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Onlinewrestler_az
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more thoughts
    #7366414 - 09/04/07 02:43 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

CaRnAgECaNdY said:
You were the one who always told me not to worry about the things you can not change. I've kept that with me everyday and am much happier now for that.

Take your own advise.





did i say that?

it seems like so long ago, but i think you might be right. there was a time where not only did i say such things, but i believed and lived them as well. what happened along the way? when did i turn so emo?

i think i know, but im afraid to say...

it happened when i moved in with my grandparents. my grandmother sick as all shit with emphysema and under hospice care, i moved in to help my grandfather take care of her on her last days. one day she wasnt breathing right, we knew what was happening. i emptied the bottle of liquid valium into her mouth hoping to numb what ever pain she might be feeling. held her hand... watched her die.

this event turned my grandfather into a wreck. as would be expected... they were married since forever. i decided id stay in the house with him. seemed the better choice, when sending him off to a nursing home the only other option. none of the rest of my family seemed to give a shit, this pissed me off and only further pushed me towards my decision.

a few months later, my grandfather has his third stroke. during the time in the hospital we also find out he has an aneurysm in his belly. no longer able to drive and get groceries and such, he needs my help more then ever. the free room and board is nice, but in the end only furthers my issues....

on the one hand, im looking after and taking care of possibly the only family member (aside from my brother) who ever really got me. at 83 years old hes been through and seen some shit. if we wanna talk about perspective... looking at life from his is almost a bit much for me to handle. he has out lived his wife, most the rest of his family, including parents, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, children, grandchildren.... and all his friends as well. for the most part he feels alone. i am certain that if it were not for me he would have given up and died already.

but instead, he continues on. talks with the dogs and does the crosswords. cusses at the tv when the wildcats lose, and takes his morning walks. i take him to the store (when it would be much easier for me to go alone) to get groceries. but for him, its not about the groceries. walking through the isles and grabbing the items he needs, occasionally holding up all those behind us so he can wave with a goofy face at a child sitting in a cart.

makes me feel good. makes him feel good. lots of goodness in this relationship.

but on the other hand, im 26 years old, living with my grandfather. i work, sometimes at a fast food joint, sometimes i landscape, sometimes construction... and its nice having all that money free of bills. but what im lacking because of this relationship is starting to really get to me.

i got no place i can call my own. a place to bring friends and get rowdy, or god forbid a girl! holy shit, what the hell would i do with one of them? i have no bills, no insurance, none of this and none of that..... basically what im getting at is i got no experience. no life experience. none ive dealt with on my own anyway.

and i think this scares me. i think i should have been out on my own doing my thing long ago, but with the decision i made ive put my life on hold in a sense. now, thats not to say this decision ranks up there with the "regrets" of the past thread... because i most definitely do not regret taking care of the old man. i just think it sucks, the position im in.... when i look at it like this:

my life on hold, till his ends...

simply put, and im sure a spin on the perspective could shed a better light on it. but thats how i see it now. and its quite frustrating, yet gratifying at the same time. depending on how i look at it. am i rambling yet, i think so.... anyway, where im getting at with all this is...

i dont really know.

i recently quit my landscaping job of a year and a half to pursue a CDL. i wanna get on the road, making money running a truck load chinese rubber dog crap from california to nebraska and back. not quite my lifes dream of becoming an astronaut, but its a step in the right direction. i got some itchy feet, and im not sure how much of this sitting around and waiting i can do anymore.

but, with the grandpappy still kickin it, once i get going ill be out of town for weeks on end. good news is i got a brother living here as well, im sure he wouldnt mind taking control of the situation here.

i dont know. i feel myself in a rut. and its getting deep. i cant even see the sky anymore. i need to leave, i need to stay. i need to whip my brain with an egg beater for inspiration. growing up is a bitch, especially when you got change dareing you to a stareing contest. somethings gonna give, sooner or later.

so thats the story, from where i read it anyway...

i feel tied down, and all i wanna do is run away.


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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InvisibleAcyl
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Re: more thoughts [Re: wrestler_az]
    #7366428 - 09/04/07 02:49 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

You're one hell of a good guy for stickin by your grandpa.. I cant really offer any advice, I wouldnt even know what to do.

Good luck in the coming years though, karma is sure to be on your side. :mushroom2:


--------------------
:scrambled:

1 ,2


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Onlinewrestler_az
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Re: more thoughts [Re: Acyl]
    #7366433 - 09/04/07 02:52 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

ya, this thread is not so much about advice as it is venting and sorting shit out... but thanx for the kind words. if karma really is the bitch people say she is, she knows me already.... and she must be saving up for something big cuz i aint seen shit from her in years. heres to the crossing of fingers...


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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OfflineMuppet
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Re: more thoughts [Re: wrestler_az]
    #7366507 - 09/04/07 03:39 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

I *kinda* know what you're going through with all of this...because at one point in time I was actually involved in a somewhat similar situation:

it all started out innocently enough (with my grandmother shipping me off to go live with my mother because she was tired of dealing with me) but because I was so distraught over feelings of abandonment and insecurities about whether or not I was even capable of getting my shit together - I finally decided to go get the mental help that I've probably been needing for quite some time now...and because of this...my mother decided to do the same (initially just to help me feel less 'alone' in all of this / but she learned rather quickly that she was even more in need of this sort of help then even I had been)

so we both started going to counceling, and getting ourselves aquained with shit like Risperdal and Seroquel and the like (psyche meds, naturally) and we both helped eachother out along the way by giving eachother the strength we both needed to continue on with all of this - even when there were certainly times when we both felt like it was simply 'too little / too late'

and in the end:

we both sort of hit a pretty deep depression (based more on bulshit that had been goin on in our lives that we literally had no control over, then anything else) / and I eventually 'broke free' of this by (literally) fleeing the scene, and taking off back to the seventh layer of hell to attempt to start anew under a different set of circumstances / and my mother, then, used this (her 'losing' about the only family member that still acknowledged her existance) as inspiration to finally turn her life around for once







so yeah - basically I was ina position where I wasn't really doing anything with my life (nor really *could I* truethfully) and by my being a part of this situation, someone I was increadibly close with was suddenly ina much better position for themselves...but saddly though...in the end - I had to take care of my damned self first and foremost

and by me doing exactly that - the person I loved, learned to become an even stronger individual because of it...cause...I would persume, that my being there for her when she needed someone, gave her the strength she needed so desperately at that point in time / and by my leaving, she then had the inspiration she needed to 'keep up the fight' even without me (if that makes any sense)

I *have to* presume that's the case though, because I know for me personally - there was a time when I had completely given up on life (several, saddly enough) and there was always someone there to give me at least a glimmer of hope...and they always dissappeared before I had a chance to become too dependant on em (which, in turn, gave me the strength to go on without them...even if only to avoid the pain that I had simply 'grown to accept' up until they came into my life)

I would imagine that your grandfather doesn't like the idea of being in an old folks home...but I would also imagine that IF that were to suddenly happen to him - he'd likely make the best of it (if for no other reason then to just simply avoid the pain of 'giving up') and could even *potentially* wind up preferring it all together (especially once he realizes just how 'not alone' he truely would be, surrounded by many people that are in fact 'just like him')












just my two cents  :craven:


--------------------


:craven:  Ravings of a Madman  :craven:


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Onlinewrestler_az
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Re: more thoughts [Re: Muppet]
    #7366532 - 09/04/07 03:55 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

ya, that makes sense... i think. i had to read it a couple of times in my medicated state, but i caught the gist of it. and you are right on the comparisons, to a certain extent. the only difference is that my grandfather has indeed "given up", in the most broad sense of the wildest imaginative definition there may be for such a phrase.

its a topic he and i have touched on quite a few times in idle conversation. and from what i get, he is done. he is ready to die. he stresses afterwards, IN MY HOME.... hes ready to die in his home. theres no taking the man to a any sort of old people care outside the home, some hospice care like my grandmother had at the end a possibility. but the day he leaves here is the day he dies, as far as hes concerned. and i can respect that.

its just a weird situation for me. and its not much longer, so i bite my lip and continue doing what im doing. in the end, all things will be worked out. but its holding me back at the same time... frustrating, among the plethora of other (psudo)emotions running around in the noggin of mine...


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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Offlinemeatcakeman
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Re: more thoughts [Re: wrestler_az]
    #7366601 - 09/04/07 04:28 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

this pots is jsut sthe ot lighten up the modd!!!!!!:doggystyle::goatse::trishstratus:


--------------------
大开眼界

:awegroove:
:fbsnugs::fbsnugs::fbsnugs:
Hasta siempre, comandante.
:mattz:


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Onlinewrestler_az
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Re: more thoughts [Re: meatcakeman]
    #7366630 - 09/04/07 04:41 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

the mood is quite light... with the likeness of a few clouds playing a game of keep away with a feather. valium is great fun, i think i plan on joining those clouds in a minute or two. sleep is my solitude. and i think im gonna get plenty of it here in a bit.

but all things considered, i know what is expected of me, i know what it is i must do. im taking the steps i need to take, in order to get where i think i might want to be. its just taking a while, and theres a few lingering variables that haunt me and call me to stay. it is in this battle, i fight inside my head against my only worthy opponent (myself) where these ramblings of a mad man can come to and end. but until then, good night fellow shroomerites.... and thanx for being whitness to the things that stress me on this fine monday night :grin: cheers to you, and gramps of course!


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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OfflineBrugman
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Re: more thoughts [Re: wrestler_az]
    #7366880 - 09/04/07 10:02 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Woah- too tired to read this now- I'll read it later! haha.


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InvisibleautomanM
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Re: more thoughts [Re: wrestler_az]
    #7366891 - 09/04/07 10:16 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

You are a good person. you are doing a good thing.

as much as you think your life is on hold, it isnt. a life on hold is a life gaining no experiences. right now, you are interacting with a man that has treated you with respect when others would not and you are repaying that same courtesy to him. i say you arent a man with a life on hold. you are living your life more than most people i know. you are giving yourself in service of an ideal. in 30 years, while your wife is at work and your children are off at high school, you will realize that your life is blessed and you will still have the memories of spending time with your grandfather in the time of his life when he needed you most.

you are a good person and you are doing a good thing.


--------------------
No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical. ~ Niels Bohr


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