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CherryBom
Yoga Gypsy


Registered: 12/26/98
Posts: 11,177
Loc: Ontario
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Just for the ladies....
#7606660 - 11/07/07 12:00 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when youNEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
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adrug

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 15,800
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Re: Just for the ladies.... [Re: CherryBom]
#7606667 - 11/07/07 12:01 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Who the hell uses toilet seat covers?
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OneMoreRobot3021



Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 61,024
Loc: the sky
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Re: Just for the ladies.... [Re: adrug]
#7606672 - 11/07/07 12:02 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Not me, I can't assume a comfortable "take a shit" state-of-mind when I've got crinkly paper underass.
-------------------- Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake. -Erik Davis
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mushroomplume
Stranger

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 1,395
Last seen: 14 years, 19 days
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Girls have so many problems. Babies, using the bathroom, tampoons and maxi's, make-up, everyday is like a struggle for you people.
Guys just smoke pot and poop. Some of them shower. The better ones.
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TurntableJunky
Ethno Grower



Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 4,742
Loc: Sydney
Last seen: 15 years, 9 months
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Re: Just for the ladies.... [Re: CherryBom]
#7606712 - 11/07/07 12:18 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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NEVER USE THE TOILET SEAT COVERS UPSIDE DOWN!!!
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Plok
Life is fractal


Registered: 09/08/04
Posts: 1,152
Loc: Los Angeles
Last seen: 2 months, 7 days
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I don't understand how women get piss on the toilet seat in the first place. Guys bathrooms are probably much worse on average. But of course we don't have to sit down...
Funny article though
-------------------- Just say NO to the War on Drugs.
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Baby_Hitler
Errorist



Registered: 03/06/02
Posts: 27,587
Loc: To the limit!
Last seen: 2 hours, 2 minutes
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Re: Just for the ladies.... [Re: CherryBom]
#7606808 - 11/07/07 12:43 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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This is why you should just go in the bushes.
-------------------- Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ (•_•) <) )~ ANTIFA / \ \(•_•) ( (> SUPER / \ (•_•) <) )> SOLDIERS / \
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tiny_rabid_birds
Nocturnal



Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 15,653
Loc: estados unidos
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Re: Just for the ladies.... [Re: CherryBom]
#7606880 - 11/07/07 12:56 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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heh heh.. that's from craiglist best-of. i read that.
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juende
feministpresence


Registered: 02/20/04
Posts: 729
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
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haha i got that in one of those 'send this to 8 people today...' emails. i like to go in the bushes sometimes.
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JacquesCousteau
Being.



Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 8 months
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Re: Just for the ladies.... [Re: Plok]
#7608297 - 11/07/07 06:43 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Plok said: I don't understand how women get piss on the toilet seat in the first place. Guys bathrooms are probably much worse on average. But of course we don't have to sit down...
Funny article though
Actually, I've considered this, and the concept is astounding. Almost paradoxical.
It's like the chicken or the egg question.
See, they get piss on the seat because the feel the need to squat and hover above the seat in the first place. But, of course, if they'd all just sit on the damn seat, there would be no piss on it.
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mushbaby
woodswalker




Registered: 09/30/06
Posts: 2,645
Loc: in my own lil world
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Re: Just for the ladies.... [Re: CherryBom]
#7608601 - 11/07/07 07:55 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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OH CHerry BOm! I laughed til tears rolled down my face! 
I bet that has happened to every woman.
Excuse this tidbit gentlemen reading the "Just for the ladies thread" but that's another good reason to always keep a pad in your purse! Much more absorbent than a silly used kleenex.
And half the time I think the seat is wet from those turbo flushes the toilet makes.
Thanks for making me laugh!
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