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WhiskeyClone
Not here



Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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My struggle
#7629441 - 11/13/07 09:05 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Damn.. I'm stuck. There are a number of areas of my life I want to improve, but I'm finding it immensely difficult.
I halted my abusive cannabis use a month ago. I was using it as a filler, to glaze over the gaps and rough spots in my moods. I feel more clear headed and more able, but now I've got no choice but to view my life with a sober head, and I'm starting to realize why I did drugs.
I'm mediocre. I don't strive. I don't fight for anything. I am afraid to fail, but even worse, I am afraid to succeed. I don't want to set higher expectations in myself or in others. I don't want to have very far to fall. I don't want that responsibility I guess.
I know where this comes from. Growing up I was the whiz kid, the prodigy. Teachers and parents (not just mine) told me I would be a doctor, and astronaut, a hero. I couldn't do any wrong. I was able to do, with great ease, anything expected of a child. I quickly developed a distinct sense of entitlement. I had the coveted silver spoon. Difficulties and struggles were for other kids.
I coasted on this momentum through high school, even as my marks dropped for reasons not yet apparent to me. Life was getting harder. There were things I didn't know how to deal with. It was getting unfair. But I had already developed great skills of evasion and bullshitting, and was still doing better than the average bear, if I compared myself to everyone else.
As my marks became less spectacular, I noticed something. People stopped getting on my case about it. Even my parents didn't expect me to get straight A's. I felt relief; I felt normal.
In college I started failing. I lamented and complained my way through it and was able to get by on intelligence alone. Still no drive, just fear. But by then I was quite handicapped. Having avoided everything difficult my whole life, I was incredibly vulnerable. Any real challenge that I couldn't get away from stopped me dead in my tracks.
I've since learned to be more calm and forgiving of myself, and I've developed significant insight on why I've been troubled in life. But old habits die hard, and when the going gets rough, the fear in me grows until I am overwhelmed. It tricks me, it threatens me, it beats me up. I don't even realize I've surrendered to it. I know nobody else is capable of fixing this.
Repeatedly, I resolve to work out the parts of life that are troubling me, namely:
-Finding a physical exercise routine that I can stick to -Finding a musical development routine that I can stick to -Finding a meditation routine that I can stick to -Finding a budget that I can stick to -Finding a way to stay organized (files, possessions, etc.)
My journals are filled with dozens of resolutions, rules, plans, outlines, whatever... but I constantly find myself starting again.
I've tried doing it all at once. I've tried one thing at a time. I've tried breaking it down. I am willing to try again and again, but logic tells me I need to do something different. I know life cannot be 'cured'; it has to be managed, but I know it can't be managed without a plan. I just cannot seem keep the momentum required to keep it going.
A nasty, self sabotaging mood is always in the cards sooner or later; how can I continue to live productively knowing this?
Yesterday I had an unexpected day off, so I tried to redefine my commitments to my exercise and my musical study. I don't know what triggered it, but sometime in midafternoon, I couldn't continue.
I slipped into that familiar sulking mood. Unwilling to do ANYTHING productive. Unwilling to take five minutes to tidy my kitchen before bed, unwilling to even attempt to exercise. Terrified to, really.
The truth is, I'm addicted to being mediocre. I don't remember when I realized this, but it's true.
I will not let myself excel. I will not let myself drop off the map.
I am twenty-seven now... this is ridiculous.
Holy shit that was too long. Kudos to you if you have read this whole thing.
Does anyone else experience this apparent commitment to averageness? Where are you at in this battle? What did it take to change?
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
Edited by WhiskeyClone (11/14/07 07:09 AM)
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Mastamike1118


Registered: 03/29/07
Posts: 2,010
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this has been a huge problem for me.... everything can be going great and i will fuck myself up for some reason.... i dont no right now i am just doing it and am doing my best to ignore myself and not take myself too seriously....
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WhiskeyClone
Not here



Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Yeah I'm always trying to remind myself not to take life too seriously, but the danger is that if I don't take this somewhat seriously, I'll continue to wallow in my complacent rut. If I'm no closer to my potential by the time I'm 35, I'll
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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trendal
J♠



Registered: 04/17/01
Posts: 20,815
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Wow.
My life mirrors your own, in several aspects.
I know where this comes from. Growing up I was the whiz kid, the prodigy. Teachers and parents (not just mine) told me I would be a doctor, and astronaut, a hero. I couldn't do any wrong. I was able to do, with great ease, anything expected of a child. I quickly developed a distinct sense of entitlement. I had the coveted silver spoon. Difficulties and struggles were for other kids.
I was told, too, at an early age that I was "gifted". That I would never really have to "try" (they actually said that) to get the things in life that I wanted. I went to a small grade school, only 120 kids in 10 grades (1-8, and jr/sr kindergarten). I was one of two kids widely understood to be "the smartest kids in the school". Once I learned that I could talk circles around most of my teachers...well that's the game, as they say.
I, too, lost interest in school...though I lost it long before high school. What was the point, I thought, in trying for anything when I could get an A on the test and talk my teacher into giving me a B over all?
We differ only in what we think about our circumstances...you find yourself to be "addicted to mediocrity", I find myself to be just fine, thank you
--------------------
Once, men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free. But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them.
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WhiskeyClone
Not here



Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Re: My struggle [Re: trendal]
#7629743 - 11/13/07 10:45 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
trendal said:
We differ only in what we think about our circumstances...you find yourself to be "addicted to mediocrity", I find myself to be just fine, thank you
I thought about this statement for a long time... I wonder how much of my discontentment is due to my frustration with myself, and how much is just envy and illusions of entitlement.
The truth is, I feel like I'm in the middle of a tragedy. I feel like, at this trajectory, I will soon find myself on my deathbed wondering why I squandered my life. Nothing I do is fulfilling, except for spending time with my family and friends.
Not because I won't be the king of the world like I expected as a kid, but because I am not yet accepting responsibility for my own life. I know I have to love myself even though I'm not perfect, but I staunchly reject any notion that I am not capable of doing these things I want to do. I have to prove to myself that I am capable. If Jared from fucking subway can lose 100 pounds, I should be able to be Mr fucking universe.
I'm not just fine. I am not yet who I am. I'm constantly running away.
Thanks for reading my post, BTW
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
Edited by WhiskeyClone (11/13/07 10:45 AM)
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sadspacemonkey
!universe!


Registered: 11/01/06
Posts: 376
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
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I was also kind of a whiz kid- school was easy for me and I was also a very good artist, very well behaved, blah blah...but my family is poor so it was kind of decided I would be the big successful savior- the first one to graduate college and all that.
I ended up receiving a scholarship to a fancy-ass exclusive prep school, which turned out to be utter hell academically and socially. I was miserable but had too much pride to toss in the towel and go to a public school in my own neighborhood. I went from being the best to the absolute worst, but I never gave up for fear of letting people down.
I managed to "catch up" to my new classmates, but in the process I ended up despising myself because it seemed I could never ever be "good enough." In college now I continually sabotage myself, take semesters off, switch schools...anything I have going for me I give up...
Right now I'm at the point where I just want to enjoy myself and be comfortable. I feel phrases like "live up to your potential" make me freeze. If I can just get my degree, then I know at least I stuck to something..
People used to tell me they saw me as a professor, a reporter for the New York Times, even a famous artist. Now the thought of those professions makes me feel physically ill. I want peace, happiness, simplicity, something amazing that happens internally, not in the outside definition of things. If I paint, I want to hide all the results in the closet. Otherwise I will feel trapped by expectations. Is that a cop out? Maybe. I'm 23 and still figuring all this stuff out :P
Sometimes I wonder what's so horrible about being average? I mean, the word "medicore" gets me sulky too but...why? Maybe the fear of being a boring nobody turns us into exactly that?
--------------------
"I can't be told by anyone how to live. If I said to the minister 'Move from your home' he would think I was mad." Bushman : Botswana
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WhiskeyClone
Not here



Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Quote:
sadspacemonkey said:
Sometimes I wonder what's so horrible about being average? I mean, the word "medicore" gets me sulky too but...why?
Heh... there's nothing wrong with being average. I don't even really want to be above average, necessarily. I just resent the fact that fear keeps defeating me again and again.
Quote:
Maybe the fear of being a boring nobody turns us into exactly that?
I think you're right.
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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gluke bastid
Stinky Bum



Registered: 12/20/00
Posts: 3,322
Loc: Charm City
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Quote:
WhiskeyClone said:
Quote:
sadspacemonkey said:
Sometimes I wonder what's so horrible about being average? I mean, the word "medicore" gets me sulky too but...why?
Heh... there's nothing wrong with being average. I don't even really want to be above average, necessarily. I just resent the fact that fear keeps defeating me again and again.
Quote:
Maybe the fear of being a boring nobody turns us into exactly that?
I think you're right.
What is the difference between the following ideas:
"Live up to your potential" vs. "Do the best you can with whatever happens" "Don't screw this up!" vs "Try your best" "I am special" vs "I am capable" "Should have" vs "Did" "Fear of failure" vs. "Love of challenge" "Then" vs "Now" "Think" vs "Do" "Daydream" vs "Discipline" "Weighing your options" vs "Embracing your circumstances" "Your potential" vs "You, right here, right now"
Choose love right now. Love yourself, stick to that. Always stick to that. Don't give any weight to doubt. If you start doing instead of mulling you will succeed. Don't ask why, just do.
--------------------
Society in every form is a blessing, but government at its best is but a necessary evil - Thomas Paine
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ZippoZ
Knomadic



Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
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Quote:
WhiskeyClone said: Damn.. I'm stuck. There are a number of areas of my life I want to improve, but I'm finding it immensely difficult.
I halted my abusive cannabis use a month ago. I was using it as a filler, to glaze over the gaps and rough spots in my moods. I feel more clear headed and more able, but now I've got no choice but to view my life with a sober head, and I'm starting to realize why I did drugs.
I'm mediocre. I don't strive. I don't fight for anything. I am afraid to fail, but even worse, I am afraid to succeed. I don't want to set higher expectations in myself or in others. I don't want to have very far to fall. I don't want that responsibility I guess.
I know where this comes from. Growing up I was the whiz kid, the prodigy. Teachers and parents (not just mine) told me I would be a doctor, and astronaut, a hero. I couldn't do any wrong. I was able to do, with great ease, anything expected of a child. I quickly developed a distinct sense of entitlement. I had the coveted silver spoon. Difficulties and struggles were for other kids.
I coasted on this momentum through high school, even as my marks dropped for reasons not yet apparent to me. Life was getting harder. There were things I didn't know how to deal with. It was getting unfair. But I had already developed great skills of evasion and bullshitting, and was still doing better than the average bear, if I compared myself to everyone else.
As my marked became less spectacular, I noticed something. People stopped getting on my case about it. Even my parents didn't expect me to get straight A's. I felt relief; I felt normal.
In college I started failing. I lamented and complained my way through it and was able to get by on intelligence alone. Still no drive, just fear. But by then I was quite handicapped. Having avoiding everything difficult my whole life, I was incredibly vulnerable. Any real challenge that I couldn't get away from stopped me dead in my tracks.
I've since learned to be more calm and forgiving of myself, and I've developed significant insight on why I've been troubled in life. But old habits die hard, and when the going gets rough, the fear in me grows until I am overwhelmed. It tricks me, it threatens me, it beats me up. I don't even realize I've surrendered to it. I know nobody else is capable of fixing this.
Repeatedly, I resolve to work out the parts of life that are troubling me, namely:
-Finding a physical exercise routine that I can stick to -Finding a musical development routine that I can stick to -Finding a meditation routine that I can stick to -Finding a budget that I can stick to -Finding a way to stay organized (files, possessions, etc.)
My journals are filled with dozens of resolutions, rules, plans, outlines, whatever... but I constantly find myself starting again.
I've tried doing it all at once. I've tried one thing at a time. I've tried breaking it down. I am willing to try again and again, but logic tells me I need to do something different. I know life cannot be 'cured'; it has to be managed, but I know it can't be managed without a plan. I just cannot seem keep the momentum required to keep it going.
A nasty, self sabotaging mood is always in the cards sooner or later; how can I continue to live productively knowing this?
Yesterday I had an unexpected day off, so I tried to redefine my commitments to my exercise and my musical study. I don't know what triggered it, but sometime in midafternoon, I couldn't continue.
I slipped into that familiar sulking mood. Unwilling to do ANYTHING productive. Unwilling to take five minutes to tidy my kitchen before bed, unwilling to even attempt to exercise. Terrified to, really.
The truth is, I'm addicted to being mediocre. I don't remember when I realized this, but it's true.
I will not let myself excel. I will not let myself drop off the map.
I am twenty-seven now... this is ridiculous.
Holy shit that was too long. Kudos to you if you have read this whole thing.
Does anyone else experience this apparent commitment to averageness? Where are you at in this battle? What did it take to change?
yeah, im in the same sort of situation.
horribly dis orginized drink too much gamble too much, bad budget and i also just quit smoking weed about a month or 2 ago.
i dont know. i mean, it dosent bother me all that much. Life could be a lot worse. i still get to travel alot, and have good friends to hang out with.
im a big fan of this saying,
If you dont like your life, change your life, or change how you feel about it, or go on feeling shitty about life.
hope this helps man
-------------------- PEACE
zippoz "in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption" "People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."
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WhiskeyClone
Not here



Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Quote:
gluke bastid said:
Choose love right now. Love yourself, stick to that. Always stick to that. Don't give any weight to doubt. If you start doing instead of mulling you will succeed. Don't ask why, just do.
I am a bit hard on myself sometimes. The doubt got a hold of me last night. I didn't realize it while it was happening, but I know I let it happen on purpose. Instead of practicing guitar, I started to doubt my capacity for discipline. I let my mind trick myself so that I was again without responsibility for the night. It's an old trick and I usually fall for it.
I compulsively throw up my hands and cry foul so that I can continue to live without responsibility.
I do love myself. But I can not tolerate this habit. I accept that I have it right now, but I refuse to believe I am only capable of what I've done in the past. I rejected my habit of medicating myself with cannabis, and now I'm happier for it.
I just let my self-sabotage habit take over my monday. I think I learned a little about how my mind operates though.
Thanks gluke and nomad, for your responses.
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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You really do just have to take your life one step at a time, one day at a time. Include everything you desire slowly. Let it all unfold naturally and there will be no problems.
My first suggestion would be to join a gym. It's incredibly motivating and all you have to do is just SHOW UP. Even if you don't wanna go, make a point of going at the same time everyday. For me, it's right when I get off work. If you go to a gym at the same time everyday, not only will you be teaching yourself reliance and organization (of time), but you will be helping the totality of YOU by embracing your physicality and becoming healthy. Whatever you feel like you want to do at the gym, do it. You will also see the same people there, day after day, and you will begin to make connections. Even if you don't say anything other then a "hi," it's cool because you and everyone else are both working on the same thing; yourselves.
And don't forget, getting physically fit will give you more energy to use for all those other things you want to start adding, including musical aspirations and settling down to meditate (much easier if you're worked out, which also helps to quiet the mind). I believe the rest that you desire like organization and proper budgeting of finances will fall into place naturally when you get your body and mind in order.
Look, all you got to do is start adding the ingredients. You already are your highest vision; you just gotta help it materialize on the physical plane by TAKING ACTION and FOLLOWING THROUGH.
I'm learning the same lessons right now, so it's something that I'm focusing on too. 
No worries. Whatever you do, love yourself for it.
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WhiskeyClone
Not here


Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Re: My struggle [Re: MOTH]
#7631808 - 11/13/07 05:47 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Include everything you desire slowly. Let it all unfold naturally and there will be no problems.
This is definitely one place where I set myself up for failure. Usually I try to start exercising, meditating, organizing, etc all on the same day. Kind of silly now that I think about it. Tonight, a thorough guitar practice is my only goal.
Following through is also a skill I need to work on. Summoning the initial enthusiasm is usually no problem, it's pushing through the difficult bits that I have a poor track record. Giving up is my heroin.
Awesome advice. Thanks MOTH
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Quote:
WhiskeyClone said:
Quote:
Include everything you desire slowly. Let it all unfold naturally and there will be no problems.
This is definitely one place where I set myself up for failure. Usually I try to start exercising, meditating, organizing, etc all on the same day. Kind of silly now that I think about it. Tonight, a thorough guitar practice is my only goal.
Exactly! Whatever you desire to do that day, do it that day. Start slow, adding one thing at a time. Just do what you can manage comfortably. Then as you get into that routine, add another attribute or idea you'd like to see become reality. Mix it in. You just gotta remember to keep stirring the bowl. You're the cook.
Glad I can help.
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TheHateCamel
Research &Development -DBK
Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 15,738
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You're aware, that's good.
Here's that meditation routine you want.
http://www.budsas.org/ebud/mfneng/mind0.htm
Get the paperback.
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WhiskeyClone
Not here


Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Re: My struggle [Re: MOTH]
#7632320 - 11/13/07 07:34 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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I just cooked up an excellent guitar practice!
Thanks for the link HateCamel, I have actually read the first eight chapters of that document. Time to get on to Chapter 9.
Thanks everybody for your responses. I sure was in a shit mood this morning. I honestly had convinced myself I was powerless. I am humbled by your wisdom... No, I can't fix everything in one day, but I made a small step, and that did wonders for my outlook.
Usually I'm pretty level headed, but yesterday and today I let my doubts snowball out of control. It's a game of perspective, and I'm still learning the rules.
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d


Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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I was in the same situation you're in, still am in certain parts. But the last couple of months I've actually improved a shit load. I used to be the laziest piece of shit around. My place was always messed up and I'd spend the entire weekend cleaning up what I had not done during the week. Then a few weeks ago I said fuck this and cleaned up everything and made a vow to never let it get messy again, and you know how I'm doing it? It's simple.
Whenever a thought enters into your mind, do it, no questions, no debating, no thoughts about what you'd rather do, just fuckin' do it.
You want to play guitar, fuck everything else and go do it. That dirty dish in the sink you just walked by and thought about cleaning it, but didn't, go do it, right now, no no, do it.
With this method of thinking, I've gotten so much shit done that now I'm almost to the point of thinking to myself "ok, now what can i do, what next is going to enter my mind?" Now I try to do the shit before I think about it. For the first time since I went back to school, I'm caught up on all my school work and I've done research for all my term papers and their not due yet. Everything is more relaxed right now.It's kinda weird, but it works for me.
Now, I just got to apply that to the rest of my life.
-------------------- Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
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OneMoreRobot3021



Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 61,024
Loc: the sky
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Reading this thread is a trip. Whiskey, your post, it read like my life. Whiz kid, straight A's, high school, who cares, college, lazy habits...and the self-deprecating attitude about it all...and feeling like absolute shit about the way you are sometimes but realizing you are that way but still not doing anything about it! I keep rereading Penguarky's post now and it seems like wise advice. It you feel like doing it, do it. Don't say I "should" do it, just do it. I've been writing a lot more with something like that in mind.
-------------------- Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake. -Erik Davis
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Lion
Decadent Flower Magnate



Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,775
Last seen: 3 days, 18 hours
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Quote:
OneLessForeskin said: Reading this thread is a trip. Whiskey, your post, it read like my life.
LOL... I was going to say the same thing.
It sure seems like you're not alone on this one, WC. Times like this I think, damn, the mystic heads are right: we really are all one! 
I won't add my own non-story to the list, except to say that right now I am realizing the extent to which I've been trying to fail in life these past few weeks. It's been a constant stream of negative thoughts, regret about small decisions in the past that turned out be life-changing, desire to be elsewhere, refusal to get out of bed and go to class, refusal to do my work, etc.
Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now really helped me become aware of things via his (made-up but useful) concept of the emotional pain body. He says, "The pain body will try to attract situations in life which reflect its negative energy." I kind of nodded my head sagely and thought, "Ah, yes, but I'm too wise now for it to get me again." Crafty bastard. Three weeks later, I'm fighting depression and in the process of seriously sabotaging my collegiate career.
Annnyway... I don't know, I don't know, and I don't know.
Keep on truckin'
-------------------- “Strengthened by contemplation and study, I will not fear my passions like a coward. My body I will give to pleasures, to diversions that I’ve dreamed of, to the most daring erotic desires, to the lustful impulses of my blood, without any fear at all, for whenever I will— and I will have the will, strengthened as I’ll be with contemplation and study— at the crucial moments I’ll recover my spirit as was before: ascetic.”
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Tsion
Stranger in theDesert



Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 44
Loc: Grandville, MI
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: My struggle [Re: Lion]
#7634264 - 11/14/07 09:52 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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We need to form a support group, those of us that fit into this.
It's always 3 steps forward, then 2 and a half back...
-------------------- “Why does Hello Kitty drive us to kill? Is it the cute little bow or the dead, soulless eyes?”
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JoseLibrado
return


Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 569
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: My struggle [Re: Lion]
#7634406 - 11/14/07 10:50 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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hey!
Man, went through i rough time like this aswell. One thing that helped me trascend being a person who fears his potential is that there is no measure of a person. I now understand that what you have been taught about your relation to life and how it measures up to society,in existent. For one, you cannot measure a persons value, mediocre, average, above average, gifted, because believe it or not, the only reason you differ from anyone is because of what your potential has developed i. I say this because something does not come from nothing. I know it seems to be unrelated to the topic, but think about this for a sec.
Potential is like an empty holloween bag, where you as a person, can choose how much you fill up. Like the amount of push ups you can do, this potential if you look at it right now, is a fixed number. Now this potential, this empty bag, had to come from somewhere but where did it come from? I say it came from the only place it can come from, our experience and genes. The logic behind this had to do with understanding that if your potential came from you and only you, like increasing your potential to run longer and faster or write better essays, even existed as a potential itself.
What do i mean? Well, your ability to increase your potential, like an athlete increasing his, is a potential aswell...why? Because increasing your potential has to do with how much ability you have right now, to 'increase the bag'. But remember any and all ability is first a potential ie/ doesnt matter how fast you are now, if you do not choose to run, you will still be able to run, given that you have the potential that is nessecary to run.... LEGS !! ahaha, so as you can see, how much you can increase your potential is a measure of "how much potential, you have to increase that potential." Dedication comes to mind when increasing potential, yet dedication is a potential in its own right...now where does all this come from?
Like any one thing, the potential you have to play with right now, is an outcome of experience and genetics. It funny to think about how people who are rich and have acheived many things say, 'i deserved it, i earned everything, i worked to be better than average' When the very same person wouldnt be able to acheive even one of the things he acheived, if he was born in mexico or africa. Hahaha. Its funny really. "they'll say, o well, i worked to increase my potential." To this i would say kindly, "True, but what did you work with to increase it??" then he sais " My self" And ill say " Do you work with yourself or are you yourself?" and he'll say "I am myself" and i'll say "well you can work with yourself if you are yourself, so you must be working with something that is in yourself" and he'll prolly say "yeah a part of me" then ill say "Your potential?" Then he'll look at me realizing that it was only a potential that made him achieve all this stuff, and spit me because i showed him that he is doing what everyone else is doing...fullfilling the potential within.
I think another problem with this, is the question.."what makes you fullfill your potential? " to this i say," what makes you want to do anything?" And the simple answere is interests, feelings, desires, all them. I remember the same trouble i had with people telling me i wasnt putting my best effort and they were wrong. I did put all the effort i could, because could has to do with what i want to do, as much as it does with what i can do. ie/ yes i can have sexual intercourse with a donkey, it is possible for me to some degree, ims ure i'll have to focus on other things to get hard, but i potentially could...does that mean that i should fullfill that potential??? Hell no, i do not want to fullfill that potential.
in conclusion to all this, potential is just something we have inside us to play with, whether we decide to or not, is up to us. This potential is the same in everyone and the only reason it differs between people is because of experiences within life and genes. In this, all our potentials are equally as valuable. The choices we make. The choices we want to make. The potentials we want to fullfill. Life is life - life is not a concept, life is you, do not think yourself as what we are. Livers living and breathing and shitting. Sexing and loving, fearing and loathing. drinking then smoking. Everything exists as potential.
fullfilling this, is an expression of who i choose to be, within the potential of who i can be.
Peace amigos. LOTs of ^.^
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
Edited by JoseLibrado (11/14/07 11:03 AM)
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Madtowntripper
Sun-Beams out of Cucumbers



Registered: 03/06/03
Posts: 21,287
Loc: The Ocean of Notions
Last seen: 5 months, 23 days
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I thought this was going to be a Nazi thread.
-------------------- After one comes, through contact with it's administrators, no longer to cherish greatly the law as a remedy in abuses, then the bottle becomes a sovereign means of direct action. If you cannot throw it at least you can always drink out of it. - Ernest Hemingway If it is life that you feel you are missing I can tell you where to find it. In the law courts, in business, in government. There is nothing occurring in the streets. Nothing but a dumbshow composed of the helpless and the impotent. -Cormac MacCarthy He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God. - Aeschylus
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WhiskeyClone
Not here


Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Hehe I actually considered calling it "Mein Kampf"
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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Madtowntripper
Sun-Beams out of Cucumbers



Registered: 03/06/03
Posts: 21,287
Loc: The Ocean of Notions
Last seen: 5 months, 23 days
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I'm glad you understood what I was saying.
-------------------- After one comes, through contact with it's administrators, no longer to cherish greatly the law as a remedy in abuses, then the bottle becomes a sovereign means of direct action. If you cannot throw it at least you can always drink out of it. - Ernest Hemingway If it is life that you feel you are missing I can tell you where to find it. In the law courts, in business, in government. There is nothing occurring in the streets. Nothing but a dumbshow composed of the helpless and the impotent. -Cormac MacCarthy He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God. - Aeschylus
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Damn.. I'm stuck. There are a number of areas of my life I want to improve, but I'm finding it immensely difficult.
Join the human race.
Things didn't "work out" because all those people were asking you to be something that you aren't.
I wouldn't worry too much until you're in your 30s. Take some time to think about what you would call a perfect life. Then try to do some part of that at whatever pace feels natural. Quit listening to what others think you should be. That's nuts.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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WhiskeyClone
Not here


Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Re: My struggle [Re: Icelander]
#7636022 - 11/14/07 04:46 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Icelander said:
Damn.. I'm stuck. There are a number of areas of my life I want to improve, but I'm finding it immensely difficult.
Join the human race.
Things didn't "work out" because all those people were asking you to be something that you aren't.
I wouldn't worry too much until you're in your 30s. Take some time to think about what you would call a perfect life. Then try to do some part of that at whatever pace feels natural. Quit listening to what others think you should be. That's nuts.
I'm not concerned with what others think I should be. I was merely explaining how I believe I developed my habit of self-sabotage. I've learned to destroy expectations in myself and in others to make my childhood easier, and now I'm left with these residual impulses to avoid success. Make no mistake: all the things I want to do are things I want to do. The people whose opinions really matter to me only want me to be happy anyway.
I harbor no illusions about creating a perfect life. There is no such thing. I am just frustrated with how I habitually take my time on earth for granted. Tomorrow is always a better day to reach out and grab what I want. I do struggle with pacing my efforts though, and what's a reasonable pace is something I'm starting to figure out.
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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OK,
and as I mentioned. Welcome to he human race, everyone I know is working on all this shit.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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WhiskeyClone
Not here


Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
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Holy shit.
I can't believe it's been only eight months since I was this lost. I remember that day. Such hopelessness, and nothing seemed certain except that I would be in the same place again shortly. Today I am an utterly different person. Life is clear, abundant, open. I feel razor sharp almost all the time, always ready for the next page, excited. Healthy, patient, grateful. I haven't 'killed time' in a while, I welcome it all. Finally, finally! I don't feel like I'm missing out.
It's not painless, but there's no hopelessness or frustration. My negative thoughts come regularly but I calmly shoo them away like mosquitoes. They're always buzzing around but I don't let them land and suck my blood. I just have no interest in them anymore, I don't need to indulge them for comfort.
What changed? Hard to say. I've had teachers: Eckhart Tolle, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ken Keyes, Ralph Waldo Emerson, don Miguel Ruiz, countless shroomerites, real-life friends and strangers... each taught me something indispensable, I feel like every bit of their wisdom was crucial. And perhaps it all was, but something internal had to click to put it all to use, and it did.
It happened in a specific moment, when I gave up on irresponsibility, when I gave up on giving up. To make a long story short, I went for a walk to the beach, and something profound but obvious occurred to me, and by the time I came back I knew I had left 'mein kampf' behind me for good.
The missing ingredient, like I'd guessed, was responsibility. Not just for the things I do or don't do, but for the things that happen to me. I am responsible for everything I experience, and to be responsible I have to embrace it all, the good and bad. I can make use of all of it. I love my suffering as much as my bliss, and as long as I am vigilant enough to do that, there's nothing to fear.
Thank you all so much for your replies. I don't think there was a single response I didn't take something from. I am constantly humbled by the thoughtfulness and wisdom of the people here, I feel your love and I love you all.
-------------------- Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man. For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire. Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it. ~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
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Ginseng1
Elegant Universe



Registered: 09/02/04
Posts: 3,310
Last seen: 9 years, 4 months
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Awesome dude!
You have a few years on me, but that is exactly what I felt like going through highschool. Well, I was never the whiz-kid when I was little, but I was cute and was great at drawing. I was never lonely. But I coasted throughout school. Was never an honour student, teachers forgot me easily, and the ones that cared usually would hate me. So things were difficult sometimes because of school for me... I guess you could say I was pretty much down there already.
Now I am about to finish college, and by this time, everyday to me is an excitement. I enjoy exploring everything. And with this passion of more than mere personal masturbatory mental mindfucking exploration, I have no choice but to welcome challenges, and am forced to confront my fear of failure/success. That includes sharing my wacky ideas with the world! I always get into interesting conversations with the most random folk.
And I find that this constant confrontation with new things, intetionally avoiding mediocracy, I have found that everyday of my life is like an unwritten book. I didn't like it when I felt it had already been written, when I knew I wouldn't have anything the next day, no big dreams, just a damn joint ready to be smoked and some 'searching'. Searching must also be copied and pasted onto the physical world, where there is just so much crazy shit going on!
-------------------- Flowing through beginningless time since time without beginning...
Edited by Ginseng1 (07/21/08 10:18 PM)
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figmentfragment
leaving shroomery
Registered: 04/10/07
Posts: 1,226
Loc:
Last seen: 13 years, 1 month
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I can't believe it's been only eight months since I was this lost. I remember that day. Such hopelessness, and nothing seemed certain except that I would be in the same place again shortly. Today I am an utterly different person.
I had not seen this thread, the first time around...I was very surprised to read it, in light of posts that I have read, and the general impressions I have formed of you.
I have to confess (to my own disgust) that I feel a vague envy towards any self professed "whiz kids". I almost laughed bitterly when I read that. Yeah, fucked...I know.
-------------------- Goodbye Shroomery.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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