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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
Divorce
    #7882845 - 01/15/08 11:18 AM (16 years, 17 days ago)

A divorce is in my future. I am having powerful mixed emotions about the entire thing.

Anyone divorced here? Can you tell me how you feel about your decision to legally separate from your spouse?


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Invisibleim_on_a_boat
Stranger

Registered: 04/06/06
Posts: 3,950
Re: Divorce [Re: MOTH]
    #7882906 - 01/15/08 11:26 AM (16 years, 17 days ago)

no and i really dont ever want to be.  i'm not even married yet.

my parents were both remarried and found each other and they've been together 20-something years..

sometimes you need a do-over to find the right person :smile:

do you have kids?  if not, be glad as that would just complicate things further.

i hope you get things figured out.  it's never a pleasant thing to have to do.. you know marriage is supposed to be final.. it's not as easy to just break up as when you're dating..

the law has to get involved..

i hope things work out for you. you'll find someone better for ya.. and if not.. you'll find someone who will work until you find someone better for ya :smile:


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InvisibleVeritas
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Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,089
Re: Divorce [Re: MOTH]
    #7882937 - 01/15/08 11:31 AM (16 years, 17 days ago)

I was divorced 6 years ago, and can clearly state that it was one of the wisest decisions I have ever made.  The idea that marriage can be decided forever, when we are constantly evolving and changing, is absurd.  Most of us choose our spouses long before we have a clue about who WE are, so how could we choose an appropriate lifelong partner?

If you can manage it cooperatively, it is much less traumatic.  The legal system is complex and messy, but can be navigated if you ask for some help.  Often, the district or county court will have a Court Specialist to help those who are not represented by an attorney.  Check this out & utilize them as much as possible.

The grieving process can be lengthy, and I would recommend some counseling during the year afterward.

I wish you and your husband the best in this parting.  May it be a catalyst for growth for you both.  :heart:


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Divorce [Re: Veritas]
    #7883113 - 01/15/08 12:10 PM (16 years, 17 days ago)

Okay...I was just wondering if it was normal to be feeling so messed up all the time.  A friend just died, but I don't know...I've been really feeling fragile lately, like my reality is melting down all around me and nothing is stable or can be trusted.  I keep wondering if I'm having a nervous breakdown because I really don't feel that well.  In fact I feel pretty shitty most of the time even though I know it is the natural flow of events in my life to separate and get divorced.  I have no idea what is happening.  It seems to be completely out of my control. 

:shrug:  Just really confused I guess.  I can't be married but this process is emotionally excruciating and I've had doubts of surviving it.  I keep feeling fucked up for feeling so fucked up. 

No kids involved.


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Invisibletak
geo's henchman
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Re: Divorce [Re: MOTH]
    #7883134 - 01/15/08 12:13 PM (16 years, 17 days ago)

i wish you luck man, its hard times.

in the end you need to take care of yourself, do you have any kids with this person?


--------------------
The DJ's took pills to stay awake and play for seven days.


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InvisibleVeritas
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Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,089
Re: Divorce [Re: MOTH]
    #7883247 - 01/15/08 12:33 PM (16 years, 17 days ago)

I think it is "normal" (inevitable) to feel fragile and disoriented during major life transitions.  Take great care of yourself--good food, sleep, exercise, enjoyable activities, seek support from friends.  It really makes a difference.  :hug:


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InvisibleOneMoreRobot3021
Male


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 61,024
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Re: Divorce [Re: MOTH]
    #7883325 - 01/15/08 12:50 PM (16 years, 17 days ago)

Of course you feel shaky. One of your crutches just fell away from underneath your arm.

But don't worry, MOTH - you can walk.


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis


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Invisibledemiu5
humans, lol
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Registered: 08/18/05
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Re: Divorce [Re: MOTH]
    #7884561 - 01/15/08 05:08 PM (16 years, 17 days ago)

remember, no matter how much you may want to believe that there is ONE person out there for everyone, this simply is not true. for some people it may work out that way, but there are probably 100+ people who are the right ONES but because of whatever distance or situation you may never meet them


divorce was the best thing for my parents because of abuse and mistrust. if your husband is still caring for you and loving, you may want to reconsider what you are leaving behind

i've read some of the current situation you're in, so you have to follow what feels/seems to be right


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David


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OfflineBrAiN
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Registered: 03/01/01
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Re: Divorce [Re: MOTH]
    #7885955 - 01/15/08 09:13 PM (16 years, 17 days ago)

I'm engaged to someone who's been married before. She left him because he ended up being an abusive asshole. The whole process from when she left to when it was finally over with was almost a whole year for her and REALLY painful (I started dating her towards the end of it). Hell.. she didn't even want ANYTHING out of the divorce... she wanted to just get the fuck away from him and they didnt even have ANY assets but there was still lots of legal bullshit to go through. He was really psycho.

She got really depressed and at one point when he started threatening to expose all kinds of shit like telling the authorities that her brother's visa had expired while he was only a few months from a bachelor's degree. I left the dude a voicemail threatening to break his kneecaps with a crowbar at which point he left be a voicemail threatening to do bodily harm as well. I never did get to face him in person. My company sent me to asia for a month at the time where he had to drag his ass 500 miles to court to see her in front of a judge. It's probably a good thing. I try to be rational, but if I happened to be around at the time things might have gotten messy.

But... like most wounds.. it heals over time., at least it seems to. She's better now. I'm sure some issues still linger but for the most part she's WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY better off not being with him. If it's over ... it's over.

.. On the other hand... I've picked up through hints through my mom and older sisters that my dad used to be abusive. When I was 13 I witnessed my dad raise his hand to my mom, but not strike and they started screamin at each other. I freaked out at the time about it. I've heard my dad scream and yell at my sisters when I was growing up but nothing really affected me more than that one moment. My parents are still together and I'm really glad they are. I can't imagine how much more stressful my life would be if they had gotten divorced. I guess if kids are involved, divorce is a completely different game.


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OfflineDobie
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Re: Divorce [Re: MOTH]
    #7887001 - 01/16/08 01:24 AM (16 years, 17 days ago)

Dang moth That sucks I wish the best of luck to you too :frown: Breakups sucks It makes me never wanna be in a relationship again sometimes. But I miss that warm loving feeling of meeting a awesome girl. I fucked my life up with drugs and regret it every moment I would of probally be married right now


--------------------
This place is gayer than when the balls touch


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OfflineJoseLibrado
return


Registered: 04/21/07
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Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
Re: Divorce [Re: Dobie]
    #7887781 - 01/16/08 10:30 AM (16 years, 16 days ago)

hey moth.

I think i have the same problem as you do.

You say you feel bad, for feeling bad. I recognize this so much in my life now, since i have been awakening to new understandings about who i am and inevitably the things that work for us.

Traditional things, like mairrage for example, are simply untrue and unworkable for who i know myself to be anymore and i have the largest troubles accepting that i am in a habit of thinking in a way that makes me feel traditional.

So most of my depressed moments come from my inability to accept the way i feel and feel bad about myself because i am feeling that way - even after i have realized that i shouldnt feel that way at all, in truth.

I trully feel like a wreck when this happens and it all stems from my inability to bring into prespective that these expressions of who i am not, are equally nessecary to my desire of experiencing who i trully am.

I think to experience who we are, it is crucial to experience who we arent because otherwise we wouldnt be able to trully and fully experience the audacity of the free flying spirit inside of us.

A bird will know what it is to fly freely, only if it was caged.

We will know what it is to free our emotions and our passions wholy and passively, because we do know the dread of repressing them.

Moth we are in a process of awakening to the trully us.

Learning to accept, even that aspect of who we are, that cannot accept certain feelings, beliefs and actions, is the next step for us, the becoming. :heart:

We try!


--------------------
The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.

And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.

Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.

Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....


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InvisibleCherryBomM
Yoga Gypsy
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Registered: 12/26/98
Posts: 11,177
Loc: Ontario
Re: Divorce [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #7887987 - 01/16/08 12:00 PM (16 years, 16 days ago)

Quote:

OneLessForeskin said:
Of course you feel shaky. One of your crutches just fell away from underneath your arm.

But don't worry, MOTH - you can walk.




:hug:
PM sent.


--------------------


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InvisibleBrainiac
Rogue Scientist
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Registered: 04/29/06
Posts: 13,259
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Re: Divorce [Re: MOTH]
    #7888480 - 01/16/08 02:44 PM (16 years, 16 days ago)

Most people, I know say its the great investment they made..


--------------------
:Awesketch:

:cool: Fair is Fair :devil:


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OfflineDrCamacho89
Mazel Tuff
Male


Registered: 03/12/07
Posts: 1,981
Last seen: 15 years, 9 months
Re: Divorce [Re: MOTH]
    #7889876 - 01/16/08 07:34 PM (16 years, 16 days ago)

Yes, this is natural. A divorce on top of the death of a close friend? Quit being so hard on yourself & give yourself some time. This is a lot to process. You will find a way, just don't let the down stuff bring you too down. There's time to sit and ponder, and there is time to make changes in your life. You have enough change in your life for two men right now. Give yourself some space and quit thinking you're going crazy because it's taking you awhile. Work on yourself and the time to act will appear in your life when it appears. Go through the motions if need be and find a way, any way that makes you happy, and take it easy.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"


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Offlinezappaisgod
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Registered: 02/11/04
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Re: Divorce [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #7890004 - 01/16/08 07:55 PM (16 years, 16 days ago)

I'm divorced and remarried. It's the best thing that I ever did. I found "the one" and if you ever met us you would be absolutely astounded that we're a match. But we're perfect for 12 years now and we only ever argue about her kids, the last of whom will be gone in 6 months.

Inertia is another word for death. When you gotta move, you gotta move.


--------------------


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OfflineSeussA
Error: divide byzero


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Re: Divorce [Re: MOTH]
    #7891775 - 01/17/08 04:44 AM (16 years, 15 days ago)

Quote:

I've been really feeling fragile lately, like my reality is melting down all around me and nothing is stable or can be trusted. I keep wondering if I'm having a nervous breakdown because I really don't feel that well.




I used to always feel that way this time of year when I lived in the US.  I think it was from the lack of sunlight during the winter months, as the depression was very seasonal.  I recommend moving to the tropics for a few years and see if things improve.  Worked wonders for me!  :smile:


--------------------
Just another spore in the wind.


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InvisibleMOTH
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Posts: 23,431
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Re: Divorce [Re: Seuss]
    #7892614 - 01/17/08 11:33 AM (16 years, 15 days ago)

I live in New England, it's the middle of winter, and yeah...I definitely feel the impact of the lack of full sunlight. Previous to this I had lived in Texas for over a decade so I just miss the sun and that's probably contributing to the overall stress level.

I have been feeling strongly drawn to South America lately.


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InvisibleVeritas
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Registered: 04/15/05
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Re: Divorce [Re: MOTH]
    #7894054 - 01/17/08 05:30 PM (16 years, 15 days ago)

Take Vitamin D supplements in the meantime. There is quite a bit of research supporting the link between seasonal depression and Vitamin D deficiency.


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