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OfflineMushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
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Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
Bad news breaker
    #7637309 - 11/14/07 08:32 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

So my mother called me today to tell me that one of her friends has cancer and then she gave me all the details about how she's doing chemo and her hair is falling and how she's super depressed and crying all the time.
A few days ago, a similar thing where she told me about another friend of hers who had a misscarriage.
Thinking about it, at least once every few weeks I hear stuff like these from her, all of them presented in the same dramatic manner and each time I ask her to stop telling me these things because it's none of my concern.
To which she always says "I couldn't help it".
Then she always complains about how sad life is and she has this constant state of depression somewhere in the background even though she almost never experiences any sad event herself. My suspicion is just that she loves to feel sad because she just loves to feel like a victim. And that she needs to make those around her feel the same.
Thinking about all that from another perspective, she has provided with many examples of what it's good for me to avoid being. :tongue:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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OfflineLion
Decadent Flower Magnate
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Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,775
Last seen: 3 days, 19 hours
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7637330 - 11/14/07 08:40 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

I've got some bad news.

...............
..............
.............
.........
........
.....
...
..
.
.

I have nothing meaningful to contribute to this thread.

:smile::thumbup:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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Invisibledaytripper23
?
Male

Registered: 06/22/05
Posts: 3,595
Loc: Flag
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7637352 - 11/14/07 08:45 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

I love to wallow to some radiohead or king crimson, always to music. Its funny that i find myself really enjoying it. Whats more is i feel better afterwords even though my sadness is seemingly completely abstract to reality. Im actually generally happy (though quite a bit paranoid) but every once in a while I feel like doing this, usually for no apparent reason. I dont ever share the actual feeling though, not because I think it might hurt another, I would be just to vulnurable


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Invisibledemiu5
humans, lol
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Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium Flag
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7637373 - 11/14/07 08:51 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

my mom often tells me the terrible things that are happening in her friends'/acquaintances' lives. i try to tell her the same thing 'this is none of my concern' but she takes it offensively an as me being a cold-hearted, non-compassionate person

bad news is bad news


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David


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InvisibleMiddlemanM

Registered: 07/11/99
Posts: 8,399
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: demiu5]
    #7637380 - 11/14/07 08:53 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

I sent my mom a copy of "The Secret" DVD.

I know, it's convoluted and materialistic, but it has helped her become much more positive.


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OfflineLion
Decadent Flower Magnate
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Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,775
Last seen: 3 days, 19 hours
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7637406 - 11/14/07 09:01 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

K, I thought of something to add.

I say, let her tell you!  Thought it's her trip for sure, and not yours, it is compassionate imo to listen when another being wants to tell you something.  By listening and just being present for her, maybe you can help her see more clearly that she is suffering needlessly. 

As I told you on PM, my family's pet bunny died recently and I could tell my mom was so depressed about it, really devastated, while I was more of the mind to cherish the creature's beauty but know that ultimately it had no separate identity, it was just another beautiful natural form.  I often felt while the bunny was alive that as soon as my mom became attached to it she was already mourning its inevitable passing.

I wrote the haiku

a form leaves the earth,
fragile as a blade of grass;
the river endures


and she responded by asking, "So, is there nothing good in the world?  Is it all suffering?"  The river metaphor seemed too cold and impersonal.  I tried to think of something worthwhile to say but all I could think of was some crap about practicing tonglen and knowing you aren't alone in your suffering.

Anyway, did I have a point?  Um...  I don't know, I think it was up there somewhere, I'm tired as heck.

'Night. :grin:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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OfflineMushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
Female User Gallery


Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: demiu5]
    #7637410 - 11/14/07 09:02 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

demius said:
my mom often tells me the terrible things that are happening in her friends'/acquaintances' lives.  i try to tell her the same thing 'this is none of my concern' but she takes it offensively an as me being a cold-hearted, non-compassionate person

bad news is bad news




Yes, I'm being told the exact same thing. :smirk:
I think it's just a more or less (depending from case to case) unconscious method of trying to make their listeners feel guilty and share their agony.
For a while it worked, I guess until I realized what she was doing, and since then I simply don't pay any attention to these remarks. :shrug:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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OfflineMushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
Female User Gallery


Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: Lion]
    #7637457 - 11/14/07 09:20 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

bug said:
K, I thought of something to add.

I say, let her tell you!  Thought it's her trip for sure, and not yours, it is compassionate imo to listen when another being wants to tell you something.  By listening and just being present for her, maybe you can help her see more clearly that she is suffering needlessly. 






In this case I think that listening is not such a good thing to do, even though I understand where you're coming from.
But in my opinion this is not compassion but indulging. The difference is quite subtle but there is one. And this consists of the fact that what I find to be truly compassionate (and more efficient and healthy) is to reason with her. It's true that it doesn't works but this is simply because she is a comfortable place feeling like that. I can understand and accept that since I'm not here to dictate her what to do, but all I ask for is to stop telling me about it.
If she consciously decides to poison her mind with this kind of crap, it is her problem, but she could also respect my decision in not telling me, especially in this case in which I explicitly made this request.
Now, getting back to simply listening, I'm more than sure that it would be interpreted as a sign of giving in, of indulging her to tell me sad stuff. Which is exactly what I don't want.

Quote:

As I told you on PM, my family's pet bunny died recently and I could tell my mom was so depressed about it, really devastated, while I was more of the mind to cherish the creature's beauty but know that ultimately it had no separate identity, it was just another beautiful natural form. I often felt while the bunny was alive that as soon as my mom became attached to it she was already mourning its inevitable passing.

I wrote the haiku

a form leaves the earth,
fragile as a blade of grass;
the river endures

and she responded by asking, "So, is there nothing good in the world? Is it all suffering?" The river metaphor seemed too cold and impersonal. I tried to think of something worthwhile to say but all I could think of was some crap about practicing tonglen and knowing you aren't alone in your suffering.




:heart:  :smile:

Quote:

Anyway, did I have a point? Um... I don't know, I think it was up there somewhere, I'm tired as heck.

'Night. :grin:




Yes you did, but I think that the cases differ a little.
It is not really my concern or duty to change her or the way she lives.
What I wanted to express more was how someone's unhealthy behavior can be observed and analyzed in order to know what to avoid, on how it can serve as an example about what's not quite constructive to do with ourselves.


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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InvisibleNariusFractal
Sat Chit Ananda
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Registered: 12/19/02
Posts: 804
Loc: USA
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7637501 - 11/14/07 09:37 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Love the Haiku.

It tells me that even though there is sadness and suffering in the world, life continues to grow and push forward, despite it being so frail and fragile. The river of life continues forward through time.

Perhaps people that are sad can not see or come to terms with this conclusion and are stuck in the sad phase, or victim mode. It is addicting...

I think listening to music and purging your sadness by wallowing or what have you, sounds like a completely healthy activity.


--------------------
You are the microcosm of the macrocosm.


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OfflineNiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
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Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
Last seen: 14 years, 8 months
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7637670 - 11/14/07 10:46 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

My mom does the same thing all the time... except that she often just repeats the exact same stories of misery from her own life, in an obsessive sort of way. She brings up this one ex boyfriend of hers constantly, and for years I have been telling her to forget about him and move on with her life, and she talks about how she has done that but the fact that she talks about it so much proves it's not true. I have taken up the strategy of reflecting herself back to her, and describing her psychological processes to her. I've become very blunt. I also often tell her when I don't feel like hearing it, for whatever reason. This all makes me sound like a big jerk, but I promise I'm also very compassionate! I just don't think it's helpful to enable someone to wallow in the same shit for years on end. I try and help build up her confidence by telling her how proud I am of how strong she is and how far she's come out of her abusive childhood and all that...

Anyways, that was a total rant. Your mom sounds a lot like my mom, MT.


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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
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Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 7,152
Loc: Time and Space
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7637744 - 11/14/07 11:12 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

She sounds a lot like my mom too.. are all moms like this? :crazy2:

Quote:

I have taken up the strategy of reflecting herself back to her, and describing her psychological processes to her.




how could you do that to her? has she been a bad mother to you??? :smirk::lol:

p.s i thought that was a great haiku, bug


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OfflineMushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
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Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7637763 - 11/14/07 11:16 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Yup, my mom does the same stuff...


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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Offlinekriminalelement
"jesus wept."
Female User Gallery


Registered: 09/26/07
Posts: 1,201
Loc: Ay! los popos estan aqui!
Last seen: 13 years, 6 months
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7637896 - 11/14/07 11:57 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

DO NOT indulge your mother. she will become increasingly depressed if she is allowed to wallow by her relatives.

Example:
My grandmother is from Slovenia and lived through WWII. her father was injured in WWI and the shrapnel in his head made him insane. she saw her mother tortured and lived in a refugee camp. she came to america and hated every second of it. she hated the boat ride. she hated that she disembarked at boston instead of new york. she hated the sweet ass job she got at an archbishop's house. she hated her responsible, cheerful husband. she hated her son. she hated her mother. she hated that one time, a drunk man ran into her on a bicycle. she hates her daughter. she even hates VCR's.

Now she lives alone and hoards EVERYTHING (she has OCD bad). her empty pill bottles, candy, hundreds of klondike bars she'll never eat. cake from birthday parties. used tissue. newspapers FROM THE 1970's. shoes. christmas presents she never takes out of packages.

human waste.

by contrast, her husband lived through both world wars in slovenia. his mother died in his arms when he was a teenager. his father died when he was 18. he had four brothers. the first brother died when he was eight. they were all fishing in a stream in the alps after the spring thaw. all four brothers fell in. he pulled three out and the last died right in front of him.

after WWII the communists began confiscating land by force. this meant lining up the landowners and shooting them. one brother escaped and died mysteriously in the black forest years later.

he saw his older brother and his twin, Michael, shot in the head.

he got the fuck out of the country and moved to America. he worked as a machinist in a factory all his life. he loved his new country, his children, his grandchildren, and everyone he ever met. he was the happiest man in the world.

The world is full of pain. tell your mother she can accept it and be happy or live the rest of her life in self-inflicted misery.


--------------------
While there is a lower class, I am in it
While there is a criminal element, I am of it
While there is a soul in prison, I am not free.

Eugene V Debs


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OfflineKinematics
coyote vision


Registered: 10/01/06
Posts: 662
Loc: Colorado
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7637979 - 11/15/07 12:20 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

MushroomTrip said:
she has provided with many examples of what it's good for me to avoid being. :tongue:





There are a few people in my life that I associate with just once in a while as a personal reminder to myself what NOT to do as a person. :crazy2:


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InvisibleCosmicJokeM
happy mutant
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Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 10,848
Loc: Portland, OR
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7638257 - 11/15/07 02:36 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

got a comparable situation w/ my mother, i usually just pour a glass of wine and go sit out on the porch and pick up the phone and say "uh huh" every minute or so. 

live and let live and raise the octave up to the positive, what else can you do?

:cheers:


--------------------
Everything is better than it was the last time.  I'm good.

If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.

It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence.

I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too.  If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.


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InvisibleCosmicJokeM
happy mutant
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Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 10,848
Loc: Portland, OR
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7638281 - 11/15/07 02:57 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:


So my mother called me today to tell me that one of her friends has cancer and then she gave me all the details about how she's doing chemo and her hair is falling and how she's super depressed and crying all the time.




that just reminded me of a friend whose mother left a very similar answsering machine message for him about a friend friend of the family asking him to pray for her.  he played the answering machine message and asked me if i'd pray w/ him, so we smoked a lot of pot and played hand drums and chanted for her for awhile. lol, what a strange life :smile:


--------------------
Everything is better than it was the last time.  I'm good.

If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.

It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence.

I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too.  If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
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Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,532
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7638355 - 11/15/07 04:43 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

your mom is using you as a point of strength and light.
she brings you her darkest experiences
you shrive her soul.
you are her priestess
one way or another.


--------------------
:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male


Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7639559 - 11/15/07 12:29 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Screen your calls.:thumbup:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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InvisibleVeritas
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Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,089
Re: Bad news breaker [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7640421 - 11/15/07 03:46 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Sounds just like my mother. :tongue:  She is much more interested in what is going wrong than in what is going right.  She relates stories about people I have never met (and never want to meet), she gives lengthy monologues about everything wrong with her life, and she only asks me "follow-up" questions when I tell her about something negative.

Though I told her several years ago that I intended to shift my focus towards the neutral-to-positive perspective, she still reverts to habits fairly frequently.

I've responded to this quite directly by telling her "I really don't want to hear about this," or "I'm not interested in gossip."  I've also declined to return her phone calls when I am not in the mood for confronting her negativity.  If I do relate a problem I'm experiencing, I will always follow it up with "...and I know that I'm up to handling this challenge!"  :grin:


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InvisibleLunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story
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Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
Re: Bad news breaker *DELETED* [Re: Veritas]
    #7640820 - 11/15/07 05:22 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Post deleted by LunarEclipse

Reason for deletion: nunyaeffinb



--------------------
Anxiety is what you make it.


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