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OfflineOneWhoHasSeen
Temporal Anomaly
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Registered: 11/20/04
Posts: 301
Loc: Everywhere and Nowhere
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
My parents want nothing more to do with me.
    #7536912 - 10/19/07 07:42 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

Well, how do I begin?

For those reading, I just want to say ahead of time that I appreciate if you read this all the way through, because I guess I have to go through my whole life to give you the best idea of what has happened.

I was the only child of a rich family, does that say a lot? Basically, everything has always been given to me my whole life. Really, my whole childhood I never learned what it meant to have a job, even worse to pay for anything myself. I got a BMW when I was 15 if you want an example (I did not ask for it by the way). But more staggeringly, my grandfather took out $10,000 dollars and put a down payment on a house. I was in a partnership, he owned 51% of the property, I owned 49%, and the day I was 35 it would all go to me. Over the 24 years that partnership existed, the investment grew to two duplexes and two houses, a total of four properties.

Really, all they ever told me they expected of me was that I went to college. Despite the fact I never made very good grades in High School, I got excellent test scores and was able to get into a really nice college. I was worried though, I have always known that I have been intelligent but it has at many times been a detriment. I have always had the ability to listen to a lecture by a teacher and be able to retain almost everything they taught. Of course, that also meant that I never needed to study to make As and Bs, so I never learned any study skills of any kind. So I was worried about going to a good college.

But I knew, and they didn’t let me forget, that for all the things they had done for me in life all they expected was that I went to college. I left for college and had a lot of learning experiences. The first was credit; I had never dealt with it of course and was completely new to it, so as soon as I got some credit I bought a whole bunch of furniture for our apartment. Later my wife (we were just SO at the time) lost her job and we lost the ability to pay for them, so my parents bailed me out.

So college began getting harder and harder for me. It wasn’t only because I didn’t know how to study, but the fact that more then 70% of my courses were outside of my major and I had no interest in taking them. I guess I didn’t care because I didn’t get to choose what electives to take, the university had a very strict plan that required I specifically take the classes they pre-choose for you. Anyway, to get down to it I didn’t care about college and the only reason I was there was because I did not want to fail in the expectations of my parents.

The stress was killing me, so I left college. But I was so passive, so afraid of confrontation with my parents about not meeting their expectations that I made a very bad decision. I had the Texas Tomorrow plan, so they weren’t paying for tuition or anything. However, they were paying for my books and living expenses at the time so I could go full time. My bad decision was that I did not tell them I quit school because I just couldn’t do it anymore. So for about half a year I lived off their money without going to school. It was a stupid decision made by an inexperienced teenager.

Of course, I got a job and we were soon paying for ourselves. However, the fact I didn’t live up to my parents wants was nagging at me. After about two years of work, I felt I had changed and that I could do college once again. But really, the root of it hadn’t changed, I was still going to college to make them happy and I really didn’t care about being there. I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t really deserve to be there.

So I got stressed again, and I got depressed again. For the first time in my life I secretly began thinking about suicide. I had been convinced that without a college degree I had no future and that my life was basically over. But I took acid one day, and during that trip something snapped, and change came over my thoughts. A third option came over me. Start over again.

There was nothing left in Austin. The reason I stayed there was because in my subconscious I was still attached to the idea of doing what they wished me to do. When I realized that college wasn’t an option, that killing myself wasn’t an option, I realized that there was nothing for me there.

But I couldn’t go back home, it would be going back and somewhere in my mind I knew that my moving back home would only put myself in direct contact with their ever-present expectations. In there mind, why shouldn’t they? So much money they had given me, is a little expectation too much to ask? I still don’t know the answer.

I moved to Boston, and although they begged me not to go they actually gave me some money to help me go there (I did not ask for it by the way). And I admit that without their help we would have fallen short.

But we moved here, we got jobs, we lived on our own. For the whole year I have been here I have not asked for their help once, not once. I never asked for money, never asked for anything. We made it on our own, and although I wasn’t doing what they wanted I was learning so much about life, so much about doing things on my own, separated by a great distance by my parents.

They came down a month ago, and they saw that I was trying to make it, trying to be responsible, trying to change myself, and it was working! So they made an offer, come back to Texas. We will pay for your wife’s college, and you can live rent-free at one of your own homes. We will even throw in a truck that your uncle is getting rid of to boot. Wow, what a deal. We had grown a lot, and realized a good opportunity when it came. My wife REALLY wanted to college, and this seemed the best way.

Then the first stroke came. When I called him a month later to accept his offer, I told him I wanted to trade in the truck for a gas efficient hybrid. Now, remember this is Texas we are talking about, trucks are a status symbol (at least that is my theory for his unhappiness). Of course, this did not go over well. He accused me of making demands, of not appreciating his offer. He accepted, but was not happy about it.

A day after I made some tentative plans with them. I found out from them that one of my houses would be vacant in 6 months, it seemed the best option though I agreed to nothing.

There was a problem though. Winter was setting in. The first year winter here in Boston me and my wife worked at the same place, we carpooled. But now we worked at different places, with different schedules, one car couldn’t work out. She was biking the whole Summer to her other job, but she wouldn’t be able to bike in a foot of snow. Already in autumn the temp was dropping down to the 50s in the morning and she was getting sick by biking in such weather. We budgeted our money, and found an amount that we could afford a month. We didn’t have any money saved up, my wife had just got her job and before that we barely scraped by. The only option was to buy.

We found a 2006 Chevy Cobalt with only 28,000 miles on it and made a loan on it for $10,000 dollars. The loan wasn’t official, we still needed to provide proof of income before they could verify it and it had to wait till tomorrow. I called my grandparents that night. I told them that we had budgeted out our money and we were making car payments on a new car we needed for the winter. They seemed cool with it, and agreed to register it in Texas since we were moving down soon and our other vehicles insurance was already based in Texas.

Then the second stroke came. That night, at 2am in the morning when both of us had to work early in the morning, my grandfather called me back. The whirlwind that came would prove to be the begging of the end of my relationship with the whole side of my family. He couldn’t sleep because he couldn’t believe how I had betrayed him. I had ruined all his plans for me. He didn’t just mean the car either. Now, he was mad about the car, or more specifically how we did not consult him first before buying it. In my mind, since we were doing the payments on it and since we absolutely needed it for winter it wouldn’t be a big deal. But it wasn’t about the car, he was angry that I lied to him during college, that I had spent his money during that deception, that I tried a second time and failed, that I moved away from my entire family to live on my own. They told me they did not want me moving back down to Texas, the deal was off. I told him that I would move anyway, but he told me he wouldn’t pay for my wife’s college, wouldn’t let me live in the house that was supposed to be mine one day. But since he owned 51% of the property, and due to the type of partnership the loan was under, he had complete control over it. He let me know it, and basically told me I could not live there.

But more then that, he called me cruel, that I had maliciously and purposefully deceived and took advantage of him in the past and I was doing it once again. I have made bad decisions in my life, I try hard not to regret anything in life but I did ask for their forgiveness. It did not matter. He could not trust me now because I had betrayed his trust in the past. I wrote this e-mail to them in response.

“I can’t believe you have done this. You falsely accuse me of lying, of being some kind of sneaky bastard that is only after taking advantage of you. I will agree that I have made bad decisions in my life, but who I once was I am not now. Your attack on me tonight was the last straw. I tried to go to college, TWICE, because I knew that is what you wanted of me, so I tried and tried until the stress was tearing me apart. I had to quit or die, never in my life had I been so depressed. Ever since the day I decided to move here I have tried to change myself for the better, try to live life on my own to learn from my mistakes. And I feel I have come a long way, I needed this to get my feet back on the ground, to really find out what I needed to do in life. And now that I have that goal in my mind I wanted to come back to Texas to try to right my mistakes. But I guess that has been ruined now.

I have only tried to change myself for the better. And now you accuse me of being a cruel and heartless person. Now just because we needed a car for the winter so that Michelle can get to and from work you accuse me of somehow trying to undermine or insult you or whatever, I don’t know what kind of elaborate story you have fabricated in your mind. I do know, however, that this is it.

Even now, even after the slander and unjust judgment you have placed on me because of your own twisted portrayal of me, I still love you. But I guess I now know that I will never earn your trust again because you have never forgiven me my past mistakes.

Perhaps one day, when you have forgiven me for what I have done in the past and you are ready to look at me as the man I am now, perhaps that day we can once again become the friends we were when I was a child. Until that day you do what you feel you have to do, I am sorry it had to come to this.


Ma, I love you deeply, I am sorry that I probably wont be writing or calling you for a while. I want you to know that I will always be thinking about you, that you will always be in my heart. Take care of yourself, and be happy.

Goodbye.”

Afterwards I could only feel pity and compassion for them. I felt bad that they miss-understood so bad they were willing to cut connections with me, I felt sad because I still loved them but that he had hurt me.

I called my mother a day later. The conversation started well, but it ended much more differently. I tried to explain to her everything I have mentioned in this post, but things got steadily worse. I could tell she was beginning to become emotional, so I tried to remain calm. That is one thing I did at least through the whole conversation, I at least stayed calm. I told her that the expectations that were put on me for all the money and everything they had done for me in the past still existed. That if I were to go back down to Texas that those expectations would only be placed once again upon me, my grandfathers reaction to such a necessary thing as getting a car for the winter had proved that to me.

She told me that life was full of expectations, that they had a right to have those expectations. That I was selfish for not thinking of her family like she had done when she had me at twenty. She knew that my grandparents (with money even in those days) had given her a lot and she had worked and suffered her whole life to pay them back and to raise me the best she could.

It ended with this, she told me (and I paraphrase), “You have caused me so much pain, and I can’t take it anymore. I never want you to call here again.” I replied, “I am sorry for causing you pain, if you disbelieve everything I have said at least believe this one thing. I never meant to cause you pain, that was never my intention. Though you may never want me to call again, the offer is always open for you to call me at any time. I love you.”

It ended there.

Now its time I send one more letter to them, both my mother and grandparents, one more thing to say. Here it is…

“To my family,

I am sorry for causing you so much pain, I am sorry for being deceptive in my past. I am sorry for those occasions I asked for your help and used your help differently then your wants. I tried to live up to your expectations then, and failed. Even now I have failed to live up to your expectations. But that is one thing I am not sorry for, because I have only tried the best I could in life. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I have always done my best so I cannot regret what has happened. I cannot do otherwise.

If you believe nothing else I have ever told you in my life, at least believe this. I love you, I care for you, and I never intended to cause any of you pain. Though that is exactly what has happened, I never intended for it. My intentions have always been to try and balance my own happiness with yours, so that I could make both of us happy at the same time. But of course, things don’t end up as we always intend.

What is most important to me right now is that we come back to a talking basis. Things like this can tear families apart, parents and children can go decades without talking, and sometimes it follows them to the grave. I cannot abide by that, and since I still love and care for you with all a son can muster, I must do the best I can to fix this relationship. But since I must also consider my own happiness, I can only see one last resort to hopefully mend what has occurred.

The expectations must be dropped, on BOTH sides, from me as well. We must have a clean break.

I must first ask for your final forgiveness for the mistakes I have done in the past, I make no excuse but I hope you can see that they were the mistakes of a person trying to find out who he is in life, a person trying to learn. We need to forgive each other for any pain we might have caused each other for healing to begin.

Also, you have gone through a lot of hardship, and spent a lot of time and money to get the properties of the partnership to where they are now. I have done absolutely nothing for them so I do not deserve them. It is my wish to give my property to my grandparents and to my mother, because it is you who truly deserve them. It must be done legally, as (MY WIFE) will need a loan for college and they count as assets. Although I cannot give you the car back, as we need it for winter, I do want you to stop making insurance payments on it. I will be getting insurance here, but I will need to be registered and for that I will need the title. Finally, I would like payments stop being made to my Midlothian bank account.

There, I think that pretty much covers it. Perhaps now you owe me nothing, and now that I owe nothing to you then our expectations of each other can be dropped. I have the hope that, over time, this will cause the wounds of the past to heal, and we can have a healthy relationship once again.

Finally, I want you to know that I appreciate everything you have done for me in the past, I will appreciate your forgiveness, I will appreciate your understanding, and I appreciate your love. More then anything else in life, more then anything else in this universe, love is the most important and universal truth. Love for those you do not know, love for friends, and especially love for your family is of primary importance. I know that with expectations, obligations, indebt-ness gone, and with the healing power of time, this will come true.

I love you. Live happily.”


It’s done, the e-mail is sent.

Always I have tried not to regret anything. I have always believed that everything that has happened is exactly what needed to happen to get me were I am today. The only thing I can do is do my best and trust that fate and God know the rest.

But there comes a time in everyone’s life were they doubt, it happens to us all. Now a small piece of me doubts. I have trusted, relied on my family my whole life. If they same I am cruel and selfish, an Intelligent mind must admit those things could be true.

So I ask you, what do you think? I am asking for your opinion. Am I cruel? Am I spoiled? Am I wrong? I need an outside perspective on this right now.

I would also like to thank again anyone who made it this far in this incredibly long post. But I needed to get it out, everything, or at least as much as I could.

-onewhohasseen

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InvisibleVeritas
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Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,089
Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7536972 - 10/19/07 08:02 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

Wow. That's quite a post.  I'm guessing that you are MOTH's husband?  I've read her posts on the same issues, and put two and two together.

For whatever it's worth, it sounds like you've done the best you could with what you were capable of at the time, just like we all do.  Perhaps your family WAS let down, perhaps they WERE betrayed, but they also asked for it by giving with strings attached. 

If what you truly want NOW is to be independent, to live your own life, and to owe nothing to your family, then my advice is to continue to make your own way.  If they have an interest in relating to you on an equal basis (as opposed to the one-up basis they have established in the past), then they will contact you.  You have already made your love and intentions quite clear.  :thumbup:

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OfflineOneWhoHasSeen
Temporal Anomaly
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Registered: 11/20/04
Posts: 301
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Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: Veritas]
    #7537053 - 10/19/07 08:19 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks, its good to hear that from someone.


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A Temporal Anomaly

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InvisibleVeritas
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Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,089
Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7537067 - 10/19/07 08:22 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

I'm a parent with two young boys, and I hope that I will be able to let go of my expectations in every aspect of my own giving.  I want them to own their own lives, and not feel that they owe me for the ways I have chosen to help them.  It's all my responsibility, whatever agreements I make with them (though I would not ask them to promise me that their lives will take a certain direction), and so guilt-tripping them for my own choices does not make sense to me.

I wish you well.  :hug:

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Offlinemushroomplume
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Registered: 10/16/06
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: Veritas] * 1
    #7537170 - 10/19/07 08:44 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

I second what Veritas said earlier.

Let your family know you love them, live your life as you wish, be grateful for their help if they offer, harbor no ill feelings for how they may treat you.

Being spoiled is very subjective too. A guest on Jerry Springer lives a life of luxury compared to that of an Ethiopian. Be happy with what you have and know that it will never complete you. Cars, money, college educations, and real estate will never bring about absolute happiness.

*I didn't see enough mentions of lsd in that post, drop more acid bro

:hippie:

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InvisibleBully
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Registered: 07/30/04
Posts: 3,229
Loc: Pennsyltucky, USA
Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7537434 - 10/19/07 09:49 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

did this all begin over a car?

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OfflineOneWhoHasSeen
Temporal Anomaly
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Registered: 11/20/04
Posts: 301
Loc: Everywhere and Nowhere
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: mushroomplume]
    #7538676 - 10/20/07 09:33 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks oliveplume, that is exactly how I feel.  And I will take your advice :mushroom2:


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A Temporal Anomaly

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OfflineOneWhoHasSeen
Temporal Anomaly
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Registered: 11/20/04
Posts: 301
Loc: Everywhere and Nowhere
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: Bully]
    #7538678 - 10/20/07 09:34 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Bully said:
did this all begin over a car?




Yep, that is exactly how it happened. Although I have the feeling that in my families mind it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.


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A Temporal Anomaly

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OfflineSamuel
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7538863 - 10/20/07 10:46 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

You've come a long way, and you've been very faithful and brave to do many of the things you've done. I think it's important to find out who you are without feeling pushed and pulled by expectations from anyone, even yourself.

I'm sorry to hear that this situation has happened between you and your family, and I hope to hear that they overcome their stubborn-ness, forgive you, and stop forcing their expectations onto you, letting you be your own person. I think that it's important not to look back on anything with regret. What's done is done, and that can't change. We can only look forward with love and faith that everything will be right.

I'm proud of you. JC and I are here for you. :hug:
Love,
Sam :heart:

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OfflineOneWhoHasSeen
Temporal Anomaly
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Registered: 11/20/04
Posts: 301
Loc: Everywhere and Nowhere
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: Samuel]
    #7540767 - 10/20/07 08:43 PM (16 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks Sam, thank you for your kind words. Its good to know you have friends who care.


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A Temporal Anomaly

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OfflineOneWhoHasSeen
Temporal Anomaly
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Registered: 11/20/04
Posts: 301
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7540840 - 10/20/07 09:16 PM (16 years, 4 months ago)

She has replied...

"Kevin it is only now that you are sorry for causing us pain. If you had thought about this earlier maybe we would not be going through this now. But once again you both wanted something (college, a free place to live and love without conditions)and this comes with a price. Your loyalty, respect, obligation and love for our family does come with a price. But once again we ask for these things and you are not willing to give. You say you are sorry but sometimes saying this is not enough (we are human and we also have feelings). Saying these words is easy but living up to them is hard sometimes saying this is not enough. Proving these words is something you have to work at every day. Talk is cheep standing up and proving this is a lot harder. If you were truly grown up you would realize this (once I did it was one of the hardest things I had to do). It seems like you think love, family, loyalty and obligation to you sould just be there for you no matter what well here is a leason it is not free it is WORK a never WORK. After I was abused as a child and then became a mother I had to learn to give love, respect, obligation, loyalty to the person that abused me and this is something that is so hard to do that I thought that my heart and mind and spirt would split into (but I did it and became a better person). You had a great life with us we never asked much from you but your love, respect, obligation and loyalty this is all I ever asked. When you moved away you cheated, lied and stole form us not just money but love, respect, obligation and loyalty. I am sorry for you that you think that these things do not have a price (but they do) we are human and you broke all of your hearts.

You say you never intended to cause us pain you say you love us and you say you care and that you want this family togeather it is hard to beleive this after all that has happened. Kevin times get tough families fight families hurt and this is when it is the hardest to show these things but in the end you have to come back around and prove that you do love your family. But once again Kenneth expressed his feelings and all you did again is run away. This is not love, family, loyalty or caring all this is is being selfish and self centered.

I am sorry for you that all you think of is your own happiness this will only lead to heartbreak and lonlyness. In life you do have to think of others (not just yourself). It is very hard to fix relationships with loved ones when all you think about is yourself and your own happiness. In relationships you should try to make things well rounded. Nothing is free and in relationships you should try to make everyone happy not just yourself. You do have to work every day to show love, respect, obligation and loyalty this way everyone feels these things and it is all even.

If you think because we have expectations of you that this is wrong than I feel sorry for you. Everyone has expectations for there loved ones maybe someday you will realize this. I hope for your sake you realize this other wise you are heading down a path of heartbreak and lonlyness.

You say you want forgiveness from us. Asking this without showing us is something you can not ask. All of our hearts have been truly broken. You have robbed us of so much (your wedding your love your apprecition,respect and loyalty). Do you really think that you do not have a obligation to prove these things that you have taken from us? Love, family, loyalty and respect allways comes with a price. I think you need to look at your relationship with Michelle her love and loyalty comes with expectations like all relationships. You prove these everyday don't you. You are expected to work, care, love, loyalty and respect not only does she expect these things but you also have a obligation to do these things. If you do not than your relationship is a lie. Just to say all you want is to be happy is a lie because in life just to be happy can not happen.

You say that I owe you nothing and that you owe me nothing and that we owe each other no obligation, loyalty or expectations this is a lie and selfish. I think you need to really think about this otherwise any relationship will not survive. You see Kevin Marige and family are a lot alike. They both deserve love, respect, expectation, obligation and loyalty without these things you do not have true love.

Until you figure out that expectations obligation, love, loyalty and indebt ness is in all relationships you will not be truly happy. I hope someday you will figure this out someday so you can be truly happy. Until then Please leave us alone."

I guess that is it, we are at a philosophical impasse.


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A Temporal Anomaly

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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7540888 - 10/20/07 09:42 PM (16 years, 4 months ago)

I'm really saying a mantra right now...(krishna krishna krishna) to restrain myself from lashing out...at such a demonic cunt.  :shocked:

Sorry baby.  I'm so sorry that she's being like this but you just gotta let her go.  She's not happy.  She's chosen to believe it's not possible.  She doesn't know.  She is a wandering animal like the rest of us, lost in her/our ignorance.  All you can do is let her go and live her life how she wants while you do the same.

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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Posts: 14,794
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: MOTH]
    #7540902 - 10/20/07 09:48 PM (16 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

MOTH said:
I'm really saying a mantra right now...(krishna krishna krishna) to restrain myself from lashing out...at such a demonic cunt.  :shocked:

Sorry baby.  I'm so sorry that she's being like this but you just gotta let her go.  She's not happy.  She's chosen to believe it's not possible.  She doesn't know.  She is a wandering animal like the rest of us, lost in her/our ignorance.  All you can do is let her go and live her life how she wants while you do the same.




:thumbup:


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:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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OfflineMushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7540924 - 10/20/07 10:02 PM (16 years, 4 months ago)

I have a family just like yours and for many years I lived with the feeling that I never came even close to their expectations. My mother was married to this guy who was my "step dad" and they both used on me the SAME emotional blackmail they I see in those lines.
For a very long time I really felt that something was essentially wrong with me and that I didn't deserve what they "offered" me, and that they were really nice persons which were suffering because of me. Fast forward a few years and lots of severe wake up calls and I found myself in similar situations as they were with me. Cases in which I could react exactly the way as they did and use emotional blackmail on others. It was only then when I realized that all they did was on purpose because if I were to do the same thing as them, it would have been solely on purpose, coming from fear and lack of love. It would have been a lack of honesty towards myself and in extent to others. So I chose NOT to do it, but I also realized that I had nothing to feel guilty about.
It's such a shame that those who raise you up and you use as a reference for so many years turn out to be manipulative bitches. Sorry for the harsh words, but that's the truth. I guess this is only an opportunity, for those who had such experiences with their parents, on opportunity to grow up and learn that the most important thing is honesty. Because from honesty comes unconditional love and a chance to be deeply happy.
I wish you the best and I know that you have the determination to get over that and live your life the way you feel, free from any guilt and doubt. :heart:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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OfflineOneWhoHasSeen
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7541118 - 10/20/07 11:29 PM (16 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks Moth and Mushroomtrip,

It seems there are more then a few people that have had to go through similar things, thank you for your wise words.


--------------------
A Temporal Anomaly

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InvisibleCrake
Stranger


Registered: 12/04/07
Posts: 194
Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7719841 - 12/05/07 02:11 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Ahh, how this story reminds me of my own. Granted I was born into a poor family, the same oppressing bologna still went on. It makes me want to read Herman Hesse's' book 'Siddhartha' then walk on down the path after reading other peoples similar life experiences. In the end, it's all we can do is to live... and most importantly LET LIVE.

just my two cents;)


--------------------
MANGO

Snowman wakes before dawn. He lies unmoving, listening to the tide coming in, wave after wave sloshing over the various barricades, wish-wash, wish-wash, the rhythm of heartbeat. He would so like to believe he is still asleep.

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OfflineMaverick
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: Crake]
    #7720083 - 12/05/07 03:15 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Want to know a funny story? I'll tell you it happened similar, it's of a friend of mine who's now my best friend. He flipped out, things went wrong, and he disappeared for two years and didn't even bother trying to contact his parents, he decided to give it a lot of time.

3 years past. His parents thought he was dead but his brother finally found him, now they're living in Reno, he's got a good relationship w/ his parents again, and things are smooth. Leaving home and going far away out of the blue, and then making it makes people respect you.

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OfflineSapphireCat
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: Maverick]
    #7721636 - 12/05/07 08:07 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

i'm so sorry man that you had to go through this. my heart bleeds for you. Everyone's entitled to their opinion i guess. but i couldn't read past the first paragraph of your mother's letter. I find love should be unconditional, that not everything has its price. and that one should help out his fellow man wherever he can. split his last loaf of bread, that sorta thing.

i find it admirable that you are trying so hard to keep up contact and rebuild the relationship with your parents even though it's so difficult. I for one have lost the meaning of the classic family. and have built my own, with good hearted people, that i'd put my hand in my fire for. I respect my parents and acknowledge they have given me alot, but our morals and ideals conflict and i find it wiser to dedicate myself to those that i can help and those who have helped me out of tight spots in the past.

I'm not saying give up on your family. but realise that your energy at the moment is wasted on them. they are not ready to start healing yet, they are still licking their wounds. Honour them in your actions, by being a good person. and after some time the pain has faded a bit, return to them open hearted and see if they can embrace you and learn to forgive.

you seem to have started finding yourself, and created a true sense of self, don't let their actions in pain demoralise you from being who you want to be and continuing on your path.

i wish you the best of luck and that the future holds more comfort than the past. your story really touched me deeply. Keep loving and share compassion with all you encounter man.


--------------------
Beauty of style and harmony and grace and good rhythm depend on Simplicity ~Plato

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OfflineManianFH
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7721736 - 12/05/07 08:25 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

If you are happy with the life you have with your wife, then you have done well in life.

In the end, its not about the money, though many people may say that. Its about having love for those close to you. Now you have your Wife... you family has let you go, I say turn away and dont look back; if they ever come around again, you sound like an open-minded person who would be willing to talk and mend.

Turn away and dont look back man. Live your life, and give all that love to your new family. Make happiness there, and life will fulfill itself, you will be successful at it.


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Invisiblemachination
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Loc: Hringhorni
Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7723342 - 12/06/07 07:18 AM (16 years, 3 months ago)

you might ahllways be their child if you think you are.. rather than allow them to respect you as an equal, meaning respect them. we pretend this too shal pass and it does ; ) move luch


--------------------
"Have you not learned that your word is bond? Yes, my word is bond and bond is life, I shall give my life, before my word shall fail."

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OfflineJoseLibrado
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: machination]
    #7723537 - 12/06/07 08:29 AM (16 years, 3 months ago)

hey

Listen man, i think the reason your parents want to distant themselves from you is that they think your gonna hurt them again because of your belief in unconditional love. However, i think there has been a miscommunication in regards to what love means.

Love to them means something conditional because they have no notion of love unconditional, for life. Think about our society and how it affects this into people, especially those who are in the illusion that they feel and think in societies ways, because thats who they are, when little do they see that who they are, was molded indefinatly.

I suggest clearing it up with your mother, that although you do love them and all people unconditionally, you do not like all people unconditionally. She speaks of love and having expectations and you dont. But she speaks of romantic love, the love shown in the movies, the one you love, love. lol

The difference between these is that one is acceptance which is unconditional, but one is a particular liking for a certain person. In this, she is startled when you say you love people without condition, because she thinks you like and treat the people you like, without having any expectations about them. But not having expecations seems impossible, when it comes to who you like. Who you like, is a direct reflection of who you do not like, and vice versa. like is a preference, and to her thats what love is, simply who you like.
In this she is confused shocked and fearful of being in a relation with you, because she thinks you are lying about loving them. She's thinking that you cant possibly love anyone without expectations so she concludes that you are just lying so you can take some money from them, again.

Making this clear can really, show her an aspect of you that may clear the air and possibly rebuild the gates of communication and

I have had similair instances where people say "You cannot love anyone thats crazy" And i said, i can and argued for hours, simply because we saw love in different ways. They felt i was crazy and even felt sorry for me, because they thought that i was heading towards an abusive relationship where i would say " oh i cant leave being abused, i love them!" haha.

kool. I love you, it seems. :heart:
Bye and back into the now haha.


--------------------
The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.

And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.

Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.

Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....

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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male


Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7724832 - 12/06/07 02:49 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

You don't owe them a thing. You needn't be sorry or apologize for being human, learning from mistakes and growing up. The problem is there's and not yours.

Time to move ahead and create a life for yourself and those who care enough about you to let you be who you are. Good luck.:thumbup:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7725594 - 12/06/07 06:10 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Icelander is right. The problem here is that your parents have always expected you to be a miniature version of themselves, to do what they want you to do rather than to grow into the individual you are. If they really wanted to 'help' you, they would have asked you what you wanted in life, and how they could contribute to that. Throwing cash at you and giving you cars and houses isn't help. It's manipulation. They use thier money to buy your obedience. If they wanted to help you, they would ask you to discover your passion, and offer to contribute to any education needed to fulfill it. And considering how much they have, they really shouldn't lord it over you when they throw a little your way in the middle of hard times. Again, they sound like manipulative, selfish people.

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OfflineOneWhoHasSeen
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #7725996 - 12/06/07 08:00 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Wow,

It is so good to hear from so many people who have felt the same way, and to hear your wisdom. After reading everything, I was filled with hope.

Time has passed now, and I have still not spoken to my Mother. The truth is, I have never had anything to talk with her about. Anytime we did speak it was just small talk, I could never even broach a serious conversation with her. Honestly, some time away from her feels pretty good.

I have a good relationship still with my grandparents. I honestly don't know what they think about all that happened, but I am going down there for Christmas and they were kind enough to pay for my rather expensive ticket.

I guess I will really know the result of all this once I see them in person.

Thanks again everyone.


--------------------
A Temporal Anomaly

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OfflineSurReality
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7728120 - 12/07/07 10:22 AM (16 years, 3 months ago)

instead of writing your family a long well thought out philosophy, try to think one meaningful question.

i cant understand... How could someone give their child so many material items- an expensive car before you can drive, property, college education, his own place to live- but refuse to give that child their love for any reason?

it is very unfortunate this can happen between a mother and child, but at least you have people in your life that love you- im sure alot people who are in similar situations cannot even say that; you should try not let this fucked up situation get to you and care for the people in your life as you feel you parents should care for you.


--------------------
ProDOPEFiend Diary: (my public diary)

PodCast

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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: SurReality]
    #7728716 - 12/07/07 01:19 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

No.
I used to think that a lot.
That parents should care for their children, and, in extent, my parents should understand my needs, not what they think I need.
It only brings bad and confused feelings.
Neither parents or children should do anything.
If a child realizes that his parents are not a good influence in their lives, the problem is as simple as it gets: stop being around them. I've learned that this is the healthiest and most efficient manner to treat these problems, free of all the shoulds and woulds imposed by a sick society or culture.
We all have the means and power to care for ourselves, why give this incredible ability in the hands of someone else?


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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OfflineSurReality
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7728849 - 12/07/07 01:52 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

OneWhoHasSeen,
Have you tried apologizing to them? (i havent read completely into this) after all those issues are in the past and you have grown to an adult, your married, you don't need them... isn't natural for parents to throw away things they didnt like about their child once ummm they're not a child?


--------------------
ProDOPEFiend Diary: (my public diary)

PodCast

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InvisibleOneMoreRobot3021
Male


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Posts: 61,024
Loc: the sky
Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7729174 - 12/07/07 03:07 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

MushroomTrip said:
If a child realizes that his parents are not a good influence in their lives, the problem is as simple as it gets: stop being around them.




It took me a few years to come to this same conclusion and sever ties with my father. I am undoubtedly the better for it.


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis

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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: SurReality]
    #7729295 - 12/07/07 03:39 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

SurReality said:
OneWhoHasSeen,
Have you tried apologizing to them? (i havent read completely into this) after all those issues are in the past and you have grown to an adult, your married, you don't need them... isn't natural for parents to throw away things they didnt like about their child once ummm they're not a child?




"i havent read completely into this."

Then I suggest that you should because your advice is totally inadequate.
Please make no mistake into falling in that trap we all usually fall when it comes to family etiquette.
His entire life, his parents treated him like this. Love and comfort at the exchange that he does what he "should", what they think he should.
I am well aware of the hard and long formed social imprint that parents usually have, and that they deluded themselves with an erroneous idea regarding what raising a child means that they really reached a point where they truly believe that their way is the right way, but this doesn't mean that the child has to submit to what obviously is a seriously toxic environment and mentality.
For what exactly should he apologize to his parents? For being the person that he is, which incidentally is not what they had in mind for him?
Tell me, do you get upset at life for not playing along with your plans? Because it is the same thing with him and his parents.
Love is about accepting who the other person is. Maturity translates into becoming aware that it's not our duty to change the others, be it lovers, children or friends. This not only that facilitates communication between individuals, but it's also a huge relief for the selves. Because we become free of a responsibility that was never ours. And saves us of a lot of energy which we can invest into our own well being.
I hope I am getting through to you with that and that maybe next time you will at least read the entire story before giving advices.


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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OfflineSurReality
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7729375 - 12/07/07 04:01 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

im sorry i didnt read the entire story. although my question was just that and not at all ment as advice, i really was curious if he has tried apologizing- maybe i had the wrong impression, but i thought maybe he felt bad for not living up to his parents expectations. im not saying he should've tried to satisfy their selfish expectations, but if he felt bad and did apologized and his parents didn't except that- then he is not at all at fault, because they won't let go of something that can't possibly be changed.


--------------------
ProDOPEFiend Diary: (my public diary)

PodCast

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InvisibleGGreatOne234
Stranger
Registered: 12/23/99
Posts: 8,946
Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7737869 - 12/09/07 07:15 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

&feature=related

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Offlinedistgre1
...
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: GGreatOne234]
    #7738491 - 12/09/07 09:48 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

I hope things work out for you.

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InvisibleMastamike1118
Male


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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: distgre1]
    #7742484 - 12/10/07 08:04 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

dude life is so fucking long and surprising if you want a relationship with them you have good chances... id think at least...

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OfflineGreat Scott
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Re: My parents want nothing more to do with me. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #7742861 - 12/10/07 09:38 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Love your mom, dude.
It sounds like she's got her head (identity-ego-etc.) caught up in soooo much old world bullshit that she may never lighten up in this lifetime.
'Tis a damn shame.  Communication breakdown.
Keep your chin up there mr. one who has seen... life will get better.  It always does. :heart:


Quote:

OneWhoHasSeen said:
love without conditions



Quote:

OneWhoHasSeen said:
and this comes with a price.




LOL :rofl:

:foreheadslap:


--------------------
:thumbup: :thumbdown:

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