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Anonymous #1
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on a more serious note though
#7382670 - 09/08/07 06:25 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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I have been directly responsible for TWO deaths thus far (both 'suicides' that I could have easily prevented)
the first of which was actually trying to help herself, and I beat her back down into her pit of dispair
the second - I was told to save...and refused
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Anonymous #2
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7382678 - 09/08/07 06:34 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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What were the circumstances of these incidents?
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Anonymous #3
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7382682 - 09/08/07 06:38 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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I bet you have strong guilt feelings about that 
You never know for sure that someone will commit suicide. Once they do, it's too late to do anything about it.
Tell us more if you want to, but remember anonymity doesn't apply in case of illegal activities.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #2]
#7382705 - 09/08/07 07:01 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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the first was a girl I had met online who I had shared a lot in common with, at least as far as what she was going through at the time (i.e. if you spend too much time securing your future / and neglecting your present because of it - then you get trapped in this sort of ungoddly vortex of some sort that seems downright impossible to escape from...and if you spend too much time there - you come to a point where you'll do *anything* to break free)
in this particular instance - it was a gathering at this very site that she was using to help ease her way back into the real world (or in the very least - acclimate her to *something* beyond the secluded little bubble she had been locking herself up in...irregardless if it was little more then words on a screen - it was still human contact of some sort never the less)
I know this reach-out-for-help all too well...because I did the same EXACT thing when I intially created this account
...anyhow...
at the gathering, she got a little wild and gave into a few of her urges (which is perfectly normal for someone who had been living in seclusion - to just let loose and embrace everything) and I was one of the extremely lucky people in all of this that had the opportunity to experience a little slice of her wild behavior
but me, being the story teller I am, felt absolutely compelled to brag about this one (without so much a second thought to how it might affect her) and, naturally, she turned into this HUGE slut as far as everyone here was concerned...ssooo...she slunk back into her depression, and brought with her the pain of 'knowing' what sort of assholes this world was made of, and that she was incapable of having so much as one second of freedom without it also comming with copious amounts of baggage (that I'm sure she wasn't strong enough to deal with)
in essence - a moment of happiness inevitably brings about a plethora of pain (or so it would seem to a person in such a fragile mindset)
it's not too surprizing that she sunk back into her pit of dispair...and it was only a matter ot time before it consumed her
I beat her down when she was grasping for straws...and she gave up because I took away her hope
that's all there is to it, really
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Anonymous #1
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7382718 - 09/08/07 07:14 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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the second was my father
he had been struggling with suicidal feelings for many many years (eveyone was certain he's do it eventually) and at the time when it happened - I was actually supposed to be moving in with him...he just didn't know this at the time
he fucked up some money he had, and was too proud to sulk back to his mother yet again to ask her for assistance (for the millionth time) until his next disability check came in...so instead - he decided to just take the enevitable plunge that everyone already knew he's going to take anyway
I know that had he seen me there - he wouldn't have don't it in front of me...and because I was meant to have been moving in with him - he would have used my being there as a reason to quit chasing frivoulous dreams of his, and start concentrating on working with what little he did have (i would have effectively giving him a new reason to live)
but the night he DID show up at his mother's house so that she could see this dastardly deed of his - I got this ungoddly urge to go outside for a ciggarette (not so much because I was needing one, but rather, the ciggarette was just an excuse to lure me outside...and I felt like I had to go out there for *something*)
I ignored it though
and not ten minutes later - I hear a gun shot / followed by a woman's screem...and when I then went out to investigate - I saw his body
I could have saved him too...but I did
I knew that these instincts of mine where never wrong...and I got a mental image of him in my mind when the feeling to go smoke came across me (as if he had something to do with it) but I just shrugged it off and kept reading my book
and now - there's a part of me that wishes I hadn't
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Anonymous #1
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7382720 - 09/08/07 07:15 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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...and an even deeper part of me that is secretly glad that I didn't
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Anonymous #3
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7382733 - 09/08/07 07:24 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Well, to me it is obvious that you couldn't know what the consequences of your bragging would be.
If you knew, you would never ever have done it. (judging from your writing)
The direct cause of her suicide was her mood disorder, not the one bad experience that added to it.
Whether you're off the hook is a matter between you and your conscience but as an outsider I see no direct responsibility of yours for the tragedy that happened thereafter.
For what its worth on an anonymous forum, I'd forgive you.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #3]
#7382735 - 09/08/07 07:28 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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I loved my father dearly...but I always had this fear that in trying to help me he'd only screw thigs up for me (as so many others in my family always seem to do)
his 'help' was always the most destructive...and his mindset would have certainly complelled him to intervien late on in life (assuming, of course, that I continue following the same path I've been on for quite some years now) and there was a part of me - even at that time - that was fearful that he'd fuck things up for me yet again...only that this time I'd have a lot more to lose
and there's genuinely a part of me that's relieved to know that I won't have to worry about him stepping in to my life again with yet another one of his holier-then-thou crusades to force me to live my life the way he feels it ought to be lived
and I know that he aways had the best of intentions, and I feel bad for acknowledging the fact that I truely am better off without him...but I by no means wished death upon the man...and had I suspected that his mental image and my body's craving for nicotine where my spiritual guardians' ways of hinting at what was to come - then I would have surely done things differently (even if it meant I'd be making things more difficult for myself late on down the road)
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Anonymous #3
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7382738 - 09/08/07 07:31 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Here too you are not really at fault from an objective point of view, but what a ghastly experience it must have been.
It's a terrible thing to live with, and given the two experiences you may feel that theres something wrong with you. There isn't.
You don't really get over such experiences, you learn to live with them.
Be strong, and forgive yourself.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #3]
#7382746 - 09/08/07 07:37 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: Well, to me it is obvious that you couldn't know what the consequences of your bragging would be.
If you knew, you would never ever have done it. (judging from your writing)
The direct cause of her suicide was her mood disorder, not the one bad experience that added to it.
Whether you're off the hook is a matter between you and your conscience but as an outsider I see no direct responsibility of yours for the tragedy that happened thereafter.
For what its worth on an anonymous forum, I'd forgive you.
I know that I didn't cause it...but I also know I was the proverbial 'straw that broke the camel's back'
she didn't deserve that kind of treatment...and had I expected she was in that sort of position - I would have certainly been a whole lot gentler with her
I didn't even consider that possibility until after she slunk back into the darkness (and I didn't know it to be true until I heard what had happened some time later)
I can only pray she is aware of my regrets in all of this
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Anonymous #3
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7382752 - 09/08/07 07:39 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
and I know that he aways had the best of intentions, and I feel bad for acknowledging the fact that I truely am better off without him...
My mother used to be the sweetest woman that ever lived. She became ill and I moved in with her to guide her through the last years of her life. Brain damage had turned her into a monster, cruel and vicious. And then at other times she was warm and fragile again.
When death finally came it was for the best. She was out of her misery and I was out of her misery, and we both could move on.
I believe that when death actually comes, it will be always for the best. That the road ahead would in reality be worse than death itself.
This may also apply to your father.
Perhaps it was meant to be that you moved out of his way so he could do his thing.
You feel better off. Your father felt that death would leave him better off. Perhaos here too the road ahead would be sheer anguish and that death would be better.
I hope this helps.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #3]
#7382754 - 09/08/07 07:39 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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I don't blame myself for what my father did...I simply punish myself for allowing it to happen
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Anonymous #1
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #3]
#7382772 - 09/08/07 07:46 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: You feel better off. Your father felt that death would leave him better off. Perhaos here too the road ahead would be sheer anguish and that death would be better.
wow...that's actually incredibly deep
I've never even considered this posibility before
you have given me something to think about...that's for sure
and I thank you for that
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Anonymous #4
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7419414 - 09/17/07 11:30 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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How can you tell when someone is gonna commit suicide? I only wonder because everyone seemed to know your father was eventually going to do it.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #4]
#7420234 - 09/17/07 03:45 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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well...in my father's case - he had actually had several different failed suicide attempts through out the years (notes written / trips to the emergency room / the whole nine yards) so it was pretty much expected that he'd finally succeed sooner or later
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Anonymous #5
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7420363 - 09/17/07 04:31 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Suicide is usually viewed as a sad & negative thing. Let us look at the positives:
1) One less person clogging up the Subway line 2) One less person causing pollution, using toilet paper, etc 3) We already have enough people in this world anyway -- we can spare a few.
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Anonymous #6
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7420373 - 09/17/07 04:34 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said:.irregardless
This is where I stopped reading. Cry me a river. Learn the fucking English language. I hate people who say the non-word: "irregardless". It's regardless, asshole.
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Anonymous #6
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #6]
#7420379 - 09/17/07 04:36 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Oh, shit, I read down and saw about your father. Didn't read it, it's too long for me, but if your pops died I'm sorry mate. Just, please, don't say irregardless again.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #6]
#7422259 - 09/18/07 02:02 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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HA! - I'm still gonna use that damned word irregardless if it's a real word or not
hehehe
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Anonymous #7
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #1]
#7422395 - 09/18/07 04:09 AM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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fuck them, they were weak u clensed the gene pool well done
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Anonymous #8
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #7]
#7467614 - 09/29/07 03:35 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: fuck them, they were weak u clensed the gene pool well done
please, please tell me you're next? grammar and spelling should be prerequisites for touching a keyboard.
Original poster: don't let the grief own you. sharing here is a great start to your path of moving on but it's just that: a start. treat everyone you meet as a possible number 3, and giving them the compassion you regret you hadn't for the first 2.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: on a more serious note though [Re: Anonymous #8]
#7468408 - 09/29/07 08:55 PM (16 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: Original poster: don't let the grief own you. sharing here is a great start to your path of moving on but it's just that: a start. treat everyone you meet as a possible number 3, and giving them the compassion you regret you hadn't for the first 2.
oh...believe you me - this is EXACTLY how I'm dealing with these types of situations now (i.e. every god damn situation I find myself in these days, to be perfectly honest with you)
I appreciate the encouragement thought (more so then, I'm sure, you can even tell)
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