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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
Last seen: 14 years, 10 months
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Emotional abuse
#7660925 - 11/20/07 10:27 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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How is emotional abuse defined? How does one determine when it is going on? How does one recognize when one has been either a victim or a perpetrator? What degree of responsibility does the victim have for recognizing the position they are in, and what degree does the perpetrator have for being abusive if they are not fully aware of what they are doing? At what point should one cut thier losses and abandon a relationship that they once thought was worth working on? (For clarification, by relationship I don't necessarily mean just romantic relations, but friends and families as well.)
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lIllIIIllIlIIlIlIIllIllIIl
Stranger
Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 11,123
Loc: Texas
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7660943 - 11/20/07 10:31 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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check your ratings for an example of emotional abuse
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Veritas
Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,089
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7660963 - 11/20/07 10:39 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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The term "emotional abuse" is generally used to describe behaviors which are calculated to disturb the well-being of another, but which do not involve physical contact.
If the person on the receiving end of these behaviors is free to end the relationship (whatever that may entail), then they are fully responsible for the choice to continue to experience these behaviors. However, if the abuser is in a position of power (parent, boss, teacher, doctor), then the abused party is not responsible, and must seek legal remedies to equalize power in the relationship.
In the case of equal participants, the point at which one should cut their losses depends upon the subjective cost-benefit analysis of the relationship. I've found that my tolerance for emotional abuse is inversely related to my sense of self-worth. At this point in my life, any degree of deliberate emotional abuse would render a relationship worthless to me.
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group
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Posts: 45,441
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: Veritas]
#7660987 - 11/20/07 10:47 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
any degree of deliberate emotional abuse would render a relationship worthless to me.
What if I offer $100 an hour to shout epithets at you?
You hippie veghead, you!
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
Registered: 09/01/02
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: Veritas]
#7661156 - 11/20/07 11:35 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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What if it is not "deliberate" in that the perpetrator is not aware of the fact that they are being abusive? Because it seems to me that quite often, the abuser is not aware of what they are doing, and rather are just kind of fucked in the head and not dealing very well with thier power issues and lack of self esteem.
And is the person on the recieving end completely responsible for remaining in it if they are not aware, or not completely aware, of what is going on? What if they explain away the bad behaviour with all sorts of reasonable sounding excuses, like "oh, he doesn't mean it. He's just confused... or insecure..." or whatever.
It seems like "victims" of abuse often see themselves as a sort of counsellor to the abuser, that they can help the person get over what is making them act poorly. As if just being loved enough is gonna fix them.
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7661257 - 11/21/07 12:07 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Your words are like daggers through my heart.
*Shmoopy dials the suicide prevention hotline*
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Rahz
Alive Again
Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,336
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7661299 - 11/21/07 12:23 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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For me, its giving away some negative emotion so that the "load" is lightened. In this sense most people are abusers and victims, it's just a matter of degree. I think it's impossible for anyone to be fully aware they are being abusive, and the only victims that may be fully aware would be those who are held against their will.
Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics comes to mind.
So I guess one should cut their losses when they've learned enough about themselves to know they deserve better. Recognizing one is a victim or perpetrator comes about by becoming more aware of the abuse. It is really just an exchange of energy in which one person wants to know what it feels like to inflict pain, and the other wants to know what it feels like to receive pain. It is the evil twin of polarity, which is two opposites helping each other to create wholeness.
Oddly, the abusive person is their own victim, and will feel as badly as the abused, even if it appears otherwise. The victim is also abuser, as they are in charge of tolerating the whole affair. The victim has just as much control as the abuser. They are opposites and they are the same.
-------------------- rahz comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace "Human beings are born with different capacities. If they are free, they are not equal. And if they are equal, they are not free." ~Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: Rahz]
#7661310 - 11/21/07 12:28 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
The victim has just as much control as the abuser.
*Shmoopy puts Rahz on Ignore*
I feel so empowered!
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Rahz
Alive Again
Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,336
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I feel so abused.
The truth is a very emotional thing.
-------------------- rahz comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace "Human beings are born with different capacities. If they are free, they are not equal. And if they are equal, they are not free." ~Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
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Posts: 3,198
Last seen: 14 years, 10 months
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: Rahz]
#7661356 - 11/21/07 12:43 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Thanks to those who've responded. I just realized that my roommate has been emotionally abusive to me for the duration of our relationship (we dated, and then were just friends for awhile before we moved in together.) I realized this when he came in my room yelling and berating me for having left eggshells in a pot after boiling eggs a couple days ago. I have told him before to never yell at me, because I find it intimidating and humiliating and will not respond positively, yet he did it again, worse than ever. In the midst of sobbing, it came like an ephiphany that emotional abuse has underscored the dynamic of our relationship in a variety of ways, from the yelling which is brand new, to the avoidance and distance punctuated by brief moments of closeness and accessibility, which is the shit that I hung onto, and which is what he manipulated me with.
I think this is the point where I have no choice but to pull out of this friendship. I just tried to confront him on it, saying that what he did was abusive and that I wouldn't tolerate it and first he laughed at me, and then started arguing. That how I feel is 'bullshit' and that he's in the right. He thinks it's ok to be domineering and intimidating over a dirty dish. I am actually afraid that he could be physically aggressive. He holds back, but I see the tendency in him.
This is really embarrassing. I've always thought of myself as too aware and intelligent to get into that kind of pattern... that my patterns aren't the best, but that at least I wasn't the type to get into a situation of abuse. I just fucking sucks that he's my roommate.
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Rahz
Alive Again
Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,336
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7661375 - 11/21/07 12:51 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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I'm glad you realize you deserve better. I don't think anyone is to intelligent to avoid these lessons. At least you are learning, while he is not. You move on, and perhaps at a later date, he will move on.
-------------------- rahz comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace "Human beings are born with different capacities. If they are free, they are not equal. And if they are equal, they are not free." ~Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7661379 - 11/21/07 12:53 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Rotting food left out for days? Is that not disrespecting as well?
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
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Eggshells don't rot, Orgone. Not in 2 days. And there is a difference in scope between the offense of forgetting to wash one dish, which may certainly warrant a "Hey dude, I want to use this, could you wash it now? It's really fucking annoying that you left it," and fucking screaming and trying to inimidate someone you supposedly care about over anything, especially over something so trivial. It wasn't just yelling, it was a particular type of yelling. It was the kind of yelling intended to shame, intimidate and humiliate, and it scared the shit out of me. I do not think it is appropriate to be in a situation where I am afraid of my roommate. It was a mega power trip on his part, and there was no way I could respond except to try and preserve my dignity in the face of being attacked. It's been awhile since I've been so fully in 'fight or flight' and the feeling didn't dissipate until I fell asleep. I feel better this morning, but I'm still pretty unhappy about it, and about the cloud it puts over my living situation and thus my life in general.
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soulcircus
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Re: Emotional abuse *DELETED* [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7662888 - 11/21/07 12:57 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Post deleted by soulcircusReason for deletion: .
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: soulcircus]
#7663068 - 11/21/07 01:33 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
NEVER let ANYONE get into your personal space without your FULL psychological permission
Yes, this is one of the most important things I've realized concerning my own mental health and peace. Sadly, emotional abuse is something that happens more often than one might think and that it's important to detect it's many forms. Anyways, Nia, I think that no matter how complicated it might get for your living situation, it's far more important that you get rid of this person in my opinion. Continuing like that would only make you feel trapped and suffocated
-------------------- All this time I've loved you And never known your face All this time I've missed you And searched this human race Here is true peace Here my heart knows calm Safe in your soul Bathed in your sighs
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Veritas
Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,089
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Quote:
OrgoneConclusion said:
Quote:
any degree of deliberate emotional abuse would render a relationship worthless to me.
What if I offer $100 an hour to shout epithets at you?
You hippie veghead, you!
Then it would be a job, not a relationship.
Seriously, though, if I agreed up front to be yelled at, and there was compensation for the time spent tolerating the rant, it would not bother me. I don't think I would stay in the job long-term, though. But when someone has agreed to love and respect me, and then they start yelling, that is unacceptable.
No friendship, job or lover is worth being subjected to someone's out-of-control rage issues.
I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with this, NN. Get him out ASAP, or move out yourself, as it is truly toxic to feel unsafe in your own home.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7663436 - 11/21/07 03:08 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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At what point should one cut thier losses and abandon a relationship that they once thought was worth working on?
I have always tried to cut my losses when I became convinced that the person was totally invested in their current POV.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
Last seen: 14 years, 10 months
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: Icelander]
#7664086 - 11/21/07 05:56 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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That's a good point Ice. So far I've figured this guy has been interested in getting over his emotional baggage, but when I told him I wouldn't tolerate emotional abuse, and he laughed, then argued and made excuses ("if you just did the dishes I wouldn't have to be abusive,")...that is when I realized he probably hasn't actually made a commitment to work on his shit. I've decided to tell him he has one chance, but if he ever raises his voice again, or manipulates or demeans me in any way, he's out of the house. It's also possible that I'll be leaving as I might be fortunate enough to be in a position to buy an apartment. If that pans out I'll be the one to go, but if not than plan B is giving him one last chance. As for our friendship, the only way it'll be salvaged is if he makes a massively sincere effort to earn my trust back.
I think it's about time I abandon my saviour complex and stop pretending that I can help people through thier emotional issues by virtue of being an example of it. Only people who make a firm commitment to working on themselves, no matter the difficulties or hard truths they'll have to face, are worth the effort and nurture I constantly offer. Well, there's one more hard lesson for me. I think I'm going to write a list of qualities I want and don't want in people I let into my life. Maybe having it on paper will make me more cognizant of it when the wrong people turn up.
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adrug
Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 15,800
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7664135 - 11/21/07 06:12 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Someone I was very close to began to verbally abuse me a few years into our relationship. I was called just about every name in the book. I let this go on for months until one day, we were fighting, I finally had enough of his yelling, and was going to go outside to get some air (and get away from him). He grabbed my arm and wouldn't let me leave.
I was not raised in a household where people yelled or use physical violence. We talked about our feelings and dealt with them in (mostly) adult ways. But I guess his family wasn't raised that way. Because he thought it was okay to just scream obscenities at me and keep me from leaving of my own free will. Not long after that he locked me out of our apartment, and finally I said GO, leave, get AWAY. Thankfully, he left. I was a mess for a long time. I'd like to say that I'm strong enough not to have let this affect me, but I'll be damned if it doesn't still affect me to this day in some ways. Its horrid. And I can't see how anyone could do that to another person.
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Clean
the lense
Registered: 05/11/03
Posts: 2,374
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Re: Emotional abuse [Re: NiamhNyx]
#7664164 - 11/21/07 06:17 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
NiamhNyx said: ("if you just did the dishes I wouldn't have to be abusive,")
that comment is most revealing. ditch this asshole... he yells at others about taking responsibility yet won't even take responsibility for his own state of mind.
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