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Anonymous #1
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I had a strong urge to kill myself today.
#7960480 - 01/31/08 02:41 PM (16 years, 1 day ago) |
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On my way driving to class a "dark cloud" rolled into my head and all I wanted to do was die. My windows were completely fogged/frosted from the weather and the sun was reflecting on them making it impossible for me to see while going 65 or so on the highway and I didn't give a shit. I hoped a semi got blinded by the sun too and slam into me, or that I would veer off into a bridge support.
Then throughout the whole school day I kept tearing up and thinking about how worthless my life was. How alone I am, how I can't connect to people, and how almost everyone I knew was failing despite their hard work. By the end of the day I was almost 100% sure I was going to kill myself and was even more on the verge of tears trying to tell myself that I didn't want to die, but my other half wanted to simply end the suffering. But then I went to the gym and became happy again.
I don't really know what's wrong with me. There will be bouts of happiness where I can be happy simply to be alive and with the world. Even if there are many things that bother me I will just accept them as a part of life or part of this era. Then every few weeks or so I'll go back to wanting to die, and feeling like pathetic shit even if I still agree to just live in the now and enjoy being alive. The world will feel too big and disconnected, and so will everyone in it. But I'll feel like I'm the only one to be out of this loop of organized disconnected chaos. Even if I try to cheer myself up, and actively know that the depression is there, it will stay.
But I never tell anyone, and never want to. I don't want to take pills. I don't want to talk to my family about it. Psychs are too expensive, and I don't want to have to go out of my way to blab all day because I already know what I need to apply to make myself happy. Though, it just won't work. I'll stop making myself wallow in self pity, but I'll still be sad.
I feel like I can never truly be happy for more than a few weeks.
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appleorange
Rainbow Technician



Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 4,868
Loc: Reykjavík
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7960569 - 01/31/08 02:58 PM (16 years, 1 day ago) |
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I can relate man. I'm still a very young guy, but I've watched friends od and die, friends go to prison, encountered people whose lives were so sad that it just tears me apart inside.
A chinese philosopher once said:
"When Heaven wants to perfect a great man, it tries him in every possible way until he comes out triumphantly from all his painful experiences."
Edited by appleorange (01/31/08 03:04 PM)
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demiu5
humans, lol


Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7960623 - 01/31/08 03:09 PM (16 years, 1 day ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: I already know what I need to apply to make myself happy. Though, it just won't work.
if you know, then do [apply] "it". yet if you say "it" won't work, then you don't really know
-------------------- channel your inner Larry David
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carshissbymywinda

Registered: 03/18/06
Posts: 2,697
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: appleorange]
#7961267 - 01/31/08 05:48 PM (16 years, 1 day ago) |
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Quote:
appleorange said: I've encountered people whose lives were so sad that it just tears me apart inside.
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IgnatiusJReilly
Up From Sloth


Registered: 08/28/05
Posts: 668
Loc: LA
Last seen: 13 years, 16 days
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7961311 - 01/31/08 05:57 PM (16 years, 1 day ago) |
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that's normal. seriously.
-------------------- "A Bad Day for Pants"
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ravin0fff
Stranger

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 228
Last seen: 15 years, 8 months
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: IgnatiusJReilly]
#7971276 - 02/02/08 11:37 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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just because it's normal doesn't mean that it's correct or beneficial
identify the thoughts that precede bad feelings, and either counter those negative thoughts with a positive thought(if you think about things you have A LOT to be grateful for. this is the easiest time in history with more available than billions of people that lived in the past could ever imagine. it's likely that you have all your limbs and appendages. it's likely you're not some peasant in china or slave away at 10c an hour. THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS, THEY FUCKING MATTER), or simply release the negative thought all together. nothing is forcing you to hold on to it except yourself
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7972012 - 02/03/08 08:13 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Change your diet, eat as many raw foods as you can and then work out the Body to help strengthen your will to live.
Trust me, it'll help. At the very least you'll be one healthy mo-fo.
Work towards a state of excellant health and your depression will fade over time. You just gotta do what's best for yourself and then keep doing it.
Take care of the Body.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: MOTH]
#7972030 - 02/03/08 08:24 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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I already am in excellent health. Trust me, I've done months of research on nutrition. It's important to me.
The urges went away again. After posting this I became sick, and spent most of the weekend resting. The sickness probably triggered the depressed moods. While resting, I contemplated lots of things and figured that living in an unhealthy environment is probably contributing most to my problems. Angry people, worries about money, stress about/going to school when I didn't really want to, and things like that.
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7972040 - 02/03/08 08:27 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: I already am in excellent health. Trust me, I've done months of research on nutrition. It's important to me.
The urges went away again. After posting this I became sick, and spent most of the weekend resting. The sickness probably triggered the depressed moods. While resting, I contemplated lots of things and figured that living in an unhealthy environment is probably contributing most to my problems. Angry people, worries about money, stress about/going to school when I didn't really want to, and things like that.
I'm glad you value your health and that your restful period provided some solace.
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: MOTH]
#7972045 - 02/03/08 08:31 AM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Oh...whenever I seriously plan on killing myself, I undertake a water fast to detoxify quickly. It seems to help my depression in a major way and helps to solidify my safety.
Just thought I'd mention what has helped me.
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DrCamacho89
Mazel Tuff



Registered: 03/12/07
Posts: 1,981
Last seen: 15 years, 9 months
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7974799 - 02/03/08 07:20 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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You're definitely not the only person out there who feels this way. Ask yourself how bad you would feel if someone you knew closely decided to commit suicide? Wouldn't you feel like maybe if you could have talked to them beforehand, you could have shared something in common and perhaps see things from a different perspective. May I suggest confiding these thoughts with someone you trust about this? See if there is a different angle to looking at your life. What you're describing, a lot of people out there can understand. It's just not typical cafeteria talk, that's all.
-------------------- "The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"
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Anonymous #1
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: DrCamacho89]
#7974900 - 02/03/08 07:48 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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I have no one, sadly.
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Sacrebleu
Cheap Ad SpaceHere



Registered: 09/15/07
Posts: 95
Loc: Sydney, Australia
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7975014 - 02/03/08 08:11 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Maybe you should see a psychiatrist. Does your own happiness have a price? At least you could try talk to anyone. At least you'd be doing SOMETHING. But first you should try to be content and happy with yourself. You need a lifestyle overhaul, perhaps. Don't procrastinate on anything, just DO it. Clear up any debts, mistakes, bad relationships. Keep yourself busy all the time. Do what you've always wanted to try but never could be bothered or brave or bold enough to try. Physically write down goals you must achieve in a finite time - that always keeps you in focus. Keep life flowing. But this is the only life you have so you have to live it to the fullest. And no life can be completely perfect, but you can achieve close to it if you don't let yourself be dragged down.
I'm sorry, everything I'm saying sounds pretty generic or obvious. But that is my philosophy, which I hope can be useful to your situation.
-------------------- I have no funny saying. I have no quote. I have no ASCII art. I have no video. I have no meme. I have no bolded or italicized font. My signature sucks.
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DrCamacho89
Mazel Tuff



Registered: 03/12/07
Posts: 1,981
Last seen: 15 years, 9 months
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Re: I had a strong urge to kill myself today. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7975111 - 02/03/08 08:25 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: I have no one, sadly.
Ya know, it doesn't need to be someone close? Just someone you can trust not to judge or overreact. Actually, it will be easier to tell this information to someone who won't respond with emotion. You need the truth right now. That's the theory behind shrinks. No emotional connection. Easier to hear the truth.
Whatever you do, be proactive. This can't-do attitude isn't going to make this stuff go away, it's just prolonging. A man is nothing without a plan. You have more control over your life than you realize. Nobody has ever told you life would be easy.
-------------------- "The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"
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