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OfflineNewbieS
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I cried for the first time in years this morning.
    #7612439 - 11/08/07 07:21 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

As soon as I opened my eyes I remembered the night before, and how I got this overwhelming nostalgic spell about my childhood. Whenever I think about our old apartment and my old room I get this intense feeling of comfort, safety, and worry-free. I had such a happy childhood in that place. My mom was still alive, my little brother was on track with everything and we were all happy. I have so many vivid memories of swimming at the local pool down the street, going to the library ever day during the summers...
We'd visit family on holidays an/d whenever the spring parade came to town...

It's not like that for me anymore; not even close. My little bro has no respect for me or my dad anymore and is on the verge of dropping out of high school. My dad has bouts of depression because he probably feels the same way I do but we don't know how to talk to each other anymore...none of us do. It's like we're more comfortable NOT talking to each other.

During my crying episode I had this idea that maybe I need to revisit my old place, for closure. Just to remind me that it's all gone and it's never coming back. I would love to see it all one more time. Do you think that's crazy? I mean how would I even approach the people living there? I have so many nostalgic feelings brewing inside of me right now it's really hard to contain. It's been getting worse lately and I need to do something to get over it. I really need to see my old place again to drill it in my head that it doesn't exist anymore, and I need to stop living in the past. Help??


Edited by Newbie (11/09/07 11:50 AM)


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Offlinemushroomplume
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Re: I cried for the first time in years this morning. [Re: Newbie]
    #7612480 - 11/08/07 07:30 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

I would revisit it, closure is a good thing.

I don't mean to make your post cheesy or anything, but it made me instantly think of this song for some reason:



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OfflineJorsher
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Re: I cried for the first time in years this morning. [Re: mushroomplume]
    #7613741 - 11/09/07 03:56 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

I expect you to do more crying when you visit, but I feel like it's a good thing for you to do.

Have you tried talking to your dad or brother about your thoughts? See if any mending can occur? I'm by far not the best person for "opening up" and saying how I feel, but I believe it's helpful in some cases. It seems like most of the time, talking doesn't change people, and if it does then it's only temporary. However, whatever you say will at least put thoughts in their heads about getting things together, and MAYBE change things. At least you'd never regret keeping quiet.

Good luck, sounds like a crappy situation.


--------------------
5 shroom me!


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OfflineQuerjek
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Re: I cried for the first time in years this morning. [Re: Jorsher]
    #7614254 - 11/09/07 09:31 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

I agree with the above poster--is it at all an option to talk to your father perhaps?

Since you say that the two of you seem to both be facing similar "depression", perhaps it could be something easier for you two to relate upon, and maybe the two of you could then talk to your brother...? (but that may be a bit further off to be thinking about right now)

Good luck, we're all here for you :smile:


--------------------
tripping eyes and flooded lungs
northern downpour sends its love


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OfflineNewbieS
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Re: I cried for the first time in years this morning. [Re: Querjek]
    #7614295 - 11/09/07 09:50 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

I completely agree, it's just we've grown pretty far apart. The last time I hugged him was the night my mom died, and it even felt weird then. All we really bond over is pot and take out food, and when we're done doing either one we just return to our rooms in seclusion. I think I might start by taking them out to the new Outback Steakhouse that opened down the street. A family dinner is much needed. Over dinner I'm going to try to get them to organize some family visits during the holidays.

Thanks for the responses, mentally I'm in a bad place right now and anything helps.


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InvisibleThin White Duke
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Re: I cried for the first time in years this morning. [Re: Newbie]
    #7614773 - 11/09/07 11:27 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Revisit it.

Whenever I have to leave a place dear to me, I make sure to take one last look around, take a deep breath and close the door. The closure is a lot of help.

Just be respectful and don't break down. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate a stranger doing the same thing in your home.


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OfflineNewbieS
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Re: I cried for the first time in years this morning. [Re: Thin White Duke]
    #7614903 - 11/09/07 11:55 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Yeah that would be weird having someone pop over my house and bawl their eyes out in every room they entered :lol:.  I think maybe I'll write them a letter explaining how I grew up there for 10+ years and I want to see it again.  I'm still deciding if I should invite my dad and little brother to come see it too.  It might help them out as well but I don't want to show up and trample 3 people through their apartment. 

I also briefly spoke to my dad and told him I want us all to go out to eat tonight and his response was kind of surprising.  Lately he hasn't left his room to do anything.  He's really depressed and everything he said to me was exactly how I was feeling as well.  He missed 3 days of work couped up in his room, same as me. 

Weird...

PS.  Are those the Jenkem kids in your sig?  :lol:


Edited by Newbie (11/09/07 11:56 AM)


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OfflineGreat Scott
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Re: I cried for the first time in years this morning. [Re: Newbie]
    #7616713 - 11/09/07 08:17 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Honestly, if it were me living in a private residence and I received a knock on the door from someone wanting to "re-visit" they're old home... I probably be like "WTF, NO! Get on with your life and let me enjoy my new home in peace".
But maybe I'm just an asshole.
I dunno, if you caught me on the right day I might let you come in and poke around.
Might even bake you some cookies and insist on happy hour or something.


--------------------
:thumbup: :thumbdown:


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OfflineLion
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Re: I cried for the first time in years this morning. [Re: Newbie]
    #7616764 - 11/09/07 08:29 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

It's good to hear that you cried for the first time in awhile.  It can really be a healing experience.

I only have one bit of advice, and that is to try very hard to learn to talk to your dad.  I am only just starting to see my parents as human beings, past the assumed roles we've played for my entire life.  This is challenging because it brings to the forefront of consciousness a lot of conditioned insecurity and feelings of guilt, for me at least.  But it's definitely worth it.  :heart:  Many times I've thought I wanted to leave my parents behind and cut the painful ties with them, but I think that would just create more negativity for both parties.  At the same time, one can't be too attached, because it's unhealthy IMO to derive a sense of identity from your relationship w/ your parents, which is easily the most conditioned relationship you have.

And it's definitely not crazy to want to go back and visit - but remember, you don't need to.  What's happening now is more important.


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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OfflineNewbieS
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Re: I cried for the first time in years this morning. [Re: Lion]
    #7628216 - 11/12/07 10:17 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Oddly enoughm I managed to come by some really good LSD.  My old friend from high school returned from WCU with some of the best tabs I've seen in years.  I was really depressed at the time and didn't expect to trip that day, but later that night I asked for 2 hits and got them.  All night we played BioShock, Halo 3, and then watched Family Guy season 5.  Needless to say, I'm not afraid to do acid anymore :lol:  It COMPLETELY washed away all of my dark emotions and filled me with some real spirit.

Today I went to the mall around 11am (had to work at 2).  I had a few G's left on my credit line so I went on a little $300 splurge.  It was great.  I haven't bought clothes for myself in so long...  I can finally get rid of my kid shirts :lol: (super mario, mushrooms, cartoons, etc).  I got some slick button downs, jeans, hat, shoes, earrings, sweatpants, undershirts, t's, wool shirts, etc  all name brand :smile:

Then  I got my hair cut and it came out perfect...  I really feel great right now! 


I still plan on revisiting that place too though.  It's too dear to me to just forget about,  I would never miss the opportunity.  :thumbup:


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