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OfflineCrystal G
I'm a teapot


Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 5 days
Hysterical eBay auctions
    #7430642 - 09/19/07 11:41 PM (16 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

"How now, brown cow?"
You are bidding on the opportunity to represent us in a case that will probably be called Cwanxton vs. The Scary Dairy. Or... Something Else From Elsie. Or... Cwanxton vs. Cute Cow. Or... We're also faultin' The Family Walton. Or... "If It's Borden, It's Got To Be Gross!"

Recently, we opened a single serving package of Borden String Cheese. To our surprise, we noticed what appears to be a hair from a human (head cheese?), bovine, or rodent. This strand of hair (or whatever it is, but we are pretty sure it is not supposed to be the "string" of string cheese) is completely embedded in the cheese cylinder.

Our research at the Official United Dairy Farmers website (www.elsie.com) listed string cheese under their "What's New" tab. Borden represents their string cheese as a "...wholesome dairy snack moms can feel good about serving their kids." Well, if Borden is shoving hair into their cheese, I guess you can't say they are trying to cheat the kiddies out of their protein. Since the string cheese is currently only available at select Wal-Mart Supercenter locations, perhaps the "stripe in a pipe" is some sort of test.

See photo below:



Upon visual inspection, you will see that the strand increases in girth from left to right, ending in what appears as a bulbous root. The center section of the strand is nearest the outer skin of the cheese cylinder; however, the strand is completely embedded in the cheese product.

The similarity to a hair follicle is remarkable. If this is indeed a hair, it is possible that oily sebum from sebaceous gland secretions coated the strand in such a way that it embedded smoothly, and without kinks, in the cheese product.

See representation of hair follicle below:



You are not bidding on the cheese product shown in the photos. You are bidding on the opportunity to represent us in a civil proceeding. Naturally, our discovery of this apparently tainted product has traumatized us, and we may never be able to truly enjoy cheese (or other dairy products, or other processed foods, or other food for that matter) ever again.

We reserve the right to review winner's qualifications upon auction end. Winner must be a licensed attorney. We reserve the right to disqualify auction winner if we are not confident in his or her ability to represent us in this case. If we disqualify winner, we will deem auction void and winner will not be responsible for payment of winning auction value.

If winner passes the post-auction evaluation process and subsequently wins our case for us, we will consider refunding the price of the auction as part of the contingency package.

Photos shown in description listing of the partially opened and uneaten cheese product are actual and unretouched.

Feel free to email with questions. Thank you and good luck.




http://www.whattheheck.com/ebay/hairycheese.html

Quote:

You are bidding on... Francis D. Cornworth's Virginity
(Iconclast on Efnet IRC)



Hi! My name is Franics. I just turned 17 and I'm going into my Senior year in High School. I decided I'd like to lose my virginity. I figured with the latest eBay craze, I'd see exactly how much I could get for my virginity. Bidding on me will start at $10. I bet you want to know some information about me now!

As I previously stated, I'm seventeen years old.

I am...

a virgin

in the top 5% of my class and am a standing member of the National Honor Society

the president of my school's computer & A/V clubs

Lead trumpet in jazz band

a proud completer of 400 community service hours, last year alone


I think I am desirable if I can find the right woman (or man, I'm willing to experiment.)



http://www.whattheheck.com/ebay/iconclast.html # of bids 17 (bid history)

Quote:

AWWW, AREN'T THEY SO CUTE?
Some people (not me), think they're cuter dead. I listened to the public and... HERE THEY ARE!
You'd better act fast, these cats are going fast and the SPCA has my number on speed dial.

Limited Time Offer: You choose the method of death, I kill them.
Popular Methods: Drowning, hanging, 'let's see how far this cat can fly', and death-by-butt-rape.



This is a picture of my neighbors cat. Darling isn't it?
Act now and this is the cat can be yours!

Buyer pays for shipping and whatever instruments used in death.
Buyer also pays for plastic bag and whatever fluids required to keep it preserved.

Coming soon: Pre-Tortured Monkeys and Sexually Abused Hamsters!





http://www.whattheheck.com/ebay/kitty.html


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InvisibleDirtMcgirt
in a pinch
 User Gallery


Registered: 10/20/04
Posts: 2,213
Loc: city of angels
Re: Hysterical eBay auctions [Re: Crystal G]
    #7430686 - 09/19/07 11:59 PM (16 years, 4 months ago)

That last one is classic, I may buy it for my grandpa for his next birthday.

I mean, what do you get for a man who claims to have seen everything and has a penchant for shooting cats with bb guns?


--------------------
"And we, inhabitants of the great coral of the Cosmos, believe the atom (which still we cannot see) to be full matter, whereas, it too, like everything else, is but an embroidery of voids in the Void, and we give the name of being, dense and even eternal, to that dance of inconsistencies, that infinite extension that is identified with absolute Nothingness and that spins from its own non-being the illusion of everything."


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OfflineSneezingPenis
ACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!111!
 User Gallery
Registered: 01/15/05
Posts: 15,427
Last seen: 6 years, 8 months
Re: Hysterical eBay auctions [Re: DirtMcgirt]
    #7430733 - 09/20/07 12:27 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

i want to buy that kids virginity and hook him up with a tranny. confuse him for life.


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OfflineOracle Of Delphi
I, Phantom
Female

Registered: 06/23/02
Posts: 1,135
Loc: State of Disrepair
Last seen: 15 years, 2 months
Re: Hysterical eBay auctions [Re: Crystal G]
    #7431053 - 09/20/07 04:24 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

my favorite crazy ebay auction was the "haunted projector" - in which the starting bid was 10K and the seller claimed it gave him winning lottery numbers, and ghosts would appear in the light.

heh heh


--------------------


http://dictionary.reference.com/



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