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OfflineMuppet
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the funny thing about suicidal tendancies is that they NEVER go away
    #7774283 - 12/18/07 03:40 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Growing up I was always told that I'd never be able to get a good paying job (because my parent's couldn't afford to send us to college) and that I'd probably spend my life doing construction or some shit, and making just enough to get by.

I accepted that.

When I was fifteen and CPS got involved in our lives - I found myself in a position where I couldn't rely on this dream of mine of getting a scholarship anymore, because I was no longer able to keep up with my schooling. (they have this crazy little set-up that's designed to keep kids from forming cliques an shit by bouncing em around from one shelter to the next every couple of months, and then not allowing them to get back into school again until the proper paperwork goes through...which generally doesn't happen until a week or two before it's time for you to get transferred elsewhere)

So I dropped out all together.

I eventually turned eighteen, got out of the system, and moved in with my step father. He persuaded me to get my GED / pick up a pell grant to pay for my education / and go back to school to make something out of my life.

And I fucked that one up my damned self.

So now I'm working as a stock boy at some grocery store, making a hair over minimum wage as it is (but with at least the opportunity to go up to something much more reasonable after I had been there for a few years) and I'm slowly but surely getting myself out of debt, while simultaneously making a name for myself in a company that I *could* be making some very decent money for within a fairly short period of time...all things considering.

But unfortunately for me though - this was also doing hell on me emotionally/mentally/etc being so disconnected from the world the way I was during this time period...and I had a bit of an early mid-life crisis when I started to realize that it wouldn't matter if I would have been taken care of financially, because I would have been absolutely miserable doing it. And that's when I started tossing around the idea of writing a book in my spare time, in hopes that if I could get it published - then I could quit this overnight stock job that had been wreaking havoc on my internally, and simply sit around all day doing what I loved to do anyway.

And that's when I got stomped.

I hadn't done anything to bring this sort of shit upon myself that night (running with gangs, or whatever) I was just simply in the wrong place at the wrong time...and my life changed in an instant. (and I'm sure you're probably thinking I'm just trying to use this as an excuse here, but until you've walked a mile in my shoes - you have no idea the sort of impact that something like that could throw you through...especially...when you're already in a broken down place in your life as it is)

But I bounced back.

I found myself another job. (before I was even fully recovered, I might add) I found myself a new place to live. I put myself in a position where I could continue to follow my dreams of becoming a writer...even IF...it was still in the same exact sort of job that had been causing me so much problems up until that point. At least I was trying though.

But inside I was dead.

I kept thinking that any day now *something* was gonna go wrong, and that my life was gonna spin outta control again, and that I wasn't gonna be able to bounce back again after this one (cause I truthfully didn't even want to try any more) and that I was absolutely destined to find myself in a position yet again where I didn't want to be a part of this world anymore...only...I was determined to make damn well sure that I could actually escape this time if and when that time inevitably comes.

So I bought a gun.

This one blew up in my face with my roommate taking it away from me (for my own protection, no less) and then refusing to give it back a couple of weeks later when I was on my way out the door anyway. And I'm not gonna bore you with the details of the stupid shit I did trying to get it back, just know that it ended with me spending a few nights in jail / and coming back to find everything that I had ever owned lying in rubble on the front porch...and every hope and dream and every fucken memory of mine being stolen away from me in that instant. (so needless to say - I was more convinced then ever that I didn't want to be a part of this world anymore)

But I still couldn't bring myself to jump off a bridge or something.
(I had this ungodly fear that I'd wake up in a hospital somewheres, and simply be paralyzed instead of dead)
And my 'guaranteed solution' was no longer available to me either.



So I sunk lower then I thought was even possible.



I then found myself in a position where a friend of the family's was trying to bring me up out of this slump by putting me through excessive counseling / keeping me pumped full of drugs of all sorts that made me entirely too apathetic to care about what was going on to me at the time / and was doing everything she could do to paint me up to be the worthless piece of crap that I was, and let it be known to the powers that be that I was incapable of caring for myself anyway. (which was certainly true enough at the time) The 'plan' was to get me put on disability, and find some sort of government housing to live out my days in.

I was fine with that.

But then when this woman caught on to the fact that I wasn't just going to let her take advantage of me the same way this other family she was 'helping' had been - her true colors came out...and she passed me along to somebody else because I was no longer of any value to her.

And that's when I went to Ohio.

My mom was a crackhead / I was a druggie...this...was destined to fail. And again - I'm gonna spare you all the rigermoral behind all of this nonsense, but the important thing is that for the first time in a long while I was actually at least trying to do *something* with my life. (even if it was only because I was trying to score another hit) The important thing here is that I stopped waiting for the end, and started reacclimating myself with the mindset of going to work every day and doing something with my life again. And when I finally got sick of that scene and all the bullshit that comes with it - I did, in fact, find a way out.

I came back from the pits of hell.
And I was ready again to fight.

So I pulled a miracle outta my ass and found myself a place to live. I got myself a job / started getting my life back together again / and I'm ready to fucken FLY with this shit. But naturally (outta nowhere again) this bullshit with the gun from a few years back resurfaces, and the next thing you know - I'm back in jail again (and for a month this time) But I get that mess all figured out, and find myself a new place to live, and get a new job, and start bringing all these broken little pieces of my life back together again, and starting all over from square one...again.

But I'm fucken doing it.

And there have been some ups and some downs over the last eight months or so. (times when things seemed like they *might* be falling apart on me again / and times when I *thought* I had come up with a viable solution to my problems, which wasn't the case / and times when I've been down in a rut and just barely squeezing by / etc) BUT ALSO an overlying 'theme' that all these things I were going through were leading up to something fucken incredible here...something that was now so unbelievably close that I could practically taste it already.

And I can see my whole purpose in life lying before my eyes now, and understand the gestalt of all the madness that I've ever been through that's lead up to this point. (and why I needed to experience the things I did to get to where I'm at) And I can accept it all. And be grateful for it even.

But as is always the case - something unexpected happens.
(something that turns everything around in an instant)
And I'm left wondering what to do now.



And I find it comical that despite the fact that I've come a long way on this one, and that I don't generally wish for death anymore, and that I have things to look forward to that give me hope for a very bright future that is indeed almost completely within my grasps at this point...that I STILL find myself falling back to that 'ultimate answer' of mine...and that it still truly feels like that's the only answer I have.



Cause I know that I can always find another job, but I'm convinced that it won't come until it's already too late...if for no other reason then just simply because there's bound to be *some* time between jobs, and any 'extra' money I have set aside (read: next months rent) will undoubtedly have to go towards food and shit, and I won't be able to replace it by the time I would be needing it. (not to say that my roommate wouldn't work with me on this one and let me pay half upfront and the rest when I next get paid...only that there's the fear that I would wind up needing to pay rent in two increments from them on, cause I'd always be two weeks behind every month from then on)

So my mind reminds me that I could simply spend next month's rent on another gun instead - and my 'problem' would be solved.

At which point - I have to remind myself that I don't *really* wanna die.

Which is always inevitably fallowed by: "not yet, you're not...but just wait until you're back on the streets again, and you don't have the money to buy a gun anymore - like you do now" *hint*hint*

And then I say that that's not gonna happen because I'll just find a new job and everything will be kosher.

At which point my mind points out the fact of what happened last time I tried relying on THAT path  :rolleyes:

And then I realize he's right...and accept the 'fact' that this really IS the best solution to my problem.

Only to get all hopeful about something that I know isn't gonna work anyway. (finding a new job and all of that malarkey) So that I can hang onto these futile dreams that "yeah, this'll work" just long enough to realize that they won't...so that I can then find myself back in the mindset where I was wishing to god that I would have bought the damn gun when I had the chance.






suicide literally becomes the ONLY answer





And as it is right now:

- I find it ironic how it always seems to work out that way
- I find myself convinced that this is some sort of eternal loop that I am never going to be able to break free from
- I begin wondering why I keep trying *knowing* that things always fall apart for me right at the end anyway
- I remind myself that there is only one surefire way to get through all of this nonsense
- I re-remind myself that there's gotta be a better way
- I never seems to find one
- I beat myself up for not taking the easy way out when I had the chance
- I eventually find a way to remotivate myself, and start this whole nasty loop all over
(hoping it won't fall apart on me this time around)
- and it always does

and then I'm right back to whether or not I should buy the damned gun already and finish this bullshit once and for all



so you see - it always comes back to the gun  :craven:









and I leave this with you now because I'm likely gonna make the same 'mistake' I ALWAYS make in situations like these (trying to make things work) and I'd like to at least share this little insight into the inner workings of my own psychosis while it's still fresh in my mind...in hopes that if you ever come across someone else in this sort of situation - then *maybe* you'll understand what they're going through internally, and better be able to assist them in getting through it


--------------------


:craven:  Ravings of a Madman  :craven:


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InvisibleSilversoul
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Re: the funny thing about suicidal tendancies is that they NEVER go away [Re: Muppet]
    #7774305 - 12/18/07 03:46 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

the funny thing about suicidal tendancies is that they NEVER go away



Depends how you define suicidal tendencies. I've had a couple "cry for help" suicide attempts in the past, but I can't see myself going back to that anymore, even in the most depressing times. It requires a lot of deep, personal growth, but you can overcome such urges.

BTW, while I'm a big supporter of gun rights, it's my opinion that suicidal people should not have guns in the house. Just my $0.02.

If you're considering suicide, I suggest calling a suicide hotline instead:

1-800-273-TALK (8255)


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OfflineMuppet
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Re: the funny thing about suicidal tendancies is that they NEVER go away [Re: Silversoul]
    #7774925 - 12/18/07 06:36 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

there's a difference behind 'cries for help' and actual suicide tendencies...believe me I know



I *first* got into this gig back when I was initially put ina shelter, and began crying the blues about how this world was after me (and all that drama) but I didn't really become serious about it until after the curb stomp...cause that's when I truly DID want to die (it *literally* became 'physically' painful just to face the world on a day to day basis / and the idea of death becomes this incredibly release that I longed for with ever fiber of my being)

but I tried a number of times...and I failed
(everything from pill overdose, to drinking bleach an shit,
to straight up slicing the fuck outta my arms to make
damn well sure it would get the fucken job done)

and it never worked  :tongue:

so I eventually gave up on the idea (thinking that I *couldn't* get away from it no matter how hard I tried) but I always truly yearned for the absolute serenity that would come with 'shutting off them damned lights' once and for all

it was peaceful to think that I could escape

and it was HELL to *know* otherwise





but I accepted my 'hell'

and I continued on despite the fact that I felt there was no need to
(cause I was convinced that I wouldn't fucken last anyway)

and I pulled through it





...BUT...





I always always ALWAYS understood the fact that I didn't want to actually go through with it
(and had only been doing so because trying to simply starve to fucken death takes an INSANELY long amount of time)

and I was always too much of a pussy to jump of a bridge or something
(again - because of the ungoddly fear that I would fucken survive)

but I avoided 'death' SOLELY because I was convinced that I couldn't make that shit happen anyway





and it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I didn't genuinely *want it* to begin with  :tongue:


--------------------


:craven:  Ravings of a Madman  :craven:


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OfflineSyle
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Re: the funny thing about suicidal tendancies is that they NEVER go away [Re: Muppet]
    #7775104 - 12/18/07 07:20 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

i find suicide an odd behavior. why would something combat all natural tendencies to do whatever it takes to survive, and kill oneself? It can't merely be life experiences/or setting that cause it; natural tendency would kick in, force you to think of how to improve your situation, and then proceed to better the situation.

i am trying to better understand the identity behind the suicidal. i definitely don't disagree with suicide, I just don't understand it. and it's not because I am afraid of death, as I have had a couple NDE myself, and I will gladly shake the hand of death when it comes "naturally" (naturally being, not by my own choice).


--------------------
https://kenaisigh.bandcamp.com/ <- Just completed the 2021 RPM challenge for February - An EP in one month (5 songs or 20 minutes). Check it out!


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OfflineMuppet
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Re: the funny thing about suicidal tendancies is that they NEVER go away [Re: Syle]
    #7775113 - 12/18/07 07:23 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I dunno...I think maybe some people are naturally inclined for this sort of thing though  :shrug:


--------------------


:craven:  Ravings of a Madman  :craven:


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Offlinekidaihuan
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Re: the funny thing about suicidal tendancies is that they NEVER go away [Re: Muppet]
    #7791285 - 12/23/07 01:14 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Muppet, I really think you should go through with writing your book.

Whether it is about your life or not, I'm sure either way you would be able to write a amazing book.

Not only have you explained enough reasons in this thread alone why you could write a book about your life, but you have also shown us that you're capable of a damn good piece of writing, regardless of whether it is about yourself or otherwise.

I'm sure you'd be able to find some notebook and a pen you could keep near. Once in a while, start tossing down ideas or even a page or two. Work from there. You don't have to be working on it full time to write a book.

It'd keep something meaningful in your life and whether or not it made it big, it would always be something that a lot of people have wanted to do, but never have been able to. I'm confident that you could write a great book and if nothing else, it would be a great accomplishment - for anyone.


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OfflineMuppet
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Re: the funny thing about suicidal tendancies is that they NEVER go away [Re: kidaihuan]
    #7791365 - 12/23/07 01:52 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

thanx man



sometimes it's nice to hear shit like that  :craven:


--------------------


:craven:  Ravings of a Madman  :craven:


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InvisibleManInTheCorner

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Re: the funny thing about suicidal tendancies is that they NEVER go away *DELETED* [Re: Muppet]
    #7791450 - 12/23/07 02:32 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Post deleted by ManInTheCorner

Reason for deletion: sdl;akfj



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OfflineJoseLibrado
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Re: the funny thing about suicidal tendancies is that they NEVER go away [Re: ManInTheCorner]
    #7791644 - 12/23/07 06:56 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

The truth is that destruction is nessecary, if you are to create.

And creation is nessecary if you are to destroy then create again , etc etc.

In this we see that there are trully no things we need to do; concepts like making a name for ourselves, making something out of our lives, assumes that all good things like making something of our lives, are apart from the experience of bad things.

Life is a process, think of it like an orgasm, or sexual extacy, you need to NOT have the orgasm, you need those dry emotionless times, to feel that climax, that oOHHHHHHH, that IM ALIVE!!!

When i get depressed i get to the point of suicide when i fall in the illusion that BAD can indeed come without any forceeable good.

Yet this is impossible, if you consider scientifically speaking that the universe is infinite, it goes on forever it is self sustaining....and if bad is going to self sustain itself in this here existence of majesitc world, then GOOD is assured, no matter how absurd. There no need to dig for it to find a specific good thing that comes from it, in fact thats the fun in it.YOu go through fucking shiiiitttttt seeing no for seeable end, then the universe is like SUPRISE!!!

Fuck man, the only reason we think something so basic like eating is good, lies in the fact that en empty stomach FEEls bad.

Even when you fall back into the illusion, remember when you notice that you have fallen back into believing that some how bad things, suffering, comes without what makes it real, good, pleasure, remind yourself...illusion is nessecary for us, if we are to see what reality IS.





LOVE MAN
:heart: Peace


--------------------
The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.

And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.

Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.

Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....


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Offlinemushroomplume
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Re: the funny thing about suicidal tendancies is that they NEVER go away [Re: JoseLibrado]
    #7791820 - 12/23/07 09:17 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Mupp,

I didn't have time to read every post verbatim here, but going off what I did read.

I think a lot of people have a hard time relating to suicide because they've never truly experienced hopelessness nor have they been confronted with so many problems that make life seem no longer worthwhile. I don't think anyone who kills themselves actually wants to.

I live in Florida and we have a grocery store here called Publix which makes it very easy for someone to start off just bagging groceries, then end up making 80-100 grand a year after 15 or 20 years with the company. College isn't an option for everyone and if you have an opportunity to work hard with one company for a while and work your way up, I think that is great. As a matter of fact, the current Vice President started as a bag boy 30 years ago I believe. He just stayed with the company long enough to build relationships and gain a good reputation for himself.

My best advice is to just focus on the good things in your life and to try to maintain being steady. Make work a priority and keep your drug-use responisble. You're probably at an age where you can't afford too many more set-backs.

Much Love and Hope All Goes Well :hippie:



Edited by oliveplume (12/23/07 09:19 AM)


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Offlinesnoot
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Re: the funny thing about suicidal tendancies is that they NEVER go away [Re: mushroomplume]
    #7792757 - 12/23/07 02:29 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

The great thing about being alive, is the choice to not be. As I've always said, if you're not living you're dying. I think there is a healthy balance of thoughts of ending ones life that sort of invokes inspiration to not only keep living but make a desperate change in ones life.

Reading everything you wrote, the only thing that really bother's me is;

Quote:

So my mind reminds me that I could simply spend next month's rent on another gun instead - and my 'problem' would be solved.





To me, you're in the wrong state of mind, you need to find yourself, and find what IT is that makes yourself happy and want to live, whether it be a love or a hobby or golf for that matter, something to keep yourself motivated and too keep on keepin on. This goes for every single person in life, even the richest people on earth, face these same problems just in a different atmosphere. I wish you the best of luck, and I can only hope when faced with tough decision's, you think of yourself and the people that care about you.:boobs:


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I am incapable of conceiving infinity, and yet I do not accept finity.
- Simone de Beauvoir -


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