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Offlineomnicrap
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Registered: 08/22/06
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I have no idea what is going on with me, or what to do (long)
    #7586439 - 11/02/07 02:11 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. Thinking back, I've really always been kind of fucked up. My childhood was somewhat abnormal, some would probably say that's why but to me it seems like it's biological/genetic. Who knows. Does it really matter? The point is, I seem to be incapable of having a normal life. At least some of it is that I don't really want a 'normal' life. I've always been attracted to the fringes of normality. But even people who aren't part of mainstream society share elements of their lives with those who are. I am incapable of orderliness. I have no motivation. Usually. There are times when that's not true, when I can motivate myself enough to focus on something to the point of blocking everything else out, even the passage of time. But to reach that state, the object of my attention must be new, shiny, stimulating, original, something that really engages me. Even then, I lose it eventually. I'm prone to feeling down from time to time. In the past there were two instances where it lasted for months, once even for over a year. These days it seems to be a few days at a time, sometimes even just a few hours. The rest of the time I feel average, neither good nor bad, really. Occasionally I feel really great, rarely without the use of drugs.

I grew up in the backwoods of Michigan. I don't remember much about those days. I lived with my Dad (a self-employed software engineer at the time) and my Mom (who just took care of me and my sister and was pretty fucked up herself, but that's another story) in a mobile home. Me and my sister were both homeschooled. At some point my mother got to a point in her own mental illness (diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenia) where my Dad decided enough was enough and left her, taking my sister and I with him. We moved to a bigger city and divorce proceedings were started. I was basically given the choice to stay with my father and sister or split our family evenly and stay with my mom. I chose to stick with my father. I was still being homeschooled at the time. Up until this time I had really never had any contact with anyone from the outside world other than going out shopping, etc. That was all to change soon. My father met someone online, and quickly became seriously involved with her. She lived in a nearby city and soon they were married. At that point my father and new stepmother decided I should be thrust into public school. I went in in the middle of 3rd grade. From what I remember of this time I was missing some of the problems I have now, and had a whole set of other ones. I was the stereotypical shy loner fat kid. I was either picked on or ignored for the most part. I had 1 friend who I saw outside of school rarely and played video games with. I excelled in school, without much effort on my part. I enjoyed learning to some degree and it came naturally to me. I've always had an excellent memory, that much has stayed with me until now. I picked up on things taught in class without need for practice and repetition. I skimped on homework even then (although I at least did it, usually) and passed every test with flying colors. I even got thrust into some kind of gifted program where we did work from higher grade levels for like an hour each day.

Even now, writing this, my focus is beginning to wander and I have to pull myself back to it. I don't know why I'm writing all this but I feel like it's important to finally get my life summary down on paper (or LCD screen) but I don't know why.

Anyway, back to it. Long story short, at the end of 4th grade my parents decided to move to AZ and take me with them (I don't know why as I was almost immediately enrolled in a boarding school after we got here) So as of age 9 or so I didn't see much of them. My stepmom was sick (she had CFS, MCS, bunch of other stuff, just recently died due to complications from it all) and my dad had a full time job taking care of her. So I went to boarding school. Same story, different place. Not much important to note here really, I just drifted through the next year or so in the same way I had in the past. Spent my free time in my room playing video games, reading books and staying out of the way of the other kids in the hopes they would ignore me rather than fuck with me. Then my dad decided the boarding school was too expensive and stuck me in a charity organization (a christian children's home, with a school built in) which might as well have just been another boarding school, except this one I stayed there year round. At this point I was able to make a couple of friends, mostly people with similar interests like computers/video games. One of them I actually still talk to. I stayed at this place for a couple of years in a dormitory with a married couple who took care of everyone there. Eventually they had a falling out with the absurdly fundamentalist management of the place and left, I was able to beg my dad enough and get him to let me move out and stay with them.

From there I finished out middle school with them. Same story, different venue. Finally moved on to high school when my first crippling depression hit. Around age 15 I fell into a depressive slump lasting about 6 months. Nobody even noticed, because my outward behavior didn't really change, except I stopped eating, because part of my depression had to do with normal 'I want a girlfriend' teen angst and I felt like that would never happen if I was overweight. That didn't really last long, and eventually it just seemed to fade back to normalcy. All this time I spent 90% of my free time playing an MMO and messing around online. I only did homework if it made a huge difference to my grade in classes, I just got by on ace'ing tests. All through high school I didn't have a girlfriend.

At around age 17 I discovered drugs. I had previous occasional experience with alcohol which I found somewhat fun, but generally shallow and boring, lost interest quickly. Weed was my wonder drug. I first started smoking with some people from my part time job. It was a job at a pizza place so no real effort was needed, I just showed up and took home a paycheck (a small one) basically. It was there where I finally started to have some sort of a social life, going out on weekends, getting blazed and playing poker, etc. At this time I pretty much only smoked socially. I couldn't do it at home and I didn't have the money or connections to really get my own at that time. School was pretty much the same as always, although I did find some stoner friends to hang out there so I wasn't a total outcast at lunch my senior year. I graduated with decent (low A average) grades and managed to get a scholarship to the local university (based mainly off my high SAT and ACT scores)

Looking back, the only real reason I even went to college was because my dad practically paid me to go. He is pretty well off, so he set me up in my own apartment and gave me $1000 a month toward bills which I supplemented with my pizza job money. I made it through 1 year of college with passing grades but couldn't be bothered to continue. I smoked considerably more weed through that year of college, spending about $400 a month on reefer. My free time was the same, consisting of hanging out at home, smoking weed, playing videogames, watching tv/movies, etc and occasionally hanging out with friends. I also discovered shrooms and had some of the most amazing experiences of my life with them. At this time I ended up with a huge crush on a married woman whose husband was overseas and pretty much never even bothered to contact her. I dropped out of college and moved in with her and someone else to get cheap rent, I worked another shit job at wal-mart. At first she only wanted to be friends and I spiraled into another depression. I was dirt poor now that I didn't have my dad throwing me cash every month and I stopped smoking weed almost entirely. Eventually she gave up on her deadbeat husband and we got together. Our relationship was less than ideal. She was pretty mentally unstable and we ended up staying with her mom for free rent while I worked at a pizza place again. She eventually ended up committing herself to a mental hospital temporarily. When we first got together there was a lull in my depression, but it started to come back full force after she got back out of the hospital. I started getting panic attacks going into work, I couldn't do anything but lay around. Weed made me feel somewhat better at least while I was high but I couldn't afford it. I quit my job and she started working as a phone operator for an escort agency, which made her pretty decent money but she was even worse at budgeting than I am and we got kicked out of her mom's place so we moved from one weekly rent apartment or hotel to another while my depression worsened. It was at this point that I discovered opiates. I came into a good supply from her grandmother who had a ton of oxycontin and I binged on that for about a month and a half and then ran out. My girlfriend used to have a meth problem and started back up around this time too. So basically we were pretty fucked. She ran off to do who knows what and pretty much left me homeless and withdrawing.

I got some help from my dad and saw a psychiatrist, he got me into a place and I got a job at U haul (which paid a little more decently and was full time) which gave me just enough to make rent and food and keep me connected to the internet. I had no insurance, though and only got to see the psychiatrist a couple times. I'd also like to note during this whole period I had tried a variety of psych meds (prozac, celexa, cymbalta, wellbutrin, effexor, amitriptyline, etc) None of the meds I tried really did shit and I was still down in the dumps. At this point I tried a couple of less common remedies, SAM-e and rhodiola rosea extract, which surprisingly made a pretty big difference. I was still not where I felt I should be mentally, but at least I could get through the day. For the next 6 months I worked that shit job, buying a tiny bit of weed when I could to relax and feel a little more decent (I'm talking $50 bucks a month at most, maybe smoking 2-3 days out of the month, some months not at all) but then came into some money by way of growing weed and started a heroin habit with it. That lasted a couple months, until my source dried up, but this time my life didn't fall apart like before when I was withdrawing. I had just happened to concurrently get a pretty decent job (paying about twice what my uhaul job did, and with benefits!) and ended up in my first week of training just as the dopesickness was fading. I could have probably gotten back into the whole H scene again at that point with my now substantially larger income, but as I've always been somewhat antisocial I couldn't really be bothered to find another source, so I went back to my good old standby, weed. Partially, this may have been motivated by the fact that with weed it isn't a big deal to go a few days or a week without it, and I knew that with this job if I was in full blown withdrawal from H I couldn't hack it and I'd get fired. So that's pretty much where I am now.

I've gotten into kind of a cycle. I get up most days dreading to go to work. Get there, work my 8 hours in silent misery, pretending that I'm fine and things are good, get home, mess around online and do whatever, have my few hours where I feel good, do it again, get some weed and feel better for a couple days, run out, feel somewhat average again, keep going for a week or 2 until I get some money, buy weed and feel good for a week, run out and be back to where I've been while sober for the last year for a while, the cycle begins again. The thing is I'm not stupid. I know I could be pretty much whatever I want if I put my mind to it, I just seem to be unable to put my mind to it. I can't do anything but slide by with minimal effort. I seem to be totally incapable of sustained concentration on anything which is even slightly tedious, monotonous, or frustrating. I have a ton of things I'm interested in, from languages, to pharmacology, to computers and other electronics, to programming. It seems like I've just moved from one to the next over the years though. I get interested in a subject, for a while I concentrate on it like there was nothing else in the world, and eventuall it just gets tiresome. Take my interest in pharmacology. I started out with that interest because of my experience with drugs, I began to read everything I could find on it, to just suck up every ounce of information on it, I thought I'd finally found what I wanted to do with my life, was almost ready to go back to school for it, but then my interest started to fade somewhat. I was still interested in it, but it started to lack that amazing feeling, I started to get into more detail with it and stuff started to become tedious. Now I have a ton of general knowledge in pharmacology, which I have very little practical usefulness for. I wouldn't be able to get myself to go to school for it. I probably would if there was an incentive for it like the first time I went to college, but I know that even then I would do just enough to get by, and probably eventually drop out when it go too tedious once again.

I feel like I have some sort of fundamental flaw. I can't follow through with anything. I don't know if I'm ADD, or depressed, or just generally fucked in the head or what...

The thing is right now, at this moment, I don't feel depressed. I don't really feel anything either way. I know in the morning when I have to go to work I'll feel dread and want to stay home, but if I stay home I'll just sit around and do nothing because that's the easiest thing to do. I have a genuine ability to enjoy life sometimes, when something is able to capture my mind enough for me to focus on it, but nothing ever lasts. To be honest, right now I'm happy with a lot of things about my life when I think about it. I have a halfway decent job and my own apartment (albeit a filthy one because I can't be bothered to clean shit up) and even a few friends who I can chill with and smoke a joint. I just don't know where the hell I'm going with any of it. Most of the time I can't even be bothered to care. Truth be told I feel like if I didn't have the obligation to get up and go to work and spend so much time there, if I could enjoy the benefits of having a job without the actual having a job part I'd be pretty damn happy. I know that's a childish way to look at things but I can't seem to change it even if I can acknowlege it. It seems like it's just in my nature, I feel like no matter what I do I can't escape it.






Sooo.... Thoughts? Suggestions? I know it's long, I won't hold it against you if you didn't read it all, since if I was in your position I probably wouldn't either. Tell me I'm a genius. Tell me I'm the most disturbed individual you've ever heard of, whatever.


--------------------
A tight tie-dyed dress, she was a psychedelic mess
We toured to the north, south, east and west
We sold some mushroom tea, we sold some ecstasy
We sold nitrous, opium, acid, heroin and PCP
Now I hear the police coming after me


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InvisibleGGreatOne234
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Re: I have no idea what is going on with me, or what to do (long) [Re: omnicrap]
    #7588206 - 11/02/07 03:04 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Your hard drug use kind of sticks out for me reading your paragraphs. Most people who use H are going to have problems in their lifes because of it. I would suggest kicking it (I kicked 8 years ago and now it doesnt even cross my mind to use it again). In the long run all it will do for you is make you sick and make life even more difficult to handle.


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OfflineWScott
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Re: I have no idea what is going on with me, or what to do (long) [Re: GGreatOne234]
    #7588642 - 11/02/07 05:04 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

You said that you had an amazing feeling when you first discovered/began discovering things in pharmacology (for example). You say this feeling fades away, which I think is quite normal. Take for instance this new MacBook I'm typing on right now. I just bought it today and I am very happy that I now have it in my possession. The clean white design, the streamlined operating system and just the fact that it is a laptop (I've never had one). In a few weeks though the novelty will no doubt fade away and it will become what it is; just a laptop.

I recall reading a quotation from Neil Young about making music. The jist of it was that, for him, the majority of the time was a pain in the ass but it was that minority, the time when music evokes those amazing feelings that music sometimes brings around, that made it all worth it. That is what I got from what he said, anyway.

What does this have to do with you? I think that when you start learning about something there is a novelty about it. It is something new. This, I think, creates that passion within you to learn about it. Unfortunately, it (usually) wears off. This is remedied by new aspects, new perceptions, new findings. It needs to be kept fresh in order to keep that feeling alive.


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OfflineSomatic
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Re: I have no idea what is going on with me, or what to do (long) [Re: WScott]
    #7590152 - 11/03/07 03:18 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Im no doctor, but you sound depressed, if you have the motivation, you might think about seeing a counselor or professional about this specifically one that uses those alternative forms of medicine,


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All posts made by this user are purley hypothetical, more over they are totally works of fiction as I am currently resaerching a novel on the subject


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OfflineBooby
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Re: I have no idea what is going on with me, or what to do (long) [Re: omnicrap]
    #7590274 - 11/03/07 06:25 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Other than winning the lottery there is no easy fix. Winning the lottery could well be the end of you anyway, so you're stuck in a holding pattern that will only end with your death, jail, or some other way of getting out of the money dependency (imo).

You might consider joining a monestary and working towards enlightenment. Or you could join the merchant navy and spend months at sea visiting crappy ports while your pay accrued. You could have two or three family's around the world. That's not uncommon.


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Invisibleeeso
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Re: I have no idea what is going on with me, or what to do (long) *DELETED* [Re: omnicrap]
    #7592217 - 11/03/07 07:31 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Post deleted by eeso

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OfflineGill

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Re: I have no idea what is going on with me, or what to do (long) [Re: eeso]
    #7657652 - 11/20/07 02:44 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Sorry to bump a slightly older topic, but...

Jesus. You described me, almost (OP). Though our scenarios are quite different, I can heavily relate to your general mindset. I have a tendency to develop strong interest in something, only for it to lose appeal weeks or months later once I've educated myself sufficiently. I'm at about the same point you are now; I have a handful of past interests I could make a career out of if I really applied myself, but of them, the only one I currently have the desire to pursue is music. I had no interest in school or taking in factual knowledge that I would have little use for, thus I only did well enough to not fail. Like you said, it's not because I was or am stupid.

I've always had difficulties maintaining any sort of routine for very long; I only clean when it's necessary, or when I'm expecting guests. I spend nearly all of my free time in this room piddleshitting away at the PC, or smoking herb whenever I have enough cash sitting around to score a little bag. I tell myself I'm going to start doing this-or-that regularely, and it just never happens for more than maybe a few weeks.

Like you, a good smoke seems to make the difference between feeling average and feeling better than normal. To me, having weed is very placative in and of itself. It just feels good to have that option, so I conserve really well. I'll sometimes sit on a bag for several days or longer before I decide to pack one up. I don't feel bad without weed, and I've only had short (but relatively severe) bouts of depression and self-doubt.

As of right now, excluding a few people I speak to regularely online, I have three friends, a wonderful girlfriend, and a few acquaintences I occasionally smoke out with. Also, I never had a single girlfriend while I was in school.

I've felt 'abnormal' my entire life, like there was one facet of my personality that differenciated me from everyone else in some single, seemingly insignificant, yet massively profound way. I never felt like a pariah, though; not interacting with my peers was entirely my choice, and I was content spending a majority of my time in solitude. My childhood was fairly mundane. My parents divorced when I was too young to remember and I lived with my mother while my father lived out-of-state, only making occasional visits during certain holidays.

As I grew older though, I also grew frustrated at how far alienated from 'normal life' I'd made myself. Things reached a boiling point after I abruptly quit my job. I made several visits to a psychiatrist because I was driving myself crazy with my own thoughts, and was (rather accurately) diagnosed with a condition called "Asperger's Syndrome". I'm not saying you have it or anything, but it's definitely something you should look into so you'll at least know one way or another.

The severity of individual cases sometimes vary greatly. Some live relatively normal lives, while others keep themselves in seclusion, ultimately living and dying alone. The fact that you've been through multiple jobs is a good sign; the job I quit was my first and, so far, only place of employment. To give you an idea, I was nineteen when I was hired. I have no car, no license and now no job.

I was actually very relieved when I found out about Asperger's, and knew that I was a textbook case beyond any reasonable doubt. I don't use it as an excuse, or a way to validate general or social incompetence. It's just nice to know, I guess. I do plan on getting a car/job setup sometime. As much as I would like to just live my life the way I want to without all of its responsibilities and attached stressors, I'm no longer in a position to do that - and here's why.

I wasn't much of a believer in true love. I figured long-lasting relationships were just between two people who could seamlessly merge their lives together and remain content without allowing each other's quirks or habits to interfere. My girlfriend changed that. We met online, and after the two of us clicked quite rapidly, she was shocked to find out I had Asperger's. Why? Because she did too. I knew nothing about this person. She contacted me out of the blue after seeing my website.

She moved down here a few months after we met, and things have been going extremely well ever since. After a certain event that happened between us, I felt for the first time in my life what it was like to place somebody above yourself. Somebody you'd live and die for. Now, even though she has Asperger's, she's currently in art college, her car is paid for, and she's quite capable of driving wherever she needs to go.

Before I met her, I was on the verge of admitting to myself that I would always be alone in life, without the motivation to make something of myself. Though this didn't happen, I think things would have started getting dangerous a few years down the road had I not met her. Even before we met, I began fearing I would eventually become so consumed by these thoughts that I would either lose the ability to function in society altogether and just have to be committed to some institution where I was free from the responsibilities of everyday life, or fall off the deep end and just play the OD card.

Whether you have Asperger's or not, the only advice I can offer from personal experience is to just hang in there as best you can. You'll eventually acquire priorities of your own that outweigh your established lifestyle, and from there, the changes will happen on their own. You don't sound like a lost cause to me. Just a flower that has yet to bloom (as gay and cliché as that sounds).

Fuck, that was a long post. Kinda feels like my brain just took a huge dump. :stoned:


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OfflineQuake3
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Re: I have no idea what is going on with me, or what to do (long) [Re: omnicrap]
    #7658154 - 11/20/07 08:50 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

I read the whole thing. I know it sucks when you take your time to post all that and get no replies. Fortunately, people seem more caring on this forum than most. Anyway..

I don't think the heroin has anything to do with it. Most heroin users I know are quite successful. Anyway, there's a difference between use and abuse, but it seems to me that you know your limits and don't have a problem in this respect.

Now.. you said:
Quote:


I've gotten into kind of a cycle. I get up most days dreading to go to work. Get there, work my 8 hours in silent misery, pretending that I'm fine and things are good, get home, mess around online and do whatever, have my few hours where I feel good, do it again, get some weed and feel better for a couple days, run out, feel somewhat average again, keep going for a week or 2 until I get some money, buy weed and feel good for a week, run out and be back to where I've been while sober for the last year for a while, the cycle begins again. The thing is I'm not stupid. I know I could be pretty much whatever I want if I put my mind to it, I just seem to be unable to put my mind to it. I can't do anything but slide by with minimal effort. I seem to be totally incapable of sustained concentration on anything which is even slightly tedious, monotonous, or frustrating. I have a ton of things I'm interested in, from languages, to pharmacology, to computers and other electronics, to programming. It seems like I've just moved from one to the next over the years though. I get interested in a subject, for a while I concentrate on it like there was nothing else in the world, and eventuall it just gets tiresome. Take my interest in pharmacology.

I feel like I have some sort of fundamental flaw. I can't follow through with anything. I don't know if I'm ADD, or depressed, or just generally fucked in the head or what...




This is normal. 99% of people are like this and will never really do what they want in life. Most people will work jobs that they dread going to. The dread and despair all fade away when the paycheck comes in. Again: This is normal! I've had this problem for 10 years and talked with many many people, straight-out losers, successful people I truly admired, random Joe's, etc.. everyone has interests and ideas to become rich and goals and so forth.. but NOBODY will act on these ideas. Most people spend their free time having fun; whether it's sports, drugs, just hanging out, movies, etc.. nobody will go the extra mile to actually accomplish something.

The people who get brilliant ideas and act on them are an exception. People do get up in the morning and are happy to go to work are an exception. You might know 100 people like that, but they remain a tiny minority. Keep this in mind, and keep in mind that your life consists of your own choices. You CHOOSE to work at a dead-end boring job, and you CHOOSE to go to college, or you CHOOSE to start your own business, or you CHOOSE to not work. This is all up to you. Realizing this won't give you the enthusiasm to do shit, but listen to this:

All humans (exaggeration I think, *almost all*) can do whatever they put their mind to. I've been coding for 10 years, I'm also into pharmacology and ethnobiology. I chose to pursue those hobbies instead of a social life. My friends were out clubbing and I was at home making circles and squares on the computer move or writing computer viruses.

This was my choice - I regret missing out on a rich social life, but I realized that I was capable of doing whatever I pleased. I initially felt exactly like you.. and I really felt that I was very intelligent and wanted this fact recognized, as I felt my talent and skills were going to waste. I didn't want to work at a dead-end job because I was better at programming than my friends who got a Master's for it (I am in college but for another subject, coding was merely a hobby), and I felt like it wasn't fair. I felt that crappy jobs were for people w/ no talents or for people who had no other choice.

I felt that everyone else was an idiot because they couldn't pass without studying. I felt that this was somehow a pass for me to skip ahead in life. Anyone can pass without studying if they chose, but most people just have other priorities. When my priorities shifted from school to something else, I found it hard to keep up and had to study, more than anyone else. All of us humans are the same. You'd be surprised.

This example is sort of stupid but: You know how some people just hate rap? They've seen 50 cent and they just used that to form a general opinion about the ENTIRE rap genre AND hip hop? You know how some people just hate rock? They think that 100% of "rock music" is a guy screaming into a mic? This is being closed minded. Things didn't suck. Life is VERY complex. Don't fall into good/bad always/never mindset. This is how I used to think. In reality, my problem was that I was not willing to "play life." I was egocentric. I didn't accept life's rules and tried to implement my own. I learned to be open minded about everything.

None of us knows why we're here. Deep down all humans know that life is boring. LOOKING for joy won't bring joy.. joy comes when you're occupied with other things. Find what you enjoy and work towards it. When we're kids, we're interested in many things.. at our age, to pursue hobbies, we need money and time. This is why you might feel that you can't enjoy anything anymore. Hobbies are expensive, if not financially, then certainly in terms of hours.

You need to set realistic long term goals. What do you want in the future? You should be able to work towards these little by little. Some of my goals: I want a degree in theoretical physics, I want to build my own house, I want to go on a Buddhist retreat, I want to travel, etc. These all require money, so another goal of mine is to establish financial freedom (via acquiring passive income).

How do YOU want to be in the future? Jot down a list of goals for yourself, physically, socially, etc. I want to be a man of my word, and I want to be honorable. This is a list I keep in my head. So when I am faced with decisions, I eliminate decisions which might hinder my progress towards the items on my list. For example, even lying ONCE will make me not a man of my word, so I never lie. Even small white lies remove the "man of his word" label. (This is just my list, you're free to form your own ethics and values.)

I think your biggest problem was isolating yourself with weed and movies/games. This instills negative thoughts and insights in your head, and makes you feel inadequate because you begin forming false and exaggerated views about people. Remain open-minded and spend enough time with "normal" people and you'll begin to realize you're normal too.


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OfflineQuake3
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Re: I have no idea what is going on with me, or what to do (long) [Re: omnicrap]
    #7658158 - 11/20/07 09:00 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Whoops, submitted twice cause Intertubes broke. Disregard this.


Edited by Quake3 (11/20/07 09:01 AM)


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