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danlennon3
LivingIsEasyWithEyesClosed.....



Registered: 10/29/02
Posts: 19,246
Loc: usa
Last seen: 1 year, 12 days
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"Best Friend"
#7454390 - 09/26/07 02:38 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Does anyone have a friend that treats you like crap around other people? my friend is always sarcastic towards me and tries to make me look stupid in front of people. He even talks shit behind my back to me look bad. At first he will treat me really great. Then as soon as he sees me happy, he will do or say something to bring me down. Its like he builds me up just to knock me down. I'm not going to take it anymore... but it seems like whenever I confront him, he always seems to turn it around on me. I'm not good at standing up for myself so I end up looking like the fool. We have been friends for almost 15 years and our friendship was always like this.... One day hes my best friend, the next hes stabbing my back. He hates when someone likes me over him, so he will try anything to steer the person away from me. Anyone else have a friend like this?
-------------------- "Psychedelics should be used not to escape reality, but to embrace it"
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Rahz
Alive Again


Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,230
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Good work trying to be rational with him. Now that you know his level of respect isn't up for discussion, it's time to leave him alone. They say you can tell a person by the company they keep. The term "best friend" doesn't mean much to me anymore. I rate my friends on the level of trust I give them. Going by this scale, where does your friend fit in? Trust him to honor your integrity? Or do you trust him to attempt to lower your self-esteem? Young guys like to test each other by giving each other shit, but this ain't horseplay, he's using you to validate himself. He has low self esteem and attempts to make himself feel better by acting superior to you. You have low self esteem because you willingly hang out with someone who gives you crap. Raise your standards and they will be met. Fire him.
-------------------- rahz comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace "You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi
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vaportrail
upandaway



Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 121
Last seen: 14 years, 5 months
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Re: "Best Friend" [Re: Rahz]
#7454740 - 09/26/07 07:36 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Yes I have a friend like this, we've both changed, and we're going seperate ways now. I believe in rivalry and healthy competition, but fighting dirty is not how I roll. He's given in to so many ideals that I do not stand for.
Maybe I can shake a reaction out of him by dropping contact, but I really doubt it. I'm ready to say goodbye, and I'm not going to waste my energy on it any longer.
-------------------- and the hippos were boiled in their tanks
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psychophobia
reality shiftspace shipcommander



Registered: 09/22/07
Posts: 81
Loc: Germany, Bavaria
Last seen: 15 years, 5 months
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Yeah, I think I know that kind of "friends". Maybe they just do it to make them feel better about themselves. I don't know. But what I know is that people change and any person does have the right to change. But this person also has to take the consequences! Even "best friends" change so it's better so walk seperatly sometimes, I think.
My first post btw I'm from Germany so please excuse my bad English if I do
-------------------- "Please would you tell me," said Alice, a little timidly, for she was not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak first, "why your cat grins like that?" "It’s a Cheshire-Cat," said the Duchess, "and that’s why. [...]"
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Lion
Decadent Flower Magnate



Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,775
Last seen: 3 days, 16 hours
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I have had friendships like this, and in some cases I've been the friend you're describing.
This kind of relationship has little to do with mutual trust, respect, and love, and more to do with comparison, competition, and falsely boosting one's self-esteem. I have become friends with people just so I could 'move up' socially, and then treated them badly when I became more 'popular' than them; and I've had friends who have done the same thing to me.
I choose my friendships now based on trust, the ease with which we communicate, how well our senses of humor jive. As I've matured I've seen the ways in which all human beings are alike, and have found it easier to become friends with and appreciate people of different backgrounds and personality types, while refraining from expecting too much from any one relationship. In most ways, I am my own best friend.
-------------------- “Strengthened by contemplation and study, I will not fear my passions like a coward. My body I will give to pleasures, to diversions that I’ve dreamed of, to the most daring erotic desires, to the lustful impulses of my blood, without any fear at all, for whenever I will— and I will have the will, strengthened as I’ll be with contemplation and study— at the crucial moments I’ll recover my spirit as was before: ascetic.”
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Alion



Registered: 08/14/07
Posts: 462
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Yes, a friend ive known since kindergarten has been like that, talking behind my back about me to other people, ect.
Just beat the shit out of him and he'll change back into a friend
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs



Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Re: "Best Friend" [Re: Alion]
#7454955 - 09/26/07 08:53 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Alion said: Yes, a friend ive known since kindergarten has been like that, talking behind my back about me to other people, ect.
Just beat the shit out of him and he'll change back into a friend
Yeah, beating the shit out of someone will definitely turn them into real friends 
To the OP: stop being his victim and get on with your own life. Simple as that, it doesn't even require an explanation.
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   All this time I've loved you And never known your face All this time I've missed you And searched this human race Here is true peace Here my heart knows calm Safe in your soul Bathed in your sighs
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: "Best Friend" [Re: danlennon3] 1
#7455209 - 09/26/07 10:38 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Does anyone have a friend that treats you like crap around other people?
That would be impossible. Think about it.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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danlennon3
LivingIsEasyWithEyesClosed.....



Registered: 10/29/02
Posts: 19,246
Loc: usa
Last seen: 1 year, 12 days
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Re: "Best Friend" [Re: Rahz]
#7455402 - 09/26/07 11:34 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Rahz said: Good work trying to be rational with him. Now that you know his level of respect isn't up for discussion, it's time to leave him alone. They say you can tell a person by the company they keep. The term "best friend" doesn't mean much to me anymore. I rate my friends on the level of trust I give them. Going by this scale, where does your friend fit in? Trust him to honor your integrity? Or do you trust him to attempt to lower your self-esteem? Young guys like to test each other by giving each other shit, but this ain't horseplay, he's using you to validate himself. He has low self esteem and attempts to make himself feel better by acting superior to you. You have low self esteem because you willingly hang out with someone who gives you crap. Raise your standards and they will be met. Fire him.
You hit the nail right on the head! It pretty much sums up the friendship I have with him. It's like he doesn't want to see me happy. There's no competition between us... it's just him getting jealous that I'm closer friends with people he wants to be closer with. He has personal issues which he will never change, on the inside he has very low self esteem... but on the outside, hes the opposite! he makes many friends and is very talkative such. He hides his problems very well around people.
-------------------- "Psychedelics should be used not to escape reality, but to embrace it"
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jonathanseagull
Cool!


Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 993
Last seen: 10 years, 11 days
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Quote:
MushroomTrip said: To the OP: stop being his victim and get on with your own life. Simple as that, it doesn't even require an explanation.
I agree. This is definitely great advice, yet to hard to follow. I think it helps to realize that friends don't always stay friends forever. Time passes, and people grow apart, and take their own interests, find themselves on different areas of "the path", different world views, philosophies, etc.
It really boils down to attachment. My roommate/best friend challenges me every single day, and I let it get to me very deeply, until I decided to relinquish my need for him to treat me nicely. Then all was good. I no longer played the role he needed to continue playing his role. Now, he acts much differently, because he sees he has to earn my friendship now, and it is not a given.
I also realized he wasn't my best friend and hadn't been for about 8 years. I just still categorized him that way in my mind. Cognitive psychology is good stuff. NLP type stuff.
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Loving in truth, and fain in verse my love to show, That the dear She might take some pleasure of my pain: Pleasure might cause her read, reading might make her know, Knowledge might pity win, and pity grace obtain.
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs



Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Well yes, it could be hard to follow until you actually do it, because, from my own experience as well as other observations, everything just flows naturally. Because it comes from Honesty.  Also this is exactly the reason why I said no explanations. Long time friends, when about to experience what feels like a permanent break (the ones who are being "discharged") seem to have an instinct about making use of emotional blackmail. I said it is instinctual because most of the times they're not fully aware of what they're doing, they just wanna defend their image/ feelings/ ego... That being said, this emotional blackmail could become a huge obstacle for the other friend, the one who's initiating the break, because of exactly what you said earlier: attachment. It's one of the lowest and in the same time efficient forms of prolonging the agony, because the break will happen sooner or later. Besides, I don't really see a reason for why he should explain his decision, when the reason is already obvious and also because it could imprint in his mind the idea that life was somehow unfair to him because he had to deal with such a "friend", and which could arise in the moment he would start making reproaches (explanations). When this fair - unfair matter should be of no concern at all. What's important is for him to get along with his life, free of all that past and all the preconceived ideas which are generated by it.
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   All this time I've loved you And never known your face All this time I've missed you And searched this human race Here is true peace Here my heart knows calm Safe in your soul Bathed in your sighs
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jonathanseagull
Cool!


Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 993
Last seen: 10 years, 11 days
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Quote:
MushroomTrip said: Long time friends, when about to experience what feels like a permanent break (the ones who are being "discharged") seem to have an instinct about making use of emotional blackmail.
Wow. I've never thought about it like this. Amazing. Thanks for the teaching
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Loving in truth, and fain in verse my love to show, That the dear She might take some pleasure of my pain: Pleasure might cause her read, reading might make her know, Knowledge might pity win, and pity grace obtain.
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs



Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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   All this time I've loved you And never known your face All this time I've missed you And searched this human race Here is true peace Here my heart knows calm Safe in your soul Bathed in your sighs
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'


Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
Last seen: 14 years, 8 months
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This person is not a friend. DTMFA (dump the mother fucker already.) You've put up with abuse for way too long. I used to have a friend like this, then I realized what a pathetic, insecure, weak person she was and got a little stronger and more confident myself and cut her out of my life. It felt good. I have absolutely no room in my life for people who aren't good to me. Love yourself enough to make this your standard. You won't regret it.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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This is definitely great advice, yet to hard to follow.
When I was young and more insecure it was hard to follow. Now it's the easiest thing in the world. The difference being that now I support and like myself. I have no need for people that do not support my goals and lifestyle.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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BlueCoyote
Beyond



Registered: 05/07/04
Posts: 6,697
Loc: Between
Last seen: 3 years, 16 days
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A 'good' friend worked against my relationship towards my girl, which I still love quite much, while in a three years relation before 15 years. We were young and it surely wasn't all his fault that it broke  But I didn't have a really really 'best' friend since. And I miss my girl (not necessarily that specific one).
And psychophobia ! Welcome bavarian brother from your neighbor in town Please stay a while, there seems some language-barriers here sometimes
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psychophobia
reality shiftspace shipcommander



Registered: 09/22/07
Posts: 81
Loc: Germany, Bavaria
Last seen: 15 years, 5 months
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Hey dank dir Wo kommst denn her?
I think I know that feeling. I mean... a have a few real friends around me that I can trust but there's still missing the female part ;( It is just an all together different thing, another world.
I am even introduced to a lot of gay people but and I can really talk to them about serious things but there is still something missed 
In my opinion you really have to make a difference between a male-male friendship and a male-female friendship.
I hope you can understand my fucked up English... I'm quite drunk...
-------------------- "Please would you tell me," said Alice, a little timidly, for she was not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak first, "why your cat grins like that?" "It’s a Cheshire-Cat," said the Duchess, "and that’s why. [...]"
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AlteredAgain
Visual Alchemist



Registered: 04/27/06
Posts: 11,181
Loc: Solar Circuit
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Quote:
psychophobia said: but there's still missing the female part
oh man me too, me too..
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder


Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida
Last seen: 3 years, 2 days
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Re: "Best Friend" [Re: danlennon3] 1
#7467454 - 09/29/07 02:04 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Here's a news flash: This person is NOT your friend. Advice: Drop him immediately. The very act will jump your self-esteem way up. Don't look back.
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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a_guy_named_ai
Stranger

Registered: 09/24/07
Posts: 767
Last seen: 15 years, 7 months
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As far as I'm concerned,that's not a friend at all. That's a traitor.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Real friends are rare finds and developed with shared empathy.
What goes for friendship usually I would call more of a temporary truce between adversaries.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Huehuecoyotl
Fading Slowly


Registered: 06/13/04
Posts: 10,685
Loc: On the Border
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Your friend sounds like a winner. The sooner you become even more invested in pleasing this person the better.
-------------------- "A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda
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