|
Sunny
free-ballin



Registered: 10/07/06
Posts: 12,350
Loc: on the magic bus
|
The Astronaut (poem)
#7857629 - 01/10/08 02:43 AM (16 years, 23 days ago) |
|
|
I wrote this when I thought I was going crazy, about a year back.
The Astronaut --- When I look into your eyes who looks back into mine? Seems I used to know a boy, but boy how you've changed. So long morning, so long. So long, so long, goodbye. When I look into your eyes, I wonder, is there anybody home? Now I am the astronaut among men, silently careening through the stars. But when I look through the glass I can't say I see anyone looking back.
-------------------- WAFFLEZZ!!!11!!!1!!!1!!!!
|
krin
Stranger


Registered: 11/20/04
Posts: 370
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
|
Re: The Astronaut (poem) [Re: Sunny]
#7868396 - 01/12/08 09:05 AM (16 years, 20 days ago) |
|
|
So now that your there (crazy) how do you feeegoonabBABShWATHEPATRhH!
I thought you might be able to relate to that better than something traditionally empathetic
I liked your poem, except for these lines: "When I look into your eyes who looks back into mine? Seems I used to know a boy, but boy how you've changed. So long morning, so long. So long, so long, goodbye. When I look into your eyes, I wonder, is there anybody home? Now I am the astronaut among men, silently careening through the stars. But when I look through the glass I can't say I see anyone looking back. "
I thought those lines could have been improved.
Just joking. I thought it was terrible. Just joking.
|
art
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 331
Last seen: 14 years, 4 months
|
Re: The Astronaut (poem) [Re: krin]
#7868776 - 01/12/08 11:43 AM (16 years, 20 days ago) |
|
|
I really enjoyed it, it was short, but nice.
|
Sunny
free-ballin



Registered: 10/07/06
Posts: 12,350
Loc: on the magic bus
|
Re: The Astronaut (poem) [Re: krin]
#7868840 - 01/12/08 12:06 PM (16 years, 20 days ago) |
|
|

yeah, I was pretty washed out when I wrote it. I had just started doing mescaline, and to be honest, the introspective abilities of that chemical blew my mind. I was kind of coping with all these weird emotions, and personality conflicts. I tried to sum it up as much as I could in the poem.
Thanks art, it's cool when people dig my stuff.
-------------------- WAFFLEZZ!!!11!!!1!!!1!!!!
|
Apollyphelion
Dungeon Master/Princess(1009)


Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 16,757
Loc: Festival of Deaths
|
Re: The Astronaut (poem) [Re: Sunny]
#7872719 - 01/13/08 09:33 AM (16 years, 19 days ago) |
|
|
Thank you for that.
Resonates through me, forming a pleasing chord.
I wouldn't change a thing.
You could look at the change in syllabic structure/poem rhythm towards the end as a metaphor for an increasing complexity that was no longer you...whilst the beginning was more "elegant" and simple, compared to the latter half.
Keep writing, more thoughts from ya!
--------------------
"I'm looking at you looking at it" SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL PLEASE! www.youtube.com/apollyphelion Creator of the World's Worst Comic Book
|
|