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Anonymous #1

Cheating on a partner?
    #7730325 - 12/07/07 07:33 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Have you done it and if so, how many times? Did you feel guilty?

If your so against it, why...where did you get the set of "values" that frown on sleeping with someone other then your partner?

Isn't it just another set of rules and conditions forced upon you since a young age, like so many others?

Share your cheating experiences
Have you ever engaged in sexual activites behind a partner's back?
You may choose only one


Votes accepted from (12/07/07 07:33 PM) to (No end specified)
You must vote before you can view the results of this poll



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Anonymous #2

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7730578 - 12/07/07 08:40 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Isn't it just another set of rules and conditions forced upon you since a young age, like so many others?

elaborate, what is "it"


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Anonymous #3

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #7730631 - 12/07/07 08:48 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I don't think the whole remaining faithful thing is a set of values instilled in you.

I think it just the key to a healthy relationship. How can you be trusting of someone when they go around fucking any person they want? Being faithful to another shows a deep sense of appreciation for the other.


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Anonymous #4

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #7730716 - 12/07/07 09:05 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Some species pair up and are mates for ever, some species fuck around. Humans do both.


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Anonymous #5

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7730776 - 12/07/07 09:17 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

STAL. I've never had a partner, but must see results.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #7730846 - 12/07/07 09:42 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Being faithful is about respect. Cheating is the ultimate disrespect.


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Anonymous #7

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7730896 - 12/07/07 09:56 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

i've cheated and slept with chicks who were cheating on their boyfriends. not too proud of it but fuck it.


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Anonymous #8

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #7730907 - 12/07/07 09:58 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

i slept with my girlfriend's older sister. It was pretty dope.

and i had a couple girlfriends at one time. They all got kinda pissed when they found out about each other.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #7731220 - 12/07/07 11:11 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Being faithful is about respect. Cheating is the ultimate disrespect.




How long have you felt that way? Why?

Has it been since you can remember? How is that not then just another set of values passed, or more like forced, upon you since childhood?

How would it be the "ultimate disrespect" IF(being the key word) it was considered perfectly normal?

It's like someone going naked out on the street because they personally feel it to be natural and right. But because of our conditioning, it's all like "ooh, bad...unnatural, perverted, just plain wrong, etc".

By no means am I trying to make an arguement for cheating, but it's hard to deny that for most, it's just a conditioned thought process...like most things in culture of course.

I'm actually surprised at the results as they stand now.

I myself have cheated, more than once. And of course I've felt extremely guilty. But knowing the guilt I would feel later on was never enough to stop me in the moment. It made me a little more apprehensive about doing it I guess.

As a person not normally wanted or needed, and in times of extreme unhappiness within a relationship, someone else special comes along...and wants me bad...needs me bad. And in most cases, despiting fighting it, I feel like I need them badly too.

What ensues is an undetermined amount of encounters, non sexual and sexual. At times it's just fantastic with the current partner, making me wonder why I did it(cheating) in the first place, but then other times that other person gives me what I'm needing...which I can't put my finger on, but it's something...sometimes sexual, sometimes non-sexual, even sometimes both.

It would seem it's just a case of being selfish, but it's not always bad to treat yourself good.

When it comes down to it, my conscience says I'm doing something really bad, but I'm still trying to convince myself that my conscience just isn't a conditioned by product of a fucked up society full of hypocritical, ignorant and down right screwy values.

Sometimes I think it's because my heart has been shattered and stomped on numerous times...and those were the times I was the bonified "nice guy". In those days, I would of never dreamed of cheating. Thinking back, I was actually really against it, calling down "cheaters" with hostility almost.

In the end though, I don't think I'm ever going to convince myself it's alright. I've had a woman in my life once upon a time, that I never would of even thought about cheating on...giving myself 100% to her and I will hopefully run into another again.


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Anonymous #9

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #7731260 - 12/07/07 11:28 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Being faithful is about respect.  Cheating is the ultimate disrespect.



to this poster:  :cheers:

and to then OP:  :thebird:




it has NOTHING to do with cultural conditioning

the fact of the matter is that if you truly care about someone - then you won't cheat
(cause deep down - you know just how fucken hurt you'd feel if they did it to you)



and it's not about 'moral obligations' or anything like that  :rolleyes:



if you want to be with someone - then you want to please them
(you want to 'know' that you are everything that they need)

and if they're sleeping around - then obviously you aren't fulfilling all of their needs
(and you aren't being the sort of person that you want to be)











it all comes down to feelings of inadequacy / and desire to live up to their standards

moral obligations don't even factor into the equation  :nonono:


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Anonymous #10

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #7731450 - 12/08/07 12:28 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

(you want to 'know' that you are everything that they need)




Ew, I don't, that isn't attractive to me. I would rather someone be free of mind/body/heart and know that they desire my company out of genuine affection, rather then some guilt trip resulting from mutual emotional co-dependency. If I had a partner that thought I was "everything they needed" I would probably have to sever ties pretty quick. That's a scary dependency. Maybe some people can deal with that type of attachment, but I can't.

"Cheating" doesn't even make sense to me, and only does if you place the weight of restrictions and secrets upon your love. Is the exclusive relationship a game? One way to play and win? I believe my definition of 'cheating' would therefore be not being truthful with those you love, no matter how many you believe that encompasses.

I believe cheating is dishonesty in general.


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Anonymous #11

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #10]
    #7731484 - 12/08/07 12:36 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

When I was a lot younger, a part of me wanted to find out whether love was real or not. I got the idea when my fuck buddy at the time revealed to me that he was getting engaged to his girlfriend, and couldn't see me anymore. Relax. I gave love the benefit of the doubt for a while. After all, being young and naive, wasn't there all a time when we placed too much faith in it?

But then, as I grew older, I started having sex with more and more guys who ended up being in relationships. Sometimes I knew, and sometimes I did not find out till later.

Yes. I am the girl that has sex with your boyfriend.

I began thinking to myself, there's no way real relationships could be this empty and devoid of substance... But there was only one way to find out for myself. So I set out on a conquest, to try and mount as many hitched men as I could, and see where it would go. During this long term study, I had sex with almost 30 men whom all had girlfriends, fiancees, or wives.

picked guys who varied greatly in both body image and personality. Drug users and non drug users. Party types and introverted types. Republicans and Democrats and independent party members. Religious followers and atheists. Younger college kids and older family types. Some were metalheads, ravers, bikers, bodybuilders, punkers, emo types, and even hippies (lol). Whatever their image, I always changed my own persona to appeal to my target's, in hopes of attracting them. Since I adore and appreciate all sorts of men, this was not difficult for me.

Granted, some guys took ages longer to convince than others. Some dropped their boxers the instant they thought they could without getting caught. Others took up to a half year to score. I even had to use alcohol or drugs with some (all consentual though, no "slipping" drugs or anything). While some may argue that people's characters change under the influence, what the fuck do you think is going to happen next time your b/f or g/f goes to a party and gets wasted then?

In the end, it didn't matter how serious they once claimed their relationship was. It didn't matter how much they swore they could ONLY love their girlfriends. It didn't even matter if they were already married and had kids. Even the ones that I thought were the most genuine and caring towards their lovers, I split them apart. I always, ALWAYS somehow found a way to maneuver myself into his pants.

People are so goddamn impressionable. A few swore to leave their current relationships for me. Some even said disgusting things like "Why can't my girlfriend be like you?"

My Conclusion:

I am convinced that if anybody is good looking and charming enough, they can brainwash ANYBODY under the right circumstances. Everybody out there who goes on taking their boyfriend or girlfriend for granted because they believe they would never cheat is deluded.

Genuine relationships might exist, but I know I'll never find it.


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Anonymous #12

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7731514 - 12/08/07 12:43 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:

It would seem it's just a case of being selfish, but it's not always bad to treat yourself good.

When it comes down to it, my conscience says I'm doing something really bad, but I'm still trying to convince myself that my conscience just isn't a conditioned by product of a fucked up society full of hypocritical, ignorant and down right screwy values.





You can't really believe that's it's purely societal pressures that make cheating "wrong."

You don't feel guilt because society trained you to. You feel guilt because you are stabbing someone in the back.

Cheating is not treating yourself good. It`s a despicable indulgence.

Quote:

As a person not normally wanted or needed, and in times of extreme unhappiness within a relationship, someone else special comes along...and wants me bad...needs me bad. And in most cases, despiting fighting it, I feel like I need them badly too.

What ensues is an undetermined amount of encounters, non sexual and sexual. At times it's just fantastic with the current partner, making me wonder why I did it(cheating) in the first place, but then other times that other person gives me what I'm needing...which I can't put my finger on, but it's something...sometimes sexual, sometimes non-sexual, even sometimes both.




If you are not mature enough to resist those impulses, then you don`t belong in a relationship with anybody. Grow up before you let someone count on you for companionship.


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Anonymous #12

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7731526 - 12/08/07 12:47 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:

When it comes down to it, my conscience says I'm doing something really bad, but I'm still trying to convince myself that my conscience just isn't a conditioned by product of a fucked up society full of hypocritical, ignorant and down right screwy values.

Sometimes I think it's because my heart has been shattered and stomped on numerous times...and those were the times I was the bonified "nice guy". In those days, I would of never dreamed of cheating. Thinking back, I was actually really against it, calling down "cheaters" with hostility almost.





Sounds like you have shit self-esteem. Try not to fuck up too many other people`s lives while you`re at it.


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Anonymous #13

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #12]
    #7731582 - 12/08/07 01:09 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I don't want to be with someone who sleeps around.
Most likely, the same will go for someone else.

Thats why. It's not a question of conditioning it's a question of respect.


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Anonymous #13

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #13]
    #7731586 - 12/08/07 01:09 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Unless of course you are some dick who cheated on your partner and are trying to justify in some illogical manner.


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Anonymous #11

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #13]
    #7731685 - 12/08/07 01:47 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Monogamous relationships are not for people who value freedom. It's like, this inherent contract where your rights and choices become entitled to another person's... not only do lose the right to love other people (obviously, it's implied in the name), but you also lose the right to even THINK about wanting to be with another person. The selection of people you hang out with become limited, your drug use turns into a problem, your religion offends them, you are required to notify them of your wherabouts the previous night, the list continues. Every issue you have chosen for your life has the potential to turn into an intense session of interrogation. It's completely psycho.


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Anonymous #14

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #11]
    #7731712 - 12/08/07 02:00 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Monogamous relationships are not for people who value freedom. It's like, this inherent contract where your rights and choices become entitled to another person's... not only do lose the right to love other people (obviously, it's implied in the name), but you also lose the right to even THINK about wanting to be with another person. The selection of people you hang out with become limited, your drug use turns into a problem, your religion offends them, you are required to notify them of your wherabouts the previous night, the list continues. Every issue you have chosen for your life has the potential to turn into an intense session of interrogation. It's completely psycho.



I'm sorry you feel this way, but this obviously has to do with your experience of monogamy, and not what healthy monogamous relationships can be.


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Anonymous #10

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #11]
    #7731731 - 12/08/07 02:07 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Monogamous relationships are not for people who value freedom.




I totally agree with this.


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Anonymous #9

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #14]
    #7731746 - 12/08/07 02:14 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

yeah...no shit  :lol:



'monogomy' is about two people wanting to be together
NOT two people feeling they 'have to be' together  :shake:


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Anonymous #12

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #11]
    #7732500 - 12/08/07 10:11 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Monogamous relationships are not for people who value freedom.




That's just retarded. That's like saying respect for another person is a restriction of your personal freedom. You always have the choice to do whatever you want. When you are in a relationship, there are consequences to indulging your impulses to fool around with somebody else. And not just for you. There are consequences to every action. You are free to step in front of a bus if you think it's worth the consequence.

Quote:

It's like, this inherent contract where your rights and choices become entitled to another person's..




Like I said, you can act however you like, relationship or not. You can lie and cheat on your girlfriend if you want. A lot of people are doing this thing called 'respect' where they treat people like they would like to be treated.

Obviously monogamous relationships are not for you, at least not yet.


Quote:

The selection of people you hang out with become limited, your drug use turns into a problem, your religion offends them, you are required to notify them of your wherabouts the previous night, the list continues. Every issue you have chosen for your life has the potential to turn into an intense session of interrogation. It's completely psycho.





Ah ok.... obviously you are speaking from your own experience here. You have to assert your own rights and privacy in a relationship. If you don`t think it`s reasonable to tell the other person where you were last night, you have to make that clear. If she won`t budge, you`re with the wrong person.

If you think your drug use is reasonable, say so.

To figure out if something is reasonable, ask yourself if you would expect the same treatment. Put yourself in their shoes. From your post it sounds like that never even occurred to you.


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Anonymous #15

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #7733590 - 12/08/07 02:59 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
yeah...no shit  :lol:



'monogomy' is about two people wanting to be together
NOT two people feeling they 'have to be' together  :shake:




Indeed! :smile:


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Anonymous #11

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #12]
    #7734185 - 12/08/07 05:40 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
That's just retarded. That's like saying respect for another person is a restriction of your personal freedom.




Respect for another person is for people who know what's good for them.

Quote:

You always have the choice to do whatever you want.




If somebody gets in my car and points a gun at me and tells me to drive from point A to point B and I do it, this technically also means I had the choice. Although I wouldn't necessarily call that freedom.

Quote:

When you are in a relationship, there are consequences to indulging your impulses to fool around with somebody else. And not just for you. There are consequences to every action. You are free to step in front of a bus if you think it's worth the consequence.




I fail to see the correlation. Equating the indulgence of an impulse to cheat, to getting hit by a bus? Worst use of a metaphor ever. I'd compare it more to engorging in an ice cream sundae when you are supposed to be on a strict diet.

Quote:

Like I said, you can act however you like, relationship or not. You can lie and cheat on your girlfriend if you want. A lot of people are doing this thing called 'respect' where they treat people like they would like to be treated.




Who says I would care if my boyfriend cheated on me? There are certain occasions I'd actually encourage it, especially if I pissed him off somehow.

Quote:

Obviously monogamous relationships are not for you, at least not yet.




Don't even act like you're more evolved than me emotionally. I'm not the one that's dependent on another person here.

Quote:

Ah ok.... obviously you are speaking from your own experience here. You have to assert your own rights and privacy in a relationship. If you don`t think it`s reasonable to tell the other person where you were last night, you have to make that clear. If she won`t budge, you`re with the wrong person.

If you think your drug use is reasonable, say so.

To figure out if something is reasonable, ask yourself if you would expect the same treatment. Put yourself in their shoes. From your post it sounds like that never even occurred to you.




For starters, I shouldn't have to enter a new relationship knowing my partner has a huge list of things he intends to change about me. Why am I expected to do such a thing in the first place?


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Anonymous #16

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #11]
    #7735044 - 12/08/07 10:46 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

All this sums up to a degradation of global integrity.


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Anonymous #17

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #7735054 - 12/08/07 10:50 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I have but will not ever do it again.

Didn't get caught once, but it felt like shit on the inside. I'm a nice guy and it sucks :shrug:

The only way she could even know now is a few of the people I hang out with..who cared though.

Bottom line : No


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Anonymous #18

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #7735063 - 12/08/07 10:55 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I have cheated plenty, but never more than 2 twice on the same girl, after awhile the guilt trips stopped occuring after the fifth time.

That said, I have cheated, and have been cheated on. The way I looked at it as, the karma wheel coming back around and have had no hard feelings about. Talked to her today as a matter of fact. But hey, thats life!


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Anonymous #17

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #18]
    #7735111 - 12/08/07 11:15 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I was with that girl for 4 years though.

Never got over it.
With alot of women as well :wink:

Just won't do it again myself.
Waiting to be cheated on though...


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Anonymous #19

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7735904 - 12/09/07 09:53 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Don't cheat on your partner.

If the magic is failing and you can't rekindle the fire you should part ways gracefully before stuff likes cheating starts happening that;ll make your eventual parting feel like your heart gets ripped from your chest.

If you loved her.. don't do this to her.


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Anonymous #12

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #11]
    #7735991 - 12/09/07 10:24 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
I fail to see the correlation. Equating the indulgence of an impulse to cheat, to getting hit by a bus? Worst use of a metaphor ever. 





Yeah relationships are more like car-jackings. :rolleyes:

My point was that you have choices.  You can make ones that hurt yourself and others or ones that don't. You have the freedom to not be in a relationship if you want. 

Quote:

I'd compare it more to engorging in an ice cream sundae when you are supposed to be on a strict diet.




^^^^This is the point you are consistently missing.  There is another person involved.

Quote:


Who says I would care if my boyfriend cheated on me? There are certain occasions I'd actually encourage it, especially if I pissed him off somehow. 





That's definitely an unconventional point of view, but I won't judge.

Sorry I thought we were talking about monogamous relationships here.  If you don't care if he fools around with other people, and he doesn't care if you do, then it's not monogamous.  It's not cheating. 

Quote:


Quote:

Obviously monogamous relationships are not for you, at least not yet.




Don't even act like you're more evolved than me emotionally. I'm not the one that's dependent on another person here.







I didn't say I was better than you.  If you think there's no reason not to cheat in a monogamous relationship, then monogamous relationships are not for you. Period.  Either that or you don't know what monogamous means.

Quote:


Quote:

Ah ok.... obviously you are speaking from your own experience here.  You have to assert your own rights and privacy in a relationship.  If you don`t think it`s reasonable to tell the other person where you were last night, you have to make that clear.  If she won`t budge, you`re with the wrong person.

If you think your drug use is reasonable, say so. 

To figure out if something is reasonable, ask yourself if you would expect the same treatment.  Put yourself in their shoes.  From your post it sounds like that never even occurred to you.




For starters, I shouldn't have to enter a new relationship knowing my partner has a huge list of things he intends to change about me. Why am I expected to do such a thing in the first place?




Who says you have to?  Not every relationship is like ones that you have had.  If I was with somebody who had a list of 'improvements' to make on me, I'd end it (I have been and I did exactly that.)  Like I said, make clear what you are willing and not willing to do for that person.

You don't have to be in any relationship.  If you don't like the one you're in, if you can't reason with the other person, why stay in it?  Different people have different expectations.  You decide if your partner's expectations are reasonable.


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Anonymous #20

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #7736393 - 12/09/07 12:21 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
Being faithful is about respect.  Cheating is the ultimate disrespect.



to this poster:  :cheers:

and to then OP:  :thebird:




it has NOTHING to do with cultural conditioning

the fact of the matter is that if you truly care about someone - then you won't cheat
(cause deep down - you know just how fucken hurt you'd feel if they did it to you)



and it's not about 'moral obligations' or anything like that  :rolleyes:



if you want to be with someone - then you want to please them
(you want to 'know' that you are everything that they need)

and if they're sleeping around - then obviously you aren't fulfilling all of their needs
(and you aren't being the sort of person that you want to be)











it all comes down to feelings of inadequacy / and desire to live up to their standards

moral obligations don't even factor into the equation  :nonono:




i agree that if you truly cared for someone you wouldnt cheat.

but i believe formal relationships and monogamous partners are something learned.  i believe that formal relationships are a type of cultural conditioning.

id never cheat on someone i agreed to have a monogamous relationship with, but i cant ever see myself making that relationship last very long.

you will always meet new people.  you will always be attracted to others.  why deny all attraction?  i understand not indulging in EVERY attraction, but i see it unhealthy to avoid them all.

so i am in between.

i wouldn't ever cheat on someone i truly cared for and agreed to stay monogamous with, but i just do not see it as healthy to deny so many other feelings.

if i were to want to sleep with another i would just tell my other partner and if that meant separation and the other feelings were that important to me then i would end it before i cheated.


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Anonymous #21

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #20]
    #7739671 - 12/10/07 09:06 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I cheated on someone I loved a long time ago. Not just once, either. It was a full on fuck-fest for like 6 months. I had no shame at the time.

Now things are different. Every time I think about that person who loved me while I was cheating on him, I feel terrible about it. I kind of want to track him down and apologize...but I don't want to bring up a past that is certainly better off in the past.

I would never, ever do it again. Ever.


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Anonymous #16

Re: Cheating on a partner? [Re: Anonymous #21]
    #7740911 - 12/10/07 02:25 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

^ Ha Ha. You're livin' with Guilt.


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