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OfflineCrystal G
I'm a teapot


Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 5 days
Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins"
    #7518622 - 10/15/07 08:04 AM (16 years, 3 months ago)

My mom ended up visiting me in vegas the other day. The day I scored some NICE fucking heroin and must have been on a fucking GOOD one, because for some reason I proceeded to get drunk as fuck in a (male) strip club with my mom, and admit to her about my CBT/BDSM/past as a dominatrix while laughing my ass off about it the entire time. I even depicted exactly what it was like to her in a cartoon picture complete with stick figures. Then I showed her one of my videos of me electrocuting some poor guy to which she said "You're a sick sadistic fuck." HHAHAHAHAAAHAHA. I EVEN TRIED TO LAND MY OWN FUCKING MOM A JOB IN THE INDUSTRY!!! (she declined though...bitch. she has ten times more potential than me too)

YES, I REALIZE, there are so many things wrong with this scenario, I don't even know where to begin.

HAHAAHAH man, i cant handle it anymore, this city is making me fucking nuts. Something about this city, the longer I stay in it, the more I hate it. it's all fucking fake-ass bullshit, you know, it's really building up a lot of resentment and tension in me... I feel like my behavior is really getting out of control and I need therapy. fast. something about doing downer-only drugs, they make me feel like I'm god. They give me the ULTIMATE FUCKING POWER or some shit.

Ever since I quit meth man, I ain't scared of SHIT. I throw glasses at windows for no fucking reason. I bump into people and scream "FUCK YOU!" like i'm trying to start shit. even at the strip club (I don't even know why I went, just to make my mom happy, she likes that kinda shit), I mouthed off to the dude "Get your fake ass fucking steroid pecs out of my fucking face you FUCK" for serving me a drink. (but i still tipped him so... what the hell????) I seriously talk, walk, and act like I'm the biggest fuckin shit-talkin egotistic nigger on the block (no joke). I really should have moved to new york I think, with this personality. Shit, even when my mom's shuttle bus to the airport was late I started walking around yelling "FREE HEROIN TO DRIVERS" just to bum a ride. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and the best part is, I didn't even have any. This behavior is absurd, and has no explanation, and I'm going to get myself fucking killed by the mafia.

Then it suddenly dawned on me. I REALLY LIKED BEING A DOM AND GETTING PAID TO HOLD PEOPLE CAPTIVE AND TORTURE THEIR GENITALS AGAINST THEIR WILL. THERES NOTHING I LOVE MORE THAN BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SOMEONE AND CALLING THEM WORTHLESS CAUSE ALL THEY GOT IS SHIT FOR FUCKING BRAINS LIKE THE GUIDO FATASSES THEY ARE. I SEE THE LIGHT NOW. I NEED TO GET A SIMILAR JOB LIKE THIS TO GET MY ANGER OUT OR THIS WILL LEAD TO MY OWN DEMISE. I AM SINCERELY ASKING FOR YOUR HELP IN ALL THAT IS RIGHT IN THE NAME OF GOD.

Seriously, I need help. Because I've blacked out twice already and gotten myself into 2 fist-fights that I have no recollection of. This WILL lead me to serious assault cases one day, if I don't stop. I just don't understand... I was NEVER a violent person. Why is it suddenly coming out now???

I think I ended up having a minor mental breakdown (a funny one at that)... but it was SO LIBERATING to be able to tell my mom what a sick fuck her daughter really is deep down!!! HAHAAHAHA!!!! It was like confessing your sins to the pope or some shit.... I even started to tell her I like to "swap partners," and shared all the explicit details of every sexual experience I've ever had in the past few years... I think I even admitted to her I am a pedophile (what the fuck...????) but dont worry, I'm fine again, and happy and all is well and nice again. :-D and I promise in the future, I will keep all these unsettling "desires" strictly between me and my therapist. ¬_¬

on a side note, i made my first "friend" working security at a vegas casino the other day. thing is, i thought with the strange way he was talking and acting, he HAD to have been fucked up on drugs... so i gave him my number and contacts, and asked him if he knew a place where i could "score" some... it was then he told me that he wasnt a drug user, he actually smashed his head in an accident and hemmorhaged from the brain and his personality had been altered ever since. GREAT. so ive just given out my number to a borderline crazy person/retard. AHAHAAHHAHA WHY DOES LIFE ALWAYS FUCK ME!!!! goddamn dude, he calls me EVERY FUCKING DAY too, at like 5 in the morning and shit, i dont know what the FUCK he wants from me either!!!!!

ah man, maybe what i really need is punishment. YES. i think im going to meet up with this crazy person and request him to spit in my face. that would be justice served. i really think so. HAHAHAH

also, one minor thing...... I found out one of my friends whom I THOUGHT I trusted very much carries a knife on him whenever he comes to see me. Seems that everybody is carrying a weapon except for me. >_> what the fuck? should i start arming myself or what? bear in mind I was locked up in the psych ward against my will which makes me ineligible to carry a gun for at least 7 years in the US. how the hell do i go about getting a license for a tazer? keep in mind i AM a female which makes me technically "more vulnerable" in the eyes of the law and eligible for, you know, certain items...


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Invisibletruffleupagus
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Registered: 02/19/06
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Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: Crystal G]
    #7518672 - 10/15/07 08:32 AM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Well, your mom sounds pretty cool at least. I don't know about the pedophile thing. R U RLY? Hope not.

Maybe you just need to get the fuck out of Vegas like you said. You've been living there I take it?


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OfflineCrystal G
I'm a teapot


Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 5 days
Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: truffleupagus]
    #7518677 - 10/15/07 08:37 AM (16 years, 3 months ago)

thing is, i JUST MOVED HERE. im already enrolled in school and everything here. if i drop out now, im going to look like a fucking deadbeat loser!!!!

im determined to finish. i think i just need to get a gig as a mistress again, on the side, to get all my physical aggressions out.

also, i think confessing my sins to my mom really relieved a burden off my shoulders. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED IF YOU ARE MENTALLY DERANGED!


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Offlinerynobot8
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Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: Crystal G]
    #7518679 - 10/15/07 08:41 AM (16 years, 3 months ago)

you should probobly just start your own 1-800 dominatrix home service, you could have uniforms with and company vehicles, and all the dope.


--------------------
the preceding was a figment of your/my imagination, a community hallucination


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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Registered: 06/25/01
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Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: Crystal G]
    #7518743 - 10/15/07 09:11 AM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Crystal G said:

also, one minor thing...... I found out one of my friends whom I THOUGHT I trusted very much carries a knife on him whenever he comes to see me. Seems that everybody is carrying a weapon except for me. >_> what the fuck? should i start arming myself or what?




As long as you do hard drugs you'll have a lot of shitty friends. No way around it really except to get off that shit. Get a taser in the mean time.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:


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Invisibletruffleupagus
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Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: Crystal G]
    #7518746 - 10/15/07 09:12 AM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Crystal G said:
thing is, i JUST MOVED HERE. im already enrolled in school and everything here. if i drop out now, im going to look like a fucking deadbeat loser!!!!





All I can say is that it sounded like you were in a better place mentally when you posted that thread with the pictures of Okinawa. But if you just enrolled in school, then by all means, stick it out.

I think you know what you need to do, quite frankly. No one on here can say anything that'll help you as much as you can help yourself. Sounds corny as fuck but I think it's true.

Edit: Although, the advice that WhiskeyClone just posted was pretty good.


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InvisibleChiefGreenLeaf

Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 1,596
Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: truffleupagus]
    #7519962 - 10/15/07 03:27 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

that shit aint allowed in this forum!

-nomad edit


Edited by Capatalistc nomad (10/16/07 06:04 PM)


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InvisibleMerkin
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Posts: 27,537
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Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: Crystal G]
    #7520755 - 10/15/07 07:12 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

you should go to the gym... and ease down on hunter s's work :P


--------------------
Wheels of cheese wheeels of cheeeeese!!!


Edited by Merkin (10/15/07 07:20 PM)


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OfflineEraserHed
Stranger
Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 40
Last seen: 16 years, 2 months
Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: Merkin]
    #7523768 - 10/16/07 03:18 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

mod edit, play nice

-capatalistic nomad


Edited by Capatalistc nomad (10/16/07 06:07 PM)


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OfflineEraserHed
Stranger
Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 40
Last seen: 16 years, 2 months
Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: EraserHed]
    #7523777 - 10/16/07 03:19 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

I was making 150 bucks an hour as a craigslist ho, and I'm a dude.


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OfflineMushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
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Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
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Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: EraserHed]
    #7524013 - 10/16/07 04:04 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

EraserHed said:
No Crystal G is not crazy. She's just a little girl craving attention, and trying to get the attention on this message board by always trying to appear to be a badass.

Crystal G, haven't you heard of Craigslist? I bet you could make $250 an hour advertising yourself as a dominatrix on there.




This is one of the most absurd remarks I've heard this week and comments like these have nothing to do in this forum IMO. :thumbdown:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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OfflineCrystal G
I'm a teapot


Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 5 days
Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7524330 - 10/16/07 05:02 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

thanks mushroomtrip

im actually trying to make sense of life's sins by detailing a timeline of every disturbed thought/action thats crossed my head, and then objectively weighing craving vs punishment by placing myself in various examples (whether it be religious scenarios, hard drug addiction, as a sexual deviant, etc).

for those of us who strive to be outwardly unsuspicious and recollected on the surface, the internet is a haven to unleash all the hidden aspects of your life you'd like to keep hidden.

but nice try, PI (eraserhed), im sure you thought long and hard about your hypothesis didn't you? :lol:


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OfflineEraserHed
Stranger
Registered: 08/01/07
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Last seen: 16 years, 2 months
Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: Crystal G]
    #7524381 - 10/16/07 05:14 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Well it IS a support forum. I'm sorry Crystal G.


Live long and prosper.


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Offline2FiNiTe
ConsideratlyKilling Me
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Registered: 06/12/06
Posts: 1,635
Loc: New England
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Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: EraserHed]
    #7524530 - 10/16/07 05:53 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Thats exactly how I was before I moved out to Colorado. Snorting and Shooting Oxy everyday made me an on edge mother fucker. If you called me and you didn't have drugs...you got the scream at the top of my lungs in your ear followed by FUCK OFF. I think a lot of it has to do with the way opiads made me feel, like I was untouchable like I was on my cloud, and if anyone even attempted to bring me down (even if they didn't know) they got the wraith.

I stole from friends, roommates, just to spite them. I fucked a friends wife to spite him for not getting me drugs, after he told me he had them. You just have this feeling like the fucking hulk is inside you begging to get out, and once you realize its kinda fun when he does, theres no more reason to hold back. I have serious anger problems and it sounds like you do as well, Dom'ing is just a way of getting that shit out. I used to fuck everything I could find, then snort and shoot my way back up to my cloud.

I think the best thing for me was LEAVING, it was the people, the place, ALL THE FUCKING HATE AND SPITE, FOR MY "FRIENDS" HELPING ME KILL MYSELF, HATE FOR MY PARENTS NOT SUPPORTING MY IDEAS, HATE FOR GIRLFRIENDS, HATE FOR EVERYTHING I LOATHED, AND IN A PLACE LIKE I WAS IN I FOUND THAT IN EVERY SINGLE PERSON. Leaving florida was the best thing to ever happen to me.

The key to it all I think is finding out what makes you want to feel like the looped out hulk, I still don't know but I'm making progress. Is it the fact I don't have a dad, or the fact he molested my brother, who the fuck knows but something did it to me, and made me project it on the world around me. Happiness is somewhere waiting for you, you just gotta have the guts to want to find it. I didn't for many years, but now what i know living is, and I know what I was doing was the farthest from it I could get. And I loved it that way, and I'm still trying to figure out why.


Feeling the things are the worst. I love where I am now, But still every second I want that shit, I would give it all up for another opiad fueled orgy. Thats the worst part for me, I hate myself for it. But love it so much at the same time.

Self Destruction is Power, power over yourself, and your feelings. I think thats what I love so much about it. But I just can't shake it.

Sorry for the ranting but I think I needed to get it out, and I'm sure you can relate.


--------------------
"Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war that we know about peace, more about killing that we know about living."

General Omar N. Bradley


Edited by 2FiNiTe (10/16/07 06:00 PM)


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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: Crystal G]
    #7524577 - 10/16/07 06:04 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Crystal G said:
thanks mushroomtrip

im actually trying to make sense of life's sins by detailing a timeline of every disturbed thought/action thats crossed my head, and then objectively weighing craving vs punishment by placing myself in various examples (whether it be religious scenarios, hard drug addiction, as a sexual deviant, etc).

for those of us who strive to be outwardly unsuspicious and recollected on the surface, the internet is a haven to unleash all the hidden aspects of your life you'd like to keep hidden.

but nice try, PI (eraserhed), im sure you thought long and hard about your hypothesis didn't you? :lol:




I think nobody can really tell you why you feel this way because you're the only one who knows all the details of your life and of your thoughts. Therefore you're the only one who can determine what's happening to you as well as the course of your life. And I think that the best things you can do is to find that out for yourself, because other opinions might be vitiated by the personal perspective of those who analyze your situation.
You seem apt and aware of who you are so I think that you'll be able to find some sense in all this.
My best guess is that you developed some patterns in your behavior and now it's only the inertia which gives you the impulse to repeat them.
But why you made those decisions in the first place and what made them feel so appealing to you, is for you to find out.
On an additional note and from personal experience I'd advise you to stop calling them "sins" because it only makes you feel guilty and this stops you from being able to keep a lucid mind on what's happening to you.


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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InvisibleZippoZM
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Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: 2FiNiTe]
    #7524594 - 10/16/07 06:08 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

CrystalG, seriously you need to get some help or very soon in the near future you will either be dead or in jail.

no joke.


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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OfflineFraggin
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Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: ZippoZ]
    #7527137 - 10/17/07 10:26 AM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Capatalistc nomad said:
CrystalG, seriously you need to get some help or very soon in the near future you will either be dead or in jail.

no joke.




Agreed. And at this point, it's only a matter of getting caught.
I will pray for you child.


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OfflineDAVID_ALLAN_CEO
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Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: Crystal G]
    #7533353 - 10/18/07 09:59 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Crystal G said:
im actually trying to make sense of life's sins by detailing a timeline of every disturbed thought/action thats crossed my head, and then objectively weighing craving vs punishment by placing myself in various examples (whether it be religious scenarios, hard drug addiction, as a sexual deviant, etc).




this would be your use of your conscious or lack of it.. and you've gotta remember they're just thoughts at first, they're not actions..

Quote:

Crystal G said:
for those of us who strive to be outwardly unsuspicious and recollected on the surface, the internet is a haven to unleash all the hidden aspects of your life you'd like to keep hidden.




i'm pretty sure your heroin use is outwardly obvious if not suspicious and doesn't lend any help to being collected on the surface, yeah ok you can deal with it in a "manageable" way and that's all your perspective, but having to score drugs everyday does not make you inconspicuous... and using the internet to exacerbate your eccentricities just lends fuel to the fire for the most part because you will inevitably attract people who will agree with you and are like you and people who will disagree with you that you will readily write off, but now if you are writing fiction and just expressing that you would like to be this way and are getting off on others saying they are this way then that's somewhat different, and when i first read this post i thought "this just sounds like some contrived shit"


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OfflineCrystal G
I'm a teapot


Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 5 days
Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: DAVID_ALLAN_CEO]
    #7533420 - 10/18/07 10:14 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

DAVID_ALLAN_CEO said:
Quote:

Crystal G said:
im actually trying to make sense of life's sins by detailing a timeline of every disturbed thought/action thats crossed my head, and then objectively weighing craving vs punishment by placing myself in various examples (whether it be religious scenarios, hard drug addiction, as a sexual deviant, etc).




this would be your use of your conscious or lack of it.. and you've gotta remember they're just thoughts at first, they're not actions..

Quote:

Crystal G said:
for those of us who strive to be outwardly unsuspicious and recollected on the surface, the internet is a haven to unleash all the hidden aspects of your life you'd like to keep hidden.




i'm pretty sure your heroin use is outwardly obvious if not suspicious and doesn't lend any help to being collected on the surface, yeah ok you can deal with it in a "manageable" way and that's all your perspective, but having to score drugs everyday does not make you inconspicuous... and using the internet to exacerbate your eccentricities just lends fuel to the fire for the most part because you will inevitably attract people who will agree with you and are like you and people who will disagree with you that you will readily write off, but now if you are writing fiction and just expressing that you would like to be this way and are getting off on others saying they are this way then that's somewhat different, and when i first read this post i thought "this just sounds like some contrived shit"




Who says I was exacerbating anything?
You are reading all the wrong clues, my friend.

You know what else I like about the internet?
The fact that you can admit to eating your sister's scab for $5, and even if people judge you, it's totally okay. :wink:


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Offline2FiNiTe
ConsideratlyKilling Me
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Registered: 06/12/06
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Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: Crystal G]
    #7533498 - 10/18/07 10:33 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

Eating scabs and fresh skin :thumbup:

I'm with you on that one for sure!! Money or no.  The internet is lovely  isn't it.


--------------------
"Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war that we know about peace, more about killing that we know about living."

General Omar N. Bradley


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OfflineCrystal G
I'm a teapot


Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 5 days
Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: 2FiNiTe]
    #7533537 - 10/18/07 10:44 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

lmao we both called up my mom afterwards to tell her about it and my mom started fucking crying on the phone LMFAOOOOO!!!!!! "my daughter has been reduced to this..." HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAA

holy shit that was funny. highly recommended for those going off the brink!


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Offline2FiNiTe
ConsideratlyKilling Me
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Re: Having minor mental breakdowns and "confessing your sins" [Re: Crystal G]
    #7533593 - 10/18/07 10:59 PM (16 years, 3 months ago)

:laugh:

My brothers still fuck with me about it, and threaten to tell my mom I mutilate myself and eat the remains.  I'm like fuck you guys Steve-o from jackass does it too!!!  They still give me money to do anytime we have family reunions.  Idk why its like this compulsion I have sometimes maybe I was a cannibal in a passed life?


--------------------
"Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war that we know about peace, more about killing that we know about living."

General Omar N. Bradley


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