of grandeur keep coming back and i forget that i have social anxiety.
last time i visited my family in october the cat came up and we said goodbye because he was going to die. i suspected as much because he was 13 and becoming skinny. now i was told he died from cancer. these things make me slip into delusions. why the hell would i believe i can talk to animals just because they like me?
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Cubie
Moderator




Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 8,840
Loc: Down the rabbit hole...
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
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Re: so im laying in bed [Re: dorkus]
#7963491 - 02/01/08 05:40 AM (16 years, 20 hours ago) |
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Why are you loony? Too much psychedelics? Maybe your really just evolving...? It is the next step
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dorkus
don't look back
Registered: 04/12/04
Posts: 1,511
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Re: so im laying in bed [Re: dorkus]
#7963508 - 02/01/08 05:49 AM (16 years, 20 hours ago) |
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no this cant be the next step. i think i am delusional. maybe along the lines of wishing i was special but realizing im a creep or something. i dont know. people are so nice though, i was buying orange juice in a vending machine today and only had a bill and a guy was buying too and wanted to give me his coins. i said no thanks buy one for yourself but thanks anyway.
i dont even know if i feel good or bad, just that there are much feelings in me. like an intense pressure waving inside. i cant judge whether it feels good or bad or neutral.
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs



Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Re: so im laying in bed [Re: dorkus]
#7963556 - 02/01/08 06:10 AM (16 years, 20 hours ago) |
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Hey.  Take it easy. From what I know, you've been there before. Do you think this time is different, do you think you can draw any similarities between then and now? You look quite capable of observing what's happening to you, so you can't be too pulled into it.
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   All this time I've loved you And never known your face All this time I've missed you And searched this human race Here is true peace Here my heart knows calm Safe in your soul Bathed in your sighs
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backfromthedead
Activated


Registered: 03/10/07
Posts: 3,592
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Dang, you remind me of me. I started talking to it. But then again I walk a knife's edge between sanity and complete insanity. Its like a purgatory mind state or something. I know I shouldn't be smoking any weed but seriously I have that in the spotlight feeling every time. I love that. I know that my predicament arises from not accepting oneness. I'm stuck on snakes and birds, good/evil, give and take, in/out, above below, Freemasons, aliens, mushrooms, the felt presence, presents, christmas. It helps to know that I am the observer not the patterns of duality. Stay strong and lower your gaze.
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Lion
Decadent Flower Magnate



Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,775
Last seen: 3 days, 18 hours
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Re: so im laying in bed [Re: dorkus]
#7964317 - 02/01/08 10:59 AM (16 years, 15 hours ago) |
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Quote:
i went as a spectator to an academic debate about god at a university in the city i stay in now and thought i knew all the answers and that everyone felt my energy. i had to withdraw my focus on the speakers because i believed i made them uncomfortable. and i meditated and thought people were drawn into my energy.
I have had similar experiences. Once I went to a Buddhist center that I go to to hear a teaching - everyone seemed very awake and talkative and I felt as though it was my positive energy which was affecting everyone I came into contact with. Then the Buddhist teacher came out and gave his teaching, and I was sitting there like, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm more enlightened than this guy." Later, when I met him, I knew deeply, intuitively, and instantly that he was a fully realized being, a perfect bodhisattva.
Not that it was "his" energy and not "mine" that was creating the higher levels of consciousness... that's not the point. It's like Ram Dass says... as long as you believe that you are the doer, you're trapped in duality. So maybe you were having an effect on those around you. I think when one is in a state of meditative concentration, one does have an effect on the minds of those around them. But so what? Do you think that you achieved something, that you have anything to do with the state of your consciousness? There is no doer, only that which unfolds.
-------------------- “Strengthened by contemplation and study, I will not fear my passions like a coward. My body I will give to pleasures, to diversions that I’ve dreamed of, to the most daring erotic desires, to the lustful impulses of my blood, without any fear at all, for whenever I will— and I will have the will, strengthened as I’ll be with contemplation and study— at the crucial moments I’ll recover my spirit as was before: ascetic.”
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: so im laying in bed [Re: dorkus]
#7964682 - 02/01/08 12:25 PM (16 years, 14 hours ago) |
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Quote:
dorkus said: obsessing over the fact that ive blown my mind and it really really scares me. it is like i wake up or have many different personalities and now im thinking about all the obsessions that go through my mind on most days. ive lost all contact with normal life, withdrawn from my girlfriend and just keep thinking im divine and can project thoughts into peoples head or read their mind.
i want to go to a zen center but it shames me that i will slip into those delusional thoughts and always think that i have some sort of realization.
i dont know what to do.
most days my mood is really good and all but based on ridiculous illusions. i keep grading everyone. obsessing over eyes and ears and bodyparts as pointers to some idiotic scale of spiritual development that only exists in my own mind.
meditation calms me but i snap in and out.
its sad. i think all my friends back in norway know i am braindamaged. i dont know if the damage is permanent. its not my iq though, im still doing well in poker, chess and iq tests. its something else, like my common sense is broken. i keep getting these illusions that everything is about me like a disgusting narcissism.
sorry about this. i just dont know where to turn when i wake up from this fog every now and then.

i went as a spectator to an academic debate about god at a university in the city i stay in now and thought i knew all the answers and that everyone felt my energy. i had to withdraw my focus on the speakers because i believed i made them uncomfortable. and i meditated and thought people were drawn into my energy.
While some of your thought processes seem to be magnified beyond most peoples they are fundamentally not different IMO.
Life is really strange friend and there are so many many ways the mind can deal with all of it. A lot of it surely has to do with the initial experiences and consequent personality patterns laid down in childhood.
You might feel crazy but I don't think you are. You are challenging the boundaries of the cultural programs that most likely don't fit you well. This causes a rift between the desire to fit in and feel safe and the challenge of going down the rabbit hole.
There is no guarantees at all about what will happen to you no matter what path you take. I would just like to say that if you can accept your situation as it is and don't fool yourself into thinking you are that much crazier then the rest of us, you might just have an easier time of it right now. Good luck to you.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
Edited by Icelander (02/01/08 12:26 PM)
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,532
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Re: so im laying in bed [Re: Icelander]
#7965425 - 02/01/08 03:53 PM (16 years, 10 hours ago) |
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I bet you are a good meditator you have admitted slipping in and out. go to the zen center you are well on your way energy is just phenomena.
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psyka
Praetorian


Registered: 06/09/03
Posts: 1,652
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Re: so im laying in bed [Re: dorkus]
#7965641 - 02/01/08 04:35 PM (16 years, 10 hours ago) |
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Quote:
dorkus said: people are so nice though, i was buying orange juice in a vending machine today and only had a bill and a guy was buying too and wanted to give me his coins. i said no thanks buy one for yourself but thanks anyway.
Why didn't you accept his gift?
-------------------- As the life of a candle, my wick will burn out. But, the fire of my mind shall beam into infinite.

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JoseLibrado
return


Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 569
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: so im laying in bed [Re: psyka]
#7966474 - 02/01/08 08:22 PM (16 years, 6 hours ago) |
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HAGAGAHAHAHAHA.
You can do, all those things you think you are doing.
I do the same things. Reading minds, energetic connecting, merging, fighting. It all real, reading minds is nothing more than reading intention and emotion. Though its actual phenomena, these things are there.
But understand that the people that seem to be feeding off your energy, are and they dont notice it. Remember there only exists the moment, there is levels of existence that we all are, we dont get there, its just a matter of realizing them. On the level you are, those people are too, but do not notice it, realized it, so it seems like you are all alone and you seeming different from others makes you seem delusional.
People like us are doing a service to them, they just dont know its happening fully.
The duality exists, as a unity and doing and done unto. Really we all are one thing, so this duality doesnt exist. It is just a means through which we can know we are one.
It is the way leaders know they are not leaders after all, because they were not leading anyone, but the one.
A time comes when you may think you must stop...keep going, it is here that your mind is doing the most change. It is withdrawling, like a drug adict to a becoming level of experience and context.
As is.
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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dorkus
don't look back
Registered: 04/12/04
Posts: 1,511
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Re: so im laying in bed [Re: dorkus]
#7967624 - 02/02/08 04:39 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Just wanted to thank ALL of you for taking the time to answer. Every one of the replies gave me something of importance. I will not reply to any individually because there is no reason to further talk about myself right now as you guys have already helped. So, again, thank you.
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs



Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Re: so im laying in bed [Re: dorkus]
#7967669 - 02/02/08 05:30 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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   All this time I've loved you And never known your face All this time I've missed you And searched this human race Here is true peace Here my heart knows calm Safe in your soul Bathed in your sighs
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Vectorman11
Stranger


Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 61
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
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i guess i am kinda like you always making rules in my head about spiritual shit that doesnt ake sense but i still think its real but i really dont. I get ur jist, its normal, just a way for your brain to get used to the truth.
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