|
Hyper_Panda_GO
Team Action!


Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 9,720
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
|
I don't know what to do with this
#7916277 - 01/22/08 06:42 PM (16 years, 10 days ago) |
|
|
The damn television was louder than usual. At first Charles though his headphones were broken, or perhaps he had discovered some sort of secret track with a voice-over talking about some tidal wave in Asia, but no, it was just Kathy. "Honey? I'm home." Kathy didn't look up. On the set was an image of a crying child, dirtied by the forces of nature, the setting around him a perfect picture of chaos. He tried again. "Kathy honey? I'm home." Kathy looked up and regarded him with lazy green eyes. He had fallen in love with those eyes, or told himself he did, when they used to be full of zest and vigor. "So you are." "Yes I am." A quick awkward pause and then "So what did you do today?" "Not much. I made cookies but half of them burned, there's still some left if you'd like," she pointed vaguely toward the kitchen. Charles went in and directed himself to a tray of cookies, all of them burned. "We've any milk?" he half shouted into the other room. He could detect a noticeable raise in the volume of the set. "Finished it. It tasted curdled anyway." He grabbed a morsel anyway and took a bite. It tasted everything like a cookie should not taste. He sat down next to her. "What's going on?" "A tidal wave of death." "Like a tidal wave that caused a whole bunch of deaths, or have a ton of people died so as to make it seem like a tidal wave." She gave him a nasty glance. "Both I guess. Do we have fifty dollars?" "I really doubt it. What for?" "It's all it costs to take care of one of the victimized families."
-------------------- There is no valid reason you should be reading this
|
im_on_a_boat
Stranger

Registered: 04/06/06
Posts: 3,950
|
Re: I don't know what to do with this [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#7916505 - 01/22/08 07:16 PM (16 years, 10 days ago) |
|
|
wtf.
|
zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
|
Re: I don't know what to do with this [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#7916897 - 01/22/08 08:19 PM (16 years, 10 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
Hyper_Panda_GO said: The television was louder than usual. At first Charles thought his headphones were broken, or perhaps he had discovered some sort of secret track with a voice-over talking about some tidal wave in Asia. "Honey? I'm home." Kathy didn't look up. On the set was an image of a crying child, dirtied by the forces of nature, the setting a perfect picture of chaos. He tried again. "Kathy honey? I'm home." Kathy looked up and regarded him with lazy green eyes. He had fallen in love with those eyes, once, when they were full of zest and vigor. "So you are." "Yes I am." A quick awkward pause and then "So what did you do today?" "Not much. I made cookies but half of them burned, there's still some left if you'd like," she pointed vaguely toward the kitchen. Charles went in and directed himself to a tray of cookies, all burnt. "We've any milk?" he half shouted into the other room. He could detect a noticeable rise in the volume of the set. "Finished it. It tasted curdled anyway." He grabbed a morsel anyway and took a bite. It tasted nothing like a cookie should taste. He sat down next to her. "What's going on?" "A tidal wave of death." "Like a tidal wave that caused a whole bunch of deaths, or have a ton of people died so as to make it seem like a tidal wave." She gave him a nasty glance. "Both I guess. Do we have fifty dollars?" "I really doubt it. What for?" "It's all it costs to take care of one of the victimized families."
I changed a couple things. Because I liked it. A lot. And every writer needs an editor.
--------------------
|
Hyper_Panda_GO
Team Action!


Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 9,720
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
|
Re: I don't know what to do with this [Re: zappaisgod]
#7924777 - 01/24/08 03:37 PM (16 years, 8 days ago) |
|
|
You liked your changes or my writing style?
Either way thanks, and every writer does need an editor
And an agent
-------------------- There is no valid reason you should be reading this
|
zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
|
Re: I don't know what to do with this [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#7925541 - 01/24/08 06:02 PM (16 years, 8 days ago) |
|
|
I liked your story. I think I helped you tell it a little. It's still your story.
--------------------
|
Sunny
free-ballin



Registered: 10/07/06
Posts: 12,350
Loc: on the magic bus
|
Re: I don't know what to do with this [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#7929524 - 01/25/08 12:22 PM (16 years, 7 days ago) |
|
|
Nice man.
I liked it. Flash Fiction, FTW.
-------------------- WAFFLEZZ!!!11!!!1!!!1!!!!
|
Hyper_Panda_GO
Team Action!


Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 9,720
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
|
Re: I don't know what to do with this [Re: Sunny]
#7929614 - 01/25/08 12:38 PM (16 years, 7 days ago) |
|
|
It's actually a snippet of a story I'm writing about escapism and the writing process
I'm questioning whether or not a strong style is enough to hold up an admittedly boring story, but the response seems to be in my favor so far
-------------------- There is no valid reason you should be reading this
|
Hyper_Panda_GO
Team Action!


Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 9,720
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
|
Re: I don't know what to do with this [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#7935241 - 01/26/08 01:54 PM (16 years, 6 days ago) |
|
|
More snippets, woo
"So you want to give a nice little sum of money to people we've never met before?" "Charles, they've been ravaged by a tidal wave!" "Our finances have been ravaged by long periods of unemployment." "And whose fault is that?" Kathy asked, narrowing her eyes. She didn't say 'I ****ing DARE you to accuse me of doing nothing but sitting on a worn out couch with some unidentified stain' but the intent was the same. "Look, Mr. Dethstone told me if I just...spruced up my writing a bit, it would be an acceptable marketing target." "As did Ms. Sansoul, and Mr. Waruko, and, and, what was the fat one's name?" "Mr. Veinclog or Ms. Wayle?" "Whatever, you've been told that a good number of times." Charles didn't say anything. Footage of the destruction was being shown. A cow floated downstream along with the farmers that had milked it. "I'm doing to take a walk." Kathy either nodded or her head tilted due to television fatigue. He got up without getting his coat. It had been a nice day and the chances of rain were less than half, always an acceptable risk. He went to the door and as he was opening it he heard a distinct rustling that was probably Kathy trying to get his checkbook. How much did he have in his account anyway? The typewriter had been a nice investment, antiquarian, if nothing else, but he could've done without the microwave-toaster hybrid, as their cupboard was usually stacked with dust instead of food, and he hadn't wanted to get cable, but Kathy insisted. He stepped outside into a world oblivious to his problems. Woah, that has some writing potential he thought. He enjoyed these afternoon excursions. He thought most clearly with a sunny sky and bustling crowds of people.
-------------------- There is no valid reason you should be reading this
|
zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
|
Re: I don't know what to do with this [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#7937235 - 01/26/08 08:31 PM (16 years, 6 days ago) |
|
|
There's nothing quite so exhilarating as watching an artist suffering for his craft.
--------------------
|
|