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Invisibledemiu5
humans, lol
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Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium Flag
laughter (a short poem)
    #7851227 - 01/08/08 11:14 PM (16 years, 24 days ago)

i hear your laughter
linger through the kitchen,
from behind your hollow
chamber door, down
the dark, narrow hall,

your cries pierce my ears
as you read and ridicule the
thoughts in my head;
laughing,
and laughing





___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(tried changing the line "your cries pierce my ears" to "your cries pierce me" but i didn't like the sound of it, although, despite the multiple meanings for 'pierce my ears', i can't get the mental image out of my head of someone piercing my ears as in for jewelry. hopefully it doesn't come across this way to the reader)


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David


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Offlinethe universe
Harbinger ofEldritch Despair
Male

Registered: 03/10/99
Posts: 1,456
Loc: Under your bed
Last seen: 15 years, 10 months
Re: laughter (a short poem) [Re: demiu5]
    #7851963 - 01/09/08 01:34 AM (16 years, 23 days ago)

Don't worry about the ear peircing imagery. I got it the way you intended. Is this poem supposed to be paranoid?


--------------------
"If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the 'Fuck you' signs in the world."- J. D. Salinger


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InvisibleColonel Kurtz Ph.D
What What?
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Registered: 07/22/04
Posts: 11,113
Loc: Shadow Moses
Re: laughter (a short poem) [Re: demiu5]
    #7852243 - 01/09/08 03:10 AM (16 years, 23 days ago)

Dark dude, let's put some moody/hardcore music to it :yesnod:


--------------------
:whatwhat:

There's no better way to rock out than with your cock out!!


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Invisibledemiu5
humans, lol
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Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium Flag
Re: laughter (a short poem) [Re: the universe]
    #7852747 - 01/09/08 09:19 AM (16 years, 23 days ago)

Quote:

the universe said:
Don't worry about the ear peircing imagery.  I got it the way you intended.  Is this poem supposed to be paranoid?




thanks man. that line doesn't necessarily rub me the wrong way, but i'm just not completely satisfied with it.

and yea, it's supposed to be paranoid thoughts, for the most part.  it was just a really strange incident the other day between me and my roommate (i still want to find a way to get across that the laughter is from a female, cause it could easily change how you read it), but the whole situation being described was all in my head.

note: i wasn't actually paranoid or thinking it this way, and when the thought struck me i found it humorous, but i felt it could make a great, sort of dark poem.


Quote:

Colonel Kurtz Ph.D said:
Dark dude, let's put some moody/hardcore music to it :yesnod:




thanks, even if you're just saying that, that's quite a complement


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David


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InvisibleSunny
free-ballin
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Registered: 10/07/06
Posts: 12,350
Loc: on the magic bus
Re: laughter (a short poem) [Re: demiu5]
    #7853340 - 01/09/08 12:21 PM (16 years, 23 days ago)

I dig it. :yesnod:


--------------------
WAFFLEZZ!!!11!!!1!!!1!!!!


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