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CherryBom
Yoga Gypsy


Registered: 12/26/98
Posts: 11,177
Loc: Ontario
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I am not myself
#7803545 - 12/27/07 11:13 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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I have to do these chemo injections of a drug called Interferon for one year. It's HORRIBLE stuff. I have to do 3 injections a week and I dread every single one. It's supposed to kill cancer cells that may or may not be existent in my body, and also boost my immune system. I don't understand the dynamics of how it works cuz it sure makes me fucking sick.
Physically, it gives me simultaneous chills and sweats, severe lower back pain, crazy headaches, tummy aches, constipated, hair falling out (slowly). But all the doctors warned me about all this stuff. All these physical symptoms I can deal with. It's what is going on my head that fucks me up the most.
I can't focus on anything. Sometimes I actually find myself completely zoned out, staring into space. I'm angry about EVERYTHING. I have zero patience for stupid people. I have very little interest in doing things, seeing people. I just want to be on my own all the time...I'm totally isolating myself. When I am out with people, I'm very quiet, reserved and withdrawn.
I'm negative about EVERYTHING. Sometimes I don't bother getting dressed and just bum around in my jammies all day long. I have crazy nightmares all the time. At least a few times a week. I wake up all disoriented and freaked out.
My doctor told me that I have to talk this cancer psychologist lady every week or two, but I don't really like her. I feel like she's not really listening to me so much as she is just going through the motions of her own day. She's just working, you know? I also don't really like telling strangers all my personal shit, it's weird.
Which is why I don't know if I should post this or not...I don't like being negative it's not really my nature. But I can't help it. I feel disgusting inside and out and my stupid brain is turning into spaghetti-o's. I'm so pissed off....ALL THE TIME.
I WANT THIS TO BE OVER. I can't even drink. Not one single sip of alcohol. I tried to cheat a few times and learned my lesson hard. I had one drink....just one and I had a hangover for 4 days. It was horrible, I wanted to shoot myself in the face.
I'm fucking pissed off, all I want is to be destructive. I want to drink, get stoned, hang out at shady bars, smoke cigarettes, go on a solo road trip...I can't do these things. I can't put one single toxin in my body or it will freak out and I'll get 'the sickness'. No caffeine, no alcohol, no cigarettes, no fucking white bread. I can't leave the area because I have injections every other day.
When this shit is over...in June...I'm going to attack my life with a vengeance. I'll have one entire year of living to make up for and it will be summer. LOOK OUT ASSHOLES. I'm going on a well deserved bender.
fin.
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lbtchnlgs
Feel like a Stranger



Registered: 04/12/07
Posts: 672
Last seen: 9 years, 6 months
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Re: I am not myself [Re: CherryBom]
#7803664 - 12/27/07 11:46 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Keep your head up. Remember that going through a few months of hell will pay off when you can enjoy this beautiful life without cancer sitting on your shoulder.
Just be sure that people know what you are going through, so when you do get angry with people they can understand. I am sure they already do, the cancer battle is not easy for anyone.
Stay positive, you'll be flyin soon enough
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WScott
´ ɑ `▽ ᑲᓇᑕ


Registered: 07/31/05
Posts: 5,713
Loc: Nacada
Last seen: 9 months, 15 days
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Re: I am not myself [Re: lbtchnlgs]
#7804019 - 12/27/07 01:16 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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I can't really relate to much of what you're going through but I can try to divert your focus (:P) by asking.. where is it you want to take your solo road trip? I'm from Ontario too and have been thinking of doing the same thing before taking off to another country.
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CherryBom
Yoga Gypsy


Registered: 12/26/98
Posts: 11,177
Loc: Ontario
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Re: I am not myself [Re: WScott]
#7804038 - 12/27/07 01:22 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Who knows? Anywhere.
Algonquin Park, anywhere in the north, the east coast... I'd really like to see the east coast. I love the northlands. Lakes, pine trees and mooses. 
I want to live in my tent and eat campfire burned potatoes and be completely exhausted by 9pm from hiking through the forest and playing in the lake. Ontario is awesome. I am so grateful I live in this ginormous province.
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trendal
J♠



Registered: 04/17/01
Posts: 20,815
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Re: I am not myself [Re: CherryBom]
#7804053 - 12/27/07 01:25 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Me and my girl are planning a camping trip to Algonquin Park this summer...
PS - hang in there! I know it's tough...but June will come before you know it!
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Once, men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free. But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them.
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WScott
´ ɑ `▽ ᑲᓇᑕ


Registered: 07/31/05
Posts: 5,713
Loc: Nacada
Last seen: 9 months, 15 days
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Re: I am not myself [Re: CherryBom]
#7804076 - 12/27/07 01:31 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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You certainly paint a good picture. Algonquin has been on my mind too.. and I think you may have just enticed me to actually go for it with your description of how it could be - particularly the burned potatoes, haha.
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs



Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Re: I am not myself [Re: CherryBom]
#7804558 - 12/27/07 04:15 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Hi. I am no cancer psychologist and I have not been through what you are experiencing right now, so please take everything that I say with a grain of salt. The way I see it, is that you feel this way ONLY because of this medication. It might sound obvious in the beginning, but where I'm getting at is that we mostly tend to forget things like that when we feel really down. And then we might start identifying ourselves with this feeling of negativity and then deeper and more serious problems occur. If you're somehow in the situation of forgetting why you feel like that, you might find yourself wondering what's wrong with you and blame yourself for the depression that you feel. In time (and one year is long enough) your mind can develop a pattern of feeling an unexplained rage against yourself which might continue after you're done with this treatment. This is why you need to become as conscious as possible that you indeed feel this way because of these injections and, if possible, stay on the observer mode as much as possible. Observing your reactions & emotions stops you from identifying yourself with your anxiety on one hand, and on the other hand can turn into a great tool into knowing your mind. This in extent can help you overcome many feelings of negativity in the future. When I found myself feeling very down and fearsome, I had this impulse of making things even worse for myself. This seems to be happening to most of us in situations like these. Entering the observer mode has helped me detach myself from most of that despair and also learn who I am. This is how I learned that one of the reasons I hated myself in those moments was because I thought that, since I was unable to miraculously lift my mood, I deserved to feel miserable. Take one day at a time and use this time for knowing yourself better, you might be surprised how many things you can learn and how many unexplained feelings will find their answer. I wish you the best!
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   All this time I've loved you And never known your face All this time I've missed you And searched this human race Here is true peace Here my heart knows calm Safe in your soul Bathed in your sighs
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RandalFlagg
Stranger

Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
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Re: I am not myself [Re: CherryBom]
#7805054 - 12/27/07 06:45 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Hang in there, Bom.
Do you own a game system? (Xbox, Wii, Playstation)? If you do tell me some games that you want and I'll send 'em up your way so you can keep your mind off stuff.
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EternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance



Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 7,152
Loc: Time and Space
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Chronic pain FUCKING SUCKS, it lowers the quality of your life and makes you feel like not yourself. The desire to be self-destructive will be overwhelming, but it will only do more harm in the long run. You have to be vigilant and patient, stand up against the pain and misery and try and get by. I'm in a similar situation with a frustrating back problem, some days are beyond hell and other days are almost bearable.. right now I get by on really hot showers and eating good food.
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danlennon3
LivingIsEasyWithEyesClosed.....



Registered: 10/29/02
Posts: 19,246
Loc: usa
Last seen: 1 year, 12 days
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I feel the same way about my siezure medicine. ever since I started taking it, Ive had problems which I have NEVER had before. I know for a fact that it is in result of the medication Im taking. The doctor who presribed it to me refuses to take me off it. When I stopped taking on my own, i ended up having a second seizure.Now Im back on it and the problems started up again. If you tried talking to your doctor about the problems, maybe you should get a second opinion. That's what I would do if I could afford it.
-------------------- "Psychedelics should be used not to escape reality, but to embrace it"
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GGreatOne234
Stranger
Registered: 12/23/99
Posts: 8,946
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Re: I am not myself [Re: CherryBom]
#7805436 - 12/27/07 08:37 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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aww cherry bomb, hang in there.. just hang in there for a while longer
from my experience, not many therapists are very good at what they do but some are really quite brilliant people who know how to actually help ..psychotherapy is like a feather, and hypnotherapy is like a sledgehammer..
also if i was in your shoes i would be ingesting reishi and cordyceps and other medicinal mushrooms every day.. it is worth giving those a try
..you will be enjoying life again before you know it, just hang in there..
that medicine sounds.. horrible................... i suppose that when you get angry, try to remind yourself that it is the medicine, not you
when you are done with it all you should be stronger, and your life will get better again
gg
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CherryBom
Yoga Gypsy


Registered: 12/26/98
Posts: 11,177
Loc: Ontario
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Quote:
MushroomTrip said: The way I see it, is that you feel this way ONLY because of this medication. It might sound obvious in the beginning, but where I'm getting at is that we mostly tend to forget things like that when we feel really down. And then we might start identifying ourselves with this feeling of negativity and then deeper and more serious problems occur.
I think that this is a really big part of it. It's not really me, it really is the drugs. I think I'm doing pretty well at dealing with it most of the time...just every once in awhile I want to curl up and die, you know?
I'm at the halfway point. Thanks for the kind words and support guys. It doesn't seem like much, but it really does help a little bit. Thanks for letting me vent.
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ZippoZ
Knomadic



Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
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Re: I am not myself [Re: CherryBom]
#7808412 - 12/28/07 07:48 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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hang in there bom!
-------------------- PEACE
zippoz "in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption" "People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."
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carshissbymywinda

Registered: 03/18/06
Posts: 2,697
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Re: I am not myself [Re: CherryBom]
#7812382 - 12/30/07 12:54 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
CherryBom said: When this shit is over...in June...I'm going to attack my life with a vengeance. I'll have one entire year of living to make up for and it will be summer. LOOK OUT ASSHOLES. I'm going on a well deserved bender. fin.
always remember this when you think or feel anything negative it will motivate you to keep going take care things will get better
Edited by coma white (12/30/07 01:28 PM)
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