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ShroomyJay
Stranger

Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 287
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The "clear white light" and repressed memories (HELP needed)
#7680054 - 11/25/07 10:09 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Last night I had a very disturing experience, and I'm trying to make sense of it. Any help is appreciated.
I was by myself in my apartment, and decided to eat 1.4 grams of cambodians. I'd had a pretty good trip off of 2 grams one week ago, so I figured this was a safe dose.
An hour later, I was barely feeling anything, so I figured some tolerance must still be lingering from the weekend before. So I ate another gram.
Another hour later, and I was feeling peaceful and on the edge of entering psychedelic space, but I also felt like I had already peaked and was coming down. So I downed another 0.7 grams to see what would happen. This comes to a total of 3.3 grams.
After about a half hour, I was convinced that the tolerance from the weekend before was not going to let me reach the level I was seeking. So I decided to give up for tonight. I was also feeling just a bit nauseuos, so I smoked a bowl. I only took two hits, and I suddenly found myself in a nice, pleasant, trippy mindest, complete with closed-eye visuals. Everything seemed fluid and comforting. I was having a good time.
At some point, the nauseau became worse. I also started to feel a strange presence, one that seemed malevolent, and was trying to get me. I got up and started to walk around the apartment, trying to get my mind off whatever this presence was, but wherever I went, it continued to manifest itself.
I didn't want to throw up despite the nauseau, but eventually it overcame me, and I vomitted twice into my kitchen sink. I've never thrown up on shrooms before. I could see little bits of whole mushrooms in the vomit, which made me wonder whether the nauseau had been due to my not chewing them completely (I don't like the taste).
But for what it's worth, I felt a lot better once it was out of me. I went to the bathroom and drew a bath to try to relax. The sound of the rushing water sounded extremely ominous, but I stayed there knowing that a nice bath would help calm me down. And that it did. Pretty soon, I was back in my relaxed mindset from earlier. I thought I was done.
So I decided to finish the bowl I had packed earlier. And once again, it put me right back into the trip, visuals and all. Somehow I came to the realization that the malevolent entity I had been running from earlier is actually a repressed memory involving my parents. They divorced when I was three, and I have absolutely no memories preceding their divorce. There's something there that's been haunting me my whole life, and has been the cause of a considerable amount of day-to-day anxiety, especially in my recent life. I knew that I would eventually have to bring this memory to the surface and deal with it, but I just didn't feel ready.
My experience sitting in the bath continued to be pleasant for a while, until something very strange started happening. It was like all the neurons in my brain wanted to start firing all at once. When this happened, my vision would start to fill with orange light, and I speculated that if I continued to allow my brain to do this, it would culminate in the "clear white light" experience that a lot of people have experienced on psychedelics. But I wasn't absolutely sure that this is what was happening. What if this was actually the onset of a seizure? I had no way of knowing, and I didn't want to risk having a seizure. (Mind you, I have never had a seizure in my life, but I've read about people having them on shrooms.)
Some kind of presence continued to invite me to allow the light to take over me, but I just couldn't get over my seizure fear. The feeling of all the neurons in my brain firing at once was too disconcerting. It continued for about a half hour, until the assaults finally ended, and I went to bed and slept for 12 hours uninterrupted.
My question for anyone willing to give me advice is, does the sensation I was having resemble the come-on of a clear-white light experience, or was it the onset of a seizure?
And finally, how does one deal with overcoming the fear of uncovering repressed memories. It's like I really want to pass that threshold because I think it would help my mental well-being, but I'm just to frightened to actually take that step. Which is why I end up fighting it, and having a bad trip. I just can't seem to conquer that fear.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Edited by ShroomyJay (11/25/07 10:46 PM)
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ashfiken
TotalCrazyasshole


Registered: 09/06/06
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Re: The "clear white light" and repressed memories (HELP needed) [Re: ShroomyJay]
#7680082 - 11/25/07 10:26 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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i would agree that the sensation sounds about right to the white light experience i have had but the part about it beginning with an orange light im not so sure about. this could easily be because i allowed myself to fall into the light so quick when it happened that it skipped this part. but either way if you're a healthy individual then i wouldnt stress over possible seizures... just let it go... same goes for the repressed memories just let it all go and flow over you and whether through bad trip or not it will be overcome
-------------------- hmm... "I'm naked and fearless... And my fear is naked." "life isn't worth living without the threat of death" "I got my plans in a ziploc bag, let's see how unproductive we can be" "nobody lives their lives fully except for bull fighters" My Trade List
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sirbojangles
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Re: The "clear white light" and repressed memories (HELP needed) [Re: ShroomyJay]
#7680107 - 11/25/07 10:39 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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if you have PTSD then i would suggest telling someone who could help
its a pretty serious condition
of course, they used to use psychedelics as treatment for PTSD so maybe you just need to trip and face the memory
anyway, im no doctor
so ask someone who might know more
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yageman
already dead


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Re: The "clear white light" and repressed memories (HELP needed) [Re: sirbojangles]
#7680336 - 11/26/07 12:52 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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I dont think this has much of anything to do with a "clear white light".
Sounds exactly like an anxiety attack.
Your whole brain "firing" at the same time is pretty important though. People find different things in that place, or almost nothing at all. You were scared of a very psycho-physical/psychosomatic reaction.
We all have different maps within our heads. This sounds like it has alot to do with ego and not the maps that guide consciousness, which is the core or what I gather the white light experience to be.
You can find a death like substitute within a heavy psychedelic experience. It doesnt matter what color it is.
If you can deal with the mass of info/memories in your head, you might find comfort in this ability. If you can prove to yourself that you can do it, then nobody can prove you wrong.
Its a pretty safe place to be.
My parents divorced when I was 8 years old, not three.
Psychedelics have offered me much more frightening shit than that simple fact and how it applies to my life.
I have only experienced clear white static. Some audio-visual phenom that is so seperate of the self that my parents divorce was loved by some infinite set of overminds that weighed all cognitive objects. A search for the golden mean. That process quickly srays away from the self because for one thing, you get over your individuality.
White light, night light, shmite light. Dont fear the reaper.........lol
I dont think the divorce has much to do with your anxiety. I think that state of mind scares you more than the information that it may reveal. What you find there will likely be comforting.
I have only read about such a white blinding light in the bible, or other sacred texts. I have seen its retarded younger brother though no doubt, and the next step for me, is to die and see where that half-bridge takes me.
Its a process, and I think you might want to focus on your self before loosing your self on psychedelics.
That place is not too far away, and if you deal with that on psychedelics you might have a really rough experience.
Sobriety is a great tool. You can make your self ready for anything a psychedelic might throw at you. Things that are selfless. Things that are inherently divine.
This struggle is what seperates the real psychonauts from those who strive to forget how to tie their shoes.
-------------------- [quote]Me_Roy said: You moron. Material is material is material. No 'thing' fixes any situation. If anything were so simple we would be living in a much better world.[/quote] <-----the dumbest thing I have ever read in my life. Thanks shroomery.
Edited by yageman (11/26/07 12:55 AM)
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undergrounder
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Re: The "clear white light" and repressed memories (HELP needed) [Re: yageman]
#7680365 - 11/26/07 01:09 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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shroomy the sensation of the neurons wanting to fire all at once sounds exactly like the sensation that you feel before you have an OBE or before you fall into sleep paralysis. It's also interesting considering that almost all sleep paralysis hallucinations involve a malevolent presence that manifests itself in different ways. Just a thought.
On repressed memories though, there is a LOT of criticism of them in the psychology community, far too many turn out to be proven false and its far too easy to create false memories when you dwell on them or induce them under hypnosis. I'd be very skeptical of any false memories you have, and make sure you try and find out more objectively about the memory before you confront someone or get too worried about it. Your symptoms remind me more generally of a general anxiety disorder or such similar. Also i wouldn't trust that anything seen or thought on psychedelics is true at all.
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RIP Bigger and bolder and rougher and tougher in other words sucka there is no other...
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kake
The answer to1984 is 1776.




Registered: 05/06/99
Posts: 2,782
Loc: The 66th harmonic
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Re: The "clear white light" and repressed memories (HELP needed) [Re: undergrounder]
#7680431 - 11/26/07 01:59 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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I'm not sure if what I had once was a white-light experience - it didn't envelope me like many reports suggest. However, it was finding the core of my consciousness. Like yageman suggests, I was able to completely visualize my stream of thought and trace it back as far as I could remember until I saw this very bright white bar of light from which all of my consciousness was stemming from, like roots from a tree. It was a very revealing experience, and it took place on LSD.
With mushrooms you may have been encountering that state of connectedness with the universe. Do you live in an old house? An apartment building? It's possible you may have just been picking up strange vibes that surround you and gave you that 'presence' feeling.
-------------------- The answer to 1984 is 1776.
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ashfiken
TotalCrazyasshole


Registered: 09/06/06
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Re: The "clear white light" and repressed memories (HELP needed) [Re: kake]
#7680492 - 11/26/07 02:56 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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p.s. for those who have not experienced it the white enveloping light kicks eternal ass. nothing has ever been more powerful in my life... besides maybe my day to day love for the people i care about
-------------------- hmm... "I'm naked and fearless... And my fear is naked." "life isn't worth living without the threat of death" "I got my plans in a ziploc bag, let's see how unproductive we can be" "nobody lives their lives fully except for bull fighters" My Trade List
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Ego Death
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Registered: 04/27/03
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Re: The "clear white light" and repressed memories (HELP needed) [Re: ShroomyJay]
#7681286 - 11/26/07 10:33 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Thats made me rush reading that.
I have been envoked by the clear white light, I was in a complete state of ego loss, there was no me, no body just a perception of this white light.
It certainly wasn't a negative experience. Returning to my body was almost painful. It was as if my brain had suddenly tried to quantify what this light was and what was happening and by doing that, my self was back and I returned to my mind wondering what had happened.
I've never spoke to anybody else thats had the same/similar experience.
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ShroomyJay
Stranger

Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 287
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Re: The "clear white light" and repressed memories (HELP needed) [Re: Ego Death]
#7681873 - 11/26/07 01:29 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Thanks for all the great replies.
I'm still a bit concerned about the sensation of all my neurons trying to fire at once. Doing a google search on seizures, I came across a lot of quotes like this one:
"if every neuron in your brain is firing at once that is called a grand mal seizure"
Anyhow, I've ever only had that sensation, as well as the sensation of a malevolent presence trying to "get me", when combining psychedelics with weed. And in this case, both times I smoked and shortly thereafter had a bad experience that lasted for about the same amount of time as the weed. So I won't be doing that combo again...
Edited by ShroomyJay (11/26/07 01:30 PM)
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ShroomyJay
Stranger

Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 287
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Re: The "clear white light" and repressed memories (HELP needed) [Re: ShroomyJay]
#7681951 - 11/26/07 01:50 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Oh, and BTW, I do have mild anxiety disorder. Xanax generally keeps it at bay when I trip, but I think the weed might have overpowered it.
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