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OfflineTheBulb2005
Human


Registered: 12/20/05
Posts: 309
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Girl Problem
    #7717882 - 12/04/07 10:55 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Hey guys,

Haven't posted on Shroomery in a while, but thats because I've been really busy with school work.

Anyways, I have met this new girl at school and I find her extremely attractive. So I started talking to her and I really dig her personality. I think shes kind, she likes to thing deeply into things (just like me), shes open minded and intelligent. Overall I feel like we can get along pretty well, and I would definitely want to date this girl. However, there is one huge thing which is bothering me.

I myself am a recovering addict. I have been sober from all drugs (I used most of them, except for heroin and methamphetamines) for over one year, with the exception of a small relapse that I took care of. This girl that I am very interested in smokes weed daily, and drinks on the weekends.

Lately I have been trying to deal with nostalgia for the past, and reoccurring memories, emotions, thoughts, and feelings that I have had in the period of drug abuse. My last girlfriend drank often, and I tried to change that by lecturing her and making things difficult for her. In the end the relationship died, and now I realize that there is no way to change a person.

So the question is..continue pursuing this girl or leave? I find a paradoxical complication. In relation to her drug use, I am attracted to it and at the same time am repelled by it. I find it attractive to me because I feel like people who have had an addiction (especially those who have consumed a lot of psychedelics) can understand a really big part of me that I feel no one understands. The drugs I consumed didn't just provide me with an experience to remember, but rather a completely new and permanent perspective and way of perceiving things that ultimately make me feel isolated because of their overwhelming nature.

So now I am in a position where I am highly attracted to this girl (both because of how she looks and her personality) and I do not know what to do. I feel like the right thing to do would be to stop going out with her in order to save myself the stress that would come in a relationship with someone who still uses drugs. At the same time I feel like I should be more accepting of this issue and not let something like that get in the way, and perhaps let things play out.

Advice much appreciated


Edited by TheBulb2005 (12/07/07 12:37 PM)


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Offlinemushroomplume
Stranger

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 1,395
Last seen: 14 years, 19 days
Re: Girl Problem [Re: TheBulb2005]
    #7717932 - 12/04/07 11:12 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

If you think you can be in a relationship with her and not use drugs, I say go for it.

I don't see the harm in smoking pot with her or something like that. Are you trying to remain 100% sober, free from any kind of drug?


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OfflineTheBulb2005
Human


Registered: 12/20/05
Posts: 309
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Girl Problem [Re: mushroomplume]
    #7718029 - 12/04/07 11:49 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I am trying to remain 100% sober. In addition, Id say its more of a problem that she uses because it reminds me of how I was and what I used to feel and think during that time period. Those are things that make me want to use drugs more and become nostalgic.


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OfflineMushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
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Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
Re: Girl Problem [Re: TheBulb2005]
    #7718128 - 12/05/07 12:25 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

So then why do you want to stay 100% sober? I am asking that because I think it is important to make things clear, for yourself, why you chose this way.
From what I see, the problem is yours not hers.
Maybe some self discipline would do your good when it cones to manipulating your nostalgia's.


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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Offlinemushroomplume
Stranger

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 1,395
Last seen: 14 years, 19 days
Re: Girl Problem [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7719201 - 12/05/07 11:05 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

If I was you, I would just go for the girl and if she did want to do drugs with you at some point time, what is the harm in smoking a joint or doing shrooms?

If she insists on you banging some dope or something though, just say no and smoke a joint with her while she shoots up.

You can still do drugs and be responsible. You don't have to shoot heroin to have fun on the drugs.


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OfflineTheBulb2005
Human


Registered: 12/20/05
Posts: 309
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Girl Problem [Re: mushroomplume]
    #7719263 - 12/05/07 11:23 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I find it kind of disturbing that this community is insisting I continue my drug usage. I understand that the vast majority of people on these forums are using drugs currently, but I have made a decision that I am going to stick to and have worked through for over a year now. Telling me to start up drugs again is exactly the opposite advice I should be receiving, especially from such a supportive community as the Shroomery. If anyone has any advice that does not suggest I restart my drug usage, then I would really appreciate it.


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Offlinemushroomplume
Stranger

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 1,395
Last seen: 14 years, 19 days
Re: Girl Problem [Re: TheBulb2005]
    #7719280 - 12/05/07 11:28 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

My apologies Bulb. I definitely see the harm that could arise from prescription pills, opiates, and alochol. But when it comes to marijuana I have a hard time telling people they shouldn't use it.

Best of luck with your decision.


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OfflineNiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
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Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
Last seen: 14 years, 8 months
Re: Girl Problem [Re: TheBulb2005]
    #7719373 - 12/05/07 11:57 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

An important question that you must ask yourself is whether being with her will facilitate your growth and development as an individual, or whether you will stay stagnant or even regress. It seems that you are afraid of regressing due to her influence. You must also ask yourself what it is about her you find so appealing. You've used the word 'nostalgia' a number of times. Perhaps you are attracted to her because a part of you wants to go back to the good times you had when you were abusing drugs. Your attraction to her may be a part of processing your feelings regarding that major phase of your life. We tend to be attracted to people we see ourselves in. I am certainly drawn to people who are stuck in the same patterns I'm working through, as though my being around them will help them through it, thus validating the work I've done on myself. (It doesn't work.) I wonder if there isn't some sense of this tendency in your attraction to this girl.

If you come to the conclusion that your feelings for her are anything like what I've described above, than I would recommend pulling back. Unless you feel like entering a romantic relationship with her has the true potential to help you grow into the person you want to become/are becoming than don't go there. If she's just going to be a bump in your road, than it's not worth it. You could certainly be friends with her, but developing a strong emotional bond with someone who draws you into feelings and behaviour you are trying to leave behind is not a positive step to make.

You may want to reconsider what qualities you are attracted to in potential partners. This may sound silly, but it's really illuminating - try writing a pro's and con's list of qualities you want and will not accept in potential parters. From what you have said, it seems like you should put frequent drug use in your 'absolutely not' column.

And as a side note, it does really annoy me how many people on this board have an inflated positive regard for frequent drug use. It may be fine for some people, but come on dudes, it isn't for everyone! As a reaction to the anti-drug hysteria, some people go overboard on the opposite side of the spectrum. The key with drugs is responsible, moderate use. When a person recognizes that they have a problem with regulating thier consumption of anything (including weed,) it's pretty uncool to tell them to keep dosing.


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OfflineLion
Decadent Flower Magnate
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Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,775
Last seen: 3 days, 18 hours
Re: Girl Problem [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7719555 - 12/05/07 12:41 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

One of the best posts I've ever read on the Shroomery. :thumbup::mushroom2::hippie:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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OfflineNiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
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Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
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Re: Girl Problem [Re: Lion]
    #7719574 - 12/05/07 12:48 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Thanks bug! I like to fancy myself an amateur psychoanalyst. I'm good at it because I've fretted so much over my own recurring issues. :smirk:


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OfflineOHSnap
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Registered: 08/29/06
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Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
Re: Girl Problem [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7721678 - 12/05/07 08:14 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Wow, amazing post NiamhNyx!!!!


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OfflineSapphireCat
Seeker
Male


Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 613
Loc: Ireland
Last seen: 13 years, 1 month
Re: Girl Problem [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7721698 - 12/05/07 08:17 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

you clearly feel very strongly about remaining completely sober. i dont see a harm in pursuing her. if she offers you drugs, just say no. if this is a problem for her, or if she tries to pressure you into using, then she can't be all that open minded. and if she doesnt respect your choice, she isn't worth entering a relationship with.

i second niamnyx's advice aswell. wouldn't have even thought of those points. great post


--------------------
Beauty of style and harmony and grace and good rhythm depend on Simplicity ~Plato


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Offlineweephar
The Consultant

Registered: 05/03/05
Posts: 694
Loc: USA
Last seen: 3 months, 9 days
Re: Girl Problem [Re: TheBulb2005]
    #7721832 - 12/05/07 08:45 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

TheBulb2005 said:
I find it kind of disturbing that this community is insisting I continue my drug usage. I understand that the vast majority of people on these forums are using drugs currently, but I have made a decision that I am going to stick to and have worked through for over a year now. Telling me to start up drugs again is exactly the opposite advice I should be receiving, especially from such a supportive community as the Shroomery. If anyone has any advice that does not suggest I restart my drug usage, then I would really appreciate it.




I see what you are going through and wouldn't use at all...unless you want to. I am pretty sure that you don't, so don't even question that. If you don't think you can date her and not use, then you should probably leave. You have to decide what is more important, sobriety or her. I would be surprised if you don't already know in your heart what you should do...and if you don't then you probably know what you will do.

One other thing to consider, though, is what are her feelings? Does she feel the same way about you? Have you asked her to not use around you? Maybe she can adhere to that when you are around or maybe she won't want to or maybe she has a problem herself and won't be able to?

In the end though, you just have to decide is it possible to keep your sobriety and stay with this woman and if not, is it worth risking your sobriety to be with this woman. If not, then as they say "there are plenty of other fish in the sea".

I don't know how low your bottom was for your addiction or your story for that matter, but for a lot of people addiction will lead them to a dark place where the end result will probably be jails, institutions or death, and if you think that might be where you will end up if you date this girl, then for yourself, the healthy choice is to stay away.

Good luck and be safe.

(sorry, if i sounded preachy)


--------------------
Life is good! (and it is also a journey)

Free Rudd!


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Offlinefunnygirl
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Registered: 12/06/07
Posts: 7
Last seen: 15 years, 10 months
Re: Girl Problem [Re: weephar]
    #7722976 - 12/06/07 02:01 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

that's a big problem. this is my opinion, based on what you say here, well for me don't leave the girl. You said you like her, try to change yourself first. Avoid that kind of addiction what you have now, and then when you do that, try to talk to your girl and said that you've change a lot and encourage her to stop that addiction. It feels to good to help our loved ones. And that addiction is not good to both of you. It can kill you..


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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
Last seen: 14 years, 8 months
Re: Girl Problem [Re: funnygirl]
    #7723872 - 12/06/07 10:52 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Ugh, no. Don't get with someone thinking you can change them or help them or any of that nonsense. It's a recipe for disappointment and regression. You can't make anyone into what you wish they were, even in small ways. I've gotten with people many times thinking 'oh they're perfect except for this little thing. I can help them work through it and then everything will be good.' No. This is a delusion. What I needed to do instead was ask myself why I wanted to 'help' them through something, and then reevaluate what I'm attracted to. I can tell you, you can't change anyone else, but you can change what qualities you are drawn to.


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InvisibleGGreatOne234
Stranger
Registered: 12/23/99
Posts: 8,946
Re: Girl Problem [Re: TheBulb2005]
    #7724369 - 12/06/07 12:47 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

TheBulb,

Maybe you would find a better match at a church, lots of sober people there for the most part.

Another option is the dreaded AA/NA meetings :uptosomething:


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OfflineTheBulb2005
Human


Registered: 12/20/05
Posts: 309
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Girl Problem [Re: GGreatOne234]
    #7725193 - 12/06/07 04:16 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

GGreatOne234 said:
TheBulb,

Maybe you would find a better match at a church, lots of sober people there for the most part.

Another option is the dreaded AA/NA meetings :uptosomething:




hahaha, no I'm not that picky. For the most part, I can deal with occasional drinkers/smokers (in terms of a relationship).

In response to above posts, I'm not afraid of relapsing as a result of a girl, but rather just having to deal with the big gap of sobriety vs being stoned everyday.

I agree completely with NiamhNyx, and this is also the advice my mom gave me (Mothers and NiambNyx give good advice). I think I will let time unfold a little more before I make an definite decisions.

Thanks for all your time guys.


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OfflineNiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
Female User Gallery

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
Last seen: 14 years, 8 months
Re: Girl Problem [Re: TheBulb2005]
    #7725516 - 12/06/07 05:51 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Does she smoke pot before or during time spent with you, even though she knows it bothers you? Does she know it bothers you? Is there a possibility for a compromise here? (Like, her not being stoned everytime you hang out, either waiting until after or doing it a couple hours before you get together...) I think you are right to be taking your time. I also hope that you are talking to her about this, and not just leaving her confused and uncertain about what's going on between you.


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OfflineSurReality
PsychAdemic
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Registered: 12/21/06
Posts: 11,808
Loc: Colorado, USA Flag
Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
Re: Girl Problem [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7728190 - 12/07/07 10:44 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

it seems she has her drug habit well under control... i you do get with this chick, make it an equal priority not to pressure her to quit as you want her not to pressure you to start.


--------------------
ProDOPEFiend Diary: (my public diary)

PodCast


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OfflineMushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
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Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
Re: Girl Problem [Re: SurReality]
    #7728719 - 12/07/07 01:20 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

SurReality said:
it seems she has her drug habit well under control... i you do get with this chick, make it an equal priority not to pressure her to quit as you want her not to pressure you to start.




:thumbup:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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