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OfflineNiamhNyx
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relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum....
    #7562527 - 10/26/07 10:38 AM (16 years, 5 months ago)

Is it really naive and ridiculous to believe that once you have done a great deal of difficult internal work to become strong, stable, communicative and honest with yourself and others that good relationships will just sort of flow naturally into place (as you should be able to recognize the right people and be capable of making it happen...) Because I've sort of held this notion and once again someone I really like has too much baggage from thier previous relationship to be with me. :undecided: This is an incredibly common theme, and it's incredibly annoying. The only change in the pattern is that it happens faster - over a week or two as opposed to a couple months. I don't get it. Aren't patterns supposed to dissipate once you have figured them out and worked to break them down?

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InvisibleVeritas
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7562574 - 10/26/07 10:47 AM (16 years, 5 months ago)

There are a lot of "shoulds" and "supposed to" statements in that paragraph. :wink:

Human relationships are messy and flawed because humans are messy and flawed because life is messy and flawed.  If this is not acceptable to you, I recommend relocating to a remote cave in Greece.  :lol:

Seriously, though, the only way I've found relief from this frustration is to learn how to really enjoy being alone, not just tolerate it.  When you know that you will enjoy your life without a relationship, the stakes are much lower.  Suddenly you no longer need your partner to be exactly right for you, and you can "allow" (as if they wouldn't do it if you didn't let them!) them to be themselves without negative judgments.

This also opens the possibility of accepting and enjoying yourself without negative judgments, which makes time alone much more fun!  :smile:

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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7562599 - 10/26/07 10:53 AM (16 years, 5 months ago)

This is something I have thought a lot about. My answer now would be that although patterns may somewhat dissipate they almost never go away. Mostly they ebb and flow in my experience. The patterns set by early childhood events set the course for life and all experience will be colored by this. 

Being strong, stable, communicative and honest is a very very rare commodity even in those of us who strive for them. As humans our flaws are legion. If you have done much more work and been luckier at it then the norm you will find little opportunity to come across peers in your day to day experience. It can take years to find one or two. Relationships are even more difficult and will never fulfill your expectations. Relationships are mostly about working on the patterns set from childhood and still unresolved. Don't  count on them to make you happy. They may but it is not assured by any means.

I am grateful to have two or three really good friends in this lifetime. Even those relationships ebb and flow. In the end we will walk our own path. So be grateful you can recognize when something isn't working and you have the strength to let it go before it becomes a real pain in the ass.

Sorry I don't have better news.:monkeydance:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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InvisibleMushmanTheManic
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7563131 - 10/26/07 12:24 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

All of my relationships are different.

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InvisibleOrgoneConclusion
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: Veritas]
    #7563247 - 10/26/07 12:50 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

What do you mean by 'people are messy'?



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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7563402 - 10/26/07 01:33 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

You only can dissolve (and therefore be responsible for) your own patterns. And while you might be coming from an honest perspective and be open, it doesn't mean that others will do that too. Maybe the next pattern you could fight against is getting frustrated over finding people who have issues.
If I were you, I would be glad that it only took a few weeks instead a few months, because you saved a lot of time.


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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InvisibleOrgoneConclusion
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7563456 - 10/26/07 01:54 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)



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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #7564559 - 10/26/07 08:04 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

It's not really that big of a deal or anything, and I certainly don't expect any relationship to make me any happier than I can make myself. I really enjoy my time alone, and believe me, I'm single 99% of the time and only rarely do I ever get bored of it. In fact, I was quite content in it and then along comes this guy I've had my eye on for a couple years... I had absolutely no sense of urgency about it and was just fine with leaving it on the backburner - flirting when I saw him but making no big leaps to accelerate it beyond friendly chats. But then he went ahead and initiated things, and obviously being interested, I was into it. I went in to it rather calmly, not making any grand assumptions about what it would be and really just wanting to take it slow and not make a big deal of it. But then I guess we didn't make explicit statements about where we were coming from soon enough and his baggage and fears outweighed his interest.:shrug:

He's a guy that has gotten himself into a couple of long, miserable relationships that have dragged on way longer than they should have and I think he fears doing it again. His ex was a passive manipulator. The ironic thing is, he wouldn't have to fear that with me as my pattern is the polar opposite and I'm pretty unlikely to cling to a dead relationship for too long, nor manipulate anyone into staying with me when they aren't happy.  Ah well, he's got his work to do and I can't do it for him. Too bad. A tiny, silly part of me just wishes I could be his therapist and get him through this little bump and live happily ever after, but I know it's not how it works and am not pathetic enough to delude myself in that way ever again. I'd just like to develop a friendship because I think he's a really great person and I enjoy his company a lot. I just wish people weren't so damaged. It's a shame, as that damage is self-perpetuating.

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InvisibleJack Albertson
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7564916 - 10/26/07 09:56 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

im just gonna say that relationship patterns repeat for those to stupid to notice the cycles that take place in everyday life. The life cycle applies to more than life and death.


--------------------
Man is timid and apologetic; he is no longer upright; he dares not say "I think," "I am," but quotes some saint or sage. He is ashamed before the blade of grass or the blowing rose.Man postpones or remembers; he does not live in the present, but with reverted eye laments the past, or, heedless of the riches that surround him, stands on tiptoe to foresee the future. He cannot be happy and strong until he too lives with nature in the present, above time
TRANSCEND


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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7565175 - 10/26/07 11:23 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

NiamhNyx said:
I'd just like to develop a friendship because I think he's a really great person and I enjoy his company a lot. I just wish people weren't so damaged. It's a shame, as that damage is self-perpetuating.




Be careful with that because this can become something that creates only bitterness. Because the temptation will always be there and I don't really see a good outcome for that. No matter how determined and strong you are, you have to face the facts, and the facts are that you like him and that as long as you'll have him as a friend in the ways you suggested here, you'll always end up hoping for something more. :shrug:
Maybe the healthiest attitude is to just forget about him for good and get along with your life. I'm sure you'll meet other great persons too, and who don't have all that emotional baggage. :heart:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7565627 - 10/27/07 03:08 AM (16 years, 5 months ago)

We only had a romantic kind of thing for a week or so. I don't think that's long enough to be so utterly obsessive that I can't imagine any kind of relationship other than the physical, exciting kind.:smirk: Yeah, I've had a little bit of a crush on him for quite a while, but no, I don't think I'll spend the rest of my life obsessed with there being some sort of maybe potential for long term romance. Maybe a few weeks or a month, but I'll get over it. I just want to spend my energy developing friendships with people I find interesting and inspiring, and he happens to be exactly the kind of person I have a lot of respect for and want to be around. I can take a break, but when it comes down to it he's the type that I want around me as he is sincere, working on similar projects as I aim to be working on, and just an all around decent person.

I used to date one of my roomates (before we lived together,) and although it took a little while to get past it, I couldn't imagine wanting anything more than a friendship with that dude at this point. I get over things.

ts727 - what are you talking about? I may be the slightest bit drunk at the moment, but I really don't understand what you're trying to say. Patterns repeat for people who are too stupid to realize that patterns repeat? Huh? Care to clarify?

ps - Veritas, your post is awesome. So are several posts in this thread. Thanks dudes. Thanks for tolerating my shameless grab for sympathy and reassurance.

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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7566623 - 10/27/07 12:18 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

A tiny, silly part of me just wishes I could be his therapist and get him through this little bump and live happily ever after, but I know it's not how it works and am not pathetic enough to delude myself in that way ever again.

That's because it isn't a "little" bump. This guy sounds like he has lots of issues with Mater.



I'd just like to develop a friendship because I think he's a really great person and I enjoy his company a lot.

Why not suggest it. And why not, if you and he can handle it, fuck him casually? You don't need to be in a deep relationship to get those needs met.

I just wish people weren't so damaged. It's a shame, as that damage is self-perpetuating.

People? You mean other people? People other than yourself? :lol:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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InvisibleOrgoneConclusion
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: Icelander]
    #7566628 - 10/27/07 12:20 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

People? You mean other people? People other than yourself?




That is ALWAYS what any poster means when they say, "People are so stupid or ignorant or close-minded or..."

WHY CAN'T EVERYONE BE PERFECT LIKE ME?! :hissyfit:


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #7566637 - 10/27/07 12:23 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

No one could be as perfect as you sweetheart.:heart:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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InvisibleOrgoneConclusion
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: Icelander]
    #7566648 - 10/27/07 12:26 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

Aw, gosh... :blush:


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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: Icelander]
    #7566829 - 10/27/07 01:38 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:


That's because it isn't a "little" bump. This guy sounds like he has lots of issues with Mater.





I know. That's why I realize the part of me that wishes for that is silly and living in fantasy land. I'm not holding my breath. :smirk:

Quote:


Why not suggest it. And why not, if you and he can handle it, fuck him casually? You don't need to be in a deep relationship to get those needs met.





We are due for a good talk in the near future, and the pupose of it, for me, is to suggest the friendship thing and clarify where we are coming from and all that. Your suggestion is perhaps a possibility, but I don't think I'd want to put it on the table quite yet, better to take some time and see how things develop. I'd be content with a platonic friendship.


Quote:

People? You mean other people? People other than yourself? :lol:




Exactly. :wink: I am the most grounded, stable person in the universe and everyone else is just so ass backwards that they can't reach my lofty height of perfection. It's a shame. It sure is lonely being at the pinnacle of human perfection. :smirk:

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Offlinemoon_glue
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7566856 - 10/27/07 01:51 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

i have a feeling someone was watching a re run of sex and the city before they made this thread

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InvisibleOrgoneConclusion
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7566907 - 10/27/07 02:14 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

I am the most grounded, stable person in the universe




:bow: :heart: :bow: :heart: :bow:


--------------------

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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: moon_glue]
    #7566934 - 10/27/07 02:29 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

moon_glue said:
i have a feeling someone was watching a re run of sex and the city before they made this thread




I've never seen it. :shrug:

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OfflinePhanTomCat
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Re: relationship patterns repeat over and over and over ad nauseum.... [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7570976 - 10/28/07 08:49 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

NiamhNyx said:
and once again someone I really like has too much baggage from thier previous relationship to be with me. :undecided: This is an incredibly common theme, and it's incredibly annoying. The only change in the pattern is that it happens faster - over a week or two as opposed to a couple months.




This is (unfortunately) a familiar theme in my life as well....
It happens faster because you have learned how to fish out and recognize the indicators of incompatibility....


>^;;^<


--------------------
I'll be your midnight French Fry....  :naughty:

"The most important things in life that are often ignored, are the things that one cannot see...."

>^;;^<

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