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bereft
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I don't know why but...
#7656763 - 11/19/07 08:51 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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I am not a regular around here, but I have been having some problems that I would like other people's opinions on if anyone is willing to listen.
A bit of background; I am 26, married for 4 years, and a two year old daughter.
For the last year and a half roughly, I have been finding myself toying with homosexual ideas in my head. I have talked to my wife, seen a counselor, and been trying to understand exactly why I am thinking this way, and trying to come to term's with it.
For the last 3 months I have had an infatuation with a guy I have been friends with for over 12 years. We have been close friends since grade school and know each other rather well. I never have had sexual feelings towards him, but rather like he is a comfortable person to be around.
So. Recently I have really been asking myself about my orientation. After long thought I have come to the conclusion that I am strait, and that since I have never dealt with my sexuality that I am doing it now later in life.
Last night after hanging out with my friend for a couple hours I was finding myself wondering if my friend was trying to hit on me. I was getting a bit excited with the thought and then I decided to flat out ask him if he has had any feelings towards me.
Then I got extremely embarrassed for asking the question, and told him in a rather stumbly and awkward way that I was not sure if I had feelings about him. I told him that I was trying to figure out this side of me for the past few years. and the past few months I was not sure if I was getting feelings for him.
His response was that of shock. He told me he does not think of me that way. I asked what will happen now with our friendship, He told me just to drop it. I said good, then that I will not bring it up again.
Now I am feeling extremely embarrassed, not sure what to do with myself. I talked to my wife about what has been going on, told her what happened last night. She has been very open to my recent problems and has givin me alot of patients and understanding about this.
After thinking all day about what has gone down, I am really feeling like I am not homosexual at all. and that I have been entertaining those thoughts because of my overacting imagination. I feel sick to the stomach that I even brought up the question with my friend. and I don't know how I can look him in the face again.
I realize I brought this upon myself. I have nobody else to blame except me. I have not hurt the relationship with my wife as far as she tells me, but I feel bad about her having to put up with me this way.
I guess I feel scared and alone in this subject. I know it is nothing to worry about, and that many people before me have gone threw much worse. But at this point of time it is hard to understand myself.
Well, Thanks for reading if you did. If you have any questions/comments, please do.
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lbtchnlgs
Feel like a Stranger



Registered: 04/12/07
Posts: 672
Last seen: 9 years, 6 months
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: bereft]
#7656781 - 11/19/07 08:55 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Well look at the positive side, now its out in the air. It must be very uncomfortable right now but as with everything else things will subside. You said you don't have any homosexual feelings anymore- maybe this is what you needed to straighten things out with yourself.
Sounds like you've got a good, loving, understanding wife. I hope things work out for you. Stay strong it'll all work out in the end.
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bereft
New Dude
Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 16
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: lbtchnlgs]
#7656829 - 11/19/07 09:12 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Thank you for the positive words.
My wife is awesome! She has been there for me during the worst points of my life, and she still loves me. I really do love her.
Quote:
You said you don't have any homosexual feelings anymore- maybe this is what you needed to straighten things out with yourself.
These have been the thoughts running threw my head all day. This is how I feel. I realize I hurt my own ego, Which I can deal with. I am worried I hurt a good friendship and my wife too.
But like you say, it will subside in time. I hope in a few months we can laugh at it.
Thanks again for the quick response. Recently I have gained a huge respect for the gay community and for all who have gone threw this kinda shit before. My situation is not bad compared to other's stories I have heard. My hat is off to them.
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GGreatOne234
Stranger
Registered: 12/23/99
Posts: 8,946
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: bereft]
#7656871 - 11/19/07 09:27 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Hm, that would really creep me out if I was that friend of yours. I've had gay guys hit on me before a few times, and I get kind of pissed off with them and let them know very clearly that there is no way in hell I would screw around with another dude.\ Seems like that is what your friend did to you, only in a whole lot nicer of a way than I would have went about it.
I think you stepped over the line with your friend.. and your wife is probably wondering if she wants to be with a gay/bi guy or a straight man who only into women. Id be more concerned about what my wife thought about your homo-vibes 100X's more than this dude you were hitting on thinks.
Anyways, I have probably given some of the worst relationship advice in the history of this forum:) so take it all with a grain of salt when it comes to my opinion on relationships.
If I had been friends with a guy as long as you have with this guy, and you did this to me, I would probably still be your friend. But if you got all gay on me a second time Id probably end up punching you in your face, either that or never really associate with you again. When a straight guy turns you down like that, don't ever bother him again about it. It discusts us.
Good luck man.
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WScott
´ ɑ `▽ ᑲᓇᑕ


Registered: 07/31/05
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: bereft]
#7656876 - 11/19/07 09:29 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Maybe he was lying.
--------------------

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bereft
New Dude
Registered: 02/25/05
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: WScott]
#7658074 - 11/20/07 07:57 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Well, yea. I am more concerned about my wife than my friend.
My wife knows I have been going threw these problems. I really am scared I did step over the line with her and that she is just brushing the situation off without telling me what she really thinks. But she says she understands. She had a similar thing happen to her ( she was the one hit on by another girl ) and she has told me she has gone threw her own problems/questions like this before we were together.
As far as my friend goes, yes he did deal with the situation rather well. The odd thing is that he has also been acting in a way which would come across rather gay.
Well my main concern is my wife and child. I feel alot better that this situation is out there in the open, and I do feel secure in myself. If I have lost a friend, then I guess that is the way it goes.
I have never known embarrassment like this before. my priorities are my wife and child. It may take a while before things are back to "normal" but at least I have been myself and honest during the whole situation.
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WhiskeyClone
Not here


Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: GGreatOne234]
#7658114 - 11/20/07 08:25 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
GGreatOne234 said:
If I had been friends with a guy as long as you have with this guy, and you did this to me, I would probably still be your friend. But if you got all gay on me a second time Id probably end up punching you in your face, either that or never really associate with you again. When a straight guy turns you down like that, don't ever bother him again about it. It discusts us.
^^^ This is an unfortunate point of view of many straight men, even in the 21st century; that there is something inherently threatening about somebody being honest about their feelings. It may be a bit of a shock to have a friend suggest he's gay, but anybody who thinks that's a reason to punch someone in the face is no friend at all.
Bereft, hopefully your friend is less childish about this situation. If not, then cut your losses and be grateful your wife is more understanding. But really think about this; you say you now believe you were mistaken and that you are indeed straight. Make sure you are honest with yourself, if nobody else.
There are countless instances of gay men who married women to try to deny their sexuality. Society's draconian views of homosexuality place immense pressure on these men to continue to deceive their families and themselves. Still, to continue in denial is an act of cowardice, and it always leads to heartbreak for the adults and children involved.
I don't know you who anything about whether you're gay or not, but don't just sweep this under the rug. Address this.
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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Lion
Decadent Flower Magnate



Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,775
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: WhiskeyClone]
#7658123 - 11/20/07 08:30 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Excellent advice, WC. It's possible too that he's bisexual, as unimaginable as that may seem. 'You mean it's not always one or the other??'
-------------------- “Strengthened by contemplation and study, I will not fear my passions like a coward. My body I will give to pleasures, to diversions that I’ve dreamed of, to the most daring erotic desires, to the lustful impulses of my blood, without any fear at all, for whenever I will— and I will have the will, strengthened as I’ll be with contemplation and study— at the crucial moments I’ll recover my spirit as was before: ascetic.”
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bereft
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Registered: 02/25/05
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: bereft]
#7658143 - 11/20/07 08:38 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Thanks to all the responses. an unbiased opinion really helps me figure shit out.
In conclusion, this event has solidified my views. I know where I stand within myself. I may have hurt a friendship, and possibly lost trust in my wife, but I will need to work on affirming my relationship with my wife.
One more question I have is if I should bother to tell my friend that my problem has been my understanding of myself, and that I don't really have feelings for him, but rather that night I was trying to explain my inward confliction to him so there is no misunderstanding between us.
I definitely need a few day's to decide if I should talk to him again, and waiting a few day's will probably allow things to cool down if I have pissed him off.
Anyways thanks again for the help
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bereft
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Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 16
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: bereft]
#7658147 - 11/20/07 08:40 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Thanks to all the responses. an unbiased opinion really helps me figure shit out.
In conclusion, this event has solidified my views. I know where I stand within myself. I may have hurt a friendship, and possibly lost trust in my wife, but I will need to work on affirming my relationship with my wife.
One more question I have is if I should bother to tell my friend that my problem has been my understanding of myself, and that I don't really have feelings for him, but rather that night I was trying to explain my inward confliction to him so there is no misunderstanding between us.
I definitely need a few day's to decide if I should talk to him again, and waiting a few day's will probably allow things to cool down if I have pissed him off.
Anyways thanks again for the help
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Newbie
User of semicolons.



Registered: 07/18/04
Posts: 24,710
Loc: SoCal
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: bereft]
#7658183 - 11/20/07 09:18 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Mind over matter man, mind over matter.
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bereft
New Dude
Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 16
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: WhiskeyClone]
#7658468 - 11/20/07 10:52 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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WhiskeyClone,
I didn't notice your post before I made mine.
Quote:
There are countless instances of gay men who married women to try to deny their sexuality. Society's draconian views of homosexuality place immense pressure on these men to continue to deceive their families and themselves. Still, to continue in denial is an act of cowardice, and it always leads to heartbreak for the adults and children involved.
I have spent many hours pondering this. I know I love my wife, and that I do want to spend the rest of my time with her. I know that may sound a bit fairytale-ish but she has shown her love for me on several testing occasions.
We are open about our personal problems to each other, which we don't judge each other by anymore. We have had our relationship in some rough places before, when she had gone out for dinner with a guy who had the hot's for her for a free lunch, and another time when she hooked up with an old boyfriend. We were about to split up both times, but we worked it threw. I do trust her, and I believe she trust's me as well.
I have not really thought about the possibility of being bisexual. What started my confusion was that I was curious about anal stimulation. I tried it on myself and thought it was alright. I told my wife about it and we tried it and I thought it was alright. Then I started to worry that I was gay.
What made me think that I had an attraction to my friend was that he is the only male friend I have who I have been completely honest with in my life.
Back in my elementary school day's I was the outcast as well. I was teased that I was gay for most of my teen years because I was an extremely introverted computer geek. Same with my friend. Except he was into music instead of computers.
He also seemed to be hitting on me on several different occasions, which I may have Miss-took, but they seemed genuine. Then I imagined what it would be like to be with him, and I got a bit aroused.
The thoughts that aroused me would only do so momentarily. Then I would feel guilty about it.
If I think of the same kinda thoughts about other guy's, then nothing happens. No arousal, attraction, or anything like that. But girl's on the other hand I have no problem thinking about...
So yea, guy's don't get me going. Girls do. I feel like I owe my friend an apology. But I just don't know how to get across the same points I have made in this thread to him in a good efficient way yet. Time will have to tell.
Bla! I think I have spent enough time figuring this out for today!
NewbieShroomie: You are right, it really is mind over matter. I have given the situation more mind than I need to at the moment.
Thanks again to all of your opinions. The more I think about it and get this off my mind, the smaller of a problem it is seeming. Which is good.
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mushroomplume
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Registered: 10/16/06
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: bereft]
#7665078 - 11/21/07 10:18 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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If I was that friend, I would be uncomfortable if you were trying to hit on me, but not if you suddenly became gay.
bereft, you have to be either bi or bi-curious. you are going to have a very difficult time figuring this all out because of your family situation. you're going to have a large part of yourself trying to claim that you are straight in order to keep your life neat and organized.
i would just see a shrink and talk to him about how you feel. remember, being a faggot is not evil anymore. it's ok to be a fag in this day and time
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sleepy
zZzZzZzZz


Registered: 01/17/05
Posts: 3,888
Loc:
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just take this, dude, as what it is. you misread the situation. it happens all the time for me, mistakes are made, just forget about it. if you put it out of your mind you will feel better. "mulling" over thoughts you don't want is no way to get rid of them. just forget about it and learn something for "next time" if you can (ie. don't assume that everything you perceive really exists, and don't put things out on the table if you don't have to that you would be embarrassed if you were wrong). sounds like your friend is cool, be thankful he can forget about it. OM
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JoseLibrado
return


Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 569
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: sleepy]
#7666709 - 11/22/07 11:46 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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I think what you are saying is that you worry or fear that if you do enjoy sexual fantasy with male energy you must change the way you act and live. But consider this:
What involves your choice to be sexual with someone?
If your answere involves things that have to do with character. Then why lable yourself gay striaght or bi. I know i like sexual acts with both male and female energies, but i know that there are some girls and guys who i gag at the prospect of sex with, mind you i thought the were attractive at first.
I think this might be the reason you worry at times about it. You believe in the question given to you by a society that thinks it is a must to categorize and focus expression of love which is; what are you..straight, gay or bi.
From this question leads to the various ways of life that we attribute to them and so where you conflict most, is in the very notion that your going to have to change how you act towards others.
I know this is what usually happens to me. Till i realize 'no matter what i decide to do, who i am will stay the same' then i laugh and on to the next life question.
Oh and GREATONE234. I think you may want to rethink why you would punch someone for hitting on you, it does not seem to make sense. I mean, would you punch an overly ugly women, who you think it would be disgusting to have sex with you, if she was hitting on you?
Like you i had thoughts of the same nature, before i began to stop fearing the act, got in touch with it and saw that it is just a way of expressing love.
Think twice about the way you think about it, it may fill your life with more peace, as it has filled mine.
I suggest this because we have been indoctrinated with views of homosexuality from a young age. I know that it wasnt directly taught to me either so it seems like it wasnt true, but the reality of life is that the ideas you get about certain aspects of life, come to be from direct encounters such as a preist telling you it is wrong to have sex with men or indirectly, as in watching how your parents and the rest of society, accepts and feels towards it.
peace upon everyone.
^.^ ^6^ ('.')
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
Edited by JoseLibrado (11/22/07 04:57 PM)
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GGreatOne234
Stranger
Registered: 12/23/99
Posts: 8,946
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: JoseLibrado]
#7666865 - 11/22/07 12:30 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Well, I wouldnt punch any body really like that for doing this. I was just talking out of my ass basically. The point I was trying to make was that if a good friend of mine repeatedly tried to fag out on me more than once than I would personally be pissed off by their attempts.
I think I was just reverting back to my younger days, with best friends that we had been best friends with eachother for 10-15 years. Best buds. After drinking a bomber of whiskey or something similar we would fight eachother just for the heck of it. Just to see who would win, and then laugh about it the next morning. Drunken hippie fights fueled by massive amounts of alcohol and boredom and testosterone. It wasnt too big of deal back then, and I cant say Ive done anything like that for a very long time.
Anyways, just to reiterate, I wouldnt punch him for continuoulsy fagging out on me, but I certainly wouldnt appreciate it.
Time for thanksgiving dinner.
GG
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JoseLibrado
return


Registered: 04/21/07
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: GGreatOne234]
#7667550 - 11/22/07 05:01 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Thats true...i wouldnt appreaciate it, even if a girl was hitting on me. I wouldnt be able to appreaciate being treated like an object of manipulation.
Like a slot machine, where if you pull the right leaver you get 'jackpot!!!' Its happened to me once before, recognizably. I try to flow with and keep going, but sometimes the way of thought of that person is too strong and i get angry.
But i realized that when i am angry at someone it is mislead. The only reason that person is doing what they do, is because they have been mislead to believe that i am an object of manipulation. And not a life.
Peace out hommes.
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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bereft
New Dude
Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 16
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: JoseLibrado]
#7669512 - 11/23/07 08:41 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
I think what you are saying is that you worry or fear that if you do enjoy sexual fantasy with male energy you must change the way you act and live. But consider this:
What involves your choice to be sexual with someone?
I think I understand what you are saying/asking. I did worry that my situation means I am identifying myself as gay or bi, which are both societal labels.
That is partially true. I do worry that if I am labeled, then I will have to act different, and people (namely my family) will treat me like shit.
Out where I live, the majority of people are mennonite. Being gay is not accepted here. two people I know have been excommunicated from town because of coming out of the closet.
But..
The more I think about the situation, the more comfortable I am with myself.
I am still embarrassed as hell though that I did ruin a long time friendship. I know that he will keep the situation to himself out of respect for me, but I think he lost some respect for me too.
Well, at least I am starting to deal with this part of my life. I do feel like I am being honest with myself. I can be myself now since I finally stopped bottling this part of me up. I know this is not done and over with now, Each day I still figure out a bit more. Ultimately my daughter is the most important person in my life right now. Her happiness and development is what matters most to me.
It is funny. If I think of my daughter in a similar situation when she gets older, as a father I feel like I would want to be there for her no matter what she would be going therw. and no matter what problems she faced were I would be happy for her.
Thanks again everybody. This forum is full of some good people!
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: I don't know why but... [Re: bereft]
#7670804 - 11/23/07 02:20 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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You have done nothing to him other than be honest. Good for you. That takes guts. Now if he can't handle that fact that you were just exploring some ideas and feelings then you can do much better in the realm of friendship. I have done the same with a friend a few years ago. Nothing came of it and we still are best friends and love each other dearly. Friendship means acceptance. Most people don't realize this and don't make really good friends. You did nothing wrong. AT ALL.
Sexuality is a complex issue for all of us. Love and sex don't always come in the same person. It's all up in the air.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
Edited by Icelander (11/23/07 02:23 PM)
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