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Tsion
Stranger in theDesert



Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 44
Loc: Grandville, MI
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Relationship problem thread #8202
#7906545 - 01/20/08 05:22 PM (16 years, 12 days ago) |
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Today, I was dumped in a fairly odd way.
Her and I started messaging back and forth on Facebook at the beginning of December, and things went really well. I was nearly overwhelmed, to be honest, because she would write 2-3 times a day. 2 weeks ago, we became an official couple. Her and I have very busy schedules, so we went into this knowing that we wouldn't be able to spend time together more then once or twice a week.
After a week, she became very sparse and distant with her messages to me. I knew something was up. So, we end up meeting today and we ended it.
She told me that I was a really amazing and sweet guy, but that having me in her life had put on so much more for her to think about that she felt mentally overwhelmed and thought it would be more intelligent for her future if she didn't do relationships right now.
I don't know how to interpret this! "You're a really amazing guy, and you did nothing wrong but be a complete gentlemen. But I'm so distracted thinking about you that I can't have a relationship." Like...I'm being dumped, but severely complimented? My life never ceases to be uniquely ironic and equally infuriating.
She's a very moralistic and straightforward individual, and I asked if she was being totally honest, and she said yes with no hesitation or lack of eye contact.
Ugh.
I don't have the intent to stick around for this girl to change her priorities or shift her attentions, and I communicated that. Is there anything I'm missing in all of this?
-------------------- “Why does Hello Kitty drive us to kill? Is it the cute little bow or the dead, soulless eyes?”
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'


Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
Last seen: 14 years, 8 months
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: Tsion]
#7906665 - 01/20/08 05:56 PM (16 years, 12 days ago) |
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That's rough. She's just gotta do what she's gotta do and figure things out. You're right to choose not to wait for her. It sucks but there you have it. Sounds like she's just intimidated by her feelings and by the prospects of committing to a relationship and she just wants to feel in control and grounded. It's hard, but at least she's in touch with herself and isn't the kind of girl who clasps onto a guy because she feels poorly about herself when she isn't 'loved'.
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Tsion
Stranger in theDesert



Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 44
Loc: Grandville, MI
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7907937 - 01/20/08 11:25 PM (16 years, 12 days ago) |
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I definitely appreciate the fact she has greater integrity than most individuals of the opposite gender I've dealt with, but I've yet to get into a successful relationship so my anxiety and frustration increases with every seeming "failure" like this.
If she was being totally honest, then she definitely had quite a burden with her decision. And in that case, she's probably not doing any better than I am at the moment...
-------------------- “Why does Hello Kitty drive us to kill? Is it the cute little bow or the dead, soulless eyes?”
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demiu5
humans, lol


Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: Tsion]
#7908074 - 01/21/08 12:31 AM (16 years, 12 days ago) |
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this is the last year and a half of my life, and the next 8 months...needless to say, i'm pretty much waiting it out at this point until i graduate so i can go be with her
while they are few, some girls really are honest and straightforward like this with nothing going on behind the scenes. i am thankful everyday that i've found a friend, and hopefully one day more, that shares those characteristics as the girl in your situation.
if you like this girl, stick around as a friend and don't fear the friend zone in this circumstance. but also don't not date other people in the mean time if that's what you want. for me, there's no one else i want to date right now; i know what i want but have to wait
-------------------- channel your inner Larry David
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'


Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
Last seen: 14 years, 8 months
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: Tsion]
#7908092 - 01/21/08 12:43 AM (16 years, 12 days ago) |
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I hear ya dude. I haven't had a relationship last longer than 3 months, and it's been over 2 years since one has lasted even that long. It's kind of a pain in the ass, but at the same time, over all these years of disappointment I've learned to roll with the punches. If you sincerely care about her, than just be her friend and respect her needs and boundaries. Maybe it'll happen in the future, maybe it won't. Don't wait for her though. Don't waste your time and energy in wishful thinking when you could be figuring out life for yourself.
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Huehuecoyotl
Fading Slowly


Registered: 06/13/04
Posts: 10,685
Loc: On the Border
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: Tsion]
#7908665 - 01/21/08 08:02 AM (16 years, 11 days ago) |
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Man are you lucky. A person who does not support your well being and growth voluntarily left your life. Certainly don't cling to people who do not support your well being and growth. The progression you described is optimal. Attracting those who support growth and dropping those who do not should be allowed to happen naturally without interference..
-------------------- "A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda
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JoseLibrado
return


Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 569
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: Huehuecoyotl]
#7908717 - 01/21/08 08:34 AM (16 years, 11 days ago) |
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Honestly. I think you have to speak to her about your thoughts about commitment.
Do you believe in it?
Can you honestly predict the emotions you will have 20 years, man, 6 thousand days, for this person. Is it even logical to commit to something that you found?
And where does this idea of commitment come from?
Think about these questions...because from my understanding the only reason we even consider commitment, which does not occur naturally everyday our of feelings that we find uniquely everyday?
I know this idea for me, the possibility for me to even consider this as an option was simply because of my upbringing and the teachings about reltationships with other women, which was made into a fantasy by movies and music.
I think it is more realistic to assume that you cannot predict feelings 20 -40 years in advance, let alone 2-5. It is a fact that most mairrages dont last longer than five years and that most marraiges that do, usually do so because of some external(the kids) happening that has nothing to do the feelings between individuals.
I know a lady who is trapped in a cage, as she puts it, married to a man, who simply does not care about her enough to give her love.
But because she has been with him so long and because of deep seated fears of reprisal from others, she will not get divorced. Ive talked to her about it and she knows that its crazy to put up with it any longer, but litterally feels scared and addicted to him making it extra hard for her to break free.
Something that is normally overlooked by people is the effects, constant repression of feelings for others, besides the married one has on the subconcious.
And we all have seen that the subconcious is very stubborn and limit our lives to the point that we are frozen from feeling one of the most beautiful things in life.
Peace and Joy!
^>^
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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memes
Blessed



Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 27,785
Loc: In a Tree
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: JoseLibrado]
#7908762 - 01/21/08 08:53 AM (16 years, 11 days ago) |
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it sounds like she's chill - but due to the short length of your relationship try not to get too bent out of shape about her.
you sound like a nice guy, like most of us are. Unfortunately - bitches don't want to date nice guys until they're done being whores, usually around senior year of college. Wait it out, then girls will be fighting for men with something going for them, instead of fighting over the bro-ham with the coke addiction
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Tsion
Stranger in theDesert



Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 44
Loc: Grandville, MI
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: memes]
#7909351 - 01/21/08 12:04 PM (16 years, 11 days ago) |
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I appreciate the advice thus far.
At this point, I think I'm going to wait 2 weeks to a month, see if I still care about her, then drop her a line just to see how things are going.
It's still hard to consider her words honest. I've been "let down easy" before...
-------------------- “Why does Hello Kitty drive us to kill? Is it the cute little bow or the dead, soulless eyes?”
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WhiskeyClone
Not here


Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: Tsion]
#7909579 - 01/21/08 01:13 PM (16 years, 11 days ago) |
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Quote:
Tsion said: I appreciate the advice thus far.
At this point, I think I'm going to wait 2 weeks to a month, see if I still care about her, then drop her a line just to see how things are going.

Sounds good. Just don't worry about it either way. People have personal reasons for doing everything. Maybe she has some deformity and is embarrassed about it or something. Could be anything.
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'


Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
Last seen: 14 years, 8 months
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: Tsion]
#7910943 - 01/21/08 06:09 PM (16 years, 11 days ago) |
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It's entirely possible it was an easy let down. I'm an easy-letter-downer and I'd probably say something similar. But then at the same time, I'd probably say the same thing in total sincerity. And even if it was just an easy let down, at least she's a thoughtful enough girl to care about your feelings.
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demiu5
humans, lol


Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7911642 - 01/21/08 07:48 PM (16 years, 11 days ago) |
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Quote:
NiamhNyx said: And even if it was just an easy let down, at least she's a thoughtful enough girl to care about your feelings.
just so you know, to virtually any guy, that is complete and utter bullshit; and can sometimes lead to room wondering "well, is it really over"
-------------------- channel your inner Larry David
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Huehuecoyotl
Fading Slowly


Registered: 06/13/04
Posts: 10,685
Loc: On the Border
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7911781 - 01/21/08 08:10 PM (16 years, 11 days ago) |
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The easy letdown is a lie. It is better to be honest and direct.
-------------------- "A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda
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Tsion
Stranger in theDesert



Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 44
Loc: Grandville, MI
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: Relationship problem thread #8202 [Re: demiu5]
#7911794 - 01/21/08 08:12 PM (16 years, 11 days ago) |
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Yeah, easy let downs are about the most aggravating thing in the universe of relationships. The phrase "I think we should just be friends" makes me want to murder children.
I looked her in the eyes and asked her if she was being completely honest, and she looked me straight back and said yes with no hesitation or nervous reaction in the least. So, I'm not going to let myself ponder whether or not she was telling the truth. Makes the matter -even more- confusing.
Today has been easier, save the hour after I woke up. There's still these random moments of feeling pissed, but they pass quickly.
-------------------- “Why does Hello Kitty drive us to kill? Is it the cute little bow or the dead, soulless eyes?”
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