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OfflineDivided_Sky
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Do you ever worry about losing yourself?
    #7363246 - 09/03/07 02:46 AM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Maybe it was just one weird trip, but yesterday I was tripping pretty hard on mushrooms and I got this feeling "What am I doing? What is this all about? Who am I?" I was lost and I still feel it somewhat.

Towards the middle of the trip I remember feeling swept with the intense waves of the mushrooms and I just decided to give up and completely let go. I was losing the game I was trying to play, or maybe I was winning against myself over and over like some kind of ego loop.

So I just let go. And after that I felt very confused and without direction.

For the past few months I've riding high on some life changing revelations from acid and even a previous mushroom trip, but it seemed like I hit a brick wall. My last mushroom trip was only two weeks before this one and it was such a beautiful and insightful and intense experience. I felt that I had to respect the mushroom and wait a while to revisit the experience, but the opportunity arose and I chose to go back through the door again.

I had decided that my heart and compassion were being clogged by my rigid ego and sense of pride. Tripping had helped me alot to the point that it felt great to be me, and I was getting high off my own ego. It was narcissistic I think, and I knew if I wanted to go further I had to let go of that pride and ego trip. My hope for the trip was to humble myself so I could better connect with others and the world around me. I would fill the space of selfishness with love and connection.

I asked the mushrooms "Give me what I know not for ask so I may be a better person" and ventured into the unknown. It was a very difficult and scary trip. Where before there was possitive energy and feeling of moving forward, this time the other side, the doubt the trough of the wave. The mushrooms seemed to say "It's not as easy as you had thought. You've got to work hard. We don't have anything else for you now so go fuck off. You wanted to feel more humble, we'll will give it to you."
I let go to them, and I just felt adrift and lost. Totally mindfucked like in a delirious dream.

I realize that I was just pushing it too far and asking for too much too quick. I feel alright now, but a little depressed that I just collided with a massive block and sometimes I just feel lost like don't know what I should be doing in life. If I don't play the game, what else really is there? Is there anything to surrender to? I finally am starting to wonder if the value in tripping is limited, and I've reached that limit for myself, even gone beyond it.

Anyhow, I was just wondering if anybody else had encountered this sort of thing?


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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Invisiblecloudtripper
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Registered: 05/24/07
Posts: 175
Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #7363350 - 09/03/07 03:41 AM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Every trip is different, set, setting, dose.

If you get really confused, try not to think at all, just breath deaply and take in the energy, if you can try and meditate. Feel yourself being above that part of you that has internal dialoge and yes, loose yourself. It's the coming back bit that is hard for me.

Quote:

. If I don't play the game, what else really is there?



Freedom from the game ?


--------------------
Always come back again. Never come back the same.


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OfflineSebastian23
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Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: cloudtripper]
    #7363375 - 09/03/07 03:53 AM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Those thoughts are just new questions to ask, the answers of which may bear knowledge to better yourself with.

Try to do exciting things when you trip, so you'll tend to think about the experience instead of your every day life, because your every day life if very vain and self centered. If you're not happy with yourself that can be, for some people, a drab/confusing trip.


--------------------
"If the words 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness' don't include the right to experiment
with your own consciousness, then the Declaration of Independence isn't worth the hemp
it was written on."
-Terence McKenna
Marijuana Myths Debunked


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OfflineSapphireCat
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Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: Sebastian23]
    #7363691 - 09/03/07 07:39 AM (13 years, 8 months ago)

similar happened to me before. although mine was a nice trip, it felt a little different, there was nothing there for me anymore, not for that time anyway.

So i was faced with the question: "what else is there?" since i got sucked deeply into the psychedelic life-style and my world centered around the expanding of my consciousness.

Since i haven't tripped, and have worked to contribute as much as i could to make the lives of others around me as fulfilling as i could. I felt frustrated and hurt when people didnt appreciate what i did for them. But then i realised i was doing it all for self gain. yes i may have tried to make their life happier, but i was doing it for my own happiness.

From there i found the balance between fulfilling my own life with what i need and giving as much as i can to others without it harming me. if it doesn'T cost me more than i'm willing to give for free, without needing a feeling of gratitude i will give it.

That has been roughly the last 4/5 months and only now do i feel like a shroom trip may be worthwhile again.

IMO just give it time man, and find the way you want to arrange your priorities, set them that way, think if they're set as you want them to, and then just live awhile and see from there.


--------------------
Beauty of style and harmony and grace and good rhythm depend on Simplicity ~Plato


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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
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Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: SapphireCat]
    #7364109 - 09/03/07 01:30 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Well, now that after a couple of days my head is starting to unwind out of the mushroom delirium I am starting to see that they really did give me what I asked for, just in a pretty harsh way.

There is so much I really don't know. My ego was probobly created in part because I felt insecure of being ignorant about the world and paranoid. The sense of confidence and pride I got was really from intellectually putting things in their place so I could feel smart or secure, but really I don't know much at all. I've been to insecure to really listen most of my life. I felt like I was so special when I was really just repeating a few learned behaviors that work, and many others that only sort of work.

So much of my life has being perfectionistic to make myself feel secure that I am great and all knowing etc. But I guess that makes my actions inauthentic in a way because I am not truly offering them to the world, but rather narcissitically feeding off them myself.

I really don't know much at all, and I guess it is kind of liberating. I don't have to know. My life doesn't have to be about me knowing everything and always being in control. I can take comfort that I am small and there is much more going on than I grasp and it is ok.

With a little humility I feel a little closer to accepting something higher and more important than myself.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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Invisiblecloudtripper
Knock and theDoor will open
Registered: 05/24/07
Posts: 175
Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #7364238 - 09/03/07 02:32 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

That sound very sensible to me, I would be a worried if you did think you knew everything, monks work for year for liberation and enlighenment, it dosn't all come at once and the more you know the less you realise you know.  I don't personally think loosing yourself is bad (in the right contex), you might end up finding yourself in the process ! :smile:


--------------------
Always come back again. Never come back the same.


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Invisiblearchenemy
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Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: cloudtripper]
    #7364403 - 09/03/07 03:54 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

oh i love that feeling, it just makes me laugh.
its the whole point why i use mushrooms and other psychedelics.


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OfflineVairagya
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Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #7364414 - 09/03/07 03:57 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

That whole letting go thing is the right way. Any fear you felt was believe it or not your ego. Don't get confused with God and your ego cause then you will lose faith. And your right about the whole "if I don't play the game what else is there to do". The thing about it is that THERE IS NOTHING TO DO. Thats the tricky part. Don't try so hard to find love and compassion. You already ARE love and compassion it is your trying to figure it all out that holds you back.


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OfflineMorphMan
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Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #7364459 - 09/03/07 04:16 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

I've never had a "fear" of losing myself; that's always been my aim. To me, what you explained in this post is what the psychedelic experience is all about. The realization of something being greater than you is often tough for the ego to accept, but essential to spiritual growth. I believe this because it forces you to challenge the preconceived notion that the universe "revolves around you" in favor of adopting a new outlook of you being an integral part of the whole. As much as you realize how "small and insignificant" that you are, you realize that there is so much more than you ever knew, and you are part of it all. The simple nature of existing makes you part of everything.


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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

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Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: MorphMan]
    #7365326 - 09/03/07 09:03 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

I guess I've been treated more favorably by other psychedelics that gave me the sense of being immersed as a small part of the universe. The ego-ness sort of washed away into a clear awareness of the universe.

This was just being confounded and losing touch with reality. More like ego-failure than ego-loss. And I guess in that sense it challenged my epistemological sense of the world more than my singular self.

I know I've been to the same "ground-less" place on LSD. At times it was great, nothing but a peaceful feeling, but on one high dose I felt like it was incredibly boring like I had reached a point where there really was nothing to anything and nothing to do. I was nowhere, or in some transitory place like an eternal waiting room and the most appropriate sound would be elevator music.

The sort of "loss" experience is usually very positive when something fills in for what I gave up, like a grander sense of the universe, connection or love or something. This occasion all I was left with was my mind in a loop of enui and fog.

However, it was very useful in the end. It just took extra time to process. I wonder if people that trip on acid or mescaline more have a different definition of "ego loss" than people who trip on mushrooms, because the things they are suspending seem to be fundamentally different.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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Offlineretrospect
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Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #7365980 - 09/03/07 11:55 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

haha, thats exactly what happened to me!

i tripped everyday for almost 2 weeks.

the trips were generally the same everytime, i felt i knew everything there was to know.

in between the trips, when i went to work or school, i felt secure, thinking i knew more then everyone else, i think i made myself feel superior

but we are all one, no matter how naive

then i stopped, i actually had trouble stopping, and started to realize, uh, there was a life around me

i didnt need a trip to sart to realize i know nothing

you explained it perfectly


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OfflineMorphMan
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Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #7366296 - 09/04/07 01:46 AM (13 years, 8 months ago)

So far, in my quest for ego-loss or something similar to the general experience, nothing has come close to mushrooms. They react with your mind in such a different way, it is absolutely impossible to explain with words. They don't just show you the way, they take you there with or without your consent.

I've had similar experiences as you. I used to take mushrooms frequently (sometimes more than twice every two weeks which is a LOT for me anyway). I finally came to the conclusion by a very similar trip that you had. I felt lost. I felt that I was lost in a world of confusion and mayhem where nothing made sense and there was nothing that I could hold on to except for fear and anxiety. It was literally utter hell and I was positive that I wouldn't make it out alive. It was a rebirth in a sense, though. Through all of the discomfort, I eventually found a meaning.

The meaning was that "you cannot depend on mushrooms to live your life, they merely show you the way, they merely teach you how to live your life." What this meant was that you cannot ever depend on mushrooms and expect to mindlessly go through life thinking that the revelations you've experienced are enough. No, you must take action and realize the truths that they have shown you. You must actually make a change in your life and your mind. You can't just vow to make the changes that they have proposed to you. You have to make an actual effort.

Okay, this was probably more or less a babbling rant but I think that I can totally connect to you and your trip. The last time I took mushrooms was about a year ago and I had a very similar experience that you had. I wrote a trip report about it, now that I think about it. In the end it was probably the most intense and at times scariest trip/experience that I've ever had in my life, but I did learn something from it and I am forever grateful.


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Offlineblacksun
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Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: MorphMan]
    #7366692 - 09/04/07 05:19 AM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Every drug will show you another viewpoint of your own life, mushrooms especially.
Trying to create a feedback in which you help others to help yourself will eventually be broken down, and mushrooms can come along and completely destroy that, then trying to figure out what the fuck is truly going while trying to figure out what you were, and are trying to do is the hard part, and that happening in the middle of a trip is obviously a bit tricky.

I have experienced that in quite a few trips, and facing upto the fact that your life and actions are trying to feed your ego is a lesson to be had.
peace.


--------------------
uarewotueat - "Libs are messy as hell, I don't know whether to take a shit or get a haircut when I'm on them!"


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InvisibleLayYouIn
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Re: Do you ever worry about losing yourself? [Re: blacksun]
    #7368701 - 09/04/07 10:16 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

blacksun said:
I have experienced that in quite a few trips, and facing upto the fact that your life and actions are trying to feed your ego is a lesson to be had.




same here. the ego-loss can really make you look at your life the way it is and sometimes it's extremely unpleasant. i usually try to go over these things before a trip.


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