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friedpiper
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Registered: 10/17/07
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Last seen: 15 years, 13 days
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Am I seriously going crazy? please help! (long story)
#7526404 - 10/17/07 01:15 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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Hey everyone....I'm currently 21 and recently I have been looking through a lot of the posts in this forum and some of situations are similar to mine which makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who feels this way.
When I was 19 I had an extremely bad shroom trip. It was my second time eating them and I didn't really research much about them but I ate 5.3 grams using the lemon extraction method with bong hits of weed. Which is obviously way to much for someone so inexperienced. During the trip I felt like I would be in that mental state forever, thought loops that seemed to last an eternity, extreme time dilation, the typical bad trip. So I didn't eat them again for a year and only smoked weed occasionally. I should also mention that I was extremely depressed before eating the shrooms.
Last December I felt I was ready to try them again. So from about December until April I ate them about 6 times at fairly low doses, usually about 2.5 grams with my tripping buddy and we had pretty good trips for the most part, also smoked weed a few times but not much. But I felt that my perception of reality was becoming seriously messed up so I completely stooped.
But I still feel my perception is screwed up and the last time I did any drugs was in April. It's weird because I feel a disconnection from reality but at the same time I feel more aware of myself than ever before. I'm really depressed right now and I feel the only way to escape this living nightmare is by committing suicide. Maybe it's not just the drugs and maybe it's just maturation like I've read in another post and I'm just realizing how much of a fuck up I am and how horrible my lifestyle is.
I can't even believe this is my life I'm talking about, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to even post this, it just seems so messed up. I've been avoiding thinking about my life by playing video games/online games, watching TV, and messing around on the internet. Those are literally the only hobbies I have since I was 17. I lay in bed all the time and am usually up at night and asleep in the day.
I live with my grandparents and I go to a community college but don't have a job. I get good grades and have a 3.5 GPA, but it isn't very difficult. Even if I get a degree and a job I still am afraid my mental state won't get any better. I only have a few friends that I made in high school, but I only talk to them online now and they've told me before that they are concerned about me and think I am insane. I haven't told my grandparents or my mom I feel this way, I've basically been pretending like everything is fine.
Am I insane or have psychosis? I was thinking that I was just shy or introverted, but I just can't live like this anymore, and I don't know if there's any hope for me. I don't hear voices, or have panic attacks or anything like that. I feel like I'm going to end up like Syd Barret, but I can't let that happen. I'm constantly questioning my sanity everyday and I just feel so scared about my future. The only thing holding me back from committing suicide is I'm afraid of what will happen to my mom. I'm starting to think I seriously need to go to therapy or get medicated but I don't want to become a vegetable. I feel like I'm a shroom casualty, and it seems other people can tell that something is wrong with me by the way they look at me and respond to me. please let me know what you think and if you have any advice or opinions for me.
Edited by friedpiper (10/17/07 08:14 AM)
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rodfarva
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Registered: 07/31/07
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: friedpiper]
#7526437 - 10/17/07 01:42 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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Seeking advice is a mature thing to do.
The short part you know already: your fucked up.
The long part is you need to fix that. Killing yourself works, but sucks, very painful! then your gone, what the shit is that. Your soul will be damaged as it passes beyond our reality. Perhaps it already has been damaged from a previous exsistance. Well I'm not going to get all metaphysical.
-stop doing drugs -stop smoking and drinking -eat only whole foods; preferably organic. (food that you can identify where it grew: a whole apple, or a whole potato. Stop eating Fries and drinking apple juice from the store) -Drink shit tons of water. -look in to different types of fasting and cleansing. (after all you thought you could do the hippie shit you wanted and none of the hard stuff right? You need balance my son.) -Take up some physical activity. your new minimum is 60 minutes a day of fast paced activity (that makes you sweat alot.) I suggest working out by doing different things like running and lifting. -do YOGA; i don't care how gay you feel. I can beat your ass and i do it. 
Stop subjecting yourself to negativity
-do not watch TV -DO NOT WATCH TV. -Do not read the news or watch the news. -dont read the internet, read books. All the time. Start with uplifting books like self help / non-fiction. -Dont be around arguments of any kind -vent frustrations. Yoga is good, boxing is better. -spend two hours a day out doors. I dont care where you live. -20 f or 95 f ill still go outside.
Now you need to get laid, seriously. -take care of yourself -go tanning -wear cologne -dress up -waste money on cloths. -hang out where cute girls are, stay away from negative places like the bar. i always get laid when i meet chicks at the student building. Its easy, just start talking. Hot chicks are easier to talk to than ugly ones.
Your life needs more dimensions. A healthy work life and social life balance you out. The more you experience in life the less time you have to degenerate into a mash-potato glob that feels like shit every day and wants to die.
Don't trust yourself. You need outside motivation. Involve people you know in taking these steps.
I just saved your life.
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ZShroom
Stranger


Registered: 07/08/07
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: rodfarva]
#7526527 - 10/17/07 02:23 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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i read ur post and was gonna give advice, and was really ready to feel better about myself from telling u the above things but this asshole beat me to it. I could'nt have said it better myself. One point i will make is that on the way and even when u are done ur healing process you will still feel anger and go through problems and that is the beauty of this world! Fight through the beautiful disaster and u will love ur self for not being a pussy about it! Go running!
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ZShroom
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: ZShroom]
#7526530 - 10/17/07 02:26 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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and this from a similar post NiamhNyx said:
Civilization is working against you, it works against all of us. You aren't crazy for feeling this way! I like what Derrick Jensen has to say about despair, anger and other seemingly 'negative' emotions - he says that it is normal and natural to feel this way in a world that is so horrific, that feeling this way shows that we are becoming aware of what is around us. Don't run from this, work through it. Trust yourself. Find a place of groundedness, if that is the zen thing in the mornings than great. We all have our own ways to feel grounded. For me it's often a hot bath, breathing and reminding myself that if I want to be calm I am capable of finding that place in me. Sometimes it's yoga, or a noise show, or gregorian chant. Sometimes it's snuggling or talking. Just focus inwardly, pay attention to what your body and subconscious are calling out for. Feed them.
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rodfarva
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Registered: 07/31/07
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: ZShroom]
#7526532 - 10/17/07 02:28 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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Thanks Z.
Society tries to trap you in a state you are in now: beaten. Now you are paying to stay alive, living as a consumer and not an entity.
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ZShroom
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Registered: 07/08/07
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: rodfarva]
#7526538 - 10/17/07 02:33 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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damn we need to hang out sometime
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friedpiper
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Registered: 10/17/07
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: ZShroom]
#7526812 - 10/17/07 07:15 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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Thank you so much for the advice. I already am feeling better that I'm communicating about my problems because I've kept them bottled up for so long and haven't told a single person about them. It seems like everyone my age is working and/or going to school, has friends, goes to parties, etc.
It makes me deeply depressed compared to my lifestyle. I've let myself fall into such a deep hole over the past 6 years which is actually when I started smoking weed. I just feel so helpless over my current situation, I've become so apathetic about life as well which is why I've been living this way and the main reason I did those drugs was to escape my reality. I did really enjoy the good trips I had on shrooms though, the visuals were beautiful and I loved how the perception changes and makes reality seem so comical.
But I feel that my depression and isolation has really damaged me the most. What worries me now is how I'm going to get the motivation to change my life around. It's either that or suicide, because this is all I think about lately and I can't stop crying when I think about how bad it's gotten.
Some of those things you listed seems almost impossible for me because I have social anxiety. And my social skills are almost non-existent with strangers, I won't even know what to say, I feel like I have no personality anymore and no sense of humor. Though I am able to have perfectly normal conversations with my mom so I'm not completely fucked up.
Edited by friedpiper (10/17/07 09:56 AM)
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friedpiper
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: friedpiper]
#7526849 - 10/17/07 07:49 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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I think I should also mention that during my childhood I was abused physically by my step dad and psychologically with religion (which I don't believe in anymore, I'm an atheist). Anyway I was thinking that's probably another major factor that contributed to my depression and low self-esteem and really is effecting me now. Do you guys think I should get professional therapy too?
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fake estate
didgin it out



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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: friedpiper]
#7527442 - 10/17/07 12:02 PM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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you must learn to understand that you can be true to yourself and only yourself..try new things that make you feel good, because only you know what its like to feel good...learn new techniques to better yourself
we will be here to guide you but you have to take the baby steps that will ultimately make your life an awesome experience
and if it makes you feel any better...myself and a lot of other people are going thru the same things..this just came to me:we are finally unplugged from the 'matrix'..at first we will be weak, tired, and confused...but soon we will have enormous amounts of energy to do as we please in this fucked up world
-------------------- eat more algae.
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ZShroom
Stranger


Registered: 07/08/07
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: fake estate]
#7528080 - 10/17/07 02:53 PM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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dude u are being way to hard on yourself! EVERYONE has problems and not everyone is a social person, LIFE IS ABOUT ADAPTING TO YOUR SURROUNDINGS, sounds like life has gotten the best of you, and that is what it wants! The only thing left I can tell u is FIGHT BACK and use aggression! That worked for me for the most part. But, like i said above, life will never be perfect and it is always a working process. USE what pisses u off like how ur stepfagotfather used to beat the shit out of u and how they tried to put religon in your head. I mean alot of people look at anger and aggression the wrong way! IT IS THE KEY! Use it! Listen To TOOL! Go to boxing class, get heathy and when ur ready trip again! TOTAL TRANSFORMATION!
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Tangerines




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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: ZShroom]
#7528157 - 10/17/07 03:14 PM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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ZShroom says listen to Tool and I really must agree. Tool's music has really helped me get past some rough spots. I cannot even explain it but I am sure its shed light for some people like they did for me.
Anyways I was/am like you friedpiper. In the middle of recovery. Weird thing is my mom knows it though I never talked to her about it. Moms are awesome no matter how naggy or what. They know you better than ANYONE else in the world.
anyways...instead of dwelling(think 311-Don't Dwell) find the thought that is sad/scary/whatever and think to yourself in an honest non-biased way "How can I change this?"
Find yout niche persay. I am sort of repeating what is said but whatever can help you man. Suicide is not the answer.
Now the hardest part of all is the social part. Mentally and physically have %100 control(for the most ppart) but to recover socially is HARD. I still am a shy person most of the time and can never spark convos. and when people spark them with me I fail miserably. I am working on it, everyday is a little bit better.
On the girl issue, I am 19 a virgin and have zero luck with the ladies. which is sad because I am a tall decent looking guy and I KNOW I could get laid but something is holding me back. But whatever I would first rather get my innerself right before trying my intraself(word?)
not sure if this helped because its from someone simialar to you just a little "healthier" persay. I know the feeling. I have no one I can talk to about these things except a few friends back at home I don't talk to because I am here at school.
Good luck.
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vitadura
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: ZShroom]
#7528163 - 10/17/07 03:16 PM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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It's been said that therapy can help, but it doesn't necessarily fix anything. If you think you could benefit from therapy, try it. Besides, you can always say, "I'm not coming back next week, I don't think this time is benefiting me."
Exercise and cleansing really can help, too. I probably wouldn't suggest spending a lot of money on clothing or going tanning, as going into debt and getting skin cancer are likely to not make you feel any better than you already do.
Best of luck, and know that you can always find support from [most of] us here at the shroomery.
-------------------- "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." -Max Ehrmann, Desiderata
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rodfarva
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Registered: 07/31/07
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: ZShroom]
#7528167 - 10/17/07 03:17 PM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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Yeah my stepdad put me in the hospital several times growing up. One day i knocked his ass out and moved away. It felt shity at the time but alot of good came from it. I have strong social skills seeing as i talk for a living, so take it from me, it can be easy. Put yourself in situtations where people are non pretentious. On the other hand though, a little social conformity goes a long way. I hate to say it because i have a unique style, but you should try and fill the roll. By some nice shit, like a button down shirt and jeans. Stay away from solids. If you like to pimp wear a suit. I wear suits 7 days a week and its funny how differnt people treat you.
Do a little experiment for yourself. Change your style for a day to something compleatly differnt. Throw on some fubu and a ball cap to the side and see how the flow changes.
What im talking about here is trivial, and i hate people that are stuck on these things like clothing, but it is a good example on how to be appraochable.
You can always make friends with certain types of people. Go up and introduce yourself. You know how. You wont be nervous if you arnt forcing your self so just rent some movies like with vince vaughn and when you approach a girl start talking. Use comon sence judgment when you speak. Allways let them talk more.
I love going to the bar alone on an off day and seeing who i meet. People say i know everyone in the state. I take that as a big compliment. They look up to me in a way. (mostly because we never wait in line or pay for things.)
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MOTH
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: friedpiper]
#7529006 - 10/17/07 07:23 PM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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You have the power to change your reality. Never forget that. If you don't like where you're at, then change it.
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Fraggin
Multi-Faceted



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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: MOTH]
#7529212 - 10/17/07 08:31 PM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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rodfarva
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: Fraggin]
#7529773 - 10/18/07 12:44 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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I think im the crazy one any way. Ive never had a "normal conversation" with my mother.
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ZShroom
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Registered: 07/08/07
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: rodfarva]
#7529783 - 10/18/07 12:49 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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what does normal mean?
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rodfarva
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: ZShroom]
#7529824 - 10/18/07 01:14 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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where you dont argue and listen to some bull shit about how she does so much. i love her, but i work to hard to hear it sometimes.
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ZShroom
Stranger


Registered: 07/08/07
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: rodfarva]
#7529889 - 10/18/07 01:51 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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oh yeah i know how that goes, i just smile and say i love u that pisses her off so bad she has to drop it and smile also! (easy way out)
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rodfarva
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Registered: 07/31/07
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Re: Am I seriously crazy? please help! [Re: ZShroom]
#7529905 - 10/18/07 01:58 AM (16 years, 3 months ago) |
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3 of our friends and i will talk all night with her.
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