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Wiccan_Seeker said: Well this dark cloud has a silver lining: you are depressed BUT you don't want to die. A will to live is important and probably a sign you will overcome this depression.
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I thought about what it would feel like to not exist anymore
If you're not there, you're not there. A trillion years will feel like infinitely less than a split second.
Most scientists agree that a couple billion years ago something just snapped, and the Universe emerged from it. The Big Bang. A lot of scientists also agree that the material universe will return to the void which might have existed before the big bang.
There are some scientists who believe that big bang universe creations like ours happen once in a while, and that they will happen forever and ever. This once in a while is a huuuge while: I read a number of a 1 with 1056 zeros behind it, and that many years, give or take.
That's an awful long time to wait for your turn at the dentist's office, but wait: you are dead. Even if you multiply that number of years by itself, it still will last less than a split second for you.
The essence of you is something in your brain probably. A little co-op of chemistry and physics thats just a tiny fraction of what you are. It is something that exists in at least humans, but probably in many, many other life forms.
Some big bang universes create lifeforms wherein you can occur. It has happened now after all.
If eternity keeps on throwing out all possible big bangs over and over, it will run out of different variations. A big bang has a limited size of stuff and with a limited size of stuff there's only so much you can do. So what eternity does, is recycle everything that is possible in every possible way, and that forever.
Think about this. What it means for you is that you will live every possible life, forever. You are eternal. All that is lost will be regained.
you die, you have the death experience, then there's a zap of time and space that you won't even notice because it happens in literally no time at all for you, and there your essence is once more, in a womb or an egg on some alien planet you get to explore when you grow up. You get a fresh install on a new machine in a new hardware environment. Your genetic coding, experience and parents and friends will help you write a new operating system without all the bugs accumulated during the service life of your previous install.
And this forever.
It doesn't matter how long you are dead, because for you it will pass unnoticed.
100 years before you were born you were as dead as you can possibly be. Your sperm and egg didn't even exist. And look what happened, here you are! Fifty billion years ago the universe that would create you didn't even exist. But here it is and here you are.
Don't let nihilism get the better of you. To quote Jurassic Park: "Life will find a way". It did before you were born and will after you die. When you die your clock will stop and it will only start again when you are reborn. And over time, eventually, you will. Eternity and Infinity are just too mindbogglingly vast for it not to happen.
Very well written. I believe the same thing, I've always just found it hard to put into words. Essentially energy can neither be created nor destroyed.
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So good to see you, I've missed you so much.
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